‘It'll be hard for me, too,’ she said. ‘I've got feelings as well, Jonathan.’
‘Don't I know it!’ He grinned. ‘Sorry, Tania, mustn't get carried away. So we won't do it again, and I guess you're going to tell me that it mustn't be mentioned again.’
‘That's right,’ she said.
‘Then let me say just two things. Whatever happens, whether I get my sight back or not, I'll feel the same way about you, Tania. I love you. And if I do get my sight back, there's one thing I'm looking forward to. The sight of you, waiting for me, naked on my bed. It'll be the most wondrous thing I've ever seen.’
It took all her strength. She wanted so much to believe him. But once he had seen her disfigured body …
‘I'm looking forward to lying there waiting for you.’
Chapter Eight
TANIA seemed to weep through most of the night. She lay in bed, her fingers running down her body, following the change from the smoothness of the skin on her waist, her breasts, her thighs, to the shiny roughness of the scar tissue on her abdomen. It was horrible! If she lay naked on Jonathan’s bed, as she’d promised, he wouldn't see the perfect body he had imagined. What he would see was ugly, monstrous! Never would she give him the chance. Already, one man she'd thought she'd loved had been repulsed. It wouldn't happen again.
On Sunday morning she rose early, spent time in the bathroom soaking her eyes with cold water. He wouldn't see that she had been crying. When she returned, Marianne might.
She made coffee and he ambled out of his bedroom in his dressing gown. ‘Other people's coffee always smells better than my own,’ he said. ‘May I have a cup and will you give me a kiss?’
‘Your chair's in the window,’ she said, and watched him navigate to it expertly. Then she brought over coffee for both of them, and kissed him quickly on the cheek. ‘That'll do for now,’ she said, evading his grab. ‘Sit there quietly, have your drink and we'll talk.’
‘Actions speak louder than words. We're alone here. Come and kiss me again.’
Then she saw doubt cover his face. ‘You said you didn't want to talk about last night,’ he said. ‘Are you having second thoughts?’
‘Far from it. Last night was … well, it was incredible. But I think we've been getting just a bit too emotional. I want us to enjoy each other's company. Just take pleasure in being with each other. Jonathan, it won't be for long!’
‘Then we'll do as you wish.’
He frowned again. ‘Just one thing, though. Last night, you said everything was all right. But if there are any, well, unforeseen consequences, I –’
‘If I'm pregnant, Jonathan,’ she told him, ‘you'll be the first to know.’
He sighed. ‘You really do make better coffee than me,’ he said.
After that they had an easy day. They went into the garden again and she read to him. For a while they listened to the radio together. Marianne came back by taxi in the early afternoon and said she'd had a wonderful time.
‘You've had time to think,’ Jonathan said casually after Marianne had left. ‘Are you going to come to America with me?’
Tania had thought about it and had decided. It might cause her ultimate pain but the present pleasure was too much to give up. ‘Yes, I'll come to America with you,’ she said. ‘I'm really looking forward to it.’
‘Then we can rehearse my speech.’ Jonathan stood, made his way to his work desk, pulled out a folder.
She had noticed that he was the tidiest of men. It made being blind a little easier. Everything he owned had its place, and was in its place.
He handed her the folder. ‘Read it through to yourself first. Then ask me any questions you want about it – you'll read it so much better if you understand everything. Then you can read it out loud.’
She did as he said. There were some concepts she didn't quite understand, some words she didn't know how to pronounce. But he explained and it all began to make sense.
After half an hour she said she'd like to try to read it. He made her stand at the other side of the room and pretend she was talking to an audience. At first she stumbled a bit, but soon she got used to the reading.
‘You were good,’ he said when she had finished, ‘but you had the usual fault of people who read others' work – you spoke too quickly. Try the first page again.’
Since they'd first met, she had been his trainer, the expert showing him what to do. It seemed odd to have the roles reversed. But she liked it.
Tania had work the next day so she excused herself and went to bed early. She was tired and there were things she had to think about.
The time she had known Jonathan seemed to have passed with tremendous speed. Another week had flown by and now, next Monday, she was to go to Florida with Jonathan for a five day stay. A week after they returned he was to have his operation. She had already booked herself leave, starting next Monday.
She wanted to be with Jonathan when he came to after the operation, when he first knew whether he had regained his sight or not. If he hadn't, she wanted to be with him for the first few days. If he had regained his sight – and how she hoped that he would – then she didn't know what she would do. But she was on a part-timer's contract. She could leave at any time.
Carrying on as if things were normal was the hardest thing she had ever done. She visited a newly happy Olive. She was allocated Muriel Chalmers, a lady who had just been registered as completely blind. Muriel had been losing her sight for years so it shouldn't have come as a shock to her. But it did. Tania spent far more than the proper time trying to get Muriel to do the basic minimum for herself.
Life in the flat was much more fun. Jonathan seemed to have accepted that they would have a quiet life. And she knew that even though there was the trip to Florida first, he must be worrying about his operation. The alternatives were so stark. He would see perfectly again. Or he had lost his sight for good. Tania wondered just how much strength she would have if faced with the same situation. But not once did Jonathan complain.
She read a lot to him, helped him with some of his extensive correspondence. Much of it was handled by a secretary at the hospital, but the more personal letters they now handled together. She had once taken a typing course and could type as fast as many secretaries.
That delighted Jonathan. ‘You could be my girl Friday,’ he told her. ‘Want a job in future?’ But she didn't want to think about the future. She was having enough trouble dealing with the present.
He phoned the organisers of the conference, who were incredibly efficient. There would be no trouble finding another room for Tania, a driver would meet them at the airport and then be at their disposal.
‘I love working with the Americans,’ Jonathan said. ‘They see problems as a challenge to be overcome. Nothing is too difficult for them.’ So Tania found herself looking forward to the trip.
At first the very idea of going to an unknown foreign country in charge of a newly blind man had horrified her. But now Jonathan's calm certainty made her think that this wouldn't be a problem. She was going to enjoy herself. And she would be with him.
Most of her evenings were spent alone with Jonathan. Marianne seemed to be spending a lot of the evenings with Charles, both Jonathan and Tania thought it was rather nice.
One night Joe came to take Jonathan to the hospital for a meeting, and Marianne decided to stay in. ‘We can have a girls' evening,’ she said. ‘We'll open a bottle of his wine while he's out. I hope you don't think I'm deserting him at night,’ she told Tania. ‘I'd spend every minute of every day with him, but I think he's probably better off with just you. When we're together I want to do everything for him. I know it's not good, I've seen you make him do things that you could do so easily. But you want him to be independent.’
‘It's my training,’ Tania admitted. ‘And don't think you're exceptional. We have to tell lots of relations not to do too much. And mums are the worst. After all, he's your little boy.’
‘My only little boy,’ sa
id Marianne. ‘And he doesn't realise it, but I know him very well. Much better than he thinks. Has he ever mentioned his father to you?’
The abrupt question surprised Tania. ‘Hardly at all. I told him my father died young so I never knew him but that I had a wonderfully happy upbringing with my mother. He said he had been the same,’
‘That's good to hear. Though it was true.’ Marianne sipped from her wine, staring out of the window at the distant dark sea. ‘I loved his father. We had a whirlwind courtship in the Bahamas when I was on a photographic shoot there. We were going to be married. Then he died in an accident – a silly one, falling down into the hold of a ship we were using as a background.
Of course I was terribly upset. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope. But then, two days later, things got even worse. His wife arrived – complete with two-year-old baby girl. He'd never told me he was married. I'd been betrayed.’
‘And then you found out you were pregnant?’ Tania guessed.
‘I was pregnant. It was the late 1960s, so there was no shame attached and I was quite well-to-do. Lots of my friends were having babies without husbands – babies were fashion accessories. But I would have liked to have been married.’
‘You brought up Jonathan to be a wonderful son anyway,’ Tania said gently, ‘and look at how he loves you now.’
‘Yes, I know.’ Marianne took out a handkerchief, dabbed at her eyes. ‘There's a point to all this dragging up of old stories, Tania. It's to do with Jonathan.’
Tania leaned over, filled Marianne's glass. This was fascinating her.
Marianne went on, ‘When he was twenty-one I told Jonathan what I have just told you, though I didn't use the word "betrayed". I said that if he wanted, I would give him the man's name. He could make enquiries, perhaps talk to people who had known his father. He might get to feel some kind of identity with him.
Jonathan said he didn't want to know the man's name. The man had deceived me, he was better forgotten.’
‘And he's never asked you since – shown no curiosity, no wish to know a name?’
‘None. When Jonathan makes up his mind about something, that's it. He wanted to be a doctor – he worked till he became one. He wanted to become a consultant – now he is. He's incredibly determined.’
‘I've noticed,’ Tania said with feeling. ‘You know he's now more advanced than some of my clients who have been blind for over a year. He determined to learn. He's the toughest man I've ever had to deal with.’
His mother was quiet for a moment. ‘But the uncertainty is getting to him now, isn't it?’ she asked. ‘He's not as lively as he used to be.’
‘It would get to anyone,’ Tania said.
She worked, she came back to the flat at night and read to him, she made him practise his long stick work. And in no time it was the night before they were to travel.
‘Never been to America? You're going to enjoy it. And if you think it's hot here, wait till you get to Florida. It's warm and it's sticky. Not that you'll spend too much time outside. Everywhere – airport, car, hotel, conference hall – will be air-conditioned. In fact, it's a good idea to carry a light sweater or something with you. Moving from the heat outside to the chill inside can be quite traumatic.’
‘I've got every woman's problem,’ Tania said. ‘What shall I wear?’
Marianne smiled. ‘Dress casually. Just take shorts, T-shirts and a couple of light dresses. Now, we're much of the same size. Can I lend you anything? I've got cases full of clothes that I very rarely wear – it goes with the job. Be good for them to have an outing.’
‘We-ell,’ said Tania, ‘I've been thinking about when I have to stand up and give this talk. I need to have something formal, I suppose, but I don't want to look frumpy. And I'm just not sure what to choose.’
‘Got just the thing,’ said Marianne. She fetched a grey dress in the finest of clinging wools, cut absolutely simply. Tania went to try it on and found the cut worked marvels for her figure.
‘I've never seen a dress that reveals so little and suggests so much,’ Marianne said, pulling the skirt straight. ‘Now, you need one last touch – a scarf round the neck?’
Tania had a rich red silk one. She put it on and the effect was marvellous.
‘She's going to ruin your talk,’ Marianne said cheerfully to her son. ‘One look at Tania here and they won't listen to a word.’
‘Great. That means I'll be invited back some other time. Let me feel this material, Tania.’
He ran his hand down her arm. ‘That feels good.’
It felt good to her, too. She loved it when he touched her.
Marianne was totally non-possessive about her clothes – they were the tools that she used in her job. She told Tama that the other models she worked with constantly borrowed from each other. It was the way they worked. So she was more than happy to lend Tania something else. Tania borrowed another two dresses – light, summer ones, but quite different from her own style.
They then all went into Jonathan's bedroom. ‘While you're away, Tania's going to be your gentleman's gentleman,’ Marianne said flatly. ‘She'll be in charge of your clothing and there'll be no Joe there to help you dress. You're not going to embarrass her by being awkward, are you?’
Jonathan smiled and said to Tania, ‘This is the woman that used to change my nappies. She's taken advantage of that fact ever since. No, I'll happily accept Tania's help.’
But Tania thought that there was just an element of strain in his voice and she felt for him. Yet another little thing that he could no longer do for himself.
They picked the outfits that he was to wear and then Marianne packed them, with a speed and skill that amazed Tania. There was something curiously intimate about setting out his clothes, picking socks, handkerchiefs, underwear. She liked it. It was as if they … she wouldn't think that way.
‘Want a hand with your packing, Tania?’ Marianne asked, and she accepted. It was always good to learn from an expert.
Eventually the two cases were packed and left in the hall, the hand-baggage put nearby. The three of them sat and checked the important documents – passports, insurance, the thick pack of instructions sent to Jonathan by the conference organisers. There were Jonathan's credit cards, a sheaf of American paper money, a handful of loose change. They had talked about it, and Tania was to look after it all. She had a bag that fitted over her shoulder and under her loose sweater she would carry a money belt.
Once again Marianne gave her son a stern warning.
‘Don't let it worry you that Tania's doing all the organising. All the best people need help to deal with their personal affairs.’
‘All right, I'm going up in the world. Look, Mum, I'm really happy that Tania's coming, and I'm grateful, too. We'll be a great team. Won't we, Tania?’
‘We'll work well together,’ she said. She wondered what she really meant by that.
Joe called next morning to drive them to Manchester airport. Special arrangements had been made because Jonathan was blind, and they were whisked quickly through into the final departure lounge. Tania found him a seat, then fetched them both a coffee. And she watched the great planes surge into the air, heard the distant scream of their engines.
‘You're excited,’ he said. ‘I can tell. Why don't you go for a wander 'round? I always used to.’
‘No,’ she said, ‘I'll sit here with you.’ On impulse she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, ‘Thank you so much for bringing me. I'm really looking forward to it.’
He said nothing, but felt for her hand and squeezed it.
Then they were invited to board. They were in the forward cabin, the luxury club-class seats. There was a lot of leg room and the seats very wide. Much more comfortable than when she had flown previously. Though she had enjoyed that too.
Tania had to do something so she occupied herself by keeping up a low-voiced commentary on what was happening. Jonathan had invited her to go with him so she would be his eyes. They were offered a
drink – she had never had champagne at this hour of the morning before. Then there were the usual announcements, the taxiing, the jerk as the plane drove forward and the bumpy ride that eased the moment they were airborne.
‘If you don't mind, I think I'll sleep,’ he said. ‘All doctors learn to sleep, anywhere, anytime.’ But Tania couldn't sleep during the day, so she went over his speech again, and then the stewardess found her a couple of glossy magazines.
She woke him when it was time for the meal, and they had a glass of red wine each. Afterwards she found herself dozing, perhaps the effect of the alcohol.
And Jonathan went to sleep again.
It happened quite a while afterwards. She vaguely realised there was some kind of commotion in the economy section, and a couple of stewards rushed through the curtain that separated the two sections.
Shortly afterwards, those fateful words came through on the intercom. ‘Is there a doctor on board?’ Beside her she felt Jonathan awake instantly.
‘Ask a steward if there is a doctor on board,’ he said, ‘and if there isn't get someone to come and tell me exactly what has happened.’
She did as he suggested. There wasn't a doctor available, and two minutes later an apprehensive steward was telling him what had happened. An old gentleman in an aisle seat had suddenly collapsed. It had been impossible to wake him and the cabin crew had half dragged, half carried him to the kitchen where he could be laid flat. They couldn't find a pulse.
‘Lead us to him,’ Jonathan said. ‘You've got a blind doctor and two-thirds of a nurse. And fetch whatever medical kit you have. Tania, you come, too.’
They were led promptly down one of the aisles, the rest of the passengers remaining apprehensively in their seats. Tania guided Jonathan so he was kneeling by the man, feeling at his chest. There was little pulse. Tania pulled aside the man's clothes while a steward found a stethoscope for Jonathan. Jonathan listened to the chest, grunted. ‘Thought so – cardiac arrest. Go and tell the captain we should divert to the nearest airport. Have an ambulance waiting with resuscitation equipment aboard. Now, don't all planes carry a defibrillator these days?’
The Consultant's Recovery Page 13
