by Paul Bellow
Death, Famine, and Pestilence, huh? Why not.
“Longshot rebound!” I shouted.
“Got it,” Gloria replied.
She ran ahead and to the left.
Pestilence turned and followed her.
I charged toward Famine and Death. The latter held back as the other, more emancipated figure floated closer. I ran through all the possibilities in my mind.
Maybe the fork is mightier than the sword?
I stopped and dug the last of my rations out of my pack. Famine stopped and swiveled toward the food after I threw it to the right of him.
“Change the plan!” Gloria shouted, but it was too late.
As Famine feasted on my dry, brittle crackers, I rushed toward Pestilence before he could demolish my poor unicorn. I’d lost too many companions in the roguelike.
The putrid remnant of a man pointed a finger at me as I approached. Swarms of flies buzzed out of open wounds on its body then flew toward me. I kept running, hoping they wouldn’t hurt me.
The Diseased Flies MASSACRE you for 212 damage.
HALF-DAMAGE BONUS!
You take 106 damage.
You have [1,968/2,074] health remaining.
You are DISEASED.
You are no longer glowing.
Great, I thought as I reached the vile creature.
I slashed its face with Mega Metal Mao.
Your slash OBLITERATES Pestilence for 406 damage.
As the creature screamed in pain, I saw Death heading for Gloria.
Oh no you don’t, miserable heap of bones.
I swung my epic sword one more time.
Your slash ERADICATES Pestilence for 645 damage.
Pestilence is no more!
I turned and ran toward Gloria. Death screamed as she cast lightning from her horn. He wept even more as I reached him.
Your pierce ANNIHILATES Death for 472 damage.
The foul beast kept his attention on Gloria. Odd, but I didn’t let it get to me as I used one of the swords magic abilities. I danced around so-called death, a whirlwind of steel.
Mega Metal Mao: Speed activated
Your slash OBLITERATES Death for 409 damage.
Your slash OBLITERATES Death for 412 damage.
Death laughs and feeds on his pain!
Gloria darted to the left, right into Famine. The gaunt man grabbed her neck, and I watched in horror as she lost fat and grew skinnier. What’s he doing?
Death’s grasp DOES UNSPEAKABLE for 546 damage.
You have [1,422/2,074] health remaining.
I reached into my sack with my free hand and grabbed the cockatrice corpse. With a grin on my face, I threw it at the animated bones.
“Death cannot be stoned!” the gaunt figure shouted.
I stifled a laugh then swung my sword.
Your slash ERADICATES Death for 542 damage.
Your slash OBLITERATES Death for 442 damage.
Death laughs and feeds on his pain!
Frustrated, I pushed the creature aside and ran toward Gloria as she fell to the floor.
“No!” I shouted. “You will not have her!”
Famine looked up, but it was too late.
Your slash ERADICATES Famine for 514 damage.
Your slash OBLITERATES Famine for 442 damage.
Famine is dead!
“Watch out!” Gloria yelled.
I turned just in time to see Death’s swift hand.
Death’s grasp DOES UNSPEAKABLE for 754 damage.
You have [668/2,074] health remaining.
I attacked with my sword one more time, but death kept coming.
“Heal him!” Gloria shouted in a weak voice. “It’s the only way.”
Was she right? Only one way to find out.
I pulled out a Potion of Cure All.
Death moved forward.
I tossed the bottle.
As it shattered and the healing potion hit the mob, it cried out in pain. You don’t hear Death scream every day. It’s not something you want to hear more than once in your life – game or not. Death stepped toward me. I pulled another potion and threw it. He cried out in pain again as the liquid acted like acid on his clothes and body. Acrid smoke filled the air.
Combat is Over!
You get 300,000 xp
You have [99,000,000/100,000,000] xp.
I rushed to Gloria’s side. She peered up, eyes open wide.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Hungry,” she said.
I glanced around, seeing nothing except for the three corpses.
“You can’t eat Pestilence, and Death’s only bones, but what about Famine?”
I retrieved the body, dropping it next to Gloria.
“Go ahead,” I said. “Eat something.”
“Are you kidding me?” she snapped.
“It’s all we’ve got,” I said. “Just do it.”
She gnawed at Famine’s thin arm.
“Maybe we can eat the fungi,” I said.
“Don’t,” Gloria said, her mouth full. “We’ll glow for days.”
I’d come too far to mark myself as a target for monsters.
“Good point,” I said. “Thanks. Don’t eat too fast.”
“Famine’s not half-bad,” she said then continued chewing.
I scanned the cavern, seeing a new tunnel leading off in the distance.
“The steps down have to be around here somewhere,” I said.
Gloria mumbled something. My stomach grumbled.
“You want some?” she asked. “There’s only a bit left.”
I turned and saw she’d regained most of her weight.
“Famine is quite filling,” she said.
“No thanks.” I grinned and shook my head. “We should get going. I’ll find supplies somehow. There’s no way I’m starving to death on level ninety-nine.”
Gloria stood, wobbling on her legs.
“Take it slow,” I said. “You almost died. I’m not much better off.”
“How many healing potions do you have left?”
“Only three.” I reached in my sack to grab one. “Two after I drink this.”
I swallowed the fizzy sugar-water potion. The extra gold I’d paid to make it palatable was worth every ounce. Hunger still ravaged my body, but I had my health.
You feel better!
You have [2,074/2,074] health remaining.
“Let’s find that exit,” I said.
Gloria followed as I walked toward the new tunnel. I’d been down so many. How long had I been playing the roguelike? Was time passing back in the Tower of Gates?
The questions piled up as I cautiously strode forward. My haste had worn off, but I still had a minor wish, lightning and a fireball if anything came up.
I’d just taken out Death and his Gang. That made me feel cocky, but I checked myself. Proud players fell prey to YASD all the time. I wanted to live.
* * * * *
I went down one tunnel after another, backtracking multiple times. Teleport wouldn’t work. And my Wand of Digging fizzled every time I attempted to zap down.
Would the dungeon prevent me from winning by cheating? Could the game cheat? I remembered many rumors about the Tower of Gates being able to cheat.
“I’m tired,” Gloria said. “We should rest.”
“Not yet. We haven’t found any food.”
I scanned ahead as we walked. She sighed.
“Room ahead,” I said. “Be ready.”
“Always,” she said in a smart-aleck tone.
I glanced down at her then looked up. The room ahead looked empty, but appearances could be deceiving and deadly.
“Water!” Gloria gasped as she ran forward.
“Hold on,” I hissed. “Or I’ll start calling you Leroy.”
My unicorn companion ignored me and galloped into the room. When I caught up, I saw her looking into a round, stone fountain. There wasn’t any water inside.
Numerous coins littered the bottom, but co
ins were worthless so close to the end of the dungeon. I couldn’t even find the exit down let alone a shopkeeper.
“I’m even thirstier now,” Gloria said.
“Don’t make it worse,” I muttered.
I sat down on the edge of the fountain.
“That’s a lot of coins,” Gloria said.
“Maybe they’re blocking the water.”
I stood then reached over, moving coins. When I reached the bottom, I saw a wooden trapdoor. The exit to the final level? I stood up, excited at my find.
“What is it?” Gloria asked.
“I think I found the way down. Help me clear this out.”
“Kind of hard without hands, but okay,” she said.
“Use a spell. This is important.”
I stepped back as she lowered her head. A blue energy came out of her horn. It swept the coins away, revealing a square trapdoor on the bottom of the fountain.
“Ready?” I asked, drawing my sword.
“I need water,” she said in a weak voice.
“Maybe we’ll find some on the last level.”
I opened the wooden hatch with my free hand. A smooth shaft led below. Why is everything so blurry? Am I losing my sight?
“What is it?” Gloria asked. “I know that look.”
“Not sure,” I said, still holding the hatch open. “Something’s not right. It’s blurry.”
“Let me see.”
She stepped over and peered over.
“Run,” she yelled. “It’s slime!”
I slammed the trapdoor shut then scrambled over the edge of the fountain. The wood burst open, flying off the hinges and rising into the air.
As I watched in horror, sword in hand, a blob of slime spilled out of the shaft. I glanced back, wondering if we should run and regroup.
“What’s inside the slime?” Gloria asked.
“No idea,” I said, gripping my sword tighter. “Be ready for anything.”
I heard an unearthly scream as something plopped out of the slime.
“Land kraken,” Gloria screamed. “We should run.”
“We need to kill this to get to the next level.”
I braced myself as the squid-like creature covered in slime slithered toward us across the stone floor. The slime continued coming out of the shaft.
The land kraken’s tentacles reached out for me. Instead of swinging my sword, I reached into my sack and pulled out the cockatrice corpse.
Will it work on such a large mob? Only one way to find out.
I threw the decomposing corpse at the land kraken. Before it reached its target, a slime shield flew forward, blocking it. The land kraken bellowed loudly.
“Cast something,” I shouted, hoping Gloria heard me.
The cockatrice corpse, covered in slime, fell harmlessly to the floor. I rushed forward, sword raised, ready to do some damage. We needed to win.
Your pierce ANNIHILATES the land kraken for 453 damage.
Gloria cast a spell, sending a red beam of energy toward the slime. Instead of busting up or moving back, it grew in size, filling the entire room.
The land kraken MANGLES you for 298 damage.
The land kraken MASSACRES you for 214 damage.
You have [1,562/2,074] health remaining.
At least the other tentacles didn’t hit.
The size of the room worked to my benefit. I attacked again.
Your pierce DISMEMBERS the land kraken for 197 damage.
The creature screamed and flailed its tentacles, hitting me.
The land kraken EVISCERATES you for 147 damage.
The land kraken MUTILATES you for 98 damage.
The land kraken MASSACRES you for 223 damage.
You have [1,094/2,074] health remaining.
Ouch. This thing needs to die.
I stepped back then activated the sword’s fireball and lightning bolt.
Your fireball DEMOLISHES the land kraken for 398 damage.
Your pierce OBLITERATES the land kraken for 420 damage.
The land kraken is dead!
You get 300,000 xp!
You have [99,300,000/100,000,000] xp.
As the smoke cleared, I saw the slime still spilling into the room.
“Run,” I shouted then turned.
Gloria followed as I booked down the tunnel, not looking back.
“That’s the biggest slime I’ve ever seen,” she said.
We kept running all the way back to the stairs leading up. I stopped and bent over, hands on knees, to catch my breath.
“Are we going back up?” Gloria asked. “That might be safest.”
“No,” I said, breathing heavy. “We needed to regroup. That slime’s going to catch up to us eventually. I want to use my Major Wish.”
“Are you sure?” Gloria asked. “You only get one.”
“If I don’t use it now, what’s the point of having it?”
She nodded, her horn waving through the air.
I pulled Mega Metal Mao, the epic weapon I’d crafted myself. What should I use the wish on? Something I know exists in the game? A new magic item? Better stats?
“The slime’s coming down the hallway,” Gloria said.
Already? I kept thinking about my wish.
Gloria stepped toward the exit as I stood near the stairs up.
“I’ll try to build an ice wall to block it,” she said.
After lowering her head, a frost blast shot out of her horn.
“It slowed the slime,” she said, stepping back toward me.
“Good,” I said. “Blast it again while I think of a wish.”
“I’m out of mana,” she said. “We’ve not rested in a while.”
What’s my best bet on a wish? I can’t think of anything.
“Here comes the slime,” Gloria said. “There’s more blobs inside it.”
“Nothing’s coming out,” I said. “Your ice spell worked.”
Unsure of what I’d get exactly, I wished for an Ultimate Ice Staff. A tall oak staff appeared out of nowhere, almost falling to the floor before I grabbed it.
“What’s that?” Gloria asked. “A walking stick?”
“Stand back,” I said then activated the staff.
A menu with a multitude of ice spells popped up. I picked Ice Fury, wondering what it would do. The top of the staff glowed blue a moment.
I heard a popping sound then saw a stream of ice spray out of the tip of the staff. When the cold air hit the slime, it stopped in its tracks, frozen.
“Attack it,” I shouted then let the staff drop.
I stepped forward and hacked at the ice with my sword. Pieces of frozen slime stacked up on the floor around me. Gloria poked it with her horn.
“This is going to take forever,” I said. “But at least it can’t attack us.”
“It’s already thawing,” Gloria said, still attacking the ice slime.
“Wish I had more time to check out the staff,” I said.
Gloria and I both fell silent as we worked on chopping up the frozen slime. As we reached the tunnel where it had come in, fresh slime oozed out.
“Freeze it again,” Gloria shouted as she stepped back.
I grabbed the Ultimate Ice Staff and pointed it at the slime.
Let’s go with Ice Beam this time.
Your Ice Beam MASSACRES the Mega Slime for 215 damage.
The Mega Slime slows.
You Have Unlimited Charges.
That was weak, I thought as I scrolled the all the options for the staff.
“Hurry,” Gloria said at my side. “Something is coming out of it again.”
I glanced up and saw a dark blob struggling to escape from the semi-translucent slime. Another land kraken? Or something worse? Time to zap.
As a slimy, furry beast lumbered forward, I held up the staff. Time to try the most powerful spell available—Icy Freeze Fountain.
I slammed the staff down on the stone floor. Flurries burst out of the top, swirling and quickly filling the
room with frost. Gloria huddled at my feet.
“Hold steady!” I shouted above the noise of the storm.
Everything the flakes touched froze instantly, including the slime. As the spell ended and the whipping winds calmed down, I smiled at the scene.
“Now what?” Gloria asked.
“We chop our way back to the stairs down.”
“You should’ve wished for a Staff of Fire and Ice,” she said.
I nodded but said nothing.
“Wait a minute,” I said, digging in my sack.
“You have something?” Gloria asked.
“Maybe…”
I pulled out my Toothpick of Flames. Gloria laughed.
“A little small, isn’t it?” she asked.
I set my staff and sword on the floor.
“Keep watching,” I said then slipped my free hand back in my bag.
Gloria tilted her head as I pulled out a potion.
“I still don’t get it,” she said.
“Watch and learn…”
I uncorked the potion then poured it over the Toothpick of Flames. Gloria laughed as the toothpick grew in size. It stopped growing when it reached the size of a walking stick.
“Does it still work?” she asked.
“Only one way to find out.”
I pointed it at the frozen slime. Flames shot out of the tip, gradually melting the ice and killing the slime at the same time. It would take time, but it was working. Foot after foot, we made our way back to the fountain with the shaft leading to the final level of the dungeon. I felt confident with my epic staff. We’ve got this. Hours after starting, we reached our destination and finished off the last of the slime.
The Mega Slime is dead!
You get 500,000 xp!
You have [99,800,000/100,000,000] xp.
