Well This Sucks

by CoraLee June

  I debated for a moment longer, but then I realized that this was probably my only chance ever to fuck like a poltergeist. I had to do this. In the name of science.

  I parted my lips and licked a line up his shaft. He hissed when I slid down his length. His hooded eyes took me in as I pumped up and down.

  Side note, blow jobs while astral projecting? So easy. Gag reflex? What’s that? And Diego acted like I was hitting him with that Gluck Gluck 9000 with the way he was jerking and biting his lip. I prided myself on being good at blow jobs. I’d listened to every episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast, so I knew I was talented. But this experience took things to an entirely new level. I was rocking it.

  “This feels so fucking good,” Diego groaned. “I’m going to come.”

  I wondered briefly if I would taste or feel his come like I felt his dick. I’d never been able to swallow before. Oh my gosh! Bucket list item! “Drew,” he warned again.

  Have at it, big guy. I wanted the full mindsuck experience.

  When he came, I kid you not, it shot through the back of my ghost head and landed on the floor. The logistics of this were strange and slightly fucked up, but I didn’t even care. I’d officially given my first ever ghosty blowie, and it was fucking epic. Probably my favorite part of this entire vampy experience.

  “Well, this was fun,” I said while standing. I didn’t even have to wipe my mouth. All blow jobs needed to be done this way.

  “What? Where are you going?” Diego rushed out while pulling up his pants and tucking his still semi-erect cock into them.

  “I’ve got a big day ahead of me. You’ve got come to mop up off your floor.”

  He reached for my arm, but I was already fading. “What about you? I want to make you feel good.”

  The image of him all alone in his room, licking the air like my ghost clit was there made me snort. “Nah. Another time, maybe. I’m sleeping in Ryan’s room, and we have a ‘no masturbating at sleepovers’ policy.”

  “Fuck,” Diego growled as I faded away.

  “See you later, King Diego.”

  Drew

  Ryan and I were sitting in a corner booth at the back of a trendy brunch restaurant that had the word egg in its name. “Eggscellent” or “Eggstraordinary” or something like that. We got there before Claire, and even though I had done my best to convince Ryan that she wasn’t going to eat or hypnotize him, he was still looking over his shoulder every five seconds and flinching whenever a woman walked by.

  “Ryan, stop that. You look super sketchy, like you’re waiting for a drug dealer or something.”

  “Sorry, I can’t help it,” he said, his eyes nervously darting around the restaurant.

  “Dude, if she was going to eat you, she wouldn’t have picked a brunch place, okay? Besides, I thought you were super into the whole vampire thing. You were up all night watching Buffy.”

  Ryan shifted in his seat so that he was facing me. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, nodding his head as he slowly exhaled. He repeated this a couple more times before opening his eyes and looking at me.

  “One,” he said, holding out one finger. “Spike and Angel are damn good man candy. If we were having breakfast with them, I would be having to calm myself down for different reasons. Two,” he said, popping up his second finger, “Buffy was a vampire slayer, not a vampire bruncher. And three,” he said, holding up the third—and what I hoped was the final—finger. “Isn’t she kind of a big deal? I want to make a good impression. For both our sakes.”

  “Oh, I’m not that big of a deal, but I do appreciate your wanting to impress me,” Claire greeted us over Ryan’s shoulder.

  Ryan squealed and jumped about a foot out of his chair. I unsuccessfully attempted to stifle a laugh, causing Ryan to shoot me a dirty look. He sat back in his chair, clutching his heart and gasping.

  “Hi, Claire. I’m sorry about Ryan, he’s a little wound up. I hope you don’t mind that we already chose a table?”

  “Not at all,” Claire said graciously. Thankfully, she took the seat next to mine. I think she could sense that Ryan might have had an actual heart attack if she sat too close to him. “It’s so nice to eat you, Ryan. I mean, meet you!” The look on Ryan’s face sent both Claire and me into a fit of laughter. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist,” she said between giggles.

  I didn’t think I could love Claire any more than I already did, but after making a cheesy joke and scaring the shit out of my best friend, I developed a full-blown woman crush. It’s a good thing I was the one with the superpowers and not Ryan; otherwise, I think he would have incinerated me with his eyes by now.

  After Ryan had the chance to calm his nerves and see that Claire wasn’t a big bad who was going to drink his blood for breakfast, I made the formal introductions and ordered a round of mimosas for the table. I secretly asked our waiter to make Ryan’s a double.

  Ryan began to relax after his second mimosa and looked like he was having fun. He was asking Claire all kinds of questions about her life, vampire culture, and wanting to know which TV shows were the most vampirically accurate.

  “Hey, Claire?” I asked, interrupting Ryan’s question about whether vampires have to be invited into a place before entering. “Diego was saying something about a vampire’s license last night, when can I get that?”

  “Well, you can take the test whenever you would like. Fledglings usually wait until they have completed initiation and then spent some time outside the compound with their mentors. And no, we don’t have to be invited in,” she directed the last part to Ryan.

  “So I could take it today?” I asked, hopefully.

  “Yes, you could. But you should know that it’s not a pass/fail system. When you take the test, you are evaluated. The evaluations will give you either freedoms or restrictions based on how you perform.”

  “Sounds easy enough,” I replied with a shrug. I bet it had things like don’t kill anyone and avoid garlic. I didn’t want to be too cocky, but I felt like I had a pretty good handle on all of this vampire stuff. I mean, I haven’t sucked anyone dry, unless you count what I did to Diego last night, but even that proves I’ve got this vamp thing down. “What sort of freedoms and restrictions are we looking at?”

  “It puts a perimeter around where you can go. Lower ranking vampires that don’t pass can’t attend events with large crowds or enter a hospital. They can’t leave the city; some can’t leave the compound. Those that exceed expectations can travel internationally. People tend to get hungry on those long flights. We also make sure you aren’t a psychopath that will try to create a cult or anything like that,” Claire explained with a wave of her hand. “You wouldn’t believe how many religious cult leaders are actually vampires. It’s ridiculous.”

  I swallowed. Looks like it wasn’t only Kool-Aid that people were sipping.

  Too soon for that joke? Probably.

  “Fascinating,” Ryan murmured.

  “Isn’t it? We’ve modernized our membership policies over the years. Immortality and superhuman abilities are significantly easier to manage when you have a firm system in place. I created a lot of the policies used today. Before, it felt like a free for all, and the king spent most his days chasing down and killing rogue vampires. It’s easier to live a peaceful existence when everyone knows what to expect.”

  “This is exactly why girls and gays should rule the world,” Ryan said with a heartfelt sigh.

  Claire giggled. “Ryan, would you mind helping Drew out with her vampire test? It is somewhat of a BYOH situation.”

  “BYOH?” I asked.

  “Bring your own human. Ryan is a perfect candidate.”

  Ryan’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Perfect candidate? What exactly is Drew going to be doing to me?”

  “Oh, don’t worry, darling, you won’t remember a thing.”

  I was in the line from hell. It wrapped around the corner, so I couldn’t even see how many people were in front of me. I had finally made it to the part of
the line inside the building, but I hadn’t moved an inch for thirteen minutes. Seriously, how many freaking vampires were there who needed to take this test today? Did vampires have to renew their license? How often could I test? What if I failed?

  I didn’t even have my phone to keep me entertained. I was trying to mentally connect the dots using the moles on a bald man’s head a few spots in front of me when the line finally started to move again. We shuffled forward enough that I could peek around the corner, and I let out an exasperated groan. This line branched off into several other lines. I couldn’t quite tell where they went, but I couldn’t even see any type of counter or employee. Just lines of bored and frustrated vamps.

  They took Ryan once we got here. They said it would be bad to have him mixing with the other vampires and took him off to human daycare until it was my turn. Human daycare sounded a hell of a lot better than what I was doing, he was probably getting snacks and other humans to talk to.

  The one good thing about today was that Rocky was also being forced to stand in this ridiculous line. He and I hadn’t really had the time to make up since I tricked him into letting me leave, but the scowl that continued to grow on his sour expression made the entire experience almost worthwhile.

  “I hate the DVM,” he said.

  “What does that stand for?” I asked.

  “Department of Vampire Management.”

  After two hours of waiting, I contemplated pulling the I’m fated to the motherfucking king card and Kardashian-ing my way up to the front of the line, with a shrill “Do you know who I am?” but the independent woman in me refused to start using that to my advantage when I wasn’t even sure how I felt about him. Sure, last night was weird but also insanely hot, but how would we react in person? Were my feelings authentic?

  I obsessed over Diego while waiting in line.

  A man came storming out of the building, looking like he was about to completely lose his shit. He was stomping and muttering and gesturing wildly while fighting his way against the horde of us waiting to go inside. When he passed me, I could make out something about “paperwork” and “have to go to the back of the line.” Just the thought of starting this line over sent a rush of rage through me.

  I looked down at the paperwork in my own hand and decided to triple-check. I had my letter of approval written by Claire. That’s what gave me permission to even take the test. I also had my human Driver’s License, my sire information, and a note from Eva saying I had completed a certain number of group therapy hours.

  “Excuse me, are you Drew Lane?” someone said. I looked up from my papers at the man towering over me. He wore a gray suit and had a booger hanging from his nose. Gross.

  “That’s me,” I replied.

  “Come with me, miss. The king wants to expedite this process so that you aren’t late for your date tonight.”

  My brows shot up. Date? Did I agree to a date last night? A woman in line behind me spat on the concrete and hissed at my good fortune. “Oh no. I don’t need to skip in line. I’m fine waiting,” I stammered, but Rocky was having none of that. These vamps were going to kill me if I cut in line.

  “Nope. Front of the line, miss. It’s a safety thing,” he said while grabbing my arm and dragging me toward the door.

  “I’m not cutting in front of all these murderous vampires in line, Rocky!” I said while side-eying the angry vamps surrounding us.

  “I thought you liked using your title to bend the rules, hmm?” he snapped, loud enough for everyone in the damn line to hear. Fair enough. I did use that on him. But I refused to miss work. Skipping in line at the DMV—I mean DVM—was bound to get me some seriously bad karma points, and at the rate I was going, I refused to risk it.

  “I really shouldn’t,” I said again.

  “Council member Graham would like to perform your test. He’s concerned that such a new fledgling is already applying for their license,” the man escorting us through the door and down a gray hallway said.

  Graham was performing my test? What the fuck? First the hearing, now this.

  “Shit. Does Diego know about this?” I asked Rocky. Graham was probably looking for an excuse to figure out why Diego had his balls in a twist where I was concerned. That guy was an elitist prick and seriously gave me the creeps.

  “I’ll text him,” Rocky replied before pulling out his phone. I debated on telling Rocky that I could probably telepathically send Diego a bat signal…oh my God, a bat signal. Get it? ’Cause I’m a vampire.

  Classic.

  Anyway, I didn’t know if I could pull it off again, so I let Rocky message him.

  “Here you are,” our tour guide said while stopping at a front desk. There were at least fifty other people we cut in front of, and all of them looked like they wanted to gouge my eyes out. Bad. So bad. But also, thank fuck I didn’t have to wait in that line much longer. I resisted the urge to tell them to suck it when they started booing.

  We were standing in front of a table with a woman wearing a pink pantsuit. She had bright red hair in a tight perm framing her face and was smacking her gum so loudly that it could be heard over the groans of disapproval from line patrons waiting around me. “Name,” she said in a Boston accent.

  “Drew Lane.”

  “Date of birth,” she said while typing on the computer. Her bright red nails were long and clicked as she moved.

  “December twenty-ninth, nineteen eighty-nine.”

  The woman rolled her eyes and stopped typing. “Date of your re-birth, darling. Not your human birth. I don’t give a damn when your mother squeezed you out of her vagine, okay?” she said, pronouncing mother without the r, so it came out as “mothah.”

  “Oh. Uh,” I stammered. “Not too long ago?”

  “That doesn’t help me,” the woman snapped.

  “October thirteenth,” Rocky answered for me.

  “Of last year?” the woman asked while typing loudly. I wanted to pull the popping gum out of her mouth.

  “Last weekish,” I amended.

  She stopped popping her gum. She stopped typing. She stopped everything to stare at me. “Last week, you say? Hand me your papers.”

  I looked at Rocky, suddenly very nervous. “Do most fledglings wait a whole year before they apply?”

  “Yep,” Rocky replied, nonchalantly.

  Oh shit. I mean, I’m a strong, independent woman, hear me roar and all, but I was going to fail this sucking test.

  Drew

  Normally, I would have appreciated the pink pant suit the DVM woman sealing my fate was wearing. I would have admired her contrasting bright red hair, the layered blue eyeshadow, and the little heart stickers on her nametag that identified her as Sally. But after hearing about how accelerated my license test was, I couldn’t enjoy any of those things. Her voice resonated like a funeral march as she directed me to room number four.

  “Hey, Rocky? What happens to me if I fail?” I asked, not moving from my spot.

  “You can’t leave the compound until you retake the test and pass.”

  “And when can I retake the test?”

  “In one year,” he told me, and I swear I saw him smile. No wonder everyone was so enthusiastic about me taking the test. They wanted me to fail so I would be trapped at the compound.

  Well suck that. I’d pass with flying colors, fang you very much.

  “Room number four, please,” Sally said again, sounding bored as she repeated my prison sentence.

  The angry mob of vampires I cut in front of were starting to look even more murderous with every second I stood there taking up even more of their precious time. My anxiety decided it would rather take the test than be left alone with a crowd of angry vamps who waited in line for three hours, and I hurried into room number four.

  Ryan was in the middle of the room, sitting in a plastic chair. He was holding a juice box in one hand and his phone in the other. He looked up at me. “What took you so long? I’m almost out of battery.”

  Rolling
my eyes, I looked around the room some more, waiting for instruction, and when my eyes landed on Graham, my heart fucking stopped. “Welcome, Drew. I don’t usually oversee these tests, but I couldn’t resist seeing what all the fuss was about you. You caused quite the uproar at the hearing, hmm? King Diego has been in quite the tizzy ever since you arrived.”

  “If you’re talking about the stick up his ass, I think it’s been there for a while,” I replied with a wink.

  Graham didn’t find it funny. Instead, he clutched his clipboard and pulled a knife from his pocket. “Let’s get this show on the road, hmm? I’d like for you to hurry up and fail so I can get back to my life. For your first test.”

  Graham picked up the knife and flung it in Ryan’s direction.

  I didn’t think. I didn’t have time to scream. One second, I was standing beside Rocky, and the next I was practically flying toward Ryan to intercept the knife. It landed in my arm, and the sharp tip plunged into the muscle. I cried out. Ryan screamed bloody murder. Graham rolled his eyes.

  “You weren’t supposed to intercept. Five-point deduction. Starting off in the negatives, Drew. I expected nothing less.”

  Rocky stormed over to me while glaring at Graham.

  “How did you get here that quickly?” Ryan asked me before dry heaving. “You were standing there. Now you’re standing here.” He pointed at me as if I was going to disappear. “Did he throw that knife? Claire did not mention this. You’re bleeding a lot. Like a lot a lot.” He never could stand the sight of blood.

  Rocky pulled the knife out, and I watched as the wound sealed shut in record time. Normally, I’d be freaking the fuck out about it, but there was no pain. Immortality was sucking awesome! “Impressive speed, though. I’ll have to log it in the talents section. It’s important to know what advanced skills you have. Rare that a fledgling has any skills. Usually it’s reserved for natural borns. Doesn’t King Diego have super speed as well?” Graham asked Rocky.