by Casey, Ember
In spite of everything that’s happened these last few days, I can’t help but feel a sense of peace right now, spread out like this next to her, naked and glistening with sweat. My chest is still heaving slightly, and I can feel the rapid flutter of her pulse where her wrist presses against mine. Right now, everything in the world is perfect. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this.
But it’s as if that thought sets something off in my brain. I have felt like this, long ago. On the other side of the night that I’ve spent years trying to forget.
It’ll never go away, my mind whispers. No matter how much you try to forget it. The memory will always be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to come back and bite you in the ass at the worst possible moment.
My hand must tighten on Sophia’s, because she tilts her head toward me, and even in her silence I sense the question.
Fuck it. Fuck all of it. I’m cursed, and I’ll always be cursed, and this thing with Sophia is just a reminder of that.
I release her hand, sitting up. I can’t deal with the feeling of her eyes on me, not right now.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say casually, reaching down to the floor and grabbing my clothes. “Just thinking we should probably go check on your dad. Which way is the bathroom?”
“Over there.”
I head over to the door she indicated, not letting myself look back at her. I love her—more than she could ever possibly know—and the deeper I get myself into this, the more all the dark shit inside my head struggles up to the surface. I can’t walk away from Sophia, even if I wanted to, but I’m also not sure how much more I can deal with this shit in my head, either.
I close the bathroom door behind me and take a deep breath. I don’t know what to do, but one thing is becoming clearer with every passing day—I’m not going to be able to hold this in forever. And when it finally breaks free, I’m fucked.
Sophia
As I dress, I’m overwhelmed with the sensation that I’ve done something wrong.
Pax is in the bathroom for far too long. When he finally comes out, he walks toward the sitting room without making eye contact. “We should go and check on your dad.”
I follow him into the other room. “I’m certain someone will notify us if there is any change.” I watch him for a moment. “Is anything wrong?”
“Nope.” He studies the wallpaper near the door, still not looking at me. “Just a little stir crazy.”
“Ah.” I walk over to stand beside him, pretending to find the décor as fascinating as he does. I smile over at him. “Fan of interior design, are you?”
“What?” He turns to me, his brow furrowed. “Oh. No.” He presses his lips in a line. “This is all just a little…stifling.”
“My suite?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Just…all of it. You know, the whole royal thing. I guess I really hadn’t thought about it. It’s a little…much.”
“I can see how it might be overwhelming. But I promise, my family is just a family.” I take his hand in mine. “And they’ll accept you once they understand I’m not going to let you go.”
He gives me a half-smile. “I’m not so sure about that.”
“Well, they have no choice in the matter. I’ve already made my decision, Pax. We’re married. They’ll get over it eventually.”
He stares down at me before he lifts my hand to his lips. “We’ll figure something out. But we probably should go and see how your dad is doing.”
I suppose he’s right. But as worried as I am about my father, I don’t really want to face my family. I’m not sure I can handle seeing the blame in their eyes. I can’t deal with the knowledge that I probably caused whatever happened this time by telling my father about my marriage.
Pax and I leave my room, and I lead him down the corridor toward the other side of the palace where the physicians’ suite is located.
We walk slowly, and Pax gazes at everything we pass with a look of wonder in his eyes. He finally looks down at me. “How many rooms are in this place?”
“Officially or unofficially?”
“There are unofficial rooms?” He grins. “How do you have unofficial rooms?”
“Oh, there are secret rooms all over the place. Hidden tunnels and corridors. It’s really hard to say how many rooms there are in total.”
“God, you must have had an amazing time as a kid. Hidden tunnels? It’s like something from the movies.”
“I suppose they were built for times of war. You’d need a way to escape if the palace was seized or something.” I shrug, smiling up at him. “But yes, I did have an amazing childhood. My brothers and I spent many hours trying to find new secret locations.”
“I can’t even imagine.” He shakes his head. “It would be a great place to grow up.”
I smile. It was a great place to grow up, and I’d love for my own children to live here.
The thought makes my stomach clench—if my family can’t see fit to accept Pax, there’s no way they’ll allow us to raise a family here.
We finally make our way back to the medical suite, and my family is gathered in the waiting area. Nicholas stands when I enter, his gaze burning into mine. I’m sure he’s ready to kill me now that he knows what I’ve done. Victoria stands with her arm looped through Andrew’s, and Leopold sits next to his wife, Elle.
Andrew glares over at me, but says nothing.
My brother Leopold stands and walks over to me, hugging me tightly. “I understand congratulations are in order.”
Andrew growls audibly.
Leo releases me, his arm still resting across my back as he rolls his eyes in the direction of our eldest brother. “Ignore him. He apparently impaled himself when he sat forcefully upon a branch this morning.”
Pax snickers. “I think he means you have a stick up your ass, pal.”
Andrew glares at him but still says nothing.
Leo squeezes my shoulder. “I like him.” He grins over at Pax as he takes his arm from me and extends it to my husband. “I’m Leopold. Call me Leo.”
My eyes widen. “I’m so sorry. Where are my manners? Pax, this is Leo and his wife, Elle.”
They all shake hands, and Pax comes over to stand beside me, sliding an arm around my waist.
“Is there any news?” I look between my brothers. “Is Mother with him?”
Leo nods. “We haven’t heard anything in a while. The last thing they told us was that they were trying to decide if he needs another surgery or if they’re even going to move him to the hospital this time.”
“And if any of that is the case, we’ll mobilize.” Andrew stands, looking between my siblings but ignoring me. “Leopold will head to the Senate. I’ll make a statement to the media. And Nicholas will accompany Mother.” He lets out a long breath. “Everything is under control.” He nods, almost to himself. “Everything will be handled as efficiently as it always is.”
“What about me?” I look at Andrew, then over at Leo. “What do you need me to do?”
Andrew acts as though I haven’t even spoken. “Regardless of whether or not Father goes to the hospital, we should begin drafting a statement. Putting our populace at ease should be the first order of business.”
“What would you like me to do, Andrew?” I cock my head at him. “I can—”
“You’ve done quite enough, Sophia.” He glares at me. “Quite enough.”
“You’re still blaming me for this?” I motion with my hand toward where my parents must be in the other room. “As I recall, Father’s heart condition started when you—”
“It’s really no one’s fault, is it?” Nicholas rises, walking toward us. The kindness in his eyes is a little surprising after the cold glare he gave me earlier. “You can’t honestly blame our sister for our father’s condition.”
“I can do anything I like.” Andrew turns his glare to Nick. “And I can blame anyone I like for anything I damn well want to.”
; “Jesus, you do have a stick up your ass.” Pax rolls his eyes to the ceiling. “And…entitled much? You can do anything you damn well want to—because, what? You happened to be born first in your family?” He shrugs. “I was born first in my family. And if I treated my sisters they way you’re treating yours, I think they might string me up by my balls.”
Leo and Nick both stare at him, their mouths hanging open slightly.
Andrew takes a single step toward my husband, and Pax drops his arm from my waist, his hands balling into fists at his side.
My brother takes another step toward him. “You will never speak to me again.”
“Or what?” Pax takes a half-step toward my brother. “If you’re threatening me—”
Leo steps between them, interrupting the showdown. “I think this isn’t really the time or place.”
Pax grins as Andrew glares at him over Leo’s shoulder. “Your brother is a lot smarter than you, too, Andy. Shame he wasn’t born first.”
I can see the rage building behind Andrew’s eyes, and I take Pax’s hand into mine. I look up at him. “Please, Pax.” I shake my head. “Not here.”
My words must snap him from whatever it is going on in his head. “Sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.” He stares over at Andrew for another long moment. “But Andy and I will have words later. Won’t we, Andy?”
“Call me Andy again, and I’ll have your tongue cut out.”
“Aww. You’ll have it cut out? You can’t even do it yourself?” Pax grins at him, taunting him. “But if you did that to everyone who didn’t like you, who would you have to lick your boots?”
“Enough.” I squeeze his hand. “Please.”
“You’re right, you’re right.” He squeezes my hand, but his glare never leaves my brother. “It’s too easy. Not even a challenge.”
Andrew begins to charge toward him, shoving Leo out of his way. “I will kill you, you little bastard—”
“Children.” My mother’s voice cuts through the room, making everything come to a standstill.
Her eyes are red, and her cheeks are streaked with tears. “Forgive me for interrupting whatever it is that’s going on here, but I have some news.”
Pax
One look at the queen’s face and I’m immediately filled with shame. All the fight drains out of me. Sophia’s oldest brother might be an asshole, but I suddenly feel like a jerk for goading him at a time like this.
Sophia is squeezing my hand so tight she’s cutting off the circulation. Everyone is dead silent, waiting for the queen to go on. She regards us with all the presence and grace she displayed over tea, even though she’s obviously barely holding herself together.
“They’re transferring him to the hospital,” she says. “He’s stable for the moment, but they’ve warned me that his condition could change at any time.”
Everyone remains silent as this information sinks in. Sophia’s nails are digging into my skin.
And then Andrew steps forward, going to his mother’s side. He places a hand on her shoulder, turning her back toward the room where the king is.
“Go with him,” he tells her. “I’ll oversee everything here at the palace. Leopold is already prepared to address the Senate, and I’m having a statement drafted for the media.”
The queen nods, letting him guide her away. The rest of us are left in silence. Everyone looks stunned.
I turn to Sophia, pulling her toward me. She falls against my chest, but she’s stiff, like she’s having trouble moving. I wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on the top of her head, against her soft hair.
“What can I do?” I say to the others over her head. “What can we do?”
This time, no one tries to tell us that we’ve already done enough. It’s Victoria who speaks.
“The news of your wedding is set to break tomorrow,” she says. “We need to prepare a statement for when the story goes public, especially in light of the events here.”
“There’s nothing we can do here? To help with this?” I ask. As much as I know we need to deal with the wedding thing, this seems a little more important at the moment.
“You can stay out of Andrew’s way,” Leo says. “As much as I love watching him get his ass handed to him by an American…”
“Done,” I say, though I know I’m going to have a hard time sticking to that promise if Ol’ Andy starts attacking Sophia or me again. “Anything else?”
“Just try to stay out of trouble for the next few days, if you think you can manage it.” That’s Ol’ Nicky, who looks paler than usual. His father’s condition is hitting him as hard as everyone else, and in spite of what a pain in the ass he’s been to me, I feel for the guy. I feel for all of them, which is why I wish they’d give me something to do other than stay out of the way.
But everyone is already dispersing, running off to do what they’ve been told. Victoria tells us she’ll come find us later and goes off in the same direction Andrew disappeared a few minutes ago. Suddenly Sophia and I are the only ones in the hallway.
I look down at her, and she lifts her head to look at me. Her cheeks are dry, but there’s a gleam in her eyes that makes me think she’s holding back tears. My stomach clenches. I hate it when women cry—I never know quite what to do. It was bad enough when it’s one of my sisters, but when it’s the woman I love…
“This is my fault,” she whispers. “My father might die, and it’s all my fault.”
“If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine,” I tell her. “But at the end of the day, what were we supposed to do? Refuse to live our lives because our choices might upset someone else? That’s not a way to live. We can’t control how other people react to us, Sophia. We can only make choices based on what we feel is right in our hearts.”
Her eyes search mine. “That’s somehow both the most insensitive and most romantic thing you could have said to me right now.”
“Insensitive but romantic. That sounds about right for me.”
A smile flashes across her lips briefly, then disappears again.
“Come on,” I tell her. “Let’s go back to your suite. We have to meet Victoria in a couple of hours, which gives us some time to rest. When was the last time you slept?”
“I can’t remember.”
“Exactly.” I turn and guide her down the hallway. I might not have much to do, but I can help in this small way—by offering Sophia whatever support she needs. Because despite the way I joked it off, I know, deep down, that this is my fault.
And I’m going to do whatever I can to fix it.
* * *
When our meeting with Victoria rolls around, I’m not really in the mood to talk about PR strategies, but at least it gives us something to do while we wait for news. Keeping Sophia busy is probably the best thing I can do for her.
The meeting is in what I’m told is called the “Summer Parlor,” whatever the fuck that is. Is there a Winter Parlor, too? And Spring and Fall ones? I’m not even sure why someone needs a “parlor” at all, let alone multiple parlors, but I guess when you have a house this big you need to make up silly names for all the rooms. I’m impressed that more people don’t get lost in this place.
When we arrive, I’m shocked to see that not only is Victoria here, but Andrew, too. I’m pretty sure I stiffen at the sight of him, because Sophia squeezes my hand and shoots me a side-eyed look that I interpret as a warning to behave. Ol’ Andy puffs up his chest, glaring at me as we walk across the room.
“Any news?” Sophia asks her brother, breaking the tension.
Andrew shakes his head. “He’s still stable, but we don’t know any more than that right now. I’ve decided to hold off on addressing our people until we know more.” His gaze returns to me. “Which is what I’d like to talk to you about.”
“We’ll help however we can,” I say. “Just say the word.”
“Andrew and I have been discussing it,” Victoria says, “and we think it would be best for the two of you to return to the U.S. and contin
ue on as if this never happened.”
“What?” both Sophia and I say in unison.
“The marriage news is going to break,” she explains. “We’ll have to address that either way. But as long as the king’s condition is unclear…” She glances up at Andrew. “We decided that making any public announcements about the king’s condition at this point would just complicate things. At best, it would cause great public concern—and we have no way of settling those fears until we know more about what’s going on. At worst, it would cause panic, Montovia’s economy would struggle—”
“And we’re still recovering from that business with Rosvalia,” Andrew cuts in.
“So for the time being, we’ve decided to keep his condition private,” Victoria says. “And that means the best thing is for the two of you to return to the U.S. and to Pax’s tour. Even if news of the king’s health problems leaks, there’s enough publicity swirling around the pair of you to be a distraction. We’re going to use that to our advantage.”
“We can’t just leave,” Sophia says.
“I won’t force you,” Andrew replies. “But Victoria and I both agree that it’s the best choice right now. We’ve booked you on a flight that leaves in three hours, if you agree. Victoria will go with you.”
Sophia looks torn. I squeeze her hand. “I’ll do whatever you want to do, Sophia.”
She’s still looking at her brother. “What if Father…gets worse?”
“If his condition declines, you’ll be notified immediately,” Andrew says. “And brought home, if needed.”
“I’m not exactly happy about leaving, either,” Victoria says, and from the way she looks at Andrew as she says it, I’m thinking it’s not herself she’s worried about. “But it’s what’s best for Montovia.”
Sophia is quiet for a while, then finally looks up at me.
“Let’s go back to America.”
Sophia
