“Nothing I ever do is dopey,” I say, instead of answering her question.
I want to come clean, but I know it’s not that simple. The opposite. This is a complicated, fucked-up situation that I know my friends and my sister wouldn’t agree with.
“I—I think Josh broke me.”
“No. Josh absolutely did not break you. You are amazing and whole,” Rayna says.
“Thank you” I say, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. I know she’s trying to help, but this is why it’s hard to talk to people who are trying to be supportive. “Let me say this, ’cause you saying nice things doesn’t change the way I feel.”
Rayna looks hurt at the way I responded to her encouragement, but damn. Denying the way I feel with false positivity isn’t gonna get me anywhere. Noa reaches over and takes my hand. “Keep going, babe. Tell us how you feel.”
“Your girl is having trust issues. Especially when it comes to men who look great on paper. Josh was fantastic on paper.”
“Right,” Rayna says.
“I think I want to give myself permission to just see what’s out there. Not to find the perfect man immediately.”
“Brookie, that’s brilliant,” Rayna says. “I love that idea.”
“Yeah. I think testing the water just for the heck of it might be a good thing for me. But I don’t know.”
“What’s holding you back?”
“Guilt.” And knowing that I’m being a complete dumbass with two men I never should have reached out to in the first place.
“So, are you texting someone you want to test the waters with?” Noa asks.
“Can neither confirm nor deny”
“So yes?” Rayna laughs.
“Whatever.”
“Well, if he turns out to be more than perfect on paper or via text, I look forward to meeting him. What advice did Liz give you?”
“I haven’t really talked to her about it yet. I don’t know. When I go up there, it’s baby time. Not too much time to talk about much else. I don’t mind. I love those chilrens so freaking much. But two small kids and a whole farm and bakery—”
“Yeah it’s a lot,” Noa says. “But you should tell her. I’m sure she’ll want to know.” I lean back and look at her ’cause she’s using her delicate tone.
“Did she say something to you?”
“No, she was just saying that she misses us. The chat isn’t the same.”
“Oh.” She’s right. We all still talk, but ever since she had Palila, she’s been busier. Plus, Claudia spends more than half her life in a different time zone. It’s not the same when you can’t meet up three or four times a week for drinks and foolery. I haven’t told Liz because until this moment I wasn’t sure there was anything to tell.
But as I sit here, my phone burning a hole in my purse, I know that isn’t true. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and why I think it’s anything close to a good idea. But I do know that it’s gonna be hard not to rush home from dinner with the girls so I can talk to Vaughn and Shaw on the phone.
“Try on the blue one,” I tell Rayna. Changing the subject feels like a good idea.
Sixteen
Brooklyn
I pace back and forth in front of my couch. All I have to do is send a text, let Shaw and Vaughn know that I’m free to talk, but I don’t know that I am. What if they want to tell me they don’t want to see me anymore, don’t want to speak to me anymore? Or worse, what if they do? I’d managed to keep my focus on Rayna and Noa for the rest of the evening, but as soon as Rayna was ready to go and Noa said she was also ready to turn in, I’d practically sprinted for the train.
I won’t let the thought fully form, but whatever is bouncing between my head and my chest has notes of ‘I can’t wait to talk to them again.’ I miss them. I need to know what’s on their minds and I’m terrified all at the same time. There’s no future here for us. I still have plans, still want to get married and maybe have a family.
I can’t have that with Vaughn and Shaw. In the long run, they need a full-time kinkstress and I don’t know if your girl is cut out for that kind of responsibility or cardio. But maybe I can have short-term fun with them. Fun and lots and lots of dirty sex where no one puts their long-term feelings on the line. No one gets long-term hurt. I’ve been hurt enough for a lifetime.
Just text them. Pull off the band-aid, I tell myself. I need to sort this shit out, whichever way it’s going. I’ve been in this weird stasis for so long. I need to move forward. I need to stop being afraid. Well, at least, I need to stop being afraid of one phone call. I take a deep breath and send Vaughn a text.
Hey, I’m home and free to talk.
A second later, the Facetime alert starts chiming. For some reason, I panic and hit Reject. I was not expecting video chat. I cannot do video chat.
“Yeah, but you just hung up on them, dummy,” I say out loud. I click back over to my recent calls and call Vaughn back via voice call.
“Hey,” he answers right away.
“Hi, sorry.”
“No Facetime?” he laughs. “I’m sure you look amazing.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m feeling a lot of feelings and if I’m going to be feeling more feelings, I’d rather you couldn’t see my face.”
“Fair enough. Let me put it on speaker.”
“Hey Brook,” Shaw says, his voice still annoyingly sexy. If they are gonna kick me to the curb, I hope they do it quickly so I can start the process of getting over the little things I’m starting to love about them. Like. Like. There’s no love in this equation quite yet. Like is just fine.
“Hey Shaw. So, what’s going on?”
“Not much. Thinking a lot about last night.”
“Oh, word?” I laugh. “Is that what you guys wanted to talk to me about?”
“Kind of,” Shaw says.
“Well, by all means. Please proceed.”
“Shaw and I were talking and the first thing we wanted to do was check in with you and see how you’re feeling,” Vaughn says.
“I feel...okay. I’m trying not to think about how I’m feeling, to be honest.”
“Why’s that?” Shaw asks.
“Don’t wanna harsh my own vibe, I guess.”
“Oh. Well, maybe we should go. Vaughn’s about to harsh all over your vibe,” Shaw says. I think he’s joking a little, but a big-ass knot quickly ties itself in my stomach. My nerves bubble up as a strained giggle. I don’t like it.
“Shaw, shut up. We do not want to harsh anything,” Vaughn says. “We just wanted to have a realistic talk about where we see this going.”
“Oh,” I say. “To be honest, realistically, I don’t see it going anywhere.”
“Oh.” I hate the shocked disappointment in Shaw’s voice, but that doesn’t change the way I feel. Still, whatever rain I’ve sprayed all over their parade doesn’t stop Vaughn from pressing on.
“Let’s talk about that though. How do you see this playing out?” he asks.
“I mean, my vision of things involves some fun for sure, but mostly both of your dicks in my face or in my hands or in my ass. And that’s great. I like that idea a lot. But I don’t know how long that goes on for, you know?”
“Yeah,” Vaughn says.
“I want to get married. The jury is out about kids. Watching my sister go through it twice has changed my outlook on that, but still. I don’t know. I mean, I guess I wish I could deprogram whatever society has drilled into my head. But that’s just the vision I have for myself. I do want a husband. I do want a certain kind of stability and a unit. I want something I can call my own. What you two have is amazing, but I don’t see what I have in mind meshing with what you two have in mind and it wouldn’t be fair to any of us, to set ourselves up for that kind of disappointment. If it got that far, I mean. I guess I just need to be more open-eyed about how I do things for myself this time.”
“Are you interested in casual dating at all? Or are you only interested in dating with marriage in mind?” Vaughn
asks.
That makes me pause. I think back to the conservation I had with Noa and Rayna just hours ago. I want to be practical. I want to be smart. But I also want to give myself permission to relieve some of the pressure.
“No. Actually, I’m not. I don’t have to date with marriage in mind. I probably shouldn’t right now, to be honest.”
“So, you want to settle down, but in the meantime you’d be cool with getting dicked down by two dudes from Massachusetts?” Shaw says.
I laugh even though dread is still sitting comfortably in my gut. “I guess I should have just said that. My bad. I’m still trying to work a lot of things out in my mind.”
“Don’t apologize. We’re talking it out. Expectations are important. Let’s start over,” Vaughn says. “Shaw and I want to keep seeing you as long as you want to keep seeing us, but we want you to be comfortable and we don’t want to get in your way.”
I sit on the couch and consider what I want to say next. I know this is bad and wrong, but I’ve tried the plan. I did everything right. I followed all the steps and look where that got me. Why can’t I have fun with Shaw and Vaughn in the meantime? Why do I have to force myself to be unfucked and lonely until Mr. Right decides to materialize out of thin air? Why am I even acting like I’m ready to go looking for Mr. Right, as if I’d even trust him if he was right in front of my face? I’m definitely not looking for Mr. Wrong. Hell, I can call Deek right now if I’m that bored.
“Brook?” Shaw says.
“Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just thinking. My mind is kinda all over the place. Let’s just play it by ear. How about that? We see each other when we can and if it’s not working, we let each other know. For me, right now though, it is working. I don’t like the idea of not seeing you two again. And Roger. I can’t forget Roger.”
“I think we can swing that,” Shaw says. “And, no, we can’t forget my man, Roger.”
“Wait,” I say. “What about you two? What do you want?”
“I don’t want to put the pressure on myself or anyone else. I miss just having a good time,” Vaughan says.
“Yes!” I say. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to shout. I totally agree. I love that we are being honest with each other, but between our serious, yet necessary talks and the way my friends are handling me so delicately, I feel like I’m not allowed to just have a good time. We can do that together. Let’s just hang out. No expectations. I just—when I am ready for expectations, I want to be clear with them.”
“Shit, I’m down,” Shaw says.
“I am too,” Vaughn adds. Suddenly, I feel so much better. There is space between “forever alone” and sprinting down the aisle and I deserve to occupy that space for as long as I want, with whomever I choose.
“Okay great. How does next weekend look?” I ask. It wouldn’t hurt to get something in the books.
“Next weekend works fine for me,” Vaughn says.
“Me too,” Shaw adds.
“Great. Saturday morning at your place, Shaw?”
“See you then.”
A sudden shyness washes over me and I hate how much it feels like first-date jitters. I need to go. I need to end this call before they experience the panic attack that's rushing for me.
“Wonderful. It’s on my books. Well, I need to get off this phone. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes.”
We say our goodbyes and I collapse back on my cushions, suddenly unable to breathe. Tears rush up to my eyes and all I can think is not again. Not again. I shouldn’t have agreed to this. This planned meeting between the three of us feels different than before. It feels foolish this time. Dangerous, especially for me. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind and cancel. I know I won’t. I want to see them, and I fucking hate just how badly I want to see them. How badly I crave their touch.
I let out a few shaky breaths and pick up my phone. I dig up my last conversation with Claudia and send her an SOS.
I need an adult.
Thank god her kinky-ass husband doesn’t have her tied to a chair or a tree or something because she responds right away.
I’m an adult, sort of.
What’s going on?
I’m about to do
something stupid.
How stupid are we talking?
Very stupid.
Give me a minute.
And I’ll call you.
A minute later my phone rings. My breathing has slowed, kinda, but odd tears are still leaking from my eyes. I hate this feeling so much. Claudia skips the pleasantries and gets right to it.
“Like stupid stupid or stupid illegal?” she says.
“Not illegal, just exponentially foolish.”
“Okay. Shep’s out with the dog, so I got some time. Go for it.”
I tell her everything. Well, mostly everything. I don’t rehash the intimate details of each time I’ve been with Vaughn or Shaw, together and separately.
“Okay,” Claudia says. “And you called me ’cause I made my own personal trauma buddy into my husband.”
“Jesus, I hadn’t thought of that. I called you ’cause I knew I could tell you the truth. You—”
“I lost someone I love in a super fucked-up way.”
“Yes. I was thinking of Miles.” It sounds almost made up, but Claudia and her brother were hunted through a national forest by literal serial killers and her husband Shep was the one who saved her. Poor Miles wasn’t so lucky. She has experience with moving on and finding love after something so extreme. It didn’t even dawn on me that she found love with the one person who also survived that night, maybe ’cause I’m not looking to fall in love. I just want permission to be a little reckless. I want someone who I know will hear me. “Noa is being too nice and Rayna—”
“Isn’t actually listening to you?”
“Yes!” I laugh. “I knew you were the right person to talk to.”
“There were more than a few times when I’d be talking to her and Liz about my issues with Jason.” Her asshole ex that we most definitely hated. “And she would say something about him being supportive after Miles died which he actually wasn’t. It was really annoying.”
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t want to cause any ripples in the group chat, so I left it alone. We’re fine now, though. What about Liz? Did you tell her?”
“Uhh… no? Too close to home, maybe. I don’t know.”
“And you know she’d fight you ’cause you’re her world and she loves you. And yeah, this might be a stupid idea.”
“I mean, Silas and the girls are her world, but yes, she would definitely have something to say about it.”
“Well, if you want my advice, I think you have to do it.”
“You do?” I say. I’m actually shocked. “I thought your brilliant hindsight would tell me to go running in the other direction.”
“That’s the smart move, but my brilliant hindsight also remembers what I felt like when I showed up looking for Shep again. I remember booking my flight and not telling you guys I was flying back to the scene of the crime to ask a man I barely knew to hug me ’cause I know you would have talked me out of it.”
“I would have asked to come along.”
“I know you would have,” Claudia laughs. “But Liz was not pleased with me at all.”
“No, she was ready to fuck you up.”
“Okay, how about this. In the interest of your safety, give me their info so at least one of us knows where you’re going and who you’ll be with and then I think you have, let say, two more weeks, and then you have to tell your sister if you think you’re going to keep seeing them.”
“I mean, I’m not seeing them. We’re just hanging out.”
“Hmm. Sure.”
“Whatever, bitch,” I laugh.
“You have fun with your little friends, but work up the courage to tell your sister. Even if nothing happens, she’s gonna be pissed if she finds out later. And hurt.”
“You’re right.”
“In the meantime, work your shit out. Trust me. It’s part of the process. You’ve done the mourning. It’s time to do something stupid. It’s another signpost on the road to better health.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Let’s go with that.”
I spend the next six days asking myself what the fuck I’m doing. I need to take care of myself and move on, but then I have another dream about Josh and when I’m awake, Vaughn is sending me texts and Shaw is waiting until I’m home from the office to send me lewd photos. I can’t think clearly, but whenever I think I’ve come to a decision, Claudia’s words ring truer than ever. I’m going through with this for now. Of course I am. This messy-ass shit with two men is now a part of my process.
The door is already open. I’ve already walked through it. There is no back, only forward, toward something good or another implosion. When I wake up early Saturday morning, not going is not an option. My alarm goes off and I’m in the shower. I’m gathering my things. I’m sending Claudia a text telling her I’m leaving. When I get into my car, I’m grateful that Noa has plans this weekend with her cousin, Rayna is still away at that wedding and Liz is busy with some toddler birthday business. No one will miss me. I’m free to be stupid as can be all weekend long.
I head toward the Cape, watching the scenery change from city to tree-shrouded highway to the low-grass beaches and tall pine trees that bring me to Shaw’s farmhouse. Something about it calms me and terrifies me all at the same time. What would it be like to have this as a place to go week after week? What would it be like to call this place home? I imagine the calm lasting. A promise of a good time. Vaughn’s gentle care. And Shaw’s ability to make me want to jump him and punch him in the face, all at the same time. What would it be like to really know them, to have them to depend on? I blink hard as I pull down Shaw’s street and force that thought to the realistic part of my mind. Maybe Mr. Right has all of those things rolled into one man. With the tattoos too. Definitely with the tattoos.
HARBOR: Beards & Bondage Page 16
