He'd made his decision when they were sweeping the hills for bombs. He’d been on alert, watching for any sign of movement. A couple of guys were fooling around, pushing on each other and not paying attention. He’d heard the deafening click and Radar’s terrified yelp just moments before the young man lost his foot. A land mine had been activated. It was a crude device that he’d not seen before. He’d thrown himself on the man, and immediately unwound his belt using it as a tourniquet. He’d saved his life, but at what cost?
That young man was traumatized and getting a one-way ticket home on a medical discharge, if he so wanted. John was frightened too. They’d immediately backed out of the canyon in order to get him to a medic, but frankly all of them were shaken. John prayed hard that night for the strength to get through the next few months. He knew then that he was going home no matter what and he was taking Radar with him. His pup had lost an eye from the debris and John wouldn’t part with her. She’d been his best friend and he didn’t want a replacement dog. He wanted Radar, and for them to go home together. That became his mantra.
That night he’d taken solace in writing to Lily, a flood of emotion unleashing. He mailed the post card with nothing but a simple statement: ‘hope you are doing well’, he told her. That wasn’t enough for him; it was like the steam before the geyser exploded. He needed to talk, to vent. It was like he needed to get the fear and dread out of his system, purge it so he could function. He had two and a half months left to serve, then he’d be free – but for what?
Lily,
I write not because I want to, but because I have to. We had a close one today that shook me to the core and I need to get past it or someone could get hurt. Radar was injured today and it’s like I feel gutted on the inside. She lost an eye. Corporal Walker lost his foot and I feel like it’s my fault. I’ve never seen a bomb like that before and we didn’t know what to expect. I’ve always been extremely careful and detailed, but it wasn’t enough today. Nothing seems to take this feeling from me. I’ve prayed, harder than I’ve ever done before, yet all I keep thinking about is wondering what you would do or say. What would my friend say to me to help me through this funk I’m in? I bought you something today but not sure if you’d like it because I barely know you. Tell me about yourself? What things do you like to do? What makes you smile? I bet you have a lovely laugh and pleasant disposition. Surely such a wonderful person couldn’t have anything otherwise- right?
Sleep well tonight, for I know that I will not.
John
He walked the letter to the post office and checked on Radar at the medic’s office. They didn’t have a veterinary specialist on sight, but at this point it didn’t matter. The eye was gone, and it was simply up to them to prevent infection and treat the wound. He petted Radar and held her, as she whined and licked his face. John spoke to her softly and told her what a good dog she was, because it was true. Radar was his best friend and he could have lost her today. That could have been me, he thought, touching the scar at his temple that he’d gotten years ago. Leaving the clinic, he knew instantly he had another care package from Lily.
John was beyond down and so glad to hear from her. Radar was staying for observation and thankfully Walker was asleep under some strong medication. He held the young man as he screamed in pain and carried him back, barking orders left and right. It was his watch; his duty, and he’d failed him. Sure enough, on his bunk was a small box. He didn’t even smile when he opened it this time, he was simply worn out emotionally and mentally. Just like before, the other guys gathered around until they saw what was in the box.
“Circus peanuts? Man, your chick has some bad taste in candy and in men. Tell her we preferred the Twinkies!” John looked over his shoulder and snarled at the crowd. They backed away slowly, knowing that the man had already proven he had a hot temper, and today had NOT been a good day.
“They weren’t for you. They’re for me and she’s pretty darn perfect so far.” He looked back at the box and felt a lightness seep into his soul. How did she know that he loved these candies? He’d not had them since he was a boy. Just breathing in the vanilla scent of the marshmallow peanuts brought back memories. That was one thing that always amazed him, the fact that they seemed to be on the exact same wave length with the same affinity for sweets. She was going to give him a spare tire around his middle, if he didn’t watch it.
He opened the letter and cradled it close to him as to avoid prying eyes. He felt tears almost well up as he saw the lush greenery in the printed-out photo and said a fervent prayer. He wanted to go home so badly he could taste it. This was about the best box she could have sent him. He could wade in the memories and dream of what home might look like. Sniffing, he opened the other letter and smiled widely. John turned around eagerly, suddenly overcome with an inner fire.
“Where’s a land line at?”
“There is one in the medical office for emergencies, I think?”
Getting up, he sprinted to the commissary as quickly as possible, garnering several alarmed looks from other men nearby. He flew in the door and ran straight to the register. He’d seen the phone cards under lock and key along with the cigarettes and overly priced bottles of alcohol. That’s where he’d seen the gift for her: a pair of tiny lapis lazuli earrings that were extremely delicate. The blue stones didn’t glitter much, but they were a brilliant shade and he’d liked them. He hadn’t mailed them because it seemed so personal, and he didn’t want to scare her off. He needed her letters simply as a tether to the outside world.
“I need a phone card, please.”
“Which one?””
“Biggest one you’ve got,” he said honestly. He was going to call her and needed to hear a friendly voice, her voice. He wanted to talk but didn’t know where to start, so it might be a long call or a very short one. He prayed it was a long call.
“Got someone special to call? You can use that room back there,” the clerk pointed at the back of the tiny building. John glanced at him in surprise. “There’s directions taped to the table on how to put your calling card in and dial the US.”
“There’s a phone here?”
“For emergencies. I assume this is one?”
“No.”
“You are calling a girl?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Go ahead buddy,” he said with a wide grin.
“Thank you,” he told him, grabbing his hand and shaking it. He quickly paid. It was either going to be the best or worst hundred bucks he’d ever spent. He needed this and hoped this was the right decision. He had her letter in his hand and noticed it shook. He was a wreck and scared to death. He sat down in the small room and shut the door behind him, staring at the phone like it could hurt him more than he had already suffered today. He took a moment and said a silent prayer, trying to calculate the time difference between them. It was 2 pm here, so it was close to 10pm there. He wondered if she would be awake. He took a deep breath and dialed the phone.
* * *
Lily heard the phone rang and spit in the sink as she brushed her teeth. Teachers were heading back in to the schools tomorrow to begin setting up for the new year. Truthfully, she was excited and dreading it at the same time. She was ready to fill her days, but also enjoyed sleeping in and her freedom. Picking up the phone, she stared at the caller ID, confused at the numbers and erratic spacing on the display.
“Hello?”
“Lily? Is this Lily Hogan?”
“Who’s this?” she asked curtly, immediately wondering who could be calling her this late. She didn’t recognize the voice and a flurry of thoughts went through her mind. Bill collector? Salesman? Prank call?
“It’s John,” he began and felt himself trembling in nervousness. He hadn’t felt like this since he disarmed his first bomb. Sweat ran down his back and he felt like his heart was beating ninety miles a minute. “It’s John Griffin. I got your letter today; do you have a moment to talk or is this a bad time?”
“Oh! Oh, I thi
nk I need to sit down,” Lily breathed in the phone feeling light headed. He called! This was weird and scary, yet exhilarating at the same time. “You called? I wasn’t sure if you could text or email.”
“I’m sorry, I…I don’t have a cell phone here. There are too few plugs where I am at,” he explained. His voice was rich and warm through the phone.
“No, it’s alright. I’m glad you called. This is much easier to communicate, isn’t it? How are you? You got my letter I see,” she continued, stammering on, and grimaced feeling stupid at the comment. Of course, he got your letter silly, he has your number now – remember?
“I’m sorry, I’m nervous. Oh, I am botching this up royally and yet here I keep talking. I’m still talking. Okay, anytime now. Shut up, Lily,” she muttered nervously. “Hi there,” she finished lamely and heard him laugh softly on the phone, making her tummy clench.
“It’s okay. I understand. I’m pretty petrified right now myself just hearing your voice and I can’t explain it. I don’t know how long I have on this phone card, but I wanted to talk to you. I can’t tell you how much your letters and gifts have meant to me. It’s meant everything, especially today,” he stopped and cleared his throat.
Frozen.
The bomb flashed in his mind and he heard Walker’s screams in his mind. He needed her voice to drown them out. He could feel himself hitting a breaking point and was ashamed that he might actually cry. She was so darn nice, and he felt so undeserving and very brittle right now emotionally.
“What happened today? You said you needed to talk? It was something bad, wasn’t it? Tell me, I’m here and can listen, John.” He heard her voice, the peaceful soothing tones combined with a southern lilt that was making him yearn for more. He shook his head negatively and sighed, knowing she couldn’t see the gesture through the phone.
“I can’t,” he uttered thickly, it was too fresh – too raw. He would be humiliated if he broke down and felt himself wavering on the verge of it. Hot tears burned in the back of his throat as he cherished her gentle voice. “Let’s talk about anything else. Please.” There was a silence on the other end of the line for a moment that terrified him more than the bomb earlier today. “Lily? Are you there?”
“Yes. Let’s start with introductions and the basics, instead of fumbling along, not knowing what to say. Tell me about yourself,” her voice soothed patiently in his ear.
“I’m thirty-eight, single, brown hair and hazel eyes.”
“I’m thirty-two, single, brown hair and brown eyes.” He heard her voice read back almost the same description and frowned. He’d not given her much to go on, nor had she. It was hard thinking of a way to describe yourself. Ruggedly handsome? A goofball that has a quiet sense of humor? A tired soul looking for peace and comfort? He was at a loss and imagined she was as well.
“That doesn’t tell each other much,” John said truthfully. “Does it?”
“No, but,” she admitted, her voice soft in the receiver. He heard a tremor in her voice as she spoke, honestly. He liked that about her. No games, no guessing. “I’m scared. I don’t know you, you know? Hearing your voice makes this feel real.”
“No. I know, but I– John took a deep breath, opening up and baring his soul to the woman on the phone. “I’m a very simple guy with not a lot to say. Today was a hard day, probably one of the hardest I’ve had in a long time. I love the trees. I miss them the most truthfully, and never thought I’d ever say something so silly. This place is so barren and dry I feel like I’m losing any contact with home anymore. I think that is what touched me so much about your letter. I felt like someone understood and it meant a lot to me. I know I’m rambling and I swear I’m not crazy, but then that’s probably what crazy people say,” he stopped, hearing her giggle, and smiled.
“I really like your letters and can tell you are a nice person. I could use some niceness in my life, and I could use a friend too. I like that you understand just how wonderful circus peanuts are in a world that hates them.” He could practically hear the smile in her voice as she teased him. He felt himself smile and closed his eyes in a brief happiness for just a moment. “Circus peanuts are awesome, aren’t they?” he agreed.
“Twinkies too.”
“Amen to that! You know what else is pretty darn wonderful?” he chuckled.
“What?”
“Hearing your voice. I like it. You have a kind voice to go with a kind soul.”
“You too-”
“TEN MINUTES REMAINING.”
Lily’s sweet voice was interrupted mid-sentence by a computerized voice command that chimed through the receiver, and he grimaced. He didn’t want to hang up the phone and was tempted to buy another phone card. Searching his wallet, he saw that he’d used a lot of his cash already and frowned. It would have to wait for just a few days. He’d settle for brief respites from his routine if he had to.
Lily heard the warning and took a deep breath. If they were both nervous, nothing would get said, and she would still have her unanswered questions or have to wait for another phone call or letter. It was either time to put up or shut up. She had questions and craved to know more about the man.
“John, tell me why you asked if I was single. Why did you care? How did you break your finger and is it hurting you? Do you need anything?” she blurted out quickly, feeling the timer winding down. “Do you have email? Can you send a photo? That sounds so shallow, but I want to match the voice with the man? Just to be able to picture who I am talking to, so you aren’t some stranger anymore. This is terrible. I feel like we are playing twenty questions on the dating game - when I just want to talk about little nothings with a friend that truly understands me,” she finished.
“I will find a way to email you a photo somehow. I promise you. If not, I will see if I can get one to you in the mail. I don’t need anything, you’ve already spoiled me too much. I broke my finger punching a guy who teased me about getting your packages –long story - and I asked if you were single because I really like you and felt a kinship. I want to get to know the sweet woman that thought enough of a stranger to reach out. I like you.”
“But you don’t know what I look like and we might not even get along.”
John took a deep breath. Her words were true, but he felt in his gut that meeting her was something he’d been gifted with. He hadn’t realized how low his morale had fallen, or how numb he felt, until he was presented with a spark of light. He felt almost poetic thinking of how much happier he was on the days that he heard word from her. It didn’t matter what she looked like because he already liked Lily.
“I don’t care what you look like because it’s what’s inside that matters and I already know you are more beautiful than anything I will have ever known in my life.” He heard her soft gasp and felt his heart flutter, knowing he was right and spoke true. She was beautiful, incredibly so, on the inside – her mind and essence were light and he was attracted like a moth to a flame.
“You don’t know that, and you shouldn’t say things like that.”
“But I bet I’m still right about it.”
“TWO MINUTES REMAINING.”
“John, I…” he heard her sweet voice stopped again by the announcement in the phone and felt a wave of sadness hit him. Was their time up already? He’d barely gotten to talk to her and there was so much he wanted to know. What made her smile? What were her hopes or dreams?
“I know. I am so glad I got to hear your voice today.” It was true. The gift of being able to hear her voice was priceless. When he got back to his bunk, he would re-read her letters again, but this time he would hear Lily’s soft gentle accent as she spoke. He knew the words already, having poured over them repeatedly, but now they had personality. They had sound and character in his mind.
“Will you call again soon?”
“If you’d like me to.” Her sweet tentative voice told him she was shy. He felt infinitely protective of her and would make a list of things to ask or talk about next time he calle
d. He wanted to take the burden of thinking of something to discuss off her.
“I would.”
“ONE MINUTE REMAINING.”
“Give Radar a hug for me and please take care of yourself. I look forward to your letters and if you can call that would be terrific. School’s starting back so I might not be available until…” he interrupted her, with almost an apologetic tone to his voice. They were running out of time and he wanted to tell her bye and goodnight. He’d do his best to call again as soon as he could.
“Lily- it’s okay. Take ca-“John flinched as the line went dead on his end. He felt like he’d almost been punched in the gut by the abrupt end. Her voice was gone, and he felt the yawning blackness of sadness trying to take hold. He shook his head and thanked God for the brief respite to his day. Instead of letting himself get down, he would push back, do everything he could to keep his promise of the photo. He’d break every finger in his hand if the other guys teased him, and it would be worth it. Determined, he left the small room and shut the door behind him. He fetched the earrings from his locker at the end of his bunk and mailed them immediately to her.
His girl.
7
August 2015
Tyler, Texas
Lily stared at the cell phone horrified as the call ended and felt tears well up in her eyes. She dashed them away and cradled it to her for several moments, wondering if he would call again. She lay there staring at the ceiling in her bedroom, her mind racing. The phone call did little to wash away her curiosity of the man; in fact, it did the opposite. She was even more fascinated and intrigued by the stranger who seemed to be so very kind to her and thought she was a beautiful soul. She glanced down at her flannel pajamas feeling very homely. But he claimed to not care. He said she had a beautiful soul and it made her feel incredibly wonderful. He seemed to know exactly what she needed to hear. She vowed to mail him a few phone cards tomorrow.
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