by Gail Haris
She turns around, and the guy almost looks like he’s expecting her.
I walk up to them, and he says, “Sorry, I just wiped it clean.”
I’m barely able to contain the tremor in my voice. “You did it already? We only walked a few feet.”
He holds the phone up. “I hooked it into the computer and pressed a button.”
I cross my arms and narrow my eyes at him “Pressed a button? Does that sound as lame to your ears as it does mine? Why the rush? Seriously, she just handed you the phone.”
He merely shrugs and Melissa feigns disappointment. We turn back to leave the store. I could be imagining it, but I could’ve sworn I saw out of the corner of my eye Melissa slide money to the guy when she shook his hand to thank him again for his “help.”
I stop walking and turn to face Melissa. “I’ve kept quiet because I’m trying to adjust. But this is too far. I just lost everything. My phone had photos that were important to me. I have friends and I just lost all their numbers.”
I don’t even remember Angie’s number! I never dialed a number. They were always instantly saved in my contacts.
“We can get their numbers, Sarah-”
“But not the photos! Those were memories! They meant something to me. You just wiped them away. I’ve lost my life! Do you not understand? I’ve lost-” My voice cracks and I turn away from her before she can say anything else.
She calls out to me. “Sarah! You haven’t lost your life!” She rushes up to me and takes my arm. “You’ve been returned to the life you should’ve always had. I’m sorry you lost photos that were precious to you. I thought I was helping by getting you a new phone. I’m not tech savvy and didn’t think anything about photos being on the phone. All I can do is apologize and help you reach out to your friends back in Colorado. You haven’t lost your life, sweetheart. It’s been given back to you. Make new memories. Starting now.”
“I didn’t want a new life. I was happy. I didn’t want any of this to happen.”
“You didn’t want to come back…home?” The sight of Melissa’s tears breaks through my hurt and anger.
“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it like that. I was happy when I was in a state of ignorant bliss, I guess you could say. I didn’t know I wasn’t me. Can you just go slower with me? Please. I’m trying to be who you were hoping for, but I can’t become Sarah overnight.”
Melissa pulls me into a tight hug. “I don’t want you to be anyone else but you.”
I don’t even know who that is…Or how to be me anymore…
When we get out to the car, Melissa suggests we go see a matinee before heading home. My mood is bleak so all I can offer her is a shrug. She drives to the cinema, and there are only three shows about to begin in the next twenty to thirty minutes. We choose a romantic comedy and share a big bowl of popcorn and a bag of M&Ms. While we wait for the movie to begin, I reflect on all that has happened. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the new and stylish wardrobe or the expensive smart phone, but it feels like Melissa wants to remove any trace of my former life. Unfortunately for her, I’m not like my old phone where you can just erase all my memories and contacts with the push of a button. A life doesn’t come with a reset button. I know she’s wanting to erase what happened. I get that she’s wanting us to forget it happened and pick up where we left off, me as her daughter and she as my mother.
But it did happen. Those memories still mean something to me. Cindy, Aunt Andrea, friends, everyone that I knew back home still mean something to me. It has all shaped me into the person I am now, yet she expects me to wipe it all clean overnight. Well that was not supposed to be your life, so let’s pick up where we left off and start what should have been happening all along. Cindy wasn’t really your mother so you can’t love her. But I do. I still love her and the life I had. I never texted my friends back. Now, I for sure won’t be able to. I should’ve quit wallowing and accepted their words. It’s done now. Everything is done now. I try to quit reflecting on all this and enjoy the show. After another twenty-minute struggle, I force myself to get lost in the movie, and I begin to relax.
Since the movie let out at 5:15 PM, we get takeout from a restaurant for everyone’s supper. When we get home, she tells me we can come back out to the car for the clothes later.
“Let’s go in and eat first. I’m sure everyone is waiting at the door like starving puppies.”
After we eat, I go back to the car to gather the bags of clothes. It takes two trips, but I take all my clothes up to my room and lay them on my bed. After a few minutes of hanging up all my new clothes, Melissa comes in with a black garbage bag.
She sits down on my bed next to my new clothes “I won’t make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but if you have any clothes that you don’t wear anymore…or want to make room for your new clothes…you can put some in this bag. I can bring more bags if you need them.”
Confused by her statement, I hesitantly ask, “Why would I throw away all my stuff?”
“Not throw away. Donate.”
“Do you think my clothes are not good enough?”
Melissa looks panicked and rushes, “No, no! Oh gosh, no honey! I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” She laughs and throws a hand up, “But now that you ask me that, I guess it did sound that way.” She takes my hand, “Your clothes are lovely. Truly. But-” She squeezes my hand tighter. “Can I make a suggestion and you not get upset with me?”
I can already tell I’m going to get upset. But I nod.
“I feel like this is a new start for you. I know a new outfit sometimes makes me feel like a new person. I want you to embrace your new life, and I guess in a way, I figured new clothes were kind of a fresh start. Shedding your old skin, so to say.”
I think about what she’s saying. I don’t see it that way. Honestly, I already had a lot of new clothes that I hadn’t even worn yet. However, this means more to Melissa than she’s letting on. It’s written all over her face, no matter how she tries to hide it. She wants to rid me of any remembrance of Cindy. I knew this was coming, though. That’s what I was worrying about in the theater. These are the clothes that Cindy had bought me, helped me pick out. Clothes I had worn while with her. I nod and tell her okay. I expect her to leave, but instead, she gets up and opens the bag. “This might be hard for you, so I’ll help.”
I almost have a panic attack because I thought she meant for me to do this in my own time. I kind of hoped I could keep some of my clothes and maybe not wear them in front of her. I don’t want to start slinging them in the bag like garbage. I need a moment, but Melissa wastes no time going through my room and shoving items in the bag. I want to tell her to leave, but my voice doesn’t come. How can I ask her to leave when she just spent a small fortune on me? This is her house. She’s my biological mother and now legal guardian. Feeling defeated, I slowly stand and pick up the nearest item. It’s a floral shirt that Mom—Cindy, had gotten for me. The shirt is made of a soft pink, sheer fabric with various bright colored flowers. She got it because she said it reminded her of a watercolor painting I’d done. I love it because it’s so beautiful and flowy. I lay the shirt in the black bag. It seems to swallow the vibrant, beautiful shirt into darkness. I want to cry, but I hold it in for now. Melissa and I don’t speak during the ‘clean up.’ When we are finished, she kisses me goodnight and leaves. I get in the shower and burst into tears, wishing the water could wash all of this away.
I WAKE UP BEFORE MY alarm on the Monday of my first day of school. I lay staring at my ceiling, dreading what it’ll be like at a new school. New school. New town. New clothes. New family. I even have a new name. I won’t hear Olivia Stevens. People will call me Sarah Randall. Before I get out of bed, I say a silent prayer to Cindy.
Mom. I don’t know why you did it. I can’t say I regret it. I regret you leaving me more than anything. I don’t know if I’d have forgiven you had you told me while you were alive. I guess I can’t be mad at you while I miss you so much.
I’m scared. I just wish you were here to talk me through this. Why? Why did all of this have to happen to me? Why you? Why couldn’t I have just been born yours and you not have died? We were happy. I miss you. I forgive you. I love you.
I wipe my tears and climb out of bed. Rushing to the bathroom, I dry heave a little and then turn to the sink to splash water on my face. I look up and stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t know the girl looking back at me. With shaky hands, I dry my face and hands. Then I get ready for school.
Instead of riding with Landon and Denise, Melissa insists on taking me for my first day. I pray she doesn’t take it as far as walking me to my first class. We hop in her Lexus, and I buckle up while she starts the engine. As we drive the short distance to the school, she asks, “Are you nervous?”
I nod and explain, “It’s more than simply starting a new school. I’m worried there will be a lot of attention on me. I mean, not only am I the new kid starting late in the year; I’m the new kid that was featured on Channel 6 for being kidnapped.”
Melissa pulls the car over and turns to me “You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.”
I look out the window giving a one shoulder shrug. “I have to face it eventually.” All of it. Sounding more confident than I really am, I turn to her. “People are going to whisper and ask questions anywhere I go. I’m just nervous.”
She pats me on the shoulder “I’m proud of you. If anyone takes the conversation in that direction, just redirect it. You’ll be fine. Landon will be there, too. He should be waiting at the door for you.”
We smile at each other, and she pulls the car back on the road. The car stops in front of a very beautiful historic brick school building. It’s much larger than my old school. It also seems cleaner and well maintained. Melissa leans over to give me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me luck. I take a deep breath and get out of the car only to wonder where do I even go?
I hold my backpack on one shoulder and see a group of students heading toward two big, double doors off to the far left. I decide to head in that direction. Remember, your name is Sarah Randall. Sarah. Your parents are Melissa and Richard Randall. I feel like I’m undercover or something, but nope, this is real. I walk up the steps and into the building. Although the building is old on the outside, the interior is very updated. The students seem like the same as my previous school. One can easily pick out the groups: popular, nerd, jock, hipster, etc. The school I attended before was so small that the groups overlapped. You could be a little of all the groups. I was by no means a queen bee type, but I wasn’t an outcast. Here I already feel like the outcast.
I jump when a strong arm comes around me. “Haha! Easy, Sarah! I came to see if you need help finding the office.” I nod and smile at Landon. “Let’s go, sis.”
A group of guys wearing school jackets pass us and pat him on the back. “Yo, Randall!” We keep walking and all the way down the hall, people wave and smile at Landon, especially the girls show particular enthusiasm with him. As we keep walking through the halls, more girls keep throwing flirty smiles and waves at him. I begin to wonder if Landon is a player or if he’s seeing anyone, “Do you have a girlfriend?”
He smiles and shakes his head, “Nah.”
“Well it isn’t because you can’t get one. You seem very popular.”
He squeezes me to him. “What can I say? I get along with everyone.” He leans and whispers in my ear, “There was a special someone, but they moved. I haven’t quite gotten over it.”
I give him a wistful smile. “The one that got away, huh?”
He nods and with his arm still wrapped around my shoulder, gives me a little shake. “But now we have the one that came back!” He notices the stunned expression on my face and hurries to apologize. “Sorry, bad joke…”
I wave off the comment as he continues to guide me through the crowd of students.
“So, Sis, have you always been so quiet? Were you the shy girl?”
I chuckle. “No, actually I got along with just about everyone. I wasn’t the most popular girl, but I was involved. I’m just taking it all in right now.”
“Cool.” He nods his head and stops by a glass door and holds it open for me to enter.
He leads me into the office and smiles at the lady at the desk. “Mrs. Jones, the lady with the answers. Good morning! This is my big sister, Sarah. She needs her schedule, please.”
Mrs. Jones looks at me in awe. She’s a tiny, elderly woman with glasses and puffy white hair that reminds me of the texture of cotton candy. She wears a pearl necklace, a floral button up shirt, and pale pink slacks. She slowly picks up a piece of paper and hands it to me. “Pleasure to meet you, Sarah. I am so glad you’re here.” She stresses that last part, and I pick up on her double meaning.
I take the paper and give her a smile, “Thank you.”
Landon turns us back towards the door and waves. “See ya later, Mrs. Jones! Thanks again.” He takes my paper and scans over my schedule as we walk. He gives me a nudge with his elbow. “Hey, look at this. We have sixth and seventh period together. You get to end your day with me.”
I laugh at his excitement and follow him as he walks down the hall. I reach for my schedule in his hand but he holds it up and keeps walking. “Hey, um I need that! Where are you going?”
I catch up to him, and he stops at a locker. “This is yours.” He slams his palm on the locker and announces, “Locker 286. I’m around the corner, down the hall, 355.” He looks back down at my schedule. “Okay, looks like you have Mrs. Sanders for English. She’s the second door on the right down there. Then, Mr. Barnes is all the way at the end of the hall. P.E is going to be in the next building so you might have a little trouble finding it. I’ll meet you outside Mr. Barnes’s door and walk you to P.E.”
He hands me back my schedule. I’m so glad he’s there to help me that I give him a hug. “Thank you so much, Landon. I really appreciate this.”
He gives me a quizzing look. “What’s wrong? I get you’re nervous, but it’ll be okay.”
I sigh. “Everyone knows, right? I mean… about me?”
A look of understanding comes over him. He presses his lips together and nods. A bell rings, and he gives me another hug, with a voice laced in excitement. “You’re going to be fine. Good luck, not that you’ll need it,” he winks, “and have fun.”
He releases me and points toward my next class. I wave bye and head that way. I weave through students and walk into the classroom. A woman in her mid-thirties with brown hair in a messy bun looks up at me from her desk. She smiles and stands. “You must be Sarah Randall.” She walks over to a bookshelf and pulls out a textbook. “The year has taken off to a slow start. We’re running behind, so you haven’t missed much.”
She hands me the used textbook and then picks up a red folder off her desk to give me. “Your parents called, so most of your teachers should have everything ready for you to catch up on. I don’t have assigned seats in here so have a seat anywhere.”
I hesitate because even though there may not be assigned seats, I’m sure everyone has their seats. The second bell rings, sending students flooding into the room. I know I don’t want to sit in the front with all eyes on me, so I decide to hurry and grab a seat in the back. A seat in the back is most likely someone else’s spot, but I cannot handle the idea of easily being on display. I hurry and take a seat in the very back, right corner. Mrs. Sanders smiles at me and sits back behind her desk. The room is filling up quickly, but so far, nobody heads toward me. I notice everyone does have their seats since everyone goes straight to a desk without a second thought. A group of four pretty girls walk in giggling, but they stop when they see me. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that I’ve taken one of their seats. I try to appear as casual as possible. It’s obvious which one is the leader of the group. She raises her chin and straightens her shoulders as she comes charging toward me. She’s petite with strawberry blonde hair that has a few pale blonde highlights pulled up on top of h
er head, full lips, and a small upturned nose. Her large blue eyes would be more beautiful if they weren’t overshadowed with so much eyeshadow and mascara thick enough that I can see some of the clumps from my seat. She stops in front of my desk wearing a look of distaste.
She sits her books on my desk “I’m sorry sweetie, but this seat is taken.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Mrs. Sanders told me to sit anywhere. She said there aren’t assigned seats.”
She isn’t used to taking no for an answer or people pushing back at her. It’s clear by the complete bitch face she’s giving me. She doesn’t move, merely crosses her arms and stares me down. I begin to cower under her gaze and gather my belongings. I’m just about to stand when a deep voice announces. “She can sit there.”
I stop moving immediately. I keep my eyes down and weakly say, “No. Really, it’s fine. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
A large hand lands on my shoulder and keeps me from rising another inch out of the chair. “You’re in my seat. And if I say it’s fine, then I don’t see why anyone else should have a problem.” The statement is clearly geared toward the pretty girl in front of my desk.
“Sure, you can sit there. Welcome to your first day of school,” the girl sneers, completely not okay with me sitting there. Her voice magically changes to sickly sweet. “If she’s taking your seat, then where are you going to sit?”
This guy must be her boyfriend because she’s a little too worried about his seating arrangement. He removes his hand, and I turn my eyes up. I feel the blood drain from my face.
Noah.
Noah takes the seat next to mine and puts his hands behind his head and stretches his legs “I’m taking Jeff’s seat.”
I assume the guy that takes the seat next to him is Jeff, and another guy follows taking the seat next to Jeff. The girl that was standing in front of my desk moves to sit in the desk in front of Noah. One sits in front of me, and the other two take seats in front of the guys.
