“Truly” as in“this truly changed my life.” Have you been lying to me the rest of the time?Only this is true? Same goes for “honestly.”
Weak verbs. Use the following sparingly: is, was, are, were, have been, been, to be, etc. In revisions, you’ll probably have to change around the structure of the sentence to use a more powerful verb, but you won’t regret it, and neither will your reader.
First-world problems.There are kids applying who are dumpster-diving to eat, or who have survived war. Their essays may be read before and/or after yours. Keep that in mind when you talk about the horror of being cut from the soccer team.
Hyperbole. Was going fishing really the greatest day mankind has ever known? Did you really feel like the people you met were going to be your best friends for life after an hour? Was it the most spectacular sunset known to mankind? Really? Any use of the superlative (best, most, etc.) should be used with extreme caution.
Oversharing out of context. While I do love to see someone who has wrestled with something personal and challenging, I want to see the wrestling. Each year I receive essays where students are very candid, but sometimes I can’t figure out why I’m being told the story. Often they’ll use the essay to complain about how they were given a lousy hand in life. Sometimes it’s even true, but remember that this is an admissions essay. We need to see HOW the event has shaped you or been an obstacle that you are working to overcome.
After ten years of reading personal statements, here is what I haven’t seen enough of…
What you’re thinking along the way. Twenty people will see the same event, but not one of them will process it exactly the same way. Pepper the event with these observations.In the revision process, strive to make them more specific each time, and attemptto make them sound like you. If you are a very sincere humanitarian, the things you notice, how you process them, and the words you use to convey them will take on a very different voice than if you are a sarcastic budding businessman.
Smells. It’s an under-used sense. A quick way to make a scene more memorable is to provide an incredibly specific smell that is unique to that situation. Be warned, though, that one good smell goes a long way.
More specific imagery.If you are going to describe your room, I want 2-3 details that sum up the vibe of how you have chosen to decorate your living space. In that short sentence,you can tell me a lot about who you are. Are you the kind of person who has an alphabetized collection of 70’s rock vinyl, four pairs of customized Nike sneakers, and a poster of Martin Luther King Jr. (20 words)? Do you have all white walls with no posters to clutter up the room, an open window to let the smell of jasmine, and a pair of flip-flops by the door (30 words)? It often takes the same number of words to bore me telling me the tone of your room as it does for you to show it to me.
Varied syntax. Change up your sentence lengths and styles. Please use a compound-complex sentence to detail the horror of cleaning out the popcorn machine at work, and then punctuate that lengthy butter-slimed description with a quick bite of a sentence like, “I don't eat much popcorn anymore.”
Evidence of Revision. Many of the best essays in this collection were revised easily more than a dozen times. I had a few students who would come to me each day with a new version, and we would cut away anything vague, pump up the verbs, consider what a single action really meant, take every image and make it more and more specific. A first or second draft essay almost never catches my attention after reading so many thousand.
Sincerity. Show Who you are in a positive light, but show who you really are. Carefully Consider the question you've been asked for a while before you begin to write.Think a lot about the "how's" of the question. If you don't come up with several new realizations in that process, you may not be giving it enough time. It's tough to know who you are at seventeen. We know that. But my most memorable essays are ones where there is evidence of a fair amount of sincere reflection.
500 Words or Less Page 9
