One more.
I wait for her reply to the text, and this time, the photo arrives with a message.
It's a photo of a crystal heart, silver with the crystal a light, baby pink. It's a butt plug. My heart fucking clenches as I read the words attached to the photo, imagining her sending this to other people, not giving a damn about me anymore.
Want to see it inside me?
I fight with my own conscience before replying, even though I already know there's no way in fucking hell I'm turning this down. I'm like an addict looking for his next hit – desperate for just one more glimpse into her life.
Yes.
That'll be a grand, please.
I grin to myself. She's a good negotiator, my Willa. I send the money through the app but she doesn't reply. The thought of what she's doing now drives me crazy and I pour myself another drink, leaning my forehead against the window in my office.
I know I made the right decision for both of us by breaking things off with Willa.
Watching me have a baby with a woman she hates would have wrecked my girl. And I couldn't bear tying her down to me in that situation. She deserves so much more and so much better.
And yet not having Willa at the touch of my fingertips is enough to drive me insane. I've accepted tonight I won't be able to stay away from her for good. It's just impossible. While I know me clinging on is selfish as fuck, I also know I can't force myself to break off all contact.
Willa needs someone on her side, especially if she's left for New York. I assume things aren't good with her parents, and I know when she's own her own, she sometimes doesn't make the best decisions. That's how I justify staying in touch, even though I know deep down I'm being a selfish, possessive bastard who just can't stay away.
The last photo finally arrives. Her face isn't visible in it – she's lying on a bed holding her legs up, the crystal plug glittering in her tight little ass.
I groan, bringing my cock out again. I can't fight these feelings for her. Even though I've committed to being there for Elise, she can't stop me from wanting Willa.
I already know I won't be able to touch another woman. And if I'm not able to get my dick drained, I guess I'll have to do it myself. As long as I don't blow my cover with Willa, things should be fine... at least for now.
With a groan, I palm my cock and feel it harden between my fingers, eager for a release. I haven't come since the last time with Willa, which feels like a lifetime ago. But I can't stop now – I need this release, need to dedicate this to the memory of the woman who made my heart skip a beat for her. My trouble.
My eyes remain glued to the photo as I jerk off, going faster and faster as I remember all the beautiful memories I made with Willa. Holding her, making her hot chocolate, feeling her skin for the first time. The absolute addiction I already felt after meeting her for the first time, when we couldn't be together yet.
This kind of connection is once in a lifetime. I know I'll never have anything like it again. But that's okay, because experiencing it once is better than never having it at all.
I come with a groan, spilling my pent-up load all over my fist and thinking of Willa the whole time. I don't think any other woman could make me come at this point. I'm too hooked on the girl I can never have again.
After I clean up, I take a deep breath. Tomorrow, I have to go baby shopping with Elise and I'm fucking dreading it. But I need to be the father I never had. I can't make the same mistakes that my dad made, ruining my childhood. I need to do better.
But I've realized now doing the right thing isn't quite so simple.
I know I won't be able to resist messaging Willa again. And I tell myself that's okay. Far as she knows, I'm TyrantDaddy, not the man who left her heart in tatters at her feet. And I'm going to keep it that way for ever.
Just because my life is ruined doesn't mean Willa's needs to be, too. She has decades of happiness in front of her, and I'm going to make sure she's taken care of and provided for.
Even if it fucking breaks my heart.
After all, I deserve it – and worse.
Chapter 21
Willa
1 month later
New York was supposed to be good for us. I thought it would be a fresh start, a way for me and Mercy to reconnect. Instead, it's turned into anything but.
Only two weeks after arriving in New York, Scott tracked us down in Theo's apartment. Though Mercy denies giving him our address, I don't believe her. She's so hooked on that boy, she can't see straight.
Scott moved in within the day. I didn't mind that much at first, but his presence is driving me up the wall now. He's quickly gotten into selling drugs in the city, and while that means we have enough money, there are still shady people in his past that want to hurt us.
I brought up Scott's debt once and he lost his shit with me, which made me reconsider asking again. But I can tell Mercy is worried, as much as she tries to hide it from both of us.
Tomorrow is my first day at Parsons. As I walk home from the grocery store, I think about how life has turned out for me.
At least I'm going to the school I've always dreamed of attending. But the pain of not having Raphael next to me hasn't faded in the slightest.
The worst part is, even though he was clear about wanting to end things with me, I still blame myself. Every day, I wonder what I could have done differently to keep him at my side. And every day, I come up empty. The bottom line is, he didn't want me next to him. He was infatuated by the idea of me, but when it came down to us being together, Raphael didn't want it, and I'll just have to get over that.
Eventually.
Not today.
Today, I'll let myself fantasize about a world where we're still together, and maybe that will make the day easier to get through.
A faint smile plays on my lips as I get into the elevator of our building. A neighbor sees me exit and throws me a nasty look. Since Scott has come to live with us, we haven't been exactly popular with the neighbors. But I can't exactly kick him out – I'm pretty sure he would refuse to leave. And Mercy would hate me. She's attached to the hip to the guy.
I'm grateful Theo was kind enough to let us stay here, but what he told me about Nox has hit me fucking hard. I can't believe Nox killed Dove's brother. And through it all, she stayed with him. What kind of naive person does that? She should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.
My image of the perfect family I used to have has been effectively ruined, and I don't think I'll ever see Dove and Nox in the same light.
I got a new phone number when we moved here and never looked back. I don't want anybody being able to contact me, because I know just how badly it will hurt when Raphael doesn't call. But that also meant cutting off all contact with my family, which still fills me with a deep, gut-searing guilt.
I miss the boys. I miss Dove's kind gentleness. I miss Nox's quiet determination. But they lied to me. And I can never be a part of their family again.
I unlock the apartment and walk into chaos. Groaning, I start unloading groceries as I realize Scott must've thrown a party at our place. There must be two dozen people in the two-bedroom apartment. I quickly push past them on my way to my bedroom, not intending on participating at all. I have an early start tomorrow, I have to be up bright and early for school.
But Mercy blocks my path, grinning widely as she throws her arms around my shoulders.
"Mercy," I groan. "What's happening here? You know I start tomorrow, I need to get some rest."
"No," she drawls out, caging my face between her palms. "Come party with us, Willa."
"I can't." I try to shake her off when I see just how dilated her pupils are. "Fuck, Mercy. Did you take something?"
"Only the best thing in the world."
She pulls out a plastic baggy with several pills in it. I feel shivers running down my spine as she places two pills on her tongue and winks at me.
"Want some?"
"No, I –"
I don't
get to finish my sentence. Mercy leans over and kisses me deeply to the sound of cheers from our guests in the background.
We haven't kissed in a long time. It's been months since we did it last, months since the last party I've been too. I reluctantly let Mercy slip the pill into my mouth and as she pulls back, it dissolves on my tongue, leaving me dizzy.
"Fuck," I mutter while she laughs.
"Come on, Wills." She tugs on my arm. "Try to have some fun with us. I feel like I'm losing you."
Guilt sets in and I realize she's right. I've been pulling away, not just from Mercy but from everyone. I've become a loner. After Raphael hurt me, I've been so determined not to let anybody else do the same thing, I've totally closed myself off.
Suppressing a sigh, I nod and she claps her hands together with excitement. I follow her into the living room where there are even more people milling about. Scott pulls Mercy onto his lap and I groan, instantly regretting taking that stupid pill. I'm on my own now, my so-called best friend has already forgotten all about me, she's focused on her boyfriend once again.
I sink into an armchair and absentmindedly toy with the loose threads on the hem of my skirt. But in mere minutes, the effect from that awful pill kicks in.
The room spins before me and I see stars. I feel like I have motion sickness but all I can do about it is laugh and laugh some more. I don't know if somebody is telling a joke, but I can't stop giggling. I'm getting hot, too, and I slip my cardigan off, wishing I could get naked.
It takes an hour for the giggling to wear off and the minutes drip by slowly like molasses. Once I trust myself to walk again, I pick myself up and walk to my bedroom only to find two people I don't know fucking on my bed.
Groaning, I try Mercy and Scott's bedroom, but it's locked.
I'm panicking now. My head hurts, my heartbeat's going crazy, and I feel sick. I desperately need to lie down, but there's nowhere to do it here. The apartment is filled to the brim.
I force myself not to think about calling Raphael for help. Thankfully I deleted his number.
Instead, I head to the kitchen and splash cold water on my face. I groan at the feeling. Everything from my eyes to my lips to my skin burns. I want to crawl out of my own body.
Things get even worse after that. The apartment fills with more people and my dizziness and confusion get worse and worse.
The paranoia sets in a couple of hours after, but it only lasts a while before being replaced with a needy feeling of wanting to come.
I can't help but think of Raphael as my fingers wander down my sweat-soaked shirt. I pinch my nipples, making them stand on end as I imagine him being here with me. I long to call him Daddy again. To feel him holding me while his cock bottoms out inside me.
I can't resist sliding my hand under the waistband of my skirt. I push my panties to the side and gently pinch my clit, making myself moan. My thoughts fill with memories of him and tears slide down my cheeks as I start to get off.
"Jesus Christ, Willa, you little slut."
I look up to find Scott standing above me with a hungry expression. Suddenly reality comes crashing back. I'm not alone. I'm in a room with two dozen other people and they all just saw me playing with myself. A camera flash goes off and I groan.
"You're a fucking mess," Scott informs me as I pick myself up on unsteady feet. Those drugs really fucked with me, and Mercy's nowhere to be seen.
Pushing past her boyfriend, I force myself to walk back into my bedroom. Luckily there's no one here now, though two used condoms lie on the floor, reminding me of what happened in here earlier.
But I can't deal with that right now. I'm so fucking dizzy. I just need to lie down.
Guiltily, I notice the sun rising outside, and tell myself I'll only lie down for a second. I crawl into the bed ignoring the wet marks on the duvet and cover myself up. Tears slide down my cheeks as everything I've worked years to forget comes back to haunt me.
Good girl.
Such a good girl, Willa.
I sob without any tears falling, remembering my stepfather and what he did to me. I try to replace the bad memories with Raphael but they only make me sadder. He's gone now. He doesn't give a damn about me. He's a part of my past, and I'm on my own now. It was my choice to leave, come here, go to school. I'll just have to get through it.
All I know is, I'm never doing drugs again.
"Wills? We're going to grab a bite to eat, you want to come?"
I groan, pulling the duvet up higher over my head. I have a splitting headache and it takes me a few moments to realize where I am and that the voice I just heard belongs to Mercy.
The reality of everything that happened this past month hits me like a freight train. I whimper, pulling myself up in the bed. It's dark outside.
"You've slept all day," Mercy says, sitting down on the bed with me. She seems jittery, and when I look up at her I notice her pupils are dilated and unfocused again.
"Fuck, I did?" I run my hands through my hair. "Why didn't you wake me up?"
She's absentmindedly staring at her reflection in my mirror, ignoring me. Frustrated, I push my feet out of the bed and grimace when I see the condoms on the floor. Fuck, last night really went too fucking far.
"Well, I guess we'll go by ourselves then." Mercy picks herself up and walks out of the room before I can respond.
A sinking feeling of guilt settles in the pit of my stomach. I've really fucked up. I slept through the first day of classes at Parsons. That can't be good.
I take a long, scathingly hot shower before cleaning up my room. Then, I curl up in bed with some herbal tea and my phone. I check the sugar baby app and see I have a request for a private video call.
It's from the guy I've been talking and sending photos to. We've never done a call, though – he's told me he can't meet me and he would prefer not to show his face.
I chew my bottom lip as I stare at his profile on the app.
TyrantDaddy.
It reminds me of Raphael, but then again, everything does. And I need to accept whatever we had is over now.
I reply to his message, agreeing to his call. Even if it means sitting in a video call with someone I don't know, at least it'll be some quick money. We've been burning through cash for weeks living here. At least Scott is paying for some of it.
I join the video call and note the blank screen where TyrantDaddy's photo is supposed to be.
Cocking my head to the side, I say, "You shy?"
A computer-generated voice says, "Not shy. Just want to look at you."
"What's so special about me?"
A pause follows, then he says, "Where are you?"
"My bedroom."
"Where's that?"
"I'm not telling you. What do you want to see?"
"You."
I smile nervously before lowering the computer to the bed and standing up in front of it, spinning around. I'm in nothing but PJs, and I know full-well I'm only doing this to distract myself from the pain of losing Raphael and the urge to forget I missed my first day of school.
The man doesn't say a word as I slowly slide my PJs down. But when I'm about to expose my naked chest, he growls, "Stop."
"Why? Isn't this what you wanted?"
"You do this for every man on the app?"
I sit back down. His jealous possessiveness reminds me of Raphael, and it fucking hurts. "No."
"Why me, then?"
"You... you remind me of someone," I mutter. "Can we just get this over with?"
"No. I don't want to see you naked right now. Just talk to me."
"What about?"
"I don't care. I just want to listen to you."
Biting my lower lip, I try to think of something that would interest this ghost. I launch into an explanation of the classes I missed. I don't tell him the name of the school, but I tell him how I imagined today would go.
Sometimes, it's easier to live in a make-believe reality.
And it's not like TyrantDaddy will ever
find out I'm lying through gritted teeth.
Chapter 22
Raphael
1 year later
I gently tuck Austin into his crib, making sure he's safe. There's music playing softly in the background while Elise is busy chattering on her phone to one of her friends.
I stare down into the boy's sleepy face as he yawns. He's a good baby, going down easily most nights and never giving us too much trouble. But tonight, he's a little fussy, tossing and turning as I gently stroke his cheek.
"Raphael, are you coming?"
Groaning, I turn away from my son and walk toward the sound of Elise's voice.
Our relationship has only grown more strained this past year. I thought having a child together would make us grow closer, make Elise kinder. But I have the feeling she doesn't enjoy being a mother. I think she sees Austin as an accessory rather than anything meaningful, and that makes me despise her.
"We need to go," she tells me crisply. "Our reservations are at eight."
"The nanny isn't here yet," I reply firmly. "We can't leave him alone."
She rolls her eyes, adjusting her updo. "I'm not waiting. I have to be there tonight."
"Fine," I hiss. "Then you go, and I'll stay back with Austin."
"You know I hate going to these things without you."
I know full well she's trying to guilt-trip me into coming along with her, but it's not going to work this time. Elise has been dragging me to all sorts of charity events without actually giving a fuck about any of it. And every time, I dread running into Nox and Dove. I can't handle this, not tonight.
Shrugging off my suit jacket and loosening my tie, I tell her, "I'm not leaving Austin behind, but you can leave."
"Whatever." She glares at me, spraying a cloud of perfume before heading for the door. "Don't wait up."
I had thought being with Elise would make me bitter, but as it turns out, she's the one who pulled the short end of the stick. She has no connection to the kid, no motherly instincts. I'm left taking care of the boy by myself while she flits from brunch to dinner to drinks. But I don't mind. At least it means I don't have to be around her much.
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