I think about that night, how I’d sent Roger to the dog sitter, then drove into the city and took Vaughn out to the dinner. We’d spent the night at his place trying to reconnect. Well, fucking and affirming how badly we want each other in our lives. We were honest about Corrine. Honest about how much we missed her even though it still hurt to think about her and what had happened. Vaughn opened up about how weird his apartment felt since shipping her things back to her family. I know he feels her ghost in every room of the place.
I think about what that night must have been like for Brook. How she was supposed to have been celebrating her first Valentine’s Day with her new husband. I keep scrolling and see the months and months of posts after Josh’s death where she’s just trying to prove that she’s still alive, still trying to see the good things in life. Pictures of her nieces playing with a fuck ton of dogs. Almost two months of posts of just cakes and pastries, promoting her sister’s farm bakery. I scroll back until I find pictures of her and Josh, pictures I’m sure she’s conflicted about deleting. I find a picture of the ring.
Feeling some type of way about Mom and Dad missing this amazing moment, but I know they are smiling down on me and my amazing husband-to-be. I love you, @JoshDel603_2NYC. Can’t wait to share forever with you.
I keep scrolling. There are more pictures of them together. At Yankees’ games. At her sister’s farm. Shopping for books. Sharing ice cream. Waiting in the line for the latest Stars Wars movie. Josh looks like such a basic white boy, I can’t imagine what someone as amazing as Brook saw in him, but I know what Vaughn would have to say about it. They were in love and it’s not for me to judge how that came to be.
For the first time, I realize I’m pissed at Corrine, not for cheating on us, but for stepping out with someone else’s man. For hurting Brook. She knew better. She knew how that kind of betrayal stung. She’d been cheated on before she met us and we had spent years making up for it. Maybe that’s why I’m so protective of Vaughn. Maybe it’s me with the trust issues. Me with a skeptical eye on this new woman in our lives. It’s not fair. It’s not Brook’s fault and I need to make it up to her.
I switch over to my never-ending conversation with Vaughn and shoot him a text.
Hey babe.
You hear from Brook?
Yeah. She’s back in her apartment.
Got home a couple hours ago.
K cool
Luv u.
<3
I switch over to my conversation with Brook and try to choose my words wisely.
Hey. I’m sorry about last night.
Let me know when you’re cool to
talk. I’d like to apologize.
I wasn’t being fair to you.
I let out a deep breath as those three little bubbles suddenly pop up on my screen. I realize how badly I want to talk to her and how badly I want her to forgive me. I don’t want this thing between the three of us to be over. I blink when I see it, then reread the text that pops up on my screen.
Fuck you, Shaw.
Thirteen
Brooklyn
“Biiiiiitch,” Rayna says, laughing at me.
“What?” I grumble.
“What is with your face right now?”
“Nothing is wrong with my face,” I say, deepening the scowl clouding my expression even more.
“You should see it.” She chuckles again and takes the bowl of chips I hand to her. We were all busy Monday night and missed our regular group viewing of The Bachelorette. We have some catching up to do.
“Sorry. I’ve been cranky as fuck all week.”
“Work stuff?” Rayna asks. She takes care of her grandmother full time and hasn’t worked in an office in years, but she knows being a special victims A.D.A. is literally never sunshine and roses.
“No. It’s—it’s nothing. I’m just pissy, I guess.”
“I thought you’d come back from the Cape so relaxed,” Noa adds. “I’ve only been up there twice for weddings, but it’s so beautiful.”
“No, I had fun. I just—” I shake off the dark cloud that’s been hanging over my head since I told Shaw to blow it out of his ass. “I’m fine. Let’s watch someone else make bad choices.” I pull up the most recent episode in my streaming app and settle in for the worst reality dating shows have to offer. I’m glad I have this. I’m glad I have the girls. It’s not the same without my sister and Claudia, but this bit of normalcy has kept me grounded since everything went to hell. It’ll bring me right back down to Earth as soon as I get over the mistake that was Me, Vaughn Coleman and Volderdick.
I’ve spoken with Vaughn every day since I left the Cape. He checks in on me and I ask him how he’s doing. I sent him some cool Batman art I saw on Twitter and he sent me a hilarious drawing of Thor fucking Thanos. I let him apologize for Shaw’s behavior twice before I told him I don’t really want to talk about it. The day we spent together was amazing. Let’s just leave it at that.
I’m back home, back to work and I think sometime soon I’ll tell my friends and my sisters that I’m ready to start dating again, because I am.
I focus my attention on this chick Stacene who is about to make out with this awful pilot who recited the Pledge of Allegiance as soon as he climbed out of the limo. I’m terrified he’s going to make it to hometowns. Right after the first commercial break, a text vibrates my phone. I pull it out from under my thigh and smile as Vaughn’s name lights up my screen.
Hey sweetheart.
I’m sorry to bother you.
Hey babe.
You’re not bothering me at all
What’s up?
You don’t need to forgive him,
but Shaw wants to apologize to you.
And I think he should too.
I stare at my phone, considering whether or not I’m ready to hear from Shaw again. He does owe me an apology, but if he thinks he can be all condescending and shit, he’s got another thing coming.
I’ll send you nudes if that helps
butter you up to the idea of a conversation.
I cover my mouth as I snort out loud.
Your nudes or his nudes?
Both?
I’ll call him.
Give me a few to consider the nudes.
He sends back a heart and a thumbs up emoji.
“Okay, who are you texting? ’Cause girl, you are blushing.” Rayna asks.
“Phssst. Please. I don’t blush.”
“Fine. Your cheeks just doubled in size. Are you talking to a maaaaaan?”
“I’m just talking to my friend… Coleman. Corny lawyer jokes. It’s all very boring. I’ll be right back.”
“You want us to pause it?” Noa asks.
“Nah. Just tell me what happens.”
I walk into my bedroom and close the door. I take a seat on the far side of my bed, then pull up Shaw’s contact. I’ll hear him out and then I think it’s time for me to end this situation once and for all. We had our fun, but this isn’t sustainable. Between the reality of how we came into each other’s lives, the distance and Shaw’s clear attitude problem, I just can’t. In a perfect world, I’d ride into the sunset strapped to two amazing men. But this is the real world and Shaw is a jerk.
“Brook. Hey.” The sound of his voice makes my stomach clench. The sexy dickhead.
“Vaughn said you wanted to apologize. So apologize,” I say, trying to sound bored. Christopher Shaw isn’t getting under my skin again. No fucking way.
“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t—I don’t think you are any danger to Vaughn and I shouldn’t expect you to be a hundred percent confident in a situation that’s new to you with two men you barely know. We’ve trauma bonded and I think that blurred some lines. It did for me and I’m sorry.”
Okay, well, that was a good apology, but I’m still upset.
“You really hurt my feelings, Shaw,” I say plainly.
“I know. I get very protective of Vaughn sometimes. I was pissed when he reached out to you in the fi
rst place. I love him and I guess, in my pig-headed brain, I think it’s my job to protect him.”
“Well, Vaughn’s a big boy and I think you need to stop speaking for him.”
“Okay.”
“He’s been very open with me. I know he’s vulnerable to heartbreak, but we all are and it was unfair for you to say that shit to me.”
“You’re right. It was.” God damnit. Why is his voice so sexy?
“And I think you need to admit that you’re afraid of getting hurt too. Using the way Vaughn puts himself out there as a shield for your own emotions is not okay. Yes, I want to protect Vaughn’s heart, but it’s strange for you to act like you don’t have one when Corrine clearly broke it.” Okay, maybe that was too far. I bite my lips and listen to beat after beat of silence on the other end of the line. It stretches on so long I double check the display just to make sure he hasn’t ended the call. “Are you still there?”
“Yeah. I’m just swallowing my pride or some shit.”
“Or some shit. I refuse to believe that Vaughn doesn’t call you out when you’re acting like this, ’cause I know he does.”
“He does. Look, you’re right. I am protective of Vaughn, but I was guarding my heart too. It’s why—” he cuts himself off. There’s something he’s afraid to admit.
“Shaw tell me,” I say gently.
“It’s why I wasn’t in bed when you got up.” He’s quiet, but this time I don’t push. His tone is different when he speaks again. Sadder. “Things with Vaughn and I have been kinda fucked up lately and I thought—not that you would fix things, but he wants our shit to be poly. He needs more partners and I didn’t realize I wasn’t ready to spend the night with someone new between us.”
“Oh. Well, why didn’t you just say so? Shaw, I can leave you two alone and we can just be friends. Or I can be friends with Vaughn and continue ignoring you or whatever.”
That makes him laugh. His laugh makes me smile, but only a little. I’m still kinda pissed.
“I’m not trying to be in the way of you or Vaughn figure things out.” I go on. “We tried a thing, just to try it. It clearly didn’t work for you. You try to turn it around on me and now I’m upset and Vaughn’s upset. I’m sure Roger wasn’t too happy about it either.”
“He gave me a lot of shit after you left.”
“I bet he did,” I laugh a little, trying to cover up the way my voice is starting to quiver. I know we can’t keep this going, but Shaw's reaction to and rejection of me still hurts. “I won’t say no hard feelings, but I get it. We can just, ya know, not all sleep together again.”
“That’s not what I want.”
“Oh?”
“I want to see you again. I want to be with you again,” he says.
I wasn’t expecting him to say that at all, but it does change things, ’cause I would absolutely be lying if I said I wanted to quit Vaughn or Shaw cold turkey. I know we can’t skip off into the sunset together and I’ll walk away from them if it’s what they want, but it’s not what I want. I don’t want it to be done even though I know this can’t last forever. Still, Shaw threw down a lot of rules when we were in his sex room of pain and pleasure, and if this is gonna happen, we’re gonna do things on my terms.
“I want to see you without Vaughn,” I reply.
“Okay.”
I know how it sounds, but I’ve made up my mind about Vaughn. If it were just the two of us, I’d be having serious conversations to see how he feels about finding a firm in Manhattan. He’s sweet and thoughtful and goofy. He’s kind to animals, even when they eat his breakfast, and I know Liz would love him. Hell, so would Silas. I can just picture Vaughn asking him all kinds of questions about the farm and giving Silas the space he needs when he’s had enough people time. Vaughn fits my life perfectly. Who I’m not too sure about is his asshole boyfriend.
“The three of us hanging together is a possibility, but you need to give me room to walk away from this, ’cause I don’t know yet. You’re not giving me time to figure it out.”
“That’s fair.”
“I know it is. Jesus, you drive me nuts.”
“Come up this weekend.”
“Um no. I’m going to see my sister tomorrow. Why don’t you come down here the following Friday and we can talk. If we make up, you can sleep on my couch.”
“That’s ten days from now.”
“So? I want to see my sister and her kids. Is that okay with you, sir?”
“Yeah, fine.”
“Good boy.”
“You’re gonna pay for that,” he growls, his voice straining.
“If I let you. Now, I have people over, so I have to go. Go jerk off to the fact that you could be fucking me this weekend if you’d just been nicer and we’d made plans sooner.”
“Bye Brook.”
“Byeee.”
I know I’m being petty and immature, but I don’t care. Shaw hurt me and I plan on being a pain in his ass until I feel better about it.
I know it sounds silly, but the massive wraparound porch of my sister’s farmhouse is my new happy place. As kids, we rarely left the Bronx. Just to visit family in New Jersey and the one summer we went to our cousins in Texas. Liz and I are the Bronx through and through and while I can’t see myself living anywhere but New York, this small town upstate where my sister has settled down with her farmer man is so peaceful.
I look out over their yard where Silas is pushing Princess P on her tire swing, little Iona perched on his hip. Their dogs are skipping through the grass having a grand old time.
It’s a warm summer evening and the sun is still in the sky. I’m already covered in bug spray. Liz is beside me and we’re shucking corn for dinner, including a few dozen more ears to hold Silas over for seven minutes or so. I’m still tense over my conversation with Shaw. I do want to talk to him, but I’m disturbed by how badly I want to fuck him. He upset me and giving him a bit of that back gave me an unexpected rage boner that I still don’t really understand. I want to cuss him out to his face and then sit on that face just to shut him up. It's a fun fantasy, but it’s not healthy. I don’t want a relationship like that.
“Ah Jesus,” Liz suddenly says. I follow her line of sight to her Silas.
“What?”
“No, I just realized something.”
“What?”
“I’m gonna let this man put another baby in me.”
“You are?!” I laugh.
“Yup. I just—TMI or whatever the hell. But he comes home every day after working his ass off and I just can’t keep my hands off him. Even right now. You go to sleep, kids go to sleep and it’s on.”
“One, gross. I don’t need to know you’re fucking while I’m here. Two, that doesn’t mean you need to get pregnant again.”
“Oh, but it does,” my sister says deadpan.
I chuckle and turn back to the corn in my hand.
“I can’t explain it. I mean, it is no walk in the park, but I like being pregnant and just look at him.”
I look over at Silas again. He’s huge, a Brawny paper towel ad come to life, with this chubby cheeked toddler on his hip. He pushes the tire swing again, then strokes Iona’s head before he kisses it. “Okay, fine. He’s a great father.”
“He’s a great father. We have this big house. All this freaking land. It’s not like how we grew up. There’s room for kids to move around here. He told me he was open to as many kids as I want.”
“Well, look at you.”
My sister glances over at me and whatever she sees on my face brings her gently back to Earth. “I know. If the boys at the firm could see me now.” Corporate litigation used to be her bread and butter. Now she’s a full-on farmer’s wife, raising two beautiful girls and six dogs, running her own bakery.
“I’ve never seen you this happy.”
“Shit’s good, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“I don’t know. I figured I’d marry some business jerk, Mr. Big, kinda guy, but like Bl
ack and not afraid of commitment. I never pictured this. It suits me, though. It feels right.”
I just smile and keep my eyes on my corn.
“It’ll happen for you, Brook,” she says softly as she nudges my shoulder. “Soon. I know it.”
“Ehh, I don’t know about all that, but I appreciate the positivity.”
“Things will get better.”
“Will they?” I say, my tone dripping with sarcasm.
“Yeah, they will. You’re amazing.”
“Well, he better hurry up. I slept with Deek a couple weeks ago.”
“Nooo!” Liz yells so loud, Silas, the girls, the dogs and a few random birds all turn and look at her.
“I’m sorry. It’s fine! Everything’s fine!”
Silas gives a thumbs up and goes back to pushing the swing.
“Okay. I’m gonna put my head together with Claudia and Noa, and we’re gonna find you someone. Hell, I’ll even ask Scott. He knows all the big city lawyer types.”
Liz and Silas’s twin brother have a complicated history. Mostly because he’d been in love with her at one point, but hadn’t confessed his feelings until after she and Silas had slept together. Things had been tough, but now Scott was doing his best to be a good uncle. Truth be told, I’d fuck him if he wasn’t a messy douche. He was just as hot as Silas, but the corporate, cleaned-up version, minus the beard and the long hair, with a few Tom Ford suits added. Corporate law fit him a little too well for my liking.
I considered Silas’s cousin for a hot second. A cute, burly Scotsman who used to run the farm’s diner, but he was married to the place and then literally married someone else and moved to Los Angeles. I hear they are very happy. Must be nice.
“I’ll pass. No lawyers for me,” I say, lying my ass off. I’d been sexting with Vaughn just the night before. He’d texted me to say goodnight and somehow got on the subject of what he’d do if he was in my bedroom waiting to tuck me in. I fell asleep with my fingers still between my legs, thinking of Vaughn. And Shaw.
HARBOR: Beards & Bondage Page 13
