“After all, wasn’t it you who once said me, you, and Uncle Dean all got these silly freckles because our brains must be too big to contain in our heads?” His beautiful green eyes turn like polished jade with the memory. He quickly turns his head away to hide his emotions.
I said that when he was what, four, five? I recall struggling to explain why we didn’t look alike because some jerky kid in his preschool asked where his daddy was. It was the quickest thing I could think of years before a young boy who had plenty of love consciously understood people’s misconceptions about what was “normal.”
It was the first time he ever asked me about his father, but it wasn’t the last. That was this past fall during the genetics portion of his AP Biology class. God, that conversation was much easier to tolerate as I could discuss recessive traits and draw charts to make Kevin understand his parentage. Now, I only can hope he’s open to hearing what I have to say tomorrow when I bring up the man himself. For a moment, fear assails me, causing my feet to stumble.
But my tall, and still growing, son catches me. “Better watch out, Mom,” he warns. “You don’t want to take a fall. It could be nasty.”
Moving ahead of me, he doesn’t hear me whisper, “I already did, but I got you out of it. So, I’d do it over again in a heartbeat.”
Getting my bearings, I walk back into the kitchen to find the sister of my heart eyeing me warily. I barely open my arms before she’s crashing into them. “I’m sorry,” we both cry simultaneously. We both laugh even as we pull back an arm’s length.
Kevin makes a disgusted snort. “Women,” he says before walking past us to the television.
“I don’t think so, mister,” I yell after him. I didn’t raise my son to make a comment like that. Though thinking about it, it’s something my brother would say when Maris and I would be together, so I can’t prevent the ends of my lips curving.
“You ain’t seen nothing yet, bucko!” Maris yells after him. But her own tip up as well.
It takes everything to hold back our laughter at his “Whatever, Mar!”
She sighs, dropping an arm around my shoulder and resting her head on mine. “I love that kid.”
“I know you do.”
“And I love you, Kara. I lashed out because life without Jed…”
“I know. You’re the only person I know who is there for me, no matter what.”
“And I always will be.” A darkness settles between us as those words hold such a heavier meaning now than when she used to say them before. Her voice is pitched low so Kevin won’t overhear. “I’m sorry, Kara. You were right.”
“And so were you.” I know my quietly spoken words shock her. “But I can’t look back. I can only move forward.” Facing my best friend, I push a strand of her hair away from her face. “But right now, there’s only one person who I’m terrified for.”
“Kevin,” Maris whispers.
I nod, before telling her, “I’m taking him out to the glacier tomorrow. I’ll tell him about his father. I’ve never lied to him, and I won’t now.”
“Remember what I said before?”
I hold her gaze as I reply, “All of it.”
She swallows audibly before whispering, “You made the right decisions. You created a life full of love, and that boy in there has wanted for nothing. And no matter what happens tomorrow, Kevin knows, the same way that I do, that he can be angry, disappointed, sad, and you will always be by his side through it all.” She leans over and kisses my temple. “I’m the one who wasted her life waiting for love.” Maris lets me go abruptly as she races for the door.
I’m gaping like a fish behind her, trying to find the right words when she calls out, “Night, Kevin!”
“Night, Maris!”
“Be sure to eat, Kara,” she admonishes. But the light in her eye isn’t because she got in the last word. It’s because we’re okay. And we always will be.
“I will,” I call back, finding my voice. She gives me a wink, her shields firmly in place.
I’m rooted where I stand, worrying about her, about tomorrow. That is until the sound of the TV penetrates, and I demand, “Kevin, what are you watching on that TV?” I yell.
“Oh, come on, Mom,” he whines.
“I don’t let you watch that garbage at home. What makes you think I’m going to let you watch it here?”
“But it’s not blocked out on Maris’s TV,” he says hopefully.
“Because she’s an adult who’s allowed to watch whatever she wants,” I counter.
“Can’t I just watch one episode?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“Do you want all of your television privileges revoked?”
“You’re no fun, Mom,” Kevin pouts before changing the channel.
“No. But I love you very much.” Then I dash upstairs to retrieve my food.
For the rest of the night, we play tug-o-remote until we both call it a night. Reminding Kevin I’m going to wake him up early in the morning so we can go hiking, I hug him. “Dress warm. Night, sweetheart.”
“Night, Mom. Sleep well.”
I doubt I’ll sleep at all, I think as I watch him head down the stairs. But I’ll be thinking of you.
And that’s all that matters.
Kara
“So, what’s so special about this place we’re going to?” Kevin asks on a huge yawn.
My left leg is bouncing up and down. “Hmm?” I answer distractedly, as I lift my to-go cup of coffee to my lips.
“Why are you getting me up at the crack of dawn to go hiking. I mean, jeez, Mom. It’s not like we’re not going to be here all summer.” Kevin reaches for his coffee. “Why did you get the bigger mug?” he grumbles.
I scoff as I take another drink. “Because I’m the mom? That’s why.”
“That’s your answer to a lot of things.”
“It’s worked so far.” I turn left onto Mendenhall Loop and wait for Kevin to put his coffee back down. “I wasn’t much older than you when I realized what I wanted to do with my life.”
“Be a teacher?”
I shake my head as I pull into the visitor parking lot. I park before telling my son, “Drink up. We’ll hit the Visitor Center to get you a pass. You can’t bring anything but water on the trails. It’s bear safety, and it’s serious here, son. Remember that.”
“Bear safety? Like…” he starts to joke.
“Like the kind that are more frequently attacking humans globally. While it’s still uncommon, Kevin, we must be cognizant of what we can do to prevent it,” I advise him seriously. He puts his mug down. “While we’re on the trails, we’re encroaching on their territory. The Tongass National Forest has strict rules about food and no flavored drinks on the trails. Water only.” I turn off the car and open my door.
Just as I do, Kevin asks, “I know you’re a science teacher, Mom, but how do you know so much about—”
Our story starts now. “Because I used to work here a little over sixteen years ago,” I tell him gently.
His gasp echoes in the car. “Mom?” Kevin asks warily.
“Come on, son. We have a long walk ahead of us.” And with legs barely supporting me, I grab the bottle of water I remembered to bring and turn to close the door. Kevin hasn’t moved. His fingers are interlocked on his lap, his breath labored. Finally, he flings off his seat belt and gets out.
I live and die in those first seconds when his eyes meet mine across the roof of the car. It’s like seeing Jennings all over again at the funeral. The exact same eyes, from the color, to the shape, to the emotion riddled with pain and accusation, questioning me without saying a word.
Turning, I hunch my shoulders against the wind and the misty rain that’s decided to accompany us. A plane passes by overhead, preparing to land, reminding me of Jennings. How appropriate, I think sardonically. I look over and see Kevin waiting on the sidewalk. “This way.” I gesture.
Less than half a dozen words are exchanged until after we get h
is pass. Finally, I brush my fingers against his arms gently. He jerks slightly. “Follow me,” I urge him.
Without waiting to see if he’s following, I start walking down Nugget Falls Trail. His long stride has him catching up quickly. I take a deep breath and start talking. “I was twenty-two, about to turn twenty-three, when I started working here. I answered an ad in the paper for a room at the Smiths’ because living in the housing offered for interns was driving me completely batty.”
Even though he doesn’t respond verbally, I can tell by the clenching and unclenching of his fists Kevin’s listening, so I continue. “I also got Maris out of the deal. Your uncle Dean used to joke I should have asked her family for a refund.”
Despite his obvious anger, he admits, “That’s something I can totally imagine him saying.”
“Ask Maris about it. She used to come back with ‘I should go back in time and charge her double.’” I mimic Maris’s voice perfectly.
Both Kevin and I chuckle, easing some of the tension between us. “Did you meet my father here? While working?” he tentatively asks.
“I’ll answer that question, but let’s get a little further ahead in the trail. There’s a special spot I want to get to.”
“Okay, Mom.”
We keep walking a ways. While we do, I fill Kevin in on the parts of my history he may have overheard over the years but never fully understood. Bashfully, I remind him, “You know I was an accelerated student. I had already finished up both of my master’s degrees from UF, was well into my doctorate, when I was offered the internship. I had to work with my professors to end my spring coursework early, but they were thrilled because it would look remarkable on my resume.”
“Is that what you did?”
“Yes.”
“Wow.” Kevin sounds impressed.
I say proudly, “It was amazing. I thought it was my job to be able to talk all parts of the Tongass National Forest. I studied for months so I could answer questions about the glacier, be able to give a presentation at a moment’s notice.” Catching the highly impressed look on his face, I laugh. “Then I found out I would be working in the gift shop.”
Kevin chokes on his laughter. “The…the gift shop?”
A smile breaks out across my face. “I kid you not, sweetheart. Trust me, you will learn more about patience by working in some field of customer service than any other job. I swear it.”
“You used those hard-earned science degrees to sell postcards?” I welcome his wise-ass remark.
“And to point people in the right direction of the bathroom; let’s not forget that,” I add haughtily.
At this point we’ve reached the spot where I always loved sitting when my shift was over at the Visitor Center. “Coming to work every day was a challenge, but I knew that if I persevered, it would lead me right where I was meant to be.”
“And then you had me,” Kevin says flatly.
“And then I celebrated the fact I was pregnant with you,” I correct him gently.
“What?” he asks, confused.
“Kevin, I was in love with your father,” I say softly, admitting something I never told Jennings. Because at twenty-three, who knew what love was? I certainly didn’t until I held his son in my arms.
“You were?”
I curse myself having never told him this sooner, like when Dean and Jed were alive, to help me with some of the questions I’m not going to be able to answer easily. I’m terrified I’m going to have to rely on Jennings to help me navigate the emotions of a teenage boy which, to me, is like jumping out of a plane with no parachute. I swallow all of that fear back and sit down. Patting the spot beside me, I tell him, “Yes, I was. Here, sit down.”
“Am I going to get eaten?” he asks half-jokingly as he drops beside me.
“You run faster than me. You’ll be just fine,” I remind him.
“Mom, after everything we’ve been through, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. There isn’t a chance I wouldn’t try to take on a bear for you. I hope you know how much I love you.” His voice cracks.
“Baby, I love you too.” I can’t not hold him anymore. I rise up on my knees and pull him to my breast, rocking back and forth, just like I did when he used to have nightmares. Just like I did a few weeks ago when nightmares came true and we were told Dean and Jed were killed.
God, I hope he doesn’t associate this story with that. Pulling back, my heart aches more than it already has been with the naked longing on his face. “What’s my father’s name?”
“John Jennings.”
Kevin frowns. “My middle name. Why does that name sound familiar?”
I take in a deep breath and let it out halfway before admitting, “Because you may have overheard Uncle Jed talking about him. He was one of Uncle Jed’s best friends. In fact, he was at the funeral the other night.” I wait for the explosion.
Only it doesn’t come. What does is much worse.
Kevin’s face crumbles. “He was a friend of Uncle Jed’s?”
“Yes. That’s how I met him. When Uncle Jed came home from working as a…” But I don’t get to finish my sentence because Kevin’s scrambling to his feet.
“Uncle Jed knew? Uncle Dean knew? Who else knows? Maris?” His face is set in stone, closed off.
“All of them knew he was your biological father, yes,” I answer cautiously.
Kevin’s face twists into something ugly, but he doesn’t say anything. I give him a few moments before I whisper, “Kevin…”
There’s no way to brace myself internally when he asks me, “So, was it you he didn’t want, or was it me?”
“Baby.” My voice crumbles. “It’s not quite that easy. He didn’t know until Uncle Jed died.”
“How? And I told you, I’m not a baby!” he shouts. The sound seems to permeate the air around us.
“Don’t you realize you’ll always be my baby? You could be two, seven, fifteen, or forty-seven and you’ll always be my baby. One day, you’ll have your family surrounding you, I’ll be old, and…” Suddenly Kevin’s swooping me up in his strong arms, squeezing the living breath out of me. “Whoa, what did I say?” I manage to get out.
“You were talking about growing old. You’re never going to get old.” From angry to panic in one breath to the next. The psychologist warned me he’ll feel the threat of losing his loved ones more severely for some time. “Don’t be surprised if he clings to you. It’s a defense mechanism, Ms. Malone.”
I understand because we’re just two people equally scared by the past, the present, and the future for the exact same reasons.
I hold my son for a long time until he asks, “So, you met my father at Uncle Jed’s?”
Pulling back slightly, I touch his face to smooth out the scrunched-up V in his brow. “You know. You can take the time to think about all your questions if you want,” I offer.
“I want to know as much as you’re willing to tell me,” his says gruffly.
I release his body but not his hand. “I met John Jennings when he and Uncle Jed were visiting Uncle Jed’s family. They were Lumberjacks down in Ketchikan—”
“They worked for a lumbering company?” he interrupts.
“No, Kevin.” A small smile breaks out across my face because although Kevin understands I knew Maris and Jed from working in Alaska once upon a time, this part was never made quite clear. Suddenly, I’m oh so glad I’m the one who gets to be the one who explains it. Uncapping the bottle of water, I take a drink before handing it over. Kevin had just taken a large guzzle when I deadpan, “They were star athletes in the world champion Great Alaskan Lumberjack Show.”
Kevin’s water flies out of his mouth. “Jesus, Mom. You timed that.”
I smirk. “Of course I did, honey. Payback’s tough to swallow. Literally.”
“What does a ‘Lumberjack’ actually do?” he demands.
“Oh, honey.” I smooth a lock of overlong hair away from his face. “I feel like that’s a question you should ask you
r father. But for the love of all things, please ask it while I’m sitting there. And if you have a care for Maris, do it while she’s around as well.”
Our eyes collide and we both laugh before Kevin says, “You got it. By the way, you know who would have appreciated your little revenge?”
And together we say, “Uncle Dean.”
Kevin’s burst of happiness crumbles like the therapist warned me it would. “I miss him so much, Mom.”
My hand smooths up and down over my son’s back. “Of course you do. But you know what your therapist said?”
“Not talking about them isn’t honoring them,” he quotes. “I know. I just get this funny feeling when I do.”
“Grief?”
“No, it’s like I expect them to come drop down on either side of me. Then the pain comes back so fast, it’s like I can’t breathe.” He shakes his head. “Honesty, Mom?”
“Always.”
“I’d begun to think about asking you about my father before this happened,” he admits. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I’m not. He’s growing up to be a man; of course he’d want to know about the one who helped make him. “One of the guys at Scouts was asking why Uncle Dean always came with me. Now, it feels like I’m betraying him—Uncle Dean, that is—to be talking about this John Jennings guy when in so many ways, Uncle Dean was my dad. Does that make sense?”
“More than you can possibly know,” I assure him. “But you know what Dean would have said?”
Kevin shakes his head.
“It’s the same thing he said to me.” Closing my eyes, I can picture my brother holding Kevin on his lap. “Know I’ll always be behind you, but take a chance on what could be in front of you.”
Kevin nods. “Were you scared?”
Realizing Kevin’s switched topics as he’s wont to do, I follow along easily. “About having you?
“Yes.”
“Oh, yeah.” Drawing my knees up, I rest my arms on them as I recount a truthful, but edited, version of my summer in Alaska. How I met Jennings, how I fell in love, and how I left to go home. “I flew home, scared. I had to go. And, Kevin? I needed to tell your grandparents…”
Return by Air (Glacier Adventure Series Book 1) Page 10
