She walked in the door and waited for the police officer to watch her sign in and then he left. Going into the ladies room, she stood in front of the mirror. Her face was puffy and her breath was foul, and she reeked of alcohol from every pore. Her sweater was soaked in sweat. Dabbing a paper towel in the water, she tried to wipe the black eyeliner and mascara that had smudged under her eyes. “Oh girl, when are you ever going to learn?” she said to herself. Her choices seemed bleak and she sure as hell didn’t want to go back to her parents. Her car was at the hotel right next to Frank’s and she was certain Benjamin or Clark had noticed that it had never moved. Marcie opened the door to the restroom and walked down the hall to the exit sign. She walked outside and decided to just keep walking, knowing she could call her mother or her father and make a scene, but for some reason she didn’t have any energy to play a leading role in a film that day, so she continued to walk.
Lighting a cigarette, she tried to scrub the slime off her teeth with her tongue then dug her shades and cell phone out of her purse. She wanted to cry and had tried to make the tears come, just to cleanse herself, she felt so empty. She knew alcohol was a depressant, but it seemed to dull the ache and the guilt she felt.
Her fingers kept scrolling to Ben’s number, but she couldn’t push the button. He had pushed her buttons and pushed her away, and he continued to thrust her out of his life. Yet, she knew she would crawl to his apartment if she thought he’d give her the time of day. Where is my self-worth? she thought to herself. There were a million men in the world and yet she only wanted the ones who didn’t want her. She replayed the night’s scene and Steve’s filthy grin and the twinkling glitter of lust that filled his eyes and made her want to puke. I’m disgusting, she thought. Who would want me now?
For some reason, she began to think about her grandmother, Lilly, and her perfect tea set with the little sugar cubes with tongs and the delicate cream pitcher, them sitting on the porch of her quaint cottage, enjoying the sunshine and the hummingbirds that were drinking from the feeders. She suddenly needed her grandmother and some kind of serenity and longed to listen to her old stories of her grandfather and the war. She wanted to look at black and white photos and admire the latest quilt she’d pieced. Her grandmother always introduced her to new types of music and made her want to take a music class because she realized she had a great love for many different genres. One of Marcie’s favorites was a song called, “I Wish I Didn’t Love You So” by Betty Hutton. Another one she liked was Nat Cole’s “L-o-v-e-d.” He spelled out all the ways he adored her by using all the letters.
Marcie decided to call a taxi, go fetch her car, and then head to her grandmother’s. She needed a break from the world. Hot tea, scones, and a hot bath sounded suddenly very inviting indeed.
Heaven’s Heart
Chapter 61
Desiree had just gotten the children home and fixed a pot of spaghetti, when Josh burst into the kitchen wild-eyed and frantic. “It’s happened Mommy, it’s all really real!”
“What’s really real, Josh?”
Josh was running back and forth through the kitchen and his face was covered in excitement. “The angel Belinda, Mommy. She really showed up and I had to let Jackie fly to heaven! She’s on her way right now!” he said elatedly.
Desiree walked into the living room and scoured the room for the pigeon that was suddenly missing. “Slow down Josh, what do you mean Jackie’s in heaven?”
“Belinda, Mommy, remember the angel, Mommy? She told me to let Jackie go and that she would come back and that I had to and that I would get a reward, Mommy!”
“Josh, what did you do with Jackie?” Desiree had heard all about his angel and how lovely she was, but now she was a little put off by Josh and his stories. She then realized again that Walter had been real all along, and she hadn’t taken that one serious, so maybe she should just let him talk. “Okay Josh, have a seat and tell Mommy all about it.”
Josh scooted into the kitchen chair and began to move his arms while he talked frantically. “Belinda is the angel Mommy, and she is bigger than the tallest most gigantic building in the whole world and she has red hair, Mommy, and her gown is very white and she has big wings and can fly, Mommy.” He just kept talking faster and faster without coming up for air. “She took me flying and we took Jackie and she said I have to let Jackie go. But then it was a dream Mommy, but when I woke up Jackie wanted to go so bad that I just lifted her up to the sky and let her go to heaven.”
“Slow down, Josh. Why was she going to heaven?” Desiree waited, knowing then that this had something to do with John.
“Because Jackie can take my letters to Daddy! Mommy, don’t you see, we don’t need any more balloons cause Jackie can fly them up to Daddy! But now I miss her and I hope she comes back soon.” He stopped jumping around so much then and looked up at her, his eyes sad for just a second.
Desiree felt more tears welling up inside of her, and she just didn’t know how much more she could take.
“Mommy, how long does it take to fly to heaven?”
“Josh, I’m not sure, I don’t think anyone knows.” Desiree wasn’t sure what to tell Josh. If Jackie didn’t reappear in a few days, what would he do? She had just gotten attached to the stupid bird and had just bought it everything it needed. Bradford had even bought the fountain for her to splash in. “Josh, what if Jackie doesn’t come back?”
“Mommy, I know she will because Belinda said so, and angels can’t lie Mommy! Aren’t you excited Mommy that we can talk to Daddy again?” His eyes were huge and he was grinning from ear to ear. Desiree just didn’t have the heart to tell him that his wishes would never be.
“I don’t know Josh, I’m afraid Jackie might not be able to find Daddy. You know heaven is a very big place. Or for that matter, she might not want to come back here. I hear heaven is a spectacular place.”
Josh wrinkled his forehead in thought and then smiled again. “I know Mommy, but the angel promised Jackie would come back.” With that, he threw his hands up in the air and raised his eyebrows and smiled at her. Oh, the faith of a child, she thought, as he left Desiree with more to ponder.
Merely Existing
Chapter 62
Benjamin was getting ready for work and he had a lot on his mind. Marcie was just one of the things troubling him. He knew he had hurt her. It seemed he was good at hurting people. Come to think of it, Clark was really the only person he hadn’t run off, but then again they had been together through more than most.
He wanted to try and get to know his father, but even that seemed difficult with Desiree in the picture and what were the odds of that happening? He didn’t even want to try and calculate it. Once again, Benjamin was certain it had something to do with fate. There was always a reason. His mom always told him that nothing happens by chance.
Benjamin was a little nervous that Bradford wanted to come check out his place. He was embarrassed by the area of town and his furniture, which consisted of a collective display of thrift shop finds and dumpster relics. It was a tad of an eye sore. He could only imagine how Bradford lived; he probably had a big nice home with an iron gate. Benjamin on second thought decided that maybe Bradford would feel bad for him and help him get a better place. But what if he wanted him to move in with him? He wouldn’t be able to smoke his dope or drink until he blacked out. Benjamin buttoned his shirt and grabbed his hat and headed out the door. By the time he reached Frank’s, he was already ten minutes late for work. “Hey, Clark.”
“Hey Benjamin, man, you missed it last night.”
“Why’s that?”
“Just saw your girl, Marcie getting in her car to leave, you just missed her. She was at the hotel all night with some creepy salesman she met at the bar.”
Benjamin’s heart sank. He knew he pushed her away, but he didn’t want anyone else touching her. Didn’t she know she belonged to him? “Oh well, she’s a big girl. I guess she got what she was looking for.”
“She was looking f
or you man, but then she started talking some crazy crap about you being engaged and having a wreck and killing your fiancé? I don’t know where she got such crazy ideas? Whatever you were feeding her Benjamin, she believed it all. I told her it all was a crock of crap. Sorry dude, but I was caught off guard. Then she started ordering shots, one right after another. I didn’t know what she was talking about or I would have played along and kept it cool, you know the story you fed her to cover your butt? But before I figured out what was up, I’d already told her the truth. Dude, she was so drunk, she was slurring.”
Ben felt bad suddenly at how his pride and fear had caused him to destroy their relationship. If I had told her the truth right off, none of this would have ever happened, he thought. But it was too late now. She would never forgive him, and he wasn’t sure now if he could ever forgive her. He might have been a jerk and lied to her, but he didn’t cheat on her.
One thing he hated was a woman who cheated. He could handle just about anything else. He once dated a chick addicted to cocaine. She stole all his money, which wasn’t much, but he still forgave her. He knew a little about addiction. But once she got so bad she was willing to sell her body for a fix, Benjamin was out of there. He liked his weed, it kept him mellow, and drinking was something that calmed his nerves, but he rarely messed with the other stuff.
He decided to dismiss Marcie and begin his new life with Bradford, possibly get a clean slate and maybe a fresh start. Benjamin knew that ever since the accident he had been merely existing. He tried to think back to a time in his life when he was living, but suddenly realized his whole life had been his trying to survive, either trying to survive the verbal and physical abuse of his father that raised him, or trying to survive watching his mother deteriorate from cancer. The last survival attempt had left someone dead, and he had been dead since the day he took another man’s life.
Purifying Water
Chapter 63
Desiree decided to call Bradford. The situation was overwhelming, and she wanted to share Josh’s story, but first she needed to make things right. The guilt of how things had gone down at the restaurant was building, and she wanted him to understand her shock and anger. There was no way to know how it would all end, but she needed closure. They had worked together for a long time now and they had always respected each other. She picked up the phone and dialed his number nervously.
“Hello.”
“Hey Bradford, it’s me.” “How are you doing today?”
“Hey, I’m okay, what about you, Des?”
She hated that he had used the nickname he’d given her because it only made her miss him more. “I just wanted to call and say I’m sorry for my actions and the way I exploded last night. I was so shocked to see Benjamin there and everything was happening so quickly, I just blew up. Can you ever forgive me?”
There was silence for a moment and then Bradford said, “Desiree, the question is can you ever forgive my son?” Again a long pause and then Bradford continued. “Desiree, you’ve been holding this bitter unforgiveness inside for so long that it’s making you sick and affecting your children. I don’t think you’re even aware of how much it controls you. Of course I forgive you, I care about you, no matter what you decide, but I think if you ever want to have any feeling of freedom, you’re going to have to take a step towards forgiving him. Even if Benjamin wasn’t my son and I had no feelings for him at all, I would still tell you what I’m telling you right now.”
“I know you’re right, Bradford. I know everything you and my grandmom are telling me is for my own benefit and I want to have freedom, but I don’t know if I’m there yet.”
“Can I take you for a drive this evening? I want to show you something?”
“Right now, Bradford?”
“If you can arrange it.”
“Well, I just picked up the children from grandmom’s and was making them dinner, but I could call a sitter.”
“It’s important to me and I think it might change how you see things.”
Desiree knew in her heart that she just really wanted to be with him. She had just let down a mountain of walls and was starting to like herself again and had just started thinking that she was worthy of a good man like Bradford and now what? Being in the same room as his son was something she wasn’t sure she could do. No, that would be too much for her. Desiree thought about how she would choose her son over Bradford any day, and that too made her heart sink.
“I’ll pick you up then, say in about an hour?”
“Okay Bradford, I’ll see what I can do about a sitter.” Desiree hung up the phone and called a young girl that lived down the block that she had used for emergencies and was in luck. She was so tired from the bottle of wine she had drunk the night before and the restless dreams that had kept her tossing and turning that she needed a shower and a cup of coffee before he arrived. Her mind was scattered with thoughts of angels and birds and John, Benjamin, and even Bradford. She felt that she needed to separate each person and try to make sense of the havoc inside her brain. She walked to the front door and peered up at the sky that had turned an awesome pink and gold and searched for any bird upon the horizon. Then she headed to the bathroom to shower and get ready. She pulled back the shower curtain and let her clothes fall in a heap on the tile floor. The warm water sprayed over her face and she closed her eyes.
“God, what are you up to this time?” She said it as if he were there watching her, his eyes resting upon her and patiently waiting for her to let all her bitterness, self-pity, anger and hatred for Benjamin Stewart to flow down through the drain, along with the pure water that cleaned her.
Lovely Lilly
Chapter 64
Marcie walked up the porch that was adorned with white wicker furniture and an array of potted plants and hanging ferns. There was a glass vase with large sunflowers falling over the rim and just above her door were large house numbers. Each ceramic mosaic number had a bright sun or cactus painted on it that held a southwestern vibe. The front door was painted a rustic red and adorned with a large brass door knocker. Marcie raised the lever and tap, tap, tapped.
“Marcie, dear!”
“Hello, Gram’s.” Her Grandmother Lilly had pale yellow hair kissed with white. Her eyes twinkled and her voice was filled with genuine excitement, which always made Marcie feel warm inside.
“Well, hello dearest, how are you? Come in, come in. Is everything okay dear, you look a little scattered.”
“I’m okay Gram’s, just was wondering if maybe I could stay with you for a little while?”
“Marcie, you know my home is always open to you, goodness gracious.” Her arms hugged Marcie and told her to follow her to the kitchen.
Her grandma loved making healthy foods and often foods from other countries. On this particular night, she had tofu in a spicy peanut sauce with noodles and a cucumber salad with seaweed and ginger sauce. “Smells wonderful, Gram’s.” Marcie realized it had been quite a while since she’d had anything in her stomach other than alcohol and she was tired. She was tired of the drinking and the hands that she had let touch her, invade her and take from her very soul. She was tired of the bruises and the rejection that seemed to follow her. She was tired of breathing. She tried to dodge the mental clips of Steve and his vulgar comments that kept shooting through her head and desperately tried to focus on her grandmother. But there were more clips of Benjamin and then a sharp pain that seemed to shoot through her eyes and out her head.
She listened as Lilly spilled off her latest Korean recipe of kimchi and a beef and vegetable dish called bibimbop and more tales of the church social and the latest fundraiser for the needy. “That’s wonderful Gram’s, and the food sounds delicious. I can’t wait to try it.”
“Well, I sure love cooking and growing fresh herbs and vegetables. Maybe I could teach you some gardening tips while you’re here or how to cook with a wok?” She smiled at Marcie, who could only think of all the mistakes she kept making.
“Ma
rcie, what’s wrong? Is it a boyfriend that’s got you so haggard and depressed?” Marcie chewed her meal robotically and took a drink of iced tea.
Lilly looked at her young granddaughter and knew she had been given all the material things a child could ever dream of, but when it came to time and attention, affection and love, her parents were too busy living their American dream. Lilly sighed and took Marcie’s hand. “Let’s go in the sitting room and talk about it. You can bring your plate in there.”
Marcie obeyed and decided for once to confide some truth to her Gram’s and see what advice she could give her. She slinked sluggishly to the overstuffed chair and propped her feet up under her.
“Okay shoot, I’m all ears.”
“Well, it’s rather complicated.” Marcie didn’t know really where to begin. “I met a man, well, he told me he was in a bad car wreck and that he was driving and hit somebody head-on killing his fiancé. He explained that now he walked everywhere and that now he drank to forget the life that he took his love.”
“Oh dear, that is a wretched story! Oh how horrible, what a sad, sad, story.”
“Wait a minute Gram, it gets more complex. See, I fell in love with this man, but came to find out, he didn’t kill his fiancé but was driving drunk and killed a husband and father of two. He lied to me about the whole thing and he keeps pushing me away and then pulling me back.”
Lilly studied Marcie for a second and thought carefully before speaking. “You are in an unhealthy relationship that won’t get any better until the two of you get help. I say that out of love.” Marcie looked in her eyes and knew she meant what she said.
“You have felt rejected since you were a small child, and now you continue seeking out those that will hurt you the most. Marcie, you need counseling, and this young man sure could use it. He will have to live with the guilt and shame of taking another man’s life for the rest of his. He will have to learn to forgive himself. I believe that is why he lied to you. He probably thought if he told you the truth, you would never give him the time of day.” Her grandmother walked across the room and put her arms around Marcie. She held her and patted her head in silence. Marcie wished she could feel, but she had become so numb and so lifeless lately.
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