Terry shook her head. “Not at all,” she said. “It’s not ridiculous for you to feel that way. Alzheimer’s is a horrific disease and it takes away the person we loved. Even if that body is still there, it’s not the same. That man who you were dealing with in the worst moments wasn’t your father, yet you still wanted to love and respect him and for him to treat you the way he always had.”
“Exactly,” I said. “It was awful watching him go through that and all the ways he changed. But I felt like I couldn’t say anything or share it with anybody because it was disrespectful or embarrassing to him. So I ended up leaving. I left him and my brothers. I left the woman I loved.”
“So you gave up your entire life and filled what was left with the military. But then suddenly, that was gone, too. So you haven’t just been dealing with PTSD, but you’re also grieving. That is very difficult and it’s a really good thing you’re here now.”
“I hope so,” I said.
“What are your goals for being here? What do you want to accomplish through therapy?”
“It’s taken me a while to even face up to the reality that PTSD is a serious thing and that I’m dealing with it. I learned just a couple of weeks ago that my father dealt with it, too, after his time in the war, and now I realize that probably contributed a lot to how he was at the end of his life. I’ve been struggling with it and I want to be able to get past it. It’s taken a lot of thought and being uncomfortably honest with myself, but I know now that Green Valley is where I want to be. This has always been my home and I want to be here with the girl I left behind. But in order to do that, I need to figure out how I’m going to live with this condition and how to lessen its impact on my daily life.”
Terry nodded and smiled at me. “Well, I am here to help you with that and I’m more than happy to guide you along for however long you think you need me. PTSD can be very difficult and have a tremendous impact on your mental health and daily functioning. But it doesn’t have to be forever. It doesn’t have to define or limit you. I have helped many people through their own lingering effects and can help you. I’m not going to promise it’s going to be easy. And I’m not going to promise you that you’re not going to think about it anymore or will never have a flashback or difficult time coping with certain situations. But I can help you to better cope with what you went through so you don’t go through the hardships of episodes anymore.”
“That sounds great,” I told her.
“Good. So to get started, I want you to take me back. Bring me with you to a memory you can recall reliving when you were triggered and went through an episode.”
A shock of fear went through me, but I swallowed it down and reminded myself this was what I needed. Talking about what I went through would help her understand what was happening and lead me out of it.
In the desert …
That used to be a man’s skull.
That was the only thing going through my mind as I curled up against the wall, making myself as small as possible in the short, open hallway of a barely standing building. My body knew what to do and worked on autopilot, a benefit of thousands of hours of training. My brain could think of all kinds of things while my body did all the important shit like breathing and crouching low to avoid being seen and avoiding shrapnel. So my brain wandered to the skull of the man whose body still sat in the rocking chair ten feet away while parts of his skull sat at my feet.
He was just a guy. Just some guy, sitting in a chair in a building that had been blown to bits years ago, taking a moment to himself after helping my battalion navigate the street. Our translator had been sick with some bullshit desert flu, and we picked him up because he spoke enough English to tell us where not to go. Turned out, even he didn’t know.
Bullets rippled through the walls and missed my head by inches. A part of the plaster broke off and sliced me under the ear, but I barely felt it. My brain was busy. Somewhere deep inside there, I was counting off seconds. They had AKs, remnants of Soviet support, and pretty soon, the barrage had to end so they could reload. They weren’t disciplined, trained to reload in shifts to keep continuous gunfire. They just rattled off until they had nothing left and reloaded, often without taking cover. I kept counting. Soon, there would be a lull. I’d have maybe five seconds.
The lull came. I could feel it as the last gun fired its remaining shots and I stood and turned. My thoughts disappeared, locking away the image of that skull somewhere else to think about later. Probably in a dream. It was always in a fucking dream.
My gun went up spraying. They were only firing from the west, or at least I thought they were, so if I could lay down cover for myself, I could run. I didn’t pull my finger off the trigger. It burned with heat as the shots rang out and my government-issued boots pounded sand. All the while, my brain counted. I knew how many bullets I had, how long the lull would last. How long I’d be breathing.
I didn’t stop for the guys on the ground. They didn’t make it. None of them were moving and never would again. I ran like hell for the truck, which was already moving. I could see the driver slumped over and Sam beside him, yanking on the steering wheel and jamming his foot on top of the dead guy. Another local. Another poor fuck who’d decided to help us and got a bullet for it. A bunch of them.
Sam was screaming we had to go. Movement around me said there were others like me, still standing. Still alive. Spraying cover fire. Not as many as we had when we got there but some. I was almost at the truck, and Johnny came up beside me. He was a good guy, decent at poker and funny as hell. I liked him. I grabbed on to the rail on the back of the truck and looked over at him, expecting him to grab the other one.
He didn’t.
Johnny went down face first in the sand and I instinctively almost let go to get him. Then I felt it on my face. Blood. A lot of it. A lot more of it was sinking into the dirt around Johnny’s head. It must have got him right underneath the helmet. By the ear. Like the plaster did.
My fingers barely held on, and I gripped hard just before the truck skidded onto a side street and the fuck out of danger. We’d send a tank for the bodies. Wipe the whole damn place off the map. I’d never see Johnny again though, just the box they put him in. When I did see it, like I always did, I couldn’t help but think the box was too small. They couldn’t breathe.
They can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
Chapter 36
Shannon
The end of the week found me at The Junction with Sara. After a long week at work, she was particularly eager to get out and have some fun. She was ready to head out to the bar almost as soon as I was home from the shop. She waited impatiently back at my loft while I took a shower and got dressed.
When I came out of the bathroom, she was standing in the middle of the floor, staring at the stained-glass window that took up a large portion of the front wall.
“You know that’s always been there, right?” I asked.
She glanced over at me and nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I know. But I’ve never really taken the time to stand here and look at it. It’s really beautiful.”
“I like it,” I said. “It’s one of the main reasons I picked this place. I thought it was a unique feature.”
“I’ve never seen a window like this in an apartment,” she agreed. “Especially not around Green Valley.”
“Have you spent a whole lot of time out of Green Valley I don’t know about?” I asked as I sat on the couch to put my shoes on.
Sara looked at me strangely. “No,” she said.
I laughed and walked toward my front door. “It’s a really nice night. Do you want to just walk up to the bar? I have a feeling you’re not going to be in any condition to do a whole lot of driving by the end of the night.”
Sara shook her head. “Probably not,” she said and laughed. “It’s been a long week.”
“So you said. Come on.” I looked over at Beau where he was stretched out across the opposite end of the couch. “You be a go
od boy. I’ll be back later tonight.”
The walk to the bar from my apartment wasn’t too long and I enjoyed the fresh evening air after an entire day of being surrounded by cars and the various fumes and fluids they entailed. I was dying to tell Sara what happened between Jesse and me, but I hadn’t wanted to tell her over the phone.
This was the type of conversation I wanted to have in person so I could see the look on her face when she reacted. Unfortunately, both our jobs had kept us so busy over the last couple of weeks there was no chance for us to talk. We even missed the last two Fridays going to The Junction together. Now we finally had the chance to really talk.
As we walked along, she kept glancing over at me and I knew she was getting the feeling something was up. Finally, she paused and stared at me.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked. “There’s something different about your face.”
I laughed. “You mean I’m smiling?”
“Maybe,” she said. “I mean, you smile a lot. But there’s something different about this smile. What’s happening?”
“Maybe it’s the smile of someone in a relationship with the man she loves,” I said.
It took a second to sink in, but Sara’s eyes finally widened and she reached out to grab hold of my wrist. “Are you serious?” she asked.
I nodded as we started walking down the sidewalk again. “Yes,” I told her. “It’s been about two weeks.”
“You waited that long?” she asked incredulously. “This has been going on for two weeks and you didn’t bother to tell me?”
“I wanted to tell you in person,” I said. “It’s kind of big news. And Jesse and I were just kind of enjoying it on our own for a bit.”
“Kind of?” she asked. “This is huge news! I can’t believe you and Jesse are back together.”
“Neither can I,” I said. “Actually, yes I can. It’s what I’ve always wanted and what I always believed was going to happen. I never gave up on him.”
“I know you didn’t,” she said. “That was always inspiring. Even when it seems like there was no chance, you kept holding him in your heart and believing in him.”
“And it finally paid off,” I said. “We are officially a couple and he is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself and deal with the struggles he brought back with him. I know it’s not easy for him and probably not something he ever imagined he was going to do, but I’m really proud of him for putting himself out there and trying hard to do what he needs to do for himself.”
“And for you,” she pointed out.
I nodded. “And for me. Getting him better is going to make so much of a difference.”
We made it to the bar and walked up to our usual bartender. She was already slinging drinks and barely had the chance to stop and smile at us. We called our drink orders out to her and she nodded. Christina had an amazing memory for drink orders. She couldn’t remember birthdays or anniversaries for shit, but she could recognize customers within just a few times of them coming to the bar, and she was always able to recall orders. In the entire time I’d been coming to the bar, I never knew her to mess up an order or be slow in bringing us our drinks.
Things started slowing down a bit for her after she filled a few more orders and she smiled at us as if to invite us to linger back and chat with her. Sara looked like she was brimming, like she wasn’t going to be able to hold anything back, but I was fine with that. Sara and I had been best friends a long time and I was under no delusions she was good at keeping secrets. Besides, this wasn’t a secret.
“Where’ve the two of you ladies been for the last couple of weeks?” Christina asked. “I don’t know if I’ve ever known the two of you to miss two weeks in a row.”
“I’ve been really busy at work,” Sara told her. “This is the first chance I’ve had in a long time to take some time off without me passing out from exhaustion.”
“Please don’t do that,” the bartender joked. “That would really cramp our style. Besides, I’m probably the one who would end up having to clean you up, and I don’t have time for all that.”
“Good to know my untimely death would be such an inconvenience to you,” Sara quipped.
“I’m not worried about you dying,” Christina said. “But have you felt the carpets around here recently? I wouldn’t want you to pass out and end up rolling around on the carpet getting sticky. Then I would have to clean you up. I don’t have time for all that.” Sara and I laughed and accepted the drinks Christina prepared for us. “What about you? Where have you been, Shannon?”
“I’ve been busy, too,” I told her.
“That’s one way to put it,” Sara joked.
I nudged her with my elbow, but there was no use. Christina already saw the look on her face and heard the comment.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
Sara and I exchanged glances and Christina looked back and forth between us, waiting for one of us to spill.
Finally, I did. “Jesse and I are back together,” I told her.
“Jesse Montgomery?” she asked.
I laughed. “Is there any other?” I asked.
“Good point,” Christina said. A dry smile crossed her lips.
“So you and Jesse are officially back together. You have finally figured out all your shit and are going to give this thing a go.”
“Yes,” I told her.
“Took you long enough,” she said. “But I sure am happy for you. Does that mean he’ll be coming around here with you more often?”
“Should be,” I said. “He had a couple of important things to deal with this evening, so I don’t know if he’ll be able to join us. But you’ll be seeing plenty of him.”
“How about those other Montgomery boys?” she asked. “Will I be seeing them coming in here?”
“Can’t guarantee anything,” I said. “But they seem so happy to have their brother back, they might just be willing to broaden their horizons a bit.”
“Well, good.”
The conversation had moved over to just a casual chat about everything that was going on around town and with Christina when I heard the DJ who handled karaoke call for everyone’s attention. He did his usual spiel and got ready to call up the first singer. But he didn’t have to reach over into the large bowl that held everybody’s number. Instead, he just looked at me and smiled. It suddenly occurred to me what was going on.
“Hey everybody,” he started. “Looks like we have a good night tonight. We are gearing up for some karaoke and I see one of my very favorite singers out there. Maybe we can convince her to come on up here and give us a song. How about it, Shannon?”
Even if I had wanted to turn him down, there was no way I could have done it. All around me, the crowd filling up the bar erupted in cheers and clapping. They chanted my name and called out suggestions for what I should sing. It was the greatest kind of peer pressure and I downed my drink before heading up to the stage.
Holding on to the microphone, I called out to the people watching to tell me what to sing. I hammed it up a bit, pretending I couldn’t hear them and cupping my hand around my ear as I leaned closer to them. They shouted louder, and finally I picked one of the songs out of what I heard. I told the DJ and he nodded before putting it into the machine.
The whole bar felt like it was shaking around me with the intensity of the crowd cheering. I sang my heart out, pouring every bit of myself into the song. Halfway through, I saw the people in front of me part a bit and Jesse walk through them. Our eyes met and he grinned. I watched him for the rest of the song. He swayed and danced, mouthing the words along with me. He was my tried and true hype man.
As the song ended, Jesse walked up to the stage and offered me his hand. I took it and he guided me down from the stage and into his arms for a kiss. The crowd cheered even louder, adding his name to the chanting of mine as he dramatically dipped me back. That moment marked the transition of the bar into its night scene. The bar went darker, and col
ored lights showed up around the area right in front of the stage. Dance music pumped loudly through the speakers as the DJ waited for people to put in song requests for karaoke and people ordered more drinks.
“I’m going for another drink,” Sara said, coming up to me as I walked back to where we had been at the bar. “I got us a booth over there. Do you want anything?”
“I’ll have another,” I told her. “Jesse?”
I glanced over at him so he would give Sara his order, but he shook his head.
“Just a water for me,” he told her.
Sara nodded and headed for the bar while we went to the table and sat down. I was expecting the rest of our group to show up soon and took the excuse to squeeze in close to Jesse.
“Just water tonight?” I asked.
“Yep,” he said, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing me. “I’m steering clear of anything harder for now. I need to keep a clear head while I’m working through things. It would be too easy to let myself depend on drinking to take the edge off and I don’t want to do that. It’s hard, but it needs to be hard. That’s what’s going to make the progress I need and get me to where I need to be.”
I gave him another kiss, unable to resist when he was so close. I had so many of them built up from the years I wasn’t able to give them to him. He grinned wider at me and I grabbed his hand, pulling him back out of the booth and to the dance floor. We took a spot right in the middle, presenting ourselves to everybody watching. There was no hesitation, no shyness.
This was our debut, our message to the whole town of Green Valley that we were back together.
Chapter 37
Jesse
Last call had come and gone, and Shannon was still out on the dance floor dancing. They weren’t going to kick her out. That was one of the best things about a little neighborhood place like The Junction.
Since it was quite literally a place where everybody knew your name, it was also a place where everybody was willing to accept at least a little bit of nonsense from you. Especially when it was innocent, good-hearted nonsense like continuing to dance even after the music was turned down to almost being inaudible and most of the people had left.
His Reckless Heart (The Montgomery Boys Book 1) Page 21
