“Right.” Shoving to my feet, I place the mostly empty bottle in front of me with some regret. I wish I could bring the rest of it with me to numb what I’m about to endure.
But Jed deserves better.
With that in my mind, I climb the stairs to put on one of the two suits I brought with me.
Kara
“Mom, why are we being stared at?” Kevin slides an arm protectively around my shoulder after he returns from the restroom. Every parent wonders at some point what kind of person their child is going to be. Not me—mine is going to be a protector. Even at fifteen, I can tell that, as he tucks me tighter against his side to guard me from everyone in the room.
Including his father.
Not that he knows John Jennings is his biological father, and if there’s a god watching down on me as the three of us endure the second service to pay tribute to Jed, and in our hearts Dean as well, he’ll pay his respects and never be the wiser.
But there’s not a chance in hell I’ll be that lucky, and I damn well know it. Soon, everything is going to be exposed—the past I’ve tried to move on from as much as possible. Resentment slithers through me, burning away the pain, when I see the picture of Jed’s smiling face. I know I agreed to it, Jed, but why do I have to do this now? I think harshly. Why did I let you talk me into this?
But none of that shows on my face when I reply to my son. “These people are all friends of Jed’s, sweetheart.” I reach up to grab Kevin’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “They’re probably trying to figure out who we are.”
Maris sniffs into her handkerchief. I reach over and pull her closer. She lays her head on my shoulder, her perfectly tamed, glossy hair, in such a contrast to Jed’s wild mane, cascading over the stark black of my funeral attire. We stand there, two women who loved two brothers who still had so much to give the world with so little time, when Kevin’s arm tenses around me. Maris’s head lifts. “Shit. Jacks up,” she says, using the poker vernacular we adapted years ago to refer to when Jennings, Kody, Brad, Nick, or Jed would be about to intrude on our private conversations—more often than not about them.
The old shorthand hurls me back to the day I met all of them sixteen years ago, all ego, all gorgeous, up for a visit where they worked for the Lumberjack Show in Ketchikan. I felt lost among the overwhelming emotions in what was obviously an established family—that was, until Jennings set his sights on me. And I fell for it. And him.
“Would it be completely inappropriate to start a brawl at Jed’s wake?” I mutter as Brad makes an approach with a pale face.
Maris shrugs. “If you can live with that for the summer, then I can.”
Turning, I ignore Brad, who’s almost on top of us. “Whose idea was that, again?”
“Your brother-in-law’s,” Maris says firmly. I’m about to remind her Jed was her brother first, but she holds out her hand saying, “Brad, thank you for coming.”
I move slightly ahead of Kevin, who squawks in protest. Let him be pissed. No one gets to approach my son except through me.
Meanwhile, Brad uses Maris’s extended hand to yank her close. I hear him murmur, “Mar, how…it was out of nowhere.”
A rush of the bonds of the brotherhood Jed would talk about flow through me. It pains me to know they’re hurting in much the same way I am. We’re all on this same path together, but I still have to guard my reactions carefully because I learned there were only a handful of people I could trust my heart to. And the only ones left are Maris and Kevin.
And it’s my duty to allow them to grieve.
Since the night the police showed up at our home to let us know about the crash, I’ve been numb inside. I’ve forced myself to be for Kevin, for Maris, to give them the time to heal. Frankly, it’s amazing I’ve got this far without a complete breakdown. I can’t imagine what’s going to happen after the service tomorrow when… No, I tell myself firmly. It was all Jed asked for, pleaded for.
I can practically hear his voice in my ear whispering, “Give Jennings a chance.”
And I’ll honor his final wishes. Just like I’ll honor the fact that some of the ashes in the urns are Dean’s. After all, Jed was a beloved part of my life. Our lives, I amend silently. If Dean was the only dad figure Kevin’s ever known, then Jed stepped into his role as favorite uncle without a hitch.
As if the cord that once bound his life to mine is transmitting a message, Kevin tugs me closer. With a sigh, I silently wonder when did the little boy who used to fit cradled in one of my arms shoot up to the six-foot boy-man trying to shelter me from the unknown?
Raising my hand, I give his a quick squeeze. “We don’t have to stay much longer, sweetheart.”
“Okay, Mom.” Beneath his stoic demeanor, his determination to be strong for me, there’s still the little boy who’s lost.
But Kevin’s voice snaps Brad’s attention away from whatever he was saying to my sister-in-law. “Kara, I can’t believe it’s you.” The shock in his voice confirms to me Jed kept his promise about us. Jed never told the Jacks about Dean beyond the fact he got married. I know he did that to protect Kevin and me, but now it just seems so useless, such a waste.
With his life cut far too short, I bitterly regret never allowing the Jacks to meet my brother. What would they have thought about the fun-loving man who was a perfect counterpoint to Jed’s wild craziness? Now, I’ll never know.
“Brad,” I acknowledge him with a tip of my head. There’s a reservation in my voice that’s hard to miss, and it causes him to flinch. His devastated eyes drift to Kevin, and they widen almost comically. I want to grab my son and run under the intense perusal.
“You hardly look a day older than when we were all at that last barbecue at the Smiths’ together.” He turns and looks at the urn. “It’s like no time’s passed.”
I make a noise, neither agreeing or disagreeing with him. Above all, I’m not encouraging Brad because to do that means opening the door to everything tonight. And I absolutely can’t do that without preparing my son. Remembering the warnings from Kevin’s therapist about keeping the funeral separate from the impending news of his father, I just pray to God no one makes a scene tonight. This need to prepare him is pressing urgently on me as I’m standing half a room away from the man who changed my life in so many ways.
But Brad chooses to engage Kevin. Holding out a hand, he introduces himself. “Bradley Myers. Jed was one of my best friends. More like brothers, actually.”
Kevin imperceptibly relaxes against me whereas I tense beneath his arm. Don’t, baby! I want to yell. But before I manage to open my mouth, Kevin does exactly what Dean and Jed taught him to.
He politely introduces himself.
“Kevin Malone, sir.” He holds out a hand, waiting for Brad to take it, which he does, astonished.
“Nice to meet you. I swear you remind me of someone I know.” Brad’s eyes dart over to Maris, who’s studiously avoiding his gaze. He turns blue eyes on me to skew me in place even as he shakes my son’s hand before letting it go.
I’m not ashamed by my decisions. For fifteen years, every beat of my heart was for him. And despite knowing I was going to raise Kevin on my own, I tried, for many years, to reach the father of my child before giving up. But Maris, the only living person who knows the truth about every detail, presses up against me to offer her support.
“Kara?” Brad whispers, anger replacing the pain in his voice as he stares at the boy who in a few years I imagine will be the spitting image of his father.
Jerking my hand away, I turn to Maris and answer Brad’s question indirectly. “What time did the pastor want family at the cemetery tomorrow?”
Maris catches on immediately. “The three of us have to be there at nine, so we need to be in the limousine by eight thirty.”
“The three of you,” Brad echoes. His eyes dart back to Kevin, and with that, my nurturing instincts come out in full force.
“Yes, Brad, the three of us,” I clarify brusquely. “My sister-in-law,
my son, and me. Dean, Jed’s husband, was my brother.”
The look on Brad’s face would be comical under any other circumstance. But not now, not when we’re so devastated by loss and trying to maintain a composure none of us truly feel in front of people who just don’t understand.
Including a man standing half a room away and likely drawing conclusions with his friends. I clench my fists so hard my nails dig into my palms.
Brad’s mind finally clears enough to reach out and tug me forward in what looks like an embrace to an observer. Stumbling, I barely manage to catch myself in time to hear him growl in my ear, “There’s no way in hell you’re going to convince me he’s not Jennings’s son. Not when he’s the spitting image of him,” before releasing me and stalking away without waiting for a response.
Not that one’s needed.
I wobble dangerously on my feet. Maris and Kevin both reach for me. “Mom?” Kevin’s face holds too much fear for someone his age. He’s scared by what just transpired and doesn’t have the skills to hide it.
“I’m fine, baby. I just got a bit light-headed.” Stepping back, I turn to Maris to find her shooting glares toward the backs of the Jacks, who are leaving en masse. I touch her arm to get her attention. “Brad guessed?” she surmises as her attention returns to me.
“Oh yeah,” I confirm.
Squishing me tightly to her side, she whispers, “Only a few more minutes, then I’m throwing everyone out.” Muttering to herself, she asks, “I don’t know what Jed was thinking.”
I tell her honestly, “Some days, neither do I.”
Maris pulls me tighter to her, if that’s even possible. “We’re almost done, babe. Then it’s just you and me.”
“And Kevin,” I remind her.
“Think he’s too young for a glass of wine?” she muses aloud.
“Yes!” I say too emphatically, drawing the attention of people around me. I smile weakly to assure them everything is as fine as it can be.
But just then, my eyes catch sight of John Jennings as he’s about to walk out. He looks overwhelmed—more so than when he first walked in. And his eyes aren’t on any of the photos of Jed placed tastefully around the room.
They’re on me.
And they’re devastated. Part of me feels an urge to go to Jennings, to explain, but Nick drags him to the door before I can give into the urge.
Later, I remind myself firmly. Kevin is your priority right now. Let the will be read, and deal with Jennings later.
Hours later, Kevin’s engrossed on his iPad in the basement. I hear a distinctive pop that heralded so many nights Maris and I spent together while I lived here for five of the most life-altering months of my life. When she slides the glass in front of me, I lift it to my lips with a grateful “Thanks.”
She then proceeds to plunk the rest of the open bottle next to my arm. “I’m opening my own,” she declares.
And on a day when I suspect neither of us expected to feel nothing but anger and bitterness, my lips curve. “Talking to you just isn’t the same as being with you.”
Maris lifts her glass and touches it to mine. “I feel the same way. How’s Kevin holding together?”
Knowing he’ll be engrossed for a while, I answer honestly. “As best as he can.”
“He won’t miss his friends while here?”
I wave my hand toward the basement door. “He’ll catch up with them. If he wasn’t, then I’d be worried.”
“You raised an amazing young man, Kara,” Maris compliments me.
I just shake my head. “I had a lot of help, my friend. Especially in the beginning.” My mind flashes back to the days after I first realized I was pregnant, calling my parents, being cut off, then talking to Dean and knowing I always would have my brother. Then there was Jennings and coming to terms with the emotions I had as both a parent and a woman.
As the months, then the years, passed, Kevin and I had nothing but the world before us. Who knew then how life would work out?
“Does being here bring back the memories?” Maris asks.
“How could it not?” Taking a fortifying drink, I think back to the girl I was then. “I had stars in my eyes, literally.”
“You still could have…”
“No,” I say firmly. “Once I knew Kevin was on the way, it was up to me to make a life for us, Maris. I wasn’t about to be separated from my son for months on end while I aspired to do scientific research on Mendenhall.” Taking a sip, I remind her, “Being an intern at the gift shop is a lot different than camping out in a tent with a Coleman as a heat source on top on the far reaches of the glacier for months on end, taking measurements of annual snowfall and looking in a makeshift lab whether the snow crystalized right.” After another drink, I tack on, “I don’t think they deliver Huggies as often as I would have needed them.”
“It was your dream,” she remembers softly.
“I did better than a dream; I grabbed hold of my reality the moment I heard Kevin’s heart beat for the first time,” I whisper fiercely. Staring into the depth of the full-bodied red, I murmur, “In the end, I got to see my brother fall in love. Knowing he had that at the end helps somehow.”
Her hand reaches over and grips my free one. “Knowing Jed had those last few years with Dean, Kevin, you…”
“Maybe it was better they were together when…”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t stop us from missing them.”
“Only every second I allow myself to think of it. What about you?”
Maris shakes her head. “Same. Which is why I don’t allow myself the luxury of thinking. Are you ready for tomorrow?”
“Were we ready the first time?” I ask meaningfully.
“No. But this time, we won’t have a fucking media circus outside the door,” she counters.
“Some parts of it were beautiful,” I whisper. “All of the bar employees, the honor guard from Dean’s coworkers, my former students coming to the memorial.”
“I was floored by how many showed up,” Maris remarks before taking a drink.
“I think every person the three of us ever knew showed up.” I dash tears from my eyes as I recall the line of people who stood in line to pay their respects.
“And Kevin?”
My heart cracks wide open as do the floodgates that I’m sure will open during the service for Jed tomorrow. “I’m glad we arranged something separate for his friends to come pay their respects. I was not about to put those children through…”
“God, I hate this,” Maris spits out. “I’m grateful you’re going to be here for months, that I get this time with you, but I hate why. Their lives were over way too soon.”
“You’re not telling me something I don’t say to myself a million times a day since it happened. But Maris?” Her eyes connect with mine. “After having a front-row seat to a love that beautiful, I’ll never settle for less than what they had.”
Still clinging onto my hand, she lifts her glass. “To finding a love that extraordinary.”
And in the still-freezing air, in a part of the world so beautiful it makes the vow sacred, I touch my glass to hers. “To love.”
Jennings
My guts are tied in knots as we pull up to the funeral home. “A thousand dollars if you turn us toward the airport,” I only half joke.
Brad parks before reprimanding me. “None of us want to be here, Jennings.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to say goodbye to him. It’s just…” I take a deep breath before admitting, “It’s the end of us. The end of the us that we were.”
From the distance, I see a couple of women and a tall boy pull open the glass outer doors. I squint, because the boy reminds me of someone, but I quickly dismiss it before trying again to explain. “Jed was our glue. Next to him, the only thing that keeps me close to being sane is the air. And I have to face the loss of one without the other? You’re asking the impossible.”
Understanding crosses Brad’s face, wiping away the disapproval. B
ut it’s Nick who says, “He’s always going to hold us together. He’s always going to be our glue. No matter what, we’ll never leave him behind because to do so is to forget everything about the crazy bastard we loved.”
Kody’s voice is rough when he says, “The ache we’re feeling is a measure of the love we have for him, for each other. We need to remember that.”
Brad gives a bark of a laugh. “Did you guys get what I left in your rooms?”
Nick reaches over and whacks him upside the head. “You’re such a dick. If anyone ever caught me in Canadian boxers, can you imagine what that would do for my image? My publicist would kill me.”
“So don’t make a spectacle of yourself by dropping trou at the wake?” I suggest. I reach down and slide my dress slacks down a bit to show off my red-and-white waistband.
Kody groans before he pulls his pants down to show the stars on his.
Brad does the same before he says to all of us, but his words pierce my heart. “We’ll never forget Jed because he was the best parts of each of us. So, let’s go honor him by meeting his family.”
“Then let’s get shitfaced,” I mutter, shoving open the door.
If I could have looked at anyone’s picture a week ago and brought them back into my life, it would have been Jed, not Kara Malone. But there she is standing next to Maris. And with both of them huddled in the corner of the room near Jed’s ashes, I’m finding it difficult to make my approach to offer my condolences to Jed’s baby sister.
The years have been more than kind to Kara, I can’t help but notice. Despite her obvious grief, she’s more attractive now than when we dated years ago. Her long, light brown hair which used to flap in the windy Alaskan breeze has been cut to a chin-length bob. Instead of making her look older, it highlights her full lips and enormous eyes, which are no longer covered by large frames, begging a man to ferret out their secrets. Shaking my head, I turn my back toward the duo and ask Kody, “Are we being rude?”
Return by Air (Glacier Adventure Series Book 1) Page 4
