by Gail Haris
I wake up in my room. I don’t remember falling asleep in here. I jump out of my bed and run to Landon’s room. He’ll be in bed asleep. I’ll wake him up, and we’ll laugh together over that ridiculous nightmare. I swing the door open. Denise and Melissa are asleep, curled in the fetal position on his bed. Denise has mascara streaks down her face. I crumble. The tears begin to silently flow as I make my way to the bed. I crawl behind Melissa and hold her. I must have woken her because I feel her body quivering in my arms. I hold her as we wordlessly cry together. The bed still smells like him. I can almost feel him in the room. He isn’t gone. He can’t be.
WHEN I GO DOWNSTAIRS, I’M not surprised that there’s no morning breakfast.
Since I’ve lived here, there’s been breakfast on the table. Every single day. Instead, Richard and Melissa are sitting at the table discussing funeral arrangements. Trent comes into the room carrying two of Landon’s best suits.
Melissa looks up and her lip quivers. “He loved the blue. He felt it made him look like a GQ model. It did. He was so handsome,” she reaches over and squeezes Richard’s hand, “like his daddy. So, so young and handsome.”
She sucks in a deep breath and releases it slowly. Trent gives a single nod and walks away with the clothes.
“Is there anything I can do?” I whisper.
I didn’t even do much to help with Cindy’s funeral. Planning a funeral makes it real. I don’t want to deal with the reality of this. I want to crawl into a hole and pretend it never happened. Maybe I can pretend that Landon is on vacation, and I’ll see him again soon. I’ve never been extremely religious, but I find comfort knowing that one day, I’ll see him again. I just didn’t want our time apart to be so sudden. I do believe that all things happen for a reason, but I still wonder what reason there could possibly be for Landon’s death? Why would the Lord take someone so young? Landon was the most tender hearted and good person I’d ever met. Richard asks me to help Denise select photos and music for the funeral. Melissa would have the final say over everything, but we could go ahead and narrow it down for her.
I ease out of the kitchen and head back to Landon’s room to find Denise. Trent is in the room as well going through Landon’s items. He sets a pair of dress shoes next to the blue suit on the bed. He goes through the drawers and pulls out a pair of navy blue dress socks. “These match?”
Denise sniffles and nods. She’s swiping her finger through her phone. When I get closer, I see that she’s on his social media pages. “I’m trying to find his best photos. Mom will most likely make us use a professional photo, but I kind of like candid ones better.”
“We can have the professional on big display but maybe make a board with all the favorite candid ones. A collage.”
She nods. “I like that. I’m having trouble on song choices. None of the songs that he liked would be appropriate.”
Trent calls out from the closet, “He’d love that even more.”
I give a chuckle because that’s true. We go through photos, song choices, and accessories. We don’t speak to each other much. It’s an eerie silence but a little calming. I have a headache, so there isn’t the stress of having to hold up my end of the conversation, at least. I find several photos of Landon and Rachel. She was almost like my replacement while I was gone. Her, Landon and Trent were quite the trio for some time. Interesting. I set aside a photo of them as kids all dressed up for Halloween. They went as characters from Toy Story 2. Rachel is dressed as the cowgirl Jesse, Trent is Buzz Lightyear, and Landon is Woody. I missed out on all that. I missed out on all that could’ve been, as well, with Landon. I suck in a deep breath. I wanted more time with him. I want the time I missed with him. I’m owed time. Cindy robbed me of time with my family. God robbed me of time with him.
Why? Why couldn’t I have been discovered sooner? Maybe Cindy didn’t have to die for me to be discovered. Aunt Andrea could’ve realized that something was off, and that there was a girl missing that fit my description. Nobody thought it was strange that Cindy runs away and is supposedly pregnant around the time I conveniently go missing? I lost that time. I accepted it. But how am I supposed to accept it this time? He could’ve survived that fall. Luke could’ve too. But they didn’t. Why? I wipe my eyes and excuse myself. I’m getting myself worked up, and it’s not fair to Denise and Trent. I don’t want to upset them more than they already are. I can’t imagine having a lifetime of love and memories with Landon and then to lose him. At least they do have those memories and love. At least they had those shared times. He was the type of person that the amount of time didn’t matter because you fell in love with him instantly. I’m kidding myself if I think that since I had less time with him, then this might make his loss less painful. I’m just grateful for the time I was blessed with. What else can I do?
After I compose myself, I go back into the bedroom. Denise has a stack of photos. I’m surprised there are so many of me. I smile at the collage she’s putting together. Even though they had way more time with him, Denise has included me in the collage just as much. Trent tells me stories about the photos that I’m not in. I laugh despite myself, because all stories with Landon end in laughter. It’s five in the afternoon before we see Richard and Melissa again. They stand outside the door to ask if pizza will work for supper.
We all eat our pizza in silence at the kitchen table. Then, we each take our plate to the sink quietly. Before we all go to our bedrooms, Melissa reminds us to have our clothes ready for in the morning, not to leave it last minute. She gives us all a weak kiss goodnight and then scurries off with her head bowed. I go to my room and cry.
First, I cry because I miss Landon. I miss the easy comfort he offered. The laughs he could easily bring. His charming personality. If he was here, knowing I was sad, he’d hold me until I fell asleep.
Second, I cry because Luke will never get to travel the world like he wanted. I remember the conversation we had on our date and how I had liked him. He’d been sincere when he encouraged me to go paint the Grand Canyon. Isabell also lost a brother. I cry for her and his parents.
Third, I cry because I know Noah is going to leave me. My phone has dozens of missed texts and calls from him. I can’t right now. I can’t speak with him. He’s going to the military no matter how much he loves me. He’s going to travel the world. He’s going to find someone with less baggage. Someone he doesn’t share so much weird and tainted history with. Or what if while overseas he’s in combat and… no. No. My mind cannot go there even if that is the pattern my life’s been thus far. Loss. So much loss in time and loved ones.
Fourth, I cry because no matter how exhausted I am, I can’t sleep. My mind will not allow rest. The funeral is tomorrow, and all I can do is stare at my ceiling cursing fate for being so cruel. Landon and Luke were so young with bright futures, yet they’re gone.
At the funeral, Noah is sitting on the church steps. He raises up and takes my hands. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”
“I need strength.”
“I can do that. Let me be strong for you.”
“This next part I think I have to go alone.”
“You can do this. And when it’s over, I’ll be here for you.”
They give us a moment for the family to be alone with the casket. I don’t want to see Landon like this, but there’s something I must do. Each step toward the casket is painful. My chest is constricting and I feel as though I can’t catch my breath. When I finally make it, I glance at Landon’s peaceful handsome face. No matter how at peace he looks, I can’t bear to look at him.
I hold my wrist up. I take the tiny silver rabbit charm off my bracelet, and gently place it in his jacket pocket. I ignore how stiff and cold his body feels and try to focus on the soft fabric pocket.
Your white rabbit, Landon Randall. No more chasing.
The charms on my bracelet jingle. I squeeze the matching rabbit charm that I’d added last night. I squeeze it until the metal hurts my tender fingers. The pain in my fing
ers actually bring me some relief. Two strong hands and two soft, delicate hands take each of my arms. The delicate, soft ones remove my fingers from the charm. When feeling returns to my fingers I glance over wide-eyed in their direction. Denise. I look to my other side where the strong hands are. Trent.
Both Trent and Denise are standing and looking the same on either side of me. Their teary eyes and pursed lips are staring down at Landon resting. They look back to me and nod toward the pews. None of us speak. I don’t think we could even if we wanted to. I lean down and place a kiss to Landon’s cold, stiff cheek. I squeeze my eyes tightly closed trying to keep the pain and tears in, but I feel them slip through. My body shakes with silent screams. I raise up and look down and notice a tear trailing down his face. If only this was Wonderland and our world was full of magic. Could my tears bring him back?
I can’t bear to turn my back on him. So I walk backwards to the pew and take my seat between my brother and my sister.
The funeral was beautiful, but it seemed surreal. Now that I’m lying in bed, I’m forced to acknowledge that it happened. The whole day seemed as though I was somebody else watching everything play out. It wasn’t me at the funeral, and it sure wasn’t Landon in the casket. I vaguely remember Rachel singing a beautiful ballad, and Trent standing in front of everyone, speaking moving words mixed with scripture. I think he even used a verse I had suggested. I can’t remember exactly what was said or sung. I remember watching people cry, but their cries were muffled. Everything seemed as though I was outside a glass looking in. Not clear glass, either. Everything was muffled and hazy. I vaguely recall an attractive young man introducing himself as Marcus to me. But maybe I’d only wished Marcus was there because I know Landon would’ve wanted him there. The whole day was as though I was trapped in a cloud of haze. My body was there, but my mind and heart seemed as though they were detached. I can’t even make out what was or wasn’t real today. Did I even eat?
I stare at the ceiling. I’m looking but see nothing. I’m listening but hear nothing. I don’t even have a taste in my mouth or smell in the room. There’s nothing. I’m numb. All I can think about is how he’s gone. I know if I go down the hall, he won’t be there. I know in the morning, he won’t be in the kitchen. I know when I go back to school, he won’t be there. He won’t be in my classes. He won’t be at lunch. He won’t be at prom. He won’t be at graduation. He’s not going to college. He won’t finally get to be with Marcus. Landon is gone. For the first time, I understand Melissa. Except, I have nobody to blame. I guess no one really took him from me. Did Luke? If Luke hadn’t been a bully, we’d have him or would something else had happened? Did God take him? Is there anyone to blame? Does it matter since he’s not coming back? Was all this just meant to be?
Once again, in the blink of an eye, my life has changed.
The following day is Luke Jamerson’s funeral. I honestly didn’t care if I attended or not. However, the Randall family had known him since he was a toddler. I couldn’t exactly skip out on his funeral. It passed in a blur to me as well. The only time I seemed to snap out of it was when Denise went to Isabell to give her condolences, Isabell sneered. I didn’t hear what was said, but Denise walked away looking ashamed. I couldn’t muster up enough energy to check on her. The Jamersons are cruel, and Denise would be better off to avoid them anyways. My grief over Landon has me in a stupor. I noticed that Luke had a more elaborate funeral that I found to be tacky. Was this a competition as well? Who could outdo who with the funeral?
The town seemed to mourn the death of Luke more than the death of Landon. Of course, Landon was well liked. Both boys were charming and attractive. Both also came from wealthy families. Luke, however, was all that and more since he was a star athlete. He had such a bright future, “a tragic waste,” people cried. Trent, disgusted with how everyone behaved, vowed not to return to this town after this weekend. He told all of us if we want to see him, we’ll have to go to him.
Back to back funerals have left me exhausted and numb. I slowly climb the stairs to my bedroom. The house feels empty and cold. It was beginning to feel like a home, but with Landon’s absence, it feels bleak. I’m at the door to my room when I see Rachel exiting Trent’s bedroom. She looks startled to see me, but then she ducks her head and pulls a piece of her hair behind her ear as she scurries past me. Trent comes out a few seconds later, shirtless and in gym shorts. He wears a guilty expression but doesn’t say anything and doesn’t move. I rush into my room and shut the door.
THE NEXT NIGHT, I FIND Melissa in the den drinking again. At least she’s not alone this time. Richard sits with her. I hear her sobbing as she pours herself another glass of wine. I walk into the room and clear my throat to let my presence be known. She doesn’t even acknowledge me, but he looks over. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot. The smile he offers is so heartbreaking. It appears he has aged at least ten years in these past few days.
“I came to check on you,” I whisper weakly. Honestly, I don’t know why I came in here. Morbid curiosity, I guess.
Melissa gives a scoff that’s so cold, the hair on the back of my neck rises. She puts the glass to her lips. “We should be checking on you, my dear. We are the parents.” She takes a drink and slams the glass down. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and sighs. “It’s a parent’s job to tend to their children. To protect them. I,” she places her hand over her heart, “I…I should receive the award for best mother any day now.”
Richard shakes his head and whispers, “Melissa, please.”
He squeezes his eyes shut and bows his head, but she continues, “Why not, Richard? I’ve had one child go missing and buried the other? I’ve managed to have my daughter kidnapped in my own home. I have buried my son. My handsome, vivacious, outgoing Landon. He could light a room up as soon as he entered it.”
She says more, but I can’t understand her at this point. She’s sobbing so heavily, and her words are jumbled and slurred. She sucks in a deep breath and regains enough control to pour another glass. “I get one child back, only to have another one taken from me, permanently. There’ll be no surprise phone call. There’ll be no day that we walk out the front door to find him.” She lifts the glass to her lips and asks into it, “Will there, Richard?”
He shakes his bowed head and softly cries, “No.”
She takes a drink and then looks disgusted at him and repeats, “No.”
Melissa fixes her eyes on me. She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I feel extremely uneasy and decide I should go back to my room.
“Sarah.” She stands and comes over to me.
She embraces me in a hug. The minutes pass, and she’s still holding me firmly. Finally, she pulls away and pets my hair and the side of my face. I can tell she’s about to break down crying again, which makes me want to cry.
“Go to sleep, honey. Get some rest. It’s a school night,” is all she says and turns her back on me.
I hurry back to my room and lock the door. I want Landon back. I want to lay next to him and talk about chasing white rabbits. I want Noah. If I ran to him right now, I know everything would be okay. Until it’s not. Because eventually, I’ll lose him as well. He’s called every day to check on me. He’s brought me food and tried to get me to leave the house other than to go to school. But, I can’t. I want him to stop. To stop being so damn perfect because it’s only going to hurt worse when I lose him. I dive into my bed and cry. I feel as though I’m going to cry until my body breaks. My chest hurts and I begin dry heaving. I feel sore and sick. I’m breaking. My mind and body are breaking with each tear.
When I pull into the school parking lot, Noah is leaning against the building in front of my parking spot. He pushes himself off the wall as I get out of the car.
“Sarah…”
“Don’t, Noah.”
“What have I done?” He steps in front of me blocking my path.
“Nothing.” I grit my teeth.
“What’s going on?” He holds my elbow
, preventing me from side stepping him.
“I can’t lose another person. I can’t go through something like this again. Don’t you understand? I’m breaking. All of this is breaking me. I won’t survive another loss.”
He gently places his hands on my shoulders. “You’re the only one that decides if you lose me or not. I made you a promise that I wouldn’t leave you no matter what life threw at us. I keep my promises.” I glare at him. I’m too hurt and angry. I’m bitter at what life’s been throwing at me. He honestly expects me to believe he can keep that promise? His jaw ticks as he purses his lips and narrows his eyes. He drops his hands and takes a step back from me. “I guess I should’ve asked you to promise the same thing.”
I don’t answer. I duck my head and sidestep him. I march forward to the entrance of the school.
I go to my classes and want to cry when I spot the empty chairs that were Landon’s. Nobody will sit in them. They also won’t sit in his spot in the cafeteria. His track jersey is hung up in the gym. This Friday everyone has agreed to wear black button ups and sunglasses or black cocktail dresses in honor of Landon’s stylish fashion. A bench and tree are being placed by the track field.
But as the weeks go by, school, along with everyone there, seems to slowly move forward, leaving me rooted in a depressed hole. The only other person at school that seems as affected by Landon’s absence is Rachel. She has lost her best friend, and after seeing all the photos from their history, a brother. She attaches herself more to me with the loss of Landon. We both agree that our usual table at lunch is too difficult to keep using, so we find a new one. A few of our friends join us at the new table, but most remain at the old one. Noah, Keaton, Emily, Tara and Jeff join us at our new table.
