Anger and fear unfurled in his centre. He’d kept his distance and his mouth shut. He’d followed the program to the tee; he’d not fallen off the wagon like three of the inmates who’d arrived with him. And it wasn’t as though the opportunities weren’t ever present. He’d already been offered and declined some of the stash smuggled in.
He needed Redemption, with or without Mina. He needed it like he needed a hit.
“Don’t waste her time. Get out of your overalls and move your fucking arse.”
“Yes, sir,” Ray replied.
He’d make her understand that sending him away now would be his end—he had to. He would promise not to go near their daughter; he’d promise his life if he had to. To stand any chance at all of ever being in his child’s life, ever, he had to fix himself up for good.
“And Le Roux,” Mr. Meintjies stopped him and leaned in until his nose almost touched Ray’s. “Don’t you put a fucking foot out of line or I’ll have your balls for breakfast. I know you, and I know your type; I won’t allow anything happen to her or Lullu.” His sour breath washed over Ray, twisting his guts further as he digested the meaning sitting behind the man’s words.
Nodding, Ray stepped away, turned and headed to the locker room.
Only the farm employees were in the warehouse when Ray walked briskly from the backroom where he’d left his gloves, overalls and gumboots. Mr. Meintjies had vanished, thank God. Now he understood why the man had gunned for him from day one. Was he that close to Mina that she’d confided who Ray was to her? That didn’t matter now.
With knees that resembled jelly on a gravel road, Ray made his way through the inmate precinct and up the steps he’d watched his pa climb the day of his visit. At the summit, he turned back and looked down over the rooftops of the bungalows, mess hall, and warehouses. The view of the ocean, which stretched until it trimmed the edges of the bright blue heavens, was right out of a fairy tale. His heart swelled and Ray took a moment to allow the wonder of nature to seep through his skin and fill the shattered hollow in his chest. No matter Mina’s decision, he would not fail—not this time, and not ever again!
Clucking free-range chickens brought him back to the here and now, and the gauntlet placed before him. Bracing himself as he searched for a confidence he’d long ago lost, Ray made his way to the home’s back door and knocked. It would have been inappropriate to assume the front door was meant for someone like him.
The kitchen was inviting and smelled of meaty humbleness. Paintings on the wall were from artists Ray had learned of in school, and the décor was comfortable with a modern twist, he noted as Becky, the woman who he assumed ran Mina’s household, led him toward the far end of the house.
“Just wait here.” The woman held up her hand as they approached a closed, beautiful lead-glass decorated door.
“Ja,” Mina’s voice called.
The woman gently twisted the bronze door knob. “Inmate Le Roux is here, mevrou,” she said.
“Let him in. Thank you, Becky.”
Ray sucked in a nervous breath when something on her arm caught his eye—a scar … His focus was interrupted when she turned and said, “She will see you now.” Her light brown gaze grazed over him coldly.
Ray nodded his thanks and entered the room. The back walls were lined with one long bookshelf adorned from ceiling to floor with colourful spines. To his left was a large window, and before him, his heart—Mina.
Dressed in a soft ivory-coloured blouse, with her hair tied into a neat bun at her neck, and her caramel skin flawless, she looked every bit ‘the boss lady’ of Redemption Farm.
“Take a seat, Ray.” She waved toward one of two chairs tucked neatly into the front of her large white-washed desk.
“Look, I haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve abided by the rules. I will—”
“Ray, please sit.” Her curt command caused him to pause.
Ray nodded and did as he was told. Words of apology and justifications raced up his throat and filled his mouth, but Ray knew better.
“How are you?” He tried again.
Mina shifted in her leather seat and glanced at her computer screen, to him, and out the window, then finally, she settled a hard, dark gaze back on him. “I am fine.”
Ray tried to hold her gaze but the longing in their depths had him taking in every aspect of a face he’d missed more than he realised.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Her voice, hoarse but direct, accentuated her appeal as she folded her arms.
“Like what?” Ray asked sincerely, not realising what he’d done.
“Like you used to. You threw away that right a long time ago.”
Ray’s cheeks heated as he ducked his head and stared at his dusty work boots instead.
“We need to discuss …” Her voice melted into nothing.
“Our daughter.” He lifted his gaze.
Yes, he was a no-good crim who had utterly destroyed a young girl. But he was also a man who was willing to face his mistakes and fix what could be fixed … and a father. This thought had struck him hardest a few nights before when he’d spent another hour doing sit-ups and push-ups to tame the demons.
“My daughter, Ray. Mine. You threw us away …”
“I didn’t know …”
Mina jumped up from her seat and leaned across her desk, baring her white teeth at him as she gritted out, “And what difference would that have made, eh?”
Ray stood, dropping his arms beside him. “All the difference in the world.”
“How so? All I was to you was a shag. A forbidden fruit you tossed the moment things got too heavy.”
Years of shame, self-loathing and bitterness welled in his gut, begging to explode in fury and justification. He could never go back to fix things, but he would be damned if he’d continue to be a coward also.
Tendrils of anger wrapped themselves around his neck and tightened, making it hard to breathe let alone speak as he balled his fists on his hips. “You’re right. I threw you away like a cheap rag. What you don’t know is that I had to!” He paused and allowed his confession to sink in. “I was young, stupid, and more than anything, I was so in love that yes, when things got heavy I didn’t know who to turn to and did what I thought was best. I protected you. It cost me my soul, but I’d never had risked your safety because of others’ hatred. As for our daughter …” He waved a shaky index finger between them. “… if I’d known, I would have swallowed my fear and faced my pa. I would have sent those pieces of shit in my team to hell.”
Ray plopped back into the chair. Confessions were exhausting and this one had cost him every ounce of energy he had.
Silence blanketed the room and Ray looked up to find Mina, face ashen, lips trembling, tears trickling from her eyes.
“You are not allowed to hurt me like this anymore. If I could, I’d have you removed from the program …”
God she did want to boot him off, and there was nothing he could do to stop her, “Then why don’t you, Mina? You owe me nothing. After all these years, you’ve done more with your life than you probably would have at my side. Kick me from the program. I am done.” With effort, Ray stood once more and turned toward the door.
“I’d never take away your second chance, Ray. Like every other man who comes here, you deserve that much.”
Ray didn’t look back, couldn’t.
“And does that second chance not include getting to know my daughter?”
Her gasp broke the broken pieces of his heart further.
He craved a hit more than the air he breathed. He was too weak to not love her and too stubborn to say so. Instead, he left her office and returned to work making sure he volunteered for the hardest, dirtiest labour there was to find.
Mina fell into a weeping bundle on her chair. Curling her legs up beneath her bum and wrapping her arms around her knees, she buried her head and sobbed. She sobbed for the young Mina, whose life had been obliterated because of the hatred of others. She sobbed for all the years h
er daughter had lived without her father and she sobbed for the unconditional truth Ray had proffered.
God damn it all!
Damn fate, and damn her heart.
She’d never stopped loving him, and now, more than ever, she knew she never would. But to allow him back into her life, Lullu’s life … no, that would be a mistake—one she wasn’t willing to make a second time.
8
“Ray, I do think you may be a little dramatic.” Vestra, her dreads wrapped in a ball on top of her head, shifted in her chair, uncrossing her left leg and crossing her right. She lay her ebony gaze on Ray.
“How so?” He didn’t mean to sound cocky, but did this woman have any idea what it felt like to claw oneself out of a dark shit-filled pit?
“Look I understand where you’re coming from,” she said knowingly.
“Now you’re a mind reader?” Ray shifted uncomfortably.
Initially, he’d been grateful for the one-on-ones, but as time passed and Vestra dug her psychoanalytic nails into him, Ray was second guessing his decision.
Vestra sighed and placed her notepad and pen on the table beside her.
She uncrossed her long legs and leaned with her elbows on her knees. “No, but I do recognise a soul who’s trying to find the light. I didn’t simply finish school and decide to become a counsellor, Ray. Life made sure I had my own little taste of its darker side before it showed me my way. It’s not easy; you’re right. But is anything that comes easily in life truly worth having?”
Ray digested her words as he turned his gaze toward the window. It was a shitty day outside. The wind could blow the hair off a dog’s arse, and a storm was racing toward them off an angry ocean.
“Look, I’ll be frank. I’ve known Mina for a long time. I know of both your pasts, together and apart. I also know that sooner rather than later, you will both have to sit down and face this past together. I want you to know, I’ll be there for you.”
Ray returned his gaze to Vestra and swallowed hard. “I don’t think she wants to, and I don’t blame her. Perhaps it would be easier if they transferred me.”
It’d been a week since Mina had confirmed he was Lullu’s father. It had only made things more complicated. Ray was finding it harder and harder to appease the turmoil threatening to wreak havoc in his mind.
“No, Ray. No transfer. Life has brought your paths back together for a reason. To ignore it would be to both your detriment …” She paused and squinted. “… and your daughter’s.” Vestra reached forward and placed her beautifully manicured hand on his shoulder. “I can see you’re struggling with your addiction. I won’t have you backslide on my watch.”
“I’m late for my shift.” It was all Ray could say.
“Okay. But you know what to do if you feel yourself slipping. In the meantime, I will see to it that you and Mina get to sit down again, and this time I will be present. The longer you leave it, the worse it’ll get.”
Ray stood and nodded. “Thank you … and sorry.” He turned to leave the small consultation office.
“Sorry for what?”
Ray turned to face the woman. “There was a time in my life, one I am very ashamed of, but that needs to be acknowledged.”
Vestra raised her eyebrows, steepling her hands beneath her chin. “You going to tell me?”
“You’re a beautiful woman and a blerrie clever one too. I’m sorry I spent so many years allowing colour to influence my perception of the people in this world,” he blurted, spun around, and walked out.
“Apology accepted,” she called after him.
Ray rounded the hill and made for the far end of the bay. His running a saving grace. He pushed harder and faster. His body screamed for him to just give in to his craving, but his determination had other plans. He’d finished a hard day grafting in the warehouses, and still no word from Mina, but Pa had written, mentioning that Rochelle and Thomas were coming up. They wouldn’t be there to see him, but to help Mina out with a problem. He was not to mention his brother-in-law’s job with Interpol.
In the distance, Ray caught the shadow of a slim figure. The closer he came, the more it took shape. It was Mina’s housekeeper, Becky, who stood staring out over the ocean.
Ray took a wide berth as he ran past her. A few hundred metres more, Ray turned and headed back.
Now the woman stood, smoking, her eyes on him as he came closer. She turned her head back toward the ocean and lifted her left hand to her mouth. Ray almost lost his footing when he noticed the mark on her arm. It had to have been her, the person he’d seen on the first night. She turned, her gaze fixed on him, her eyes bright with intrigue as a smirk spread across her face. Ray turned away. Shit.
The question was, who should he tell?
The following afternoon. Ray was summoned to the counsellor’s office.
Vestra had not joked when she’d said she’d sit them both down.
Ray stood at the entrance to Vestra’s office, looking to where the farm’s counsellor sat opposite two chairs, one already taken by Mina.
“Hello Raymond. Please come in, sit down.” Vestra waved to him as Mina’s head snapped back, her eyes wide.
Ray didn’t hide his surprise either. He’d really thought the woman was just trying to appease him. But here they were, barely a day after she’d made the promise.
“What the hell, Vessie?” Mina jumped up. Today she wore a dress. It suited her, all swaths of white cotton with a brown belt that matched the colour of the hair hanging loose around her shoulders. Ray had to force his gaze from her, afraid she’d catch him looking at her in that way again.
“Sit ,Mina. You know as well as I do that this needs to happen. For a counsellor who’s always fought for her inmates to face their truths, you sure don’t walk the talk.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mina’s voice took on a cold tone.
“That if you want your inmate to succeed, you need to be a part of his healing.” Vestra smiled, her voice like a soft mist.
Ray closed the door and took his seat. The three of them sat in a semicircular formation with a small square table in the centre on which sat a box of tissues, two notepads with pens, and three bottles of water.
“I think we need to pin down the core of this problem.” Vestra waved a finger between the pair.
“Why? Ray and I know perfectly well where this started.” Mina slapped her hands on her knees where she sat.
“And what of Lullu?” Vestra questioned softly.
“Same,” Mina snapped.
Ray’s reply made it to his mouth, but he bit it back when Vestra’s glance told him to keep quiet.
“Perhaps a different approach is what we need.” Vestra pointed with her gold Parker pen to the table. “Could each of you please grab a pen and notepad?”
“Vessie, I have shit to take care of and …” Mina balked, but Vestra held up her hand and Mina’s mouth snapped shut.
“That shit can wait, love. This shit …” She gripped her pen, and with an index finger, made a swirling motion.“… cannot. You need this about as much, if not more, than Raymond. I’m not suggesting you walk out of here holding hands, and dance off in to the sunset. But it’s time you learned to deal.”
“This won’t fix the past.” Mina pinched her hands beneath her arms.
“No, but it’ll help to pave the way toward a better future. Isn’t that why we’re here?” Vestra’s voice soothed.
“Fine.” Mina threw her hands in the air.
In that moment she looked like the Mina of years past. Stubborn, scared, lost.
He so badly wanted to wrap his arms around her. Protect her. Instead Ray sat on his hands and bit his tongue.
“Right. Here’s a writing pad and a pen for each of you. Write a letter to the other. It can be from your past self, or from your present self. Address it to the other.”
“I’ve said what I have to.” Mina sulked.
But Vestra ignored her, “It doesn’t matter. Just write, don’t hold b
ack.”
Half an hour and half a writing pad later, Ray handed his completed letter to Vestra, who declined it. “I told you to write it to Mina.”
Ray retracted his arm and glanced at the pages folded neatly into an oblong.
Mina crumpled another page. “For fuck’s sake!” She glared at Vestra then at Ray. “I’m done with this.”
Vestra held both her hands up. “Okay. Don’t give up just yet. Take Ray’s letter. You have tonight and tomorrow to read, digest, and reply. We’ll meet back in my office day after tomorrow where you can give it to him.”
Raymond nodded and cautiously, as though he were handing a feral dog a piece of meat, and passed the letter to Mina who grabbed it, then shoved it in her pants pocket. “Fine. See you day after tomorrow.”
She didn’t give Ray a second glance as she stomped toward the door, slamming it behind her.
“Breathe, Ray. I think you’ve been holding your breath since you walked in. How do you feel?” Vestra offered him a bottle of water.
“I don’t know,” he whispered, looking at the closed door.
“She’s a tough cookie, that one, but she’s never had to face her demons or truly deal with all this shit. You left her; she was pregnant, and then she was a mother who had to cope with the condescending attitudes of a conservative community. A part of her will always be that frightened, heartbroken sixteen-year-old.”
Ray nodded. “I wish …”
“We all do. But don’t get stuck there, my friend. This is all about moving forward. How are the cravings? Do you need extra help?” Vestra offered.
“I can handle them.” Ray stood. “Thanks for this.” He pointed to the writing pads before he walked out and into the humid spring breeze that drifted up off the ocean.
Was he handling this? Right then, Ray felt as though he were standing on a gangplank, staring down at a shark-infested ocean. Well, he’d have to deal with an irate Mina and his past if he wanted to play some part in Lullu’s life.
Road to Redemption Page 7
