Mistralan. Don't 'alf make you feel important sometimes.
That Mr Steinberg's always bin ever so nice to me.' She
paused, and then added, 'An' 'e don't spend two bob,
neither.'
That was what I was thinking. But would he spend a
hundred and fifty thousand pounds?
307
Over lunch, Kathe seemed more or less recovered, though still
not entirely herself. As usual, she went home on the 'bus
about tea-time, and I determined to devote the evening to
restoring her spirits. Arriving home to find her having a
bath, I took my secateurs, went out into the garden and cut
a huge bunch of everything I could find. The piece de
resistance was a great purple gladiolus with something like
twenty blooms on it, which cost me a bit of a pang, but I
reckoned it would be worth it. I carried the lot up to the
bathroom in my arms - short and tall, earwigs and all, as my
father used to say - anyway, Kathe never minded insects and
plonked them into her verbena-scented arms as she sat
on the edge of the bath. Then, at her request, I cut her toenails,
while she ran a couple of inches of cold water into the
bath and put the flowers in one by one, making me tell her
the English name of each as she did so.
'Are you going to garden this evening?' she asked, coming
back into the bedroom.
'I might do a bit.'
'Lass mich helfen. You can put me in a wheel-barrow, if
you like, and wheel it into a holly-bush, like Peter the Great.'
'That really would be a great help. Only the holly-bush
here belongs to the crickets. Anyway, Peter the Great was a
monster.'
'How d'you know I'm not? G'rrrrrr! Wowf!' And she
rushed upon me and pushed me down across the bed.
'Oh, don't start me off, Kathe! No, don't, I said! Later!
Come on out in the garden, if you're coming. Put on your
Annie-Get-Your-Gun shirt and let's go."
'Yes, in about twenty minutes. First things first. Oh, they're
lovely flowers, Alan! Thank you so much! Come on, pile
them all over me. Bring that long, purple one, the - the - oh,
wait a minute and I'll remember - gladiolus - what does
that mean?'
'Sword-flower, I suppose.'
' "A sword shall pierce thy own soul also." Where did I
hear that?'
'Last Sunday in church. "Behold, this child is set for the
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fall and rising of many in Israel: and for a sign which shall
be spoken against." '
'I remember. Tony does read well.'
At this moment we heard Tony's voice in the hall below,
calling, 'Can we come in? Anybody about?' I answered, 'I'll
be right down!' and Kathe, whispering, 'Well, later, then!',
slid off the bed and began getting dressed.
Tony had brought little torn with him. They had been
swimming and were tousle-haired, apple-munching, wettowel-scarved.
I let torn help to hose the dahlias and gladioli
(some of the water reached them, anyway). Then he changed
into his wet trunks again and I hosed him, to his huge delight,
while Tony and Kathe sat drinking madeira in the
shade.
When torn was tired of being drenched I turned the water
off and we came back to the deck-chairs.
'- for the forgiveness of sins?' Kathe was saying.
'Well, yes, that's the sort of basic idea,' answered Tony.
' "If any man sins we have an advocate with the Father,
Jesus Christ the righteous; and He is the propitiation for our
sins."'
'Any sin? That's what you said before.'
'Yes, any sin, provided there's true repentance. "If we
confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our
sins." You have to be able to forgive yourself, too, though,
as I'm always saying.'
'This all sounds very serious stuff for a fine Friday evening,'
I said. 'Is it a private fight or can anyone join in? How
about the sin against the Holy Ghost?'
'Nobody's ever been able to make out what that is,' said
Tony.
'Well, I'm jolly sure it isn't drinking madeira. Let me fill
you up. Shall I give torn a drop? It's nice and sweet.'
After they'd gone Kathe said, 'Alan, I want you to come
for a walk with me, now, all round Bull Banks - right round
the edge.'
'The perimeter, as the estate agents call it. Or is it the
curtilage? I never know.'
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It was thick in places, where Jack and his old 'ook had
not penetrated, but Kathe insisted on covering every yard of
the ground - the ditch behind the old, broken-down pigsty;
the thicket where the original owner, in Edwardian days, had
buried his pet dogs, each with its name on a stone; and the
grassy path above the lane, where the plum-trees grew. The
garden was divided by a long, artificial bank, thickly planted
with laurel and silver birches, and below this, near the rosebeds,
we at length sat down.
'Someone must have made this bank, mustn't they?' said
Kathe. 'I wonder why.'
'When I was little I used to think it must be the Bull
Banks.'
'Why's it called "Bull Banks"?'
I quoted from memory. 'In winter and early spring Mr
Tod might generally be found in an earth amongst the rocks
at the top of Bull Banks.'
'Mr Tod?'
'He was a fox. It's Beatrix Potter: I can show you if you
like - I've still got them all.'
'Bull Banks is like a castle, isn't it - our castle? Nothing
can get in to hurt us here. I feel safe here with you, Alan.
Come on, let's go back to where Tony interrupted us.'
But next day she seemed melancholy once more, and went
home from the shop soon after lunch, in spite of the brisk
Saturday trade and the absence of Mrs Taswell. When I
got back she had taken the Girl in a Swing out of the box,
put her on the piano next to the vase containing the purple
gladiolus, and was playing a Bach prelude with a kind of
abstraction. As I came in she broke off and spoke before I
could.
'Alan, what did Tony call that service - the one we were
talking about last night?'
'Holy Communion?'
'Yes. Would it be all right for me to go?'
'Anyone can go, but you can only what's called cornmunicate
if you've been confirmed. Have you?'
'Yes. I was only twelve. Someone explained it then - well,
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sort of, but I didn't take much of it in, I'm afraid, and I've
never really bothered about it since.'
'Never mind. It still counts."
'What time do they have it?'
'Eight in the morning. Unless you want to go at seven.'
'Will there be many people?'
'Not to-morrow, no.'
'It couldn't be just you and me?'
' 'Fraid not, but I'll be surprised if there's twenty there.
It'll all be quite casual, you know. Nothing to get worked
up about.'
'Do you actually have to confess your sins out loud?'
'Oh, Lord, no! You all say a general confession. You can
have a loo
k at it if you want to.' I got my prayer book and
found the place for her.
She sat reading for some time, occasionally asking a question.
'"Meet and right?" Who are you supposed to meet?' I
explained. ' "Whose property is always to have mercy" what's
that mean?'
Glancing up ten minutes later, I saw tears in her eyes.
'Kathe, it's supposed to be a cheerful business, you know.
I wouldn't take it too much to heart. "He is faithful and just
to forgive us", and all that.'
'It says, "Thou that takest away the sins of the world -"'
'I know. It always gives me a mental picture of old Jesus
stumping along with a sack, to chuck them in the sea or
something. Come on, darling, you just cheer up, now. Remember
what you said last night about our castle, remember?
Anyway, how about some supper? Pali, steak, mousse one
egg too many, so it -'
'- Doesn't get stiff! Oh, you are nice, Alan! Let's think.
No, we won't have patt. We'll have - let me see - prosciutto;
we've got a melon -'
'"I am not hungry; but thank goodness, I am greedy,'"
I said, and followed her into the kitchen.
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Next morning I woke to find Kathe kissing my face and
shoulders.
'Morning, Alan darling! D'you know what to-day is?'
'Sunday.'
'Ach, nein! I didn't mean just that. It's a monthiversary the
seventh of July: two months since the day we met.'
'So it is! How splendid!'
She got out of bed - she happened to be naked - and stood
looking at herself in the glass.
'I'll tell you something else, if you like.' She paused.
'Well?'
'I'm three weeks overdue.'
'You're not!'
'I am.'
'Oh, Kathe! Are you going to have a test?'
'No, just leave it. I'll be sure soon enough. Come on,
darling, up you get! We're going to church, remember?'
Since there is not a word about it in either the Bible or
the Prayer Book, I have never subscribed to the idea of not
eating or drinking anything before Holy Communion. I had
a cup of tea, shaved and dressed and checked my watch by
the telephone. Not surprisingly, I was much preoccupied by
what Kathe had told me. There was nothing I needed to do
about it - no plans to be made, no one to be told - not yet,
anyway. For all immediate, practical purposes I could have
dismissed it from my mind. Yet, naturally, I could not. If
what she had as good as told me turned out to be true (and
why wouldn't it? A healthy girl in the prime of life: why
else would she be three weeks overdue?), it was intensely
exciting.
To hear good news - something of close personal concern,
lying in the future - is like walking across country and corning
in sight, for the first time, of a welcome destination - a
friend's house, or a river or cathedral. One had been vaguely
aware, of course, that sooner or later it would come into
view. Well, there it is; and although everything is still the
same, everything has changed. One is now walking consciously
towards the waiting thing - whatever it may be. So
it was with me. Surely it must be so with her too? She had
312
said nothing more, so I took my cue and said nothing either.
But she was always like that - outwardly casual about the
most important things. It was as though she felt such
matters - birth and death, wealth, illness, reputation - to
involve nothing that she could not take in her stride.
It was a perfect July morning, the town hall clock sharp
against a clear, blue sky, the Roary Water fallen silent for
Sunday and a few chub bubbling the surface as they rose
below the towpath under the further bank. I parked the
car and we walked round the tower and in at the southwest
door.
I had been right about the likelihood of there being few
people at the service. There were about fifteen - none with
whom I was acquainted, though one or two I recognized
as regular attenders. The verger - who always whispered,
whether anything was going on or not - was directing people
into the chancel, and we went up and took our places. The
sun, shining through the east window, was dappling the
floor with coloured light - red, blue and green; the centurion's
cloak, the Virgin's robe, the grass on which the
soldiers crouched, rolling their dice. I recalled some architect
once telling me that the reason he liked trees round
buildings was that the sun in leaves had the effect of bringing
light down to the ground. This was the same, I thought,
watching the dim-edged, glowing patches on the tiles as I
looked up from a short prayer of thanks for our prosperity
and happiness. A minute or two later the clock struck eight
and Tony entered from the vestry.
It was Tony's way to say the initial Lord's Prayer very
quietly, his back to the congregation, as though commending
himself to God before beginning the Communion service
itself. Having completed this, he would turn round and speak
the Collect facing his parishioners, and thus by implication on
their behalf.
'Almighty God, unto whom all hearts be open, all desires
known, and from whom no secrets are hid ...'
Had I any secrets? I wondered. There is nothing covered
that shall not be revealed; and whatsoever ye have spoken in
darkness shall be heard in the light. I could think of nothing
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I was concealing from anyone - nothing, anyway, which they
ought by rights to know. Could Kathe? What a secret person
she was, I reflected; indeed, one might say an adept at
concealment. I, who had been married to her for six weeks,
still did not know her place of birth, her parentage or anything
about her past life; and this did not bother me in the
least. The beautiful and good, I thought, are privileged to
bend workaday rules. 'Trust me,' says the master to the
disciple. 'It's not possible for me to explain to you as yet
the full meaning of all you're going to learn, or the delight
you're going to derive from it. For the 'moment you have to
learn these - let's say - Greek verbs, so that one day you'll
be able to read Homer - a joy I can't communicate to you
now. You've simply got to trust me.' In effect, this was what
Christ said to us; and what Kathe had said to me. And what
had I not learned, and gained, from trusting her? I was a
new man. If she had secrets, I was well content to leave
them between her and God.
I emerged from these thoughts to realize that I was not
joining, as I ought, in the responses to the Ten Commandments
(which Tony always read in full, as appointed). I
found the place.
'Honour thy father and thy mother; that thy days may be
long in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.'
'Lord, have mercy upon us, and incline our hearts to keep
this law.'
'Thou shalt do no murder.'
'Lord, have mercy upon us, and inclinesour hearts to keep
this law.'
Well, my heart was inclined right enough; and I didn't
want to commit adultery, or steal, or bear false witness
either. Had I ever, in fact, been faced with the temptation to
commit a grave sin for personal gain? I couldn't remember
it. I was lucky. 'It's easy enough,' I remembered my housemaster
once saying, 'to feel enthusiastic about religion, until
the time when you come up against real and actual temptation.'
Yes, I was lucky all right. 'It's lovers who can afford to
be generous.'
As we knelt to pray for the Queen I put out my hand and
314
touched Kathe's, but she withdrew it. It needed no more than
this for me to sense some nervousness in her. What had
made her decide to come, and why had she shed tears last
night over the service? I wished I knew. To ourselves, I
thought, we nearly always make too much of our sins. If only
she'd tell me, I could probably get her to see that whatever
it was, it was nothing that hadn't happened in the world
before or that wouldn't happen again; that it was past probably
a matter of no greater consequence than, say, a
boy stealing something, or a girl quarrelling with her mother
and walking out. Nothing the good Lord couldn't cope with.
Tony had got to the Collect of the Day. '0 God, who has
prepared for them that love thee such good things as pass
men's understanding; Pour into our hearts such love toward
thee ..." I had had enough poured into mine, I thought, as
he launched into the epistle. I girded up my loins to try to
get something profitable out of St Paul - not always the
easiest of mentors.
As often, he came across in spiky bits. '... Therefore we
are buried with him by baptism into death ... Knowing this,
that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin
might be destroyed ... He that is dead is freed from sin ...
Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto
sin, but alive unto God ...' Very good stuff, St Paul, I'm sure,
but frankly I'd rather have a bit of the gospels.
We stood up as Tony crossed the sanctuary to begin just
that. ('Glory be to Thee, 0 Lord.') Yet even now I found my
attention wandering. I called it back.
'Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, "Thou
shall not kill: and whosoever shall kill, shall be in danger
of the judgement ... Agree with thine adversary quickly,
whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary
deliver thee to the judge ... Verily I say unto thee,
thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid
the uttermost farthing."'
As we turned east and began to say the creed I realized
that Kathe, now in front of me, was standing silent, head
bowed and eyes on the floor. Although I could not see her
face, I could tell that she was troubled and that things were
315
not going smoothly for her. The pause for the collection gave
me a chance to whisper, 'Are you all right, darling?'
She clutched my arm quickly, convulsively, and seemed
about to reply; but then, biting her lip, only nodded.
'Are you sure? Anything the matter?'
She shook her head. But when the bag had come round
and we were about to kneel down she whispered suddenly,
'It doesn't matter where I go. There's nowhere to go.'
I'd better get her outside, I thought. What a pity she has
to take it out on herself like this. Catharsis is all very well,
but this is too much of a good thing altogether.
I leant across. 'Kathe, come on! We're going!'
Another shake of the head.
'Well, I'm going, anyway.' And with this I made to rise
from my knees; but she restrained me, holding my sleeve.
'I'm not afraid,' she whispered. 'I'm not afraid!'
'No, of course not, darling.' I was, though.
Meanwhile, Tony was praying for the whole state of
Christ's Church militant here on earth.
'... And grant unto her whole Council, and to all that are
put in authority under her, that they may truly and indifferently
minister justice, to the punishment of wickedness
and vice, and to the maintenance of thy true religion ...'
I put my lips to Kathe's ear. 'I don't know what the
trouble is, but you can always come another time, you know.
Tony won't mind, if that's what's worrying you.'
She seemed not even to have heard me, but continued
staring straight before her.
Tony said, '... and make your humble confession to Almighty
God, meekly kneeling upon your knees."
I now dropped all further attempt to take part in the service
The Girl in a Swing Page 36
