Letting go of the air which had turned to ice in his lungs, Ray forced his limbs to move, and with effort, made his way to the hall alongside the other inmates. He’d heard about the break-in and, like the others, was preparing for an interrogation and possible accusations over being involved. Ray didn’t care.
His mind was riddled with questions, confusion, pain, and need. Just one, the voice begged. No! He beat it back.
“Bro. Do you think one of us oakes are involved?” Cyril, his roommate, whispered as they made their way to the chairs and tables in the mess hall. “I think it’s that Jaapie bloke from cabin three. He’s always sniffing around asking questions.”
Ray shrugged and pulled out a chair and sat. The memory of his first night, and the person flashing a torch, resurfaced. He wasn’t going to mention it. Snitches were bitches.
Folding his arms across his chest, he continued to concentrate on his breathing, fighting the need not only for a hit, but to stand up and run after the only woman he’d ever loved.
Ray barely noticed Ben show a police woman and another man dressed in a khaki uniform to the front of the hall.
“This is Sergeant Abbe Deloise. She and Ranger Marnus Faldela are investigating last night’s break-in. You will co-operate. You will watch yourself. If I hear that you’re a problem, a simple phone call is all it takes to end your time here,” Ben bellowed across the hall, but Ray barely took notice as the man continued to explain that each of them would be questioned individually and that no one was to leave the hall until they were done.
The voices and faces around Raymond blurred into white noise as memories long buried beneath a haze of narcotics, anger, and pain surfaced like a demon corpse clawing its way from a watery grave to haunt and remind him of what he’d thrown away.
“You know we’re not supposed to mix.” Karl, the cricket captain, pushed him in to a corner of the cloakroom. The rest of the team surrounded the pair. Their eyes were dark and filled with hatred, aimed at him.
“But we’re all friends,” a seventeen-year-old Ray waved a hand at the team who was made up of white, coloured, and Xhosa—boys who had been allowed into their once only-white school when the walls of segregation had finally crumbled, but not disappeared.
“But we don’t touch one another’s women!” Benzile, their best fielder, spat at him.
“Leave her or pay for your actions,” Jantjie called out.
Karl’s fist gripped Ray’s collar roughly. “You heard the boys. Leave her. If it’s a fuck you need, Anke De Waal is always willing.”
“No. I love her! It shouldn’t be an issue. You can do what you want to me …”
“And what do you think we’ll do to her?” Benzile’s voice sliced across Ray’s heart.
He tried to fight back, but one against twelve strapping, angry, bitter lads was never meant to be a fair match …
“Raymond …”
A distant voice and someone’s hand on his shoulder dragged Ray from the depths of his nightmarish memory.
“Hey bro, you’re up.” Cyril pointed to the man in khaki waving for him to follow. “By the way, probably best not to mention my midnight smoking excursions.” He winked.
Ray nodded. They weren’t allowed to smoke in their cabins. Why Cyril saw his nightly gwaai breaks as an issue only he knew. It wasn’t like he was the only one taking them. Probably nerves. They all hated the police.
Ray wiped sweaty palms down the front of his pants and walked up to where the ranger stood waiting to escort him to his interrogation.
I am safe. I am stronger than my need! I am in control.
The evening was cool. Ray sat on a plastic garden chair outside of his room, pen and paper in hand as her tried to enjoy the soft hum of crickets as the sky morphed from scarlet to deep indigo. He opened the pen the writing pad. They had access to computers, but Ray didn’t have an email account and hadn’t owned a phone since his last arrest.
He rather enjoyed the feel of the hand gliding across the sheet as he penned a new letter to his pa. Another memory from a different life popped into his head.
He’d loved journaling and had written many poems in his youth. He’d loved reading too…
It’d been a boiling-hot day, the heat following the moist breeze into the night when he’d walked out to their oak tree. “Thought I’d find you here.”
Moonlight cast a silver blanket across Mina’s bare shoulders where she sat wrapped in only a blanket, her hair bundled up in a mess atop her head.
“Couldn’t sleep either?” She smiled.
He sat down beside her and tucked her beneath his arm as he paged to his favourite poem and read. “Tyger, Tyger, burning bright …”
He’d not picked up a book of poetry in yonks.
Shit, he’d wasted so many years. If only he’d been more of a man, if only …
Three days had flown by since his run-in with Mina, and he’d not heard a word from her, not even a whisper. Not that he deserved any sort of explanation from her, but the thought that she lived only a few hundred metres from where he now lived, ate at him daily.
He’d figured out she was the owner of Redemption Farm and that she was usually more involved with the inmates. In his conversation with the counsellor, he was told she’d taken a step back to deal with the break-in, but Ray knew better, and the thought irked him.
She must hate him, and he couldn’t blame her, but it still hurt to think that he’d turned the most beautiful soul in his life to a bitter woman.
Too bitter to involve herself in the work she was apparently passionate about, but too proud to make him leave, he assumed, as he was still here.
Ray blocked out his thoughts. Perhaps his father would understand? It was time to tell him what had happened so long ago to turn his son into the monster Ray had become.
Pa,
I’m not sure how to word this, and please know that I am not angry. Confused, yes. Deserving of all the hurt coming my way, absolutely, but not angry.
Grace still runs the house at Nooitgedacht, I take it? Did you know about Mina …
Ray scratched out her name. She’d made it clear she wanted no one to know, and their mail was read and checked before it was sent out.
Did you know?
He wrote instead.
I don’t blame you for never telling me.
There was a robbery here. Everyone is okay, but half the abalone harvest was taken. This was when I found out. God, Pa, beauty has no age limit! Is that inappropriate? I don’t care. It’s time to explain what happened. Not that it will ever excuse any of the crimes I’ve committed over the last years, but I promise to spend the rest of my life fixing it all.
It was the last game of the season just before mock exams for matric started …
Ray handed the unsealed envelope to Mr. Meintjies who collected the mail the inmates wanted posted.
Mr. meintjies gave him a cold stare as he pulled the letter out and began to read it in front of Ray.
Ray didn’t budge. Barley breathed as he fought his anger.
“Aw, isn’t it just a shame how all you poor fuckers always get to blame someone else for your bullshit?” He tucked the letter back into the envelope and sealed it.
He’d get his own back and Mr. Meintjies would pay for his condescending shit, but not today.
Mr. Meintjies had been present during the interviews with the police, apparently to represent the inmates, but Ray had gotten a different vibe—he wasn’t sure about it yet, but there was something about the man that didn’t bode well with Ray. Anyhow, who was he to question anyone after all the wrong he’d committed?
“Will you be fine with me taking a run along the strand this afternoon, sir?” He controlled the tone of his voice. To allow Mr. Meintjies to know he’d pushed his buttons would be a grave mistake.
“Tired of the road to the gate and back?” Mr. Meintjies smirked.
“No, I just need a harder workout and the sand will do that.”
He nodded. “And
because I am such a magnanimous soul, you can clean out the toilets for me granting you that favour.”
Ray clenched his fists and gritted his jaw, nodding, “Yes Sir.”
Ray made his way back to the bungalow. Fucking Ben Meintjies was just like Karl—a bully with the upper hand. Ray leaned with his palms flat against the outside wall of his cabin and breathed.
Run, he needed to run.
I am safe. I am stronger than my need! I am in control.
Ray straightened and marched inside, grabbed his trainers and a pair of socks.
The sun dazzled the ocean as the it displayed its beauty in the form of crimson and orange sprites surfing the waves. Ray was halfway back to the beach entrance which led up to the warehouses and inmate living area. With his run almost complete, he relished the burn in his thighs and calves. He controlled his breathing and smiled as the ocean breeze cooled the sweat drenching his torso. He was undeservedly blessed.
A horse’s soft nicker caused him to look left. High up on a grass-covered dune stood the same bronze horse and on its back, a girl with long milky hair and a broad smile. Ray stumbled in the sand then regained his balance. His legs slowed to a stop as his mind digested the sight. For the slightest moment, he could have sworn he knew her. Some part of him recognised something about her.
The way she looked at him … they’d never met before—that he was sure of.
A second figure joined the girl.
Mina!
A shocked expression contorted her face. She uttered a few words to the girl who then tugged on the reins and rode off.
Mina remained staring down at him. He continued staring up. The world around them faded, and the slightest sliver of hope sparkled in the depths of Ray’s heart.
As quickly as she’d appeared, Mina turned and walked away. Ray wiped a trembling hand down his face. That girl—why did he feel so connected to her? A second thought followed short on the first; surely … no, impossible. His father would never keep that a secret from him. Would he?
Ray took off down the beach at a faster, harder pace. Could the girl be the reason why Mina was keeping him at a distance?
He needed to write to Pa. He could barely handle the fact Mina lived in such close proximity … but he had to be certain of the girl or he’d snap.
Ray slowed his pace and came to a stop. He turned to face the setting sun over the ocean, gripping his sides with both hands as he fought to calm his mind and his breathing. The distant waning warmth cupped his thoughts and carried him back to a dusk long ago.
“Ray, please. I just need you to listen,” Mina had begged him.
She’d come looking for him in the storeroom. He couldn’t look at her; every time he did, his resolve melted and that would lead to her being harmed.
“Vokoff, Mina! We’ve had our fun. Time to move on.” He leaned with his head against the damp inner walls of the store, gritting his teeth, hating himself and fighting back the urge to pull her into him and kiss away all the hurt he’d caused. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the flake of oblivion he’d procured on the corner after school. He popped it beneath his tongue and allowed the drug to take hold.
“Ray, please. I need to tell you …”
He pushed away from the wall and, mustering all his self-loathing and bitterness, spat, “Jy’s a Kaffirs kind. Don’t ever come near me again!”
He watched as the words shattered the soul of the girl he loved. Her devastation pushed the knife deeper into his bleeding heart and snuffed whatever light had dared to burn in its centre.
Ray’s body shuddered as his memories tore at his conscience. Had she possibly been trying to tell him she was pregnant? Oh dear God! That would have changed everything.
A wave crashed and ran to his feet, splashing over his trainers and up his legs. The briny water was cold compared to the warmth in the air and tugged Ray back to the present.
Regret was his worst enemy, and he had so much of this. He should have fought harder, gone to his pa and ma; they would have helped him keep Mina safe. But back then he’d been too much of a coward to make a stronger stance and had lost everything.
Even if that beauty on the back of the horse was his, she was better off without him.
Twisting abruptly in the sand, Ray made his way up to his quarters. The guys had lit a bonfire in the pit and were sitting around, chatting and enjoying a well-known easy meal.
“Hey bro, there’s a boerieroll with your name on it.” Cyril waved him over.
Ray nodded and shook off the ghosts of his past as he sat on the wooden bench, accepting the sausage on a bread roll. “Thanks.”
This was where he now belonged—amongst the riff-raff of society, because that was what he had chosen to become. He had no rights.
I am safe. I am stronger than my need! I am in control.
It did no one any good to remain stuck in his past; that would only lead him down the cliff. Perhaps he could ask Vestra if she was open for one-on-one counselling? He needed an ear, guidance, and someone to catch him should he fall.
“There’s a letter on your bed, by the way. Mr Meintjies dropped it off soon after you went for your run,” Cyril added.
Ray’s stomach flipped and he swallowed his bite of food, which dropped like lead into his stomach.
5
“Ma, you need to talk him out of it.” Mina paced with her phone against her ear. Derek had called half an hour before, letting her know he was bringing her mom for a visit and that he wanted to see Raymond.
“Bokkie, I can’t. We all knew this day would come. I didn’t think it’d be like this but … look, Derek has a right to visit his son and Raymond to receive visitors, just like all your other inmates.” Her mother’s voice stern yet loving drifted into her ear.
“Please, I can’t have anyone here know about me and Ray. Lullu has no idea, and I’d prefer to keep it that way,” Mina pleaded.
“You haven’t told her?”
“I don’t have to. I won’t upend my daughter’s life, especially not before nationals,” Mina bit back. The memory of Sunday afternoon still fresh in her mind. Lullu had taken her usual galivant on Boesman. She’d walked over to join her daughter to watch the sunset. That was when she’d seen him. Down on the beach. She’d heard he loved to run—that hadn’t changed. But what caught her off guard was the plethora of emotions and sensations which invaded her body and heart when she’d looked down and seen Raymond standing there, looking at Lullu. He’d been topless in only shorts and trainers—his body as beautiful and strong as she remembered.
“Tell him he can see his Ray, but not to come near the house this time.” Bile, fear, and pure stubbornness rode her words harder than a jockey racing his steed.
“You tell him yourself. Just like her father, she has a right to the truth. Besides, how’s Derek going to be able to visit and not see Lullu? You know how close they are.”
“Bloody hell, Ma! Derek cannot come to visit Lullu, and that’s final.” Mina exclaimed as she turned to find her daughter standing at the door of her study. Dark brown eyes gazed at her surreptitiously.
Shit!
“I’ve got to go. We’ll talk about this in the morning.” Mina ended the call and slowly placed her phone on her desk.
“It’s rude to eavesdrop, lovie.” Mina folded her arms across her chest.
“I wasn’t. I got home from school and was looking for you, then heard you speaking of Oupa. Why can’t he see me?”
Mina fell into her office chair and groaned as she wiped a hand down her face. It wasn’t enough her abalone had been poached, or that she’d run in to Ray—now her daughter had caught wind of the one thing she was desperately trying to protect her from.
“Oupa can see you. You just heard parts of a conversation which has nothing to do with you.” Mina relented.
“If it has nothing to do with me then why did you speak about me?” Lullu retorted, spun around, and stomped off.
Good Lord, when it rained it sur
ely did pour. How was she going to navigate her family through this without scaring her daughter for life … or admitting that you’re still in love with him?
She fought back the last thought.
No, there couldn’t be love left for Raymond—not after all these years and all that pain. She should hate him, despise him, find a way to get him off the program. Her heart thumped and her chest froze.
God damn this bloody asthma!
The following Sunday Morning saw Mina, and Derek Le Roux watching Lullu train while her mom cooked lunch.
“Look, Oupa,” Lullu called out as she performed a rear-ways up position on her pony.
The old man’s eyes lit up. “That’s my girl!” He threw Lullu a thumbs up.
“I don’t know how your nerves hold it.” He looked to Mina as she approached, shaking his head.
Mina waved a quick hello to Drina, Lullu’s coach.
“Look Derek …,” now was the best time to broach the subject.
“Ray doesn’t know, does he? How have you managed to keep all this from him?” The crisp blue of Derek’s eyes softened as he placed a hand on her shoulder, glanced to Lullu, then returned his attention to her.
“I—erm …”
“What, my dear?” The lines between his eyes deepened.
“He saw Lullu with me the other afternoon.” She bit her bottom lip as she reached into her pocket for her inhaler. She’d been using it a lot more recently. No guesses as to why.
“And?”
“And nothing.” Mina straightened then glanced to where her daughter was practicing before returning her hard gaze to rest on Derek.
“He wrote to me. He’s been doing that a lot of late,” Derek said.
“Shit. All communications are checked before being sent out.” Mina shook her inhaler and brought it to her mouth.
“Easy now, my dear. He didn’t put it in so many words. If whoever checks the emails and letters has no idea there’s a connection between the two of you, then believe me, they’d wouldn’t have read what was stated between the lines,” Derek soothed.
Mina closed her eyes and held her Ventolin-laden breath a moment longer before releasing it and giving her would-be father-in-law an angry glare. “Look, I don’t want you discussing me around any of the others when you see Ray. Please, Derek.”
Road to Redemption Page 4
