Well This Sucks

by CoraLee June

  “Six a.m. Monday morning. Like my blackout curtains? It keeps the pesky sun away.”

  “Shit. I got to get ready for work,” I replied with a wince. A situation like this would normally call for a sick day, but I had a product launch to lead and dicks to sell. And avoidance. Lots of avoidance.

  “Yeah. That’s not happening. You’ll need at least a year to acclimate to your new needs. You’re not hungry right now, but it can strike at a moment’s notice. One papercut could ruin everything. And how are you even thinking about work? Are you in shock?”

  Shock sounded about right. I had a mantra that had served me well over the years: Avoid a mental breakdown by never stopping to realize you’re having a mental breakdown. Keep yourself so busy you forget that your parents are dead or that some asshole in college tried to rape you or that your foster dad had lingering eyes and liked to take the doors off your bedroom.

  I massaged my neck while trying to peer across the room. I pictured Diego smirking at me. I hated that sexy smirk. If vampires had a manager, I wanted to speak to them. “If you’re the welcoming committee, you seriously suck,” I replied. “You need a welcome basket. Maybe a relaxing scented candle and a pamphlet explaining everything. Your hypothetical vampire bit needs work.”

  Diego chuckled, and I heard movement. A lamp flicked on, and I sneered. “As you wish,” he said before pointing at a legitimate welcome basket tied with a velvet bow. There were bags of blood, condoms, sunblock, sunglasses, and a fucking pamphlet that said So You’re a Vampire, Now What?

  “I was kidding, but your two stars on Yelp just improved to three.”

  “I thought certainly my blood would earn me five stars,” Diego joked before grabbing a bag of blood and tossing it to me. The smug bastard was sitting across the room, but it felt like he was breathing down my neck. I barely knew the guy, but I was incredibly attuned to his presence. I didn’t get it. “I’m surprised you aren’t freaking out right now. Especially considering I was supposed to kill you last night. I’ll call the coven therapist.”

  I was staring at the blood he’d tossed me. I was debating on putting a puncture hole in the bag and going to town when his words stunted me. “You were going to kill me? I mean, I kind of assumed that you had nefarious plans when you said you were going to snap my neck, but looking back, I was kind of hoping that was your version of foreplay.”

  “We have a process every new vampire must go through for consideration into our elite...kingdom. Being immortal isn’t for everyone. The grandmother that turned you was an unsanctioned fledgling. As king, it’s my duty to make sure unworthy psychopaths don’t join our ranks.”

  I forced the lump of fear down my throat. “So why didn’t you kill me?”

  “I’m not sure. And it’s even worse that I let you drink from me.”

  “Why?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer. “Is it not normal for vampires to drink from each other?” That question felt way too similar to acceptance. This was a game. Yep. I was totally playing along with his weird role play. That was much easier to swallow.

  “Feeding can be an intimate experience if you aren’t careful. It’s probably why Lawrence didn’t feed his grandmother himself. And since your first feed is from a king, you’re automatically indoctrinated to my court. Welcome to Kingdom of Night, Lady Drew of…” his voice trailed off.

  “Sunshine Avenue?” I offered. How fucking ironic that I would live on Sunshine sucking Avenue.

  “You’re kidding,” Diego replied.

  “You’re the one saying I’m now a part of some royal court. You don’t look like a king. This is your fantasy, dude, I’m going along with it so you don’t kill me.”

  Diego surged over to me, his speed impossibly fast. Teeth bared, he loomed over me on the mattress, making me fall backward. His eyes were impossibly dark. His snarling face made my heart race with terror. Fuck. Holllyyyy shit. He just—he just ran hella fast. “Is this kingly enough for you, Lady Drew?”

  I gulped. “Yep.”

  “This isn’t a fantasy. This is real. You are a vampire, and the unsanctioned turning of a human is very much against the law. Accepting you into my court is something unheard of. There will be gossip. People will think I’m weak. They’ll challenge you. Everything you do from now on will be a reflection of me. So I suggest you acclimate quickly and learn to respect me. I will not hesitate to end your life. I’ve killed other vampires for less.”

  Fucking hell. He was serious. This was all too much. I was about thirty minutes late for a full mental breakdown. Diego sniffed my skin, and the sensual inhale made his eyes roll back. His reaction to me made me pause.

  “If it’s so against the rules, then why did you do it? Why am I alive right now?”

  Maybe it was bad form to test the person who was responsible for keeping you alive, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to understand.

  Diego growled. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. Get dressed. I have to attend a council meeting and somehow convince them all you’re worthy of the honor I’ve bestowed on you, and that I didn’t do this because my dick decided to be desperate last night.”

  My face soured. I didn’t like what he was insinuating. “I’ll have you know, I’m pretty fucking awesome. And what about work? And does sunlight kill us? I was hella sensitive to it yesterday. What about garlic? Do you all really sleep in coffins? Do I have a reflection?” I gasped at the thought of never seeing myself again.

  Diego rubbed his temples. “Read the pamphlet, Drew. I’ll come get you in three hours. Call in sick to work. Or better yet, call in dead.”

  With those ominous words, Diego disappeared out the metal door, slamming it shut as he left.

  And the moment he was gone, I freaked the fuck out.

  After I was sure Diego had left, I went back to the welcome basket and tore it apart. I don’t know what I was looking for, but it felt good to rip it open. I threw all the contents out onto the bed. My eyes landed on the bag of blood that had been forgotten as soon as I heard the word royalty. I grabbed it and stalked over to the kitchen where I found a straw and poked it through the bag, Capri Sun style. I could do this. I could drink blood like it was a totally normal thing to do.

  Holy suck, what was happening to me?

  As horrible as it was to admit to myself, the room temperature blood wasn’t as good as drinking it directly from Diego’s veins, but having a little snack did help to calm me down a bit. With my head slightly clearer, I went over to the bed to find the pamphlet among the strewn about items. If this was going to be my life, may as well read the how-to guide.

  I got distracted by a pair of big round Gucci sunglasses. King of the Damned had good taste. Placing them on my face, I walked over to the mirror to admire them. I slid them down my nose, blew kisses to myself in the mirror, and fake laughed as I checked myself out. Noticing a trickle of leftover blood on my lip, I leaned in closer to the mirror to wipe it off. That’s when it dawned on me that I could, thankfully, still see my reflection. I really needed to read that pamphlet.

  This time when I went to look for the leaflet, I didn’t let anything distract me. Except maybe the Magnum condoms, I bet those were Diego’s size. From my brief encounter with his member of the undead, he needed the Magnums. But do vampires even come? Is it to stop infections? Does bacteria even affect the nonliving? Holy shit, I’m a vampire.

  A real life vampire.

  This was normal. Totally cool.

  I needed something to do, or I was going to completely lose my shit.

  Right, the pamphlet.

  I sat down at the kitchen table with my Capri blood and How to Be a Vampire 101 booklet and started reading: So, you’re a vampire. Now what? I bet you have a lot of questions about your changing body. Questions that are perfectly normal. Let’s dive right in. Geez, did this thing have a table of contents? I needed to know the important things like sex-ed and how to function as though I weren’t a vampire. Like at work. Oh shit, work. I needed to
call my boss, Lacey, and let her know I wasn’t coming in today, or like ever, depending on what the rest of this pamphlet said.

  My phone was almost dead from not being charged last night, but it had enough battery to make a quick phone call. Putting on my best fake sick voice, I dialed her number.

  “Drew, where the fuck are you? You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago,” Lacey answered, straight to the point.

  “I know, I’m so sorry,” I coughed. “I’m sick. I can’t come in and spread my germs around the office.”

  “As disgusting as that sounds, the Love Yourself group moved up the presentation. They are coming in today, and you have to be here. They loved what we did last time and want us to start marketing their new Out of This World line. Something about aliens, or X-Files, or conspiracy theorists. I don’t know, they kind of lost me with that one. But you need to get here, now!”

  I eyed the pamphlet, scanning it for anything like don’t go outside or you’ll burst into flames.

  “I’m really sick. I have a massive headache. A fever. I’m vomiting and everything.”

  “I don’t care. I need you. Seriously, Drew. You need to be here. I wouldn’t normally ask this of you, but we can’t lose this account.”

  I let out a huff of air. I wondered what human resources would say if I called and said I was turned into a vampire. “Fine. I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Great! Please hurry.” Lacey hung up the phone, and I bit the inside of my cheek before eyeing the pamphlet once more.

  You’ll be very hungry. It will take time and practice to acclimate to your body’s new needs.

  No shit, Sherlock. I kept scanning.

  Always wear sunblock when outdoors. The sun is uncomfortable for vampires but not deadly.

  Hella uncomfortable. Check. Check.

  Avoid large crowds for the first six months.

  Yeah. I lived in a big city. That wasn’t happening.

  Avoid hospitals, blood banks, and other places where you are likely to encounter blood.

  Easy enough.

  I had the willpower of a saint. I once said no to a slice of chocolate Oreo cake at an office birthday because I was trying Keto. I could handle a little hunger pang. But if I was going to show up at work, I needed clothes. I had no desire to do a bloody walk of shame in my dress from last night.

  Maybe I could find something in the lost and found? This was a club after all. And considering the number of naked couples I saw downstairs, there was likely to be a pile of forgotten garments somewhere. I walked over to the door and opened it, then screamed when I saw the largest man I’d ever seen in my adult life standing on the other side. He didn’t seem startled by my outburst.

  “Lady Drew. Is there anything I can help you with? King Diego is meeting with the council and gave strict instructions that no one bothers him.”

  Perfect. King of the undead was busy. I quickly assessed this man. Considering he was posted outside my door, I made the snap judgment that he was my guard. “I need clothes. And can you order me a cab? Have it here in, like, thirty minutes.”

  The large man with bright blue eyes, pale skin, and a buzz cut eyed me warily. He had a jawline that most women would lose their shit over. And I had to tilt my head all the way up to see him. “King Diego left clothes for you in the bathroom, and you aren’t supposed to go anywhere without him.”

  I squinted. “Did he say that explicitly, or was that sort of assumed?” I asked. He scowled.

  “The king didn’t say those exact words, but it’s common knowledge that new vampires need to be assessed before going in public.”

  “But he didn’t give you an order, right?” I asked. I’d read enough royal smut to know that there were loopholes to every rule. Bodice rippers were my jam.

  “That would be correct, Lady Drew.”

  I smiled at him. “And as a Lady, would that make my rank higher or lower than yours?”

  The beefy man tensed as if I’d slapped him across the cheek. Clearing his throat, he forced words out through his thin lips. “Your rank supersedes mine, Lady Drew.”

  “Perfect. I have about thirty minutes to get to work and convince a well-known sex toy line that our company is the right distributor for their new alien cocks. So I’m going to need you to order a car and have it here in fifteen minutes, uh, what was your name again?”

  “Rocky, Lady Drew.”

  “Rocky?” I asked, surprised. “How original.”

  Rocky looked about two seconds from curling his fists and hitting me in the jaw. I wondered if I had super strength.

  “So it’s settled?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Great. Thank you, Rocky.” I gave him my award-winning customer service smile, then disappeared back in the room to see whatever god-awful clothes Diego had picked out for me. If there was a velvet cape involved, I was going to smother him with a pillow. I was only playing nice with Diego because I needed to understand what the fuck I was.

  Drew

  I made it to the office about thirty seconds before Lacey had a complete meltdown. The cab ride over was unpleasant, but thanks to my oversized sunglasses and caked on sunblock, it was bearable. I caught myself eyeing the driver’s neck a few times and wondering if his blood tasted as sweet as Diego’s. I had to force myself not to get lost in that train of thought.

  “What the fuck are you wearing?” Lacey, who was pacing frantically in the lobby, asked as she eyed me up and down.

  “Oh, this old thing?” I joked, smoothing my hands over the black leather pants Diego left for me. He had paired it with a black crepe blouse, which had a hot vampy vibe, but wasn’t exactly appropriate for a pitch meeting. “Do you like it?”

  “You look like you’re starring in a gothic horror flick. I’m digging it, but we should have a conversation about time and place, Drew. Whatever, let’s go,” she snapped, obviously not amused. Lacey was a stylish forty-year-old woman that built this company from the ground up. She was one of the first women to take the sex toy industry by storm. She had long ash blonde hair tied up in a bun and wore a pencil skirt with a red blouse. She was the epitome of looking sexy and smart. She didn’t have family or any consistent boyfriends. She lived, breathed, and worshipped her job. Who needed a man when you had a mountain of dildos at your disposal?

  I wanted to be just like her.

  Lacey scowled at me as she grabbed my wrist and practically dragged me into the elevator. I held my breath when I realized how attuned I was to the blood thumping through her veins. I could hear her pulse.

  Thump, thump.

  Thump, thump.

  The doors closed, and we started the ride up to the seventeenth floor of the building, Lacey bringing me up to speed as quickly as she could. I could see her vein throbbing on her neck, but mercifully, the fruity perfume she wore overpowered any scent of her blood. I would not get that promotion if I sucked my boss dry in the elevator.

  Oh my gosh, what the fuck was wrong with me? The whole point of going to work was to pretend that last night was a terrible nightmare and that I was normal.

  Man, I was hungry. Could I eat anything else? I briefly wondered if I should check over the pamphlet again in my purse. What if I didn’t like donuts anymore? That would be a travesty.

  When the doors opened, I followed Lacey out and down the hall to the boardroom. I ran my fingers through my hair and pinched my cheeks, hoping to give them a little color. There wasn’t any makeup set out with the clothes, so I had to make do with the medieval technique. I put a smile on my face and mustered up all the fake courage I could before walking into the room. My smile faltered as soon as I walked through the doors. There were, like, thirty people in this room. Shit, what was that rule? Avoid large crowds. What constituted a large crowd?

  I took in a deep breath, then immediately held the air in my chest the moment my twitching nose smelled something delicious. Oh shit. This was going to be bad. I continued into the meeting room. It’s fine. I was fine. Everyth
ing was going to be fine. I wasn’t even feeling hungry—not really. Okay. Maybe a little. I needed to sell our company to this group of bald, sweating men while not vamping out and eating them all for lunch. No big deal.

  Vamping out.

  I really wanted to suck their blood and shit. Okay, maybe pretending this wasn’t happening was a bad idea. My gums ached. “Good morning, everyone,” I said, my voice wavering a little. “Thank you for being patient.”

  One of the things Lacey taught me was to never apologize in business. Instead of saying Sorry I made you sit here for three hours, you should thank them for being patient. Sorry I completely fucked up the report should be I’m happy to revisit the numbers and compile something more suitable for your needs.

  Never apologize in business. Not if you wanted to be taken seriously. There was a different set of rules for women in the world of money and men, and you had to follow them with grace.

  “Lacey explained that you were sick. We appreciate you taking the time to come in despite feeling under the weather,” a beefy man with beads of sweat on his forehead said while sweeping his eyes up and down my body. His gaze lingered on the tight leather pants I wore. Gross. “We’ve heard incredible things about you, Drew. We hope you can come up with a marketing plan that will best suit our unique needs.”

  I marched up to the front of the room while trying not to breathe. If I didn’t breathe, I didn’t smell the blood. Oh my Goddess, I was hungry.

  “I had time to look over your product line on the cab ride over here, and I already have some ideas. I love the fantasy of it all. Alien dicks that can be any shape, any size. It’s out of this world, and there is definitely a market for women that would appreciate that. Why limit yourself to the human experience when you can have more, right?” I asked with a playful wink.