“Some things he shouldn’t have and some things he wasn’t entirely wrong about.”
“What the—”
“Shaw.” I put up my hand to stop him and he goes on. He hears the A.D.A. tone I haven’t shaken from my voice yet. I’m going over every angle of this, trying to think if it will be worth it for Detective Jansen to bring this up as evidence in an integrity review. The case against Ryan Morgan is closed, but if they feel strongly enough to start looking around, they can and none of us need that right now. “Let’s just go and I’ll explain on the way.”
And I do, leaving out as much emotion as I can, trying to make them both see how Detective Jansen can approach this nice and legally. They aren’t psyched about it, but both of them understand how serious this is, how serious it can be. When Shaw lets me into the house, I go right to the spare room and grab my things. They are still standing in the driveway when I come back down. Roger has joined them.
“Listen, I know how the system works and I know how all of this feels and sounds, but there is a chance they might want to talk to you two again. I know you want to fight Jansen right now. Like, really fuck him up. So do I. But please. Just cooperate, please. I will do everything I can on my end.”
“We didn’t fucking do anything,” Shaw says.
“I know we didn’t, but it’s kind of out of our hands now. I take the blame for this. I knew better and I...anyway.” I sigh and smile at them both. It’s a sad, pathetic smile, but it’s all I got. “I had an amazing time.” They both step closer and I stand up on my tiptoes and kiss them both on the cheek. There’s nothing left to say. Once I get in my car, we all know I won’t be coming back.
Twenty
Vaughn
I’m about to leave my office when I get a text from Shaw.
No traffic. I’m here.
Leaving now.
It’s been a long week. I’ve done my best not to reach out to Brooklyn. I want to check and see if she’s okay. I want to know if Detective Jansen or anyone from his department has contacted her, but I can’t, not with the way she left things. She’s done with us. That much was clear from the eerily calm way she got the hell out of town. What we did wasn’t smart. Were we free to do it? Yeah. Still, I think all three of us knew we were playing with a certain kind of fire. I’d happily punch Detective Jansen in his smug face for the way he ambushed us like that, but after Brooklyn explained more about how he’s actually free to submit a review of evidence if he has any suspicion that the three of us had something to do with what Ryan Morgan did to Josh and Corrine, I really saw the weight of what we’ve done.
It wasn’t farfetched in theory. Scorned lovers have killed for less. I know we did nothing wrong and that we have nothing to hide, but I understand how it looks. I also know how cops work. Jansen could just want to see us locked up for the hell of it. So, Brooklyn pretty much made it clear she was done with us. It’s the right decision, but the pain that’s been following me around all week makes me realize that I was starting to fall for Brooklyn Lewis. Now seems like a great time to start getting over her and I’m glad I don’t have to do it alone.
Shaw and I had already planned to spend the long weekend with my mom and her boyfriend. Take in some fireworks and eat our weight in barbecue. Try not to think too much about the bullshit legal trouble we might find ourselves caught up in.
“Yo.” I call out.
“In the kitchen,” Shaw says. I take off my shoes and set them in the shoe rack in my entry closet, then head through my apartment to the kitchen. Shaw is busy looking through the fridge. I walk up behind him and he turns his head just enough for me to kiss him. “Hey. You want a beer?” he asks.
“Yeah, thanks.” He grabs two cold ones and uncaps them with the bottle opener on his keychain before he hands one to me.
“Roger all good?” I ask before I take a seat at the island and chug half the bottle before coming back up for air.
“Yeah, I dropped him off with the boarding spot this morning. They’re gonna play music for the dogs during the fireworks.”
“I’m sure he’ll like that,” I say, smiling at the thought of Roger vibing out to some calming tunes.
I watch Shaw take a sip of his beer before he sets it down. He leans against the counter and scrubs his beard.
“How are you doing?” I ask him.
“You know. Have you heard from her?”
I shake my head. “I would have told you if I had.”
“Do you feel like you’re wasting your time with me?” Shaw says suddenly. I carefully set my beer down and stare at him.
“No. I don’t feel that way at all. I love the hell out of you.”
“We’ve been doing this a while and I didn’t know if you were sick of waiting for me to, like, commit and shit.”
“You’re not committed to me?” I ask, my eyebrows going up. “That’s news to me.”
“I am. I love you, too. I know I give you shit about wanting to get married, but I know you want certain shit and I want to be the one to give those things to you. I just—” He scrubs his hand down his whole face this time. I think I know what he’s trying to say and I know why it’s so hard for him to say it. “It’s not you.”
“I know it’s not.” I chuckle a bit, but I know he’s serious. “I know what kind of partner I’ve been. It would be pretty fucked up if you had some theory that I’ve done you wrong.”
“I know, I know. You’ve been patient as hell with me. I haven’t done the work yet and I didn’t think I would have to. I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone worthy of doing the work for. Of dredging all that shit up and trying to fix it. I’m sorry I didn’t see that I need to do the work until now.”
“I appreciate you saying that, but that’s how life works and I don’t want you to apologize for developing some issues after your own parents—shit, most of your family—turned their backs on you. But we don’t have to get married if you’re not ready. I want you to be in a good place for you. If you’re ready to start talking to someone about how commitment makes you want to run, I think you should.”
“I am—I’m ready.”
“That’s great. And if you get to a place where marriage is something you want, then let’s do it. If not, that’s okay too. I don’t feel like I’m settling for you, Shaw. I know I’m not. I’m still figuring this out too, but the constant thing I see here is how much I want to be with you. And I don’t see that changing. What’s making you say all this?”
Shaw shrugs and takes another sip of his beer before he goes on. “After Cor I felt—you pulled away.”
“Because I was sad. And I was lonely here without her. I still am. And that doesn’t mean I want you to give up your place and move here, but—”
“You want more.”
“It’s not more. It’s a community, I want. A Unit. So I don’t have to put all of my needs on just one person.”
“But you still want me?”
“Always.”
“‘Kay, cause I do love you and shit, and I want you to have as many healthy relationships as you need to get right.”
It’s actually a relief to hear Shaw say that. I know it’s possible to make a polyamorous relationship work. But like any other relationship, for it to be good, it requires the right place, right time, right combination of people with the right amount of give and take. That’s lightning in a bottle and, as I creep closer to forty, I think I know it might be harder for me to find that special mix of people, but knowing that Shaw will still be there for me, makes it more bearable. Corrine is gone and Brooklyn can’t be a part of this situation anymore. I know I need more time to heal, but hopefully someday soon, we’ll meet the person or persons who make this all right.
“Were you thinking about this the whole drive here? That you might not be enough?” I ask Shaw.
“I’ve been thinking about this since you left Sunday night. I saw how happy Brook made you and, I guess, I thought she was aight.”
“Just aight?” I laugh.<
br />
“I’m not copping to anything else.”
“Okay. Go on.”
“I just want to make sure you’re happy with me.”
“Look, I miss Brooklyn. Part of me still misses Corrine. I’ve even thought about moving to a new place. Some place she and I didn’t share together. You and I have been pretty open with each other, but we haven’t had real conversations about our future. If you want a future with me, that’s what I want with you, and I think it’s just the human experience to figure the rest of this shit out as we go along. Does that work for you?”
“Yeah,” he says. “I think I might call my pops.”
Another bit of shocking news. “To say what?”
“Not sure. I might just cuss his ass out. I’ll figure it out.”
“Well, I’m here if you want to work out a script beforehand. I’d love to cuss out your dad.”
He looks at the floor and just nods. He’s done with this conversation, which is fine. I think we’re on the same page. I need a little time to get Brooklyn out of my system and I just have to accept the weird rolling trauma that still pops up when it comes to Corrine. That doesn’t change the fact that we still have each other and a whole weekend to spend together.
“You want to order dinner or walk somewhere?” I ask him.
“There’s fucking tourists everywhere. Let’s order.”
“Okay, let me just change.” Just then, my cellphone rings in my pocket. I pull it out and a nerve in my neck pinches on itself when I see the name on the screen. “It’s Brooklyn,” I say.
Shaw sighs. “Answer it.”
I hit accept and put it on speaker phone. “Ms. Lewis.”
“Hi Vaughn.” Her voice sounds strange and overly cautious.
“I’m here with Shaw. You’re on speaker.”
“Oh, hi Shaw.”
“Hey Brook.” He’s looking at the floor.
“I won’t keep you guys. I know you’re probably ready to get your Fourth of July weekend started, but I just talked to Detective Jansen. I don’t think he planned on calling you guys, so I thought I should.”
“What did he have to say?”
“They aren’t going to open the case up for review.”
“Work your D.A. magic?” Shaw says. Brooklyn lets out a nervous laugh.
“Not quite. He did come down and interview me again, but I reminded him that they’d already reviewed all of my phone records and stuff the first time around. The fiancée is always a suspect and they had cleared me. And, I reminded him that Vaughn never would have found me without the information he and his partner gave him.”
“That is true,” I say.
“In any event, it’s over. They won't be bothering you. I just wanted to let you know so you weren’t walking around looking over your shoulder for however long.”
“We appreciate that.”
There’s silence on the other end. I know there are things I want to tell her, but I don’t get a chance.
“You two have a good weekend,” she says.
“You too,” I say. And she ends the call.
Brooklyn
“Everything still in the linen closet?” I whisper as I follow Liz up the stairs. I’d planned to come up to see her on Friday morning and stay until Sunday, but as soon as I got off the phone with Vaughn and Shaw, I felt like I was climbing out of my skin. I called my sister and told her I was coming up early and then I got on the road. Not that I can escape my thoughts, but it will be harder to have a full-on mental breakdown, complete with screaming and crying, when there are two small children down the hall.
“I’ll get it.”
“No,” I say, playfully nudging her out of the way. “I’m the one who came early.”
“Whatever. Come on.” I follow my sister to the closet where she keeps the spare sheets and blankets, then head down to the guest room furthest from the girls’ rooms. It’s not super late, but the babies have been asleep for a few hours. Definitely no need to wake them up with any loud talking. I set down my bag and start to help my sister make the bed.
“How was traffic on the way up?”
“Not too bad. I think I made decent time.”
“This way, you can sleep in in the morning.”
“Oh, you think Iona is going to let me sleep in?”
“Well, no. And if she doesn’t wake you up, I’m sure one of the dogs will.”
“Charge it to the game, I guess.”
Liz shakes her head and smiles as she grabs a fresh pillowcase.
I grab the top sheet like it’ll give me the courage to finally come clean. “I have something to tell you and before I do, I think I should also tell you that I already told Claudia because I needed to talk to someone and I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“I think I know what you just said, but go ahead and tell me the thing. I’ll try not to be offended that you told my best friend first.”
“Whatever. Claudia is the group's best friend. She’s the prettiest and the smartest and the best dressed.”
“Ugh, please don’t remind me. I never want to see another stiletto for as long as I live, but I do miss a good Fall cape. No appreciates a Prada cape around these parts.”
“You look amazing in capes,” I say, before I take a deep breath and tell her everything. Well, kinda. I leave out the details of the sex, but that I was fucking two guys at once is enough to drive the point home. I power through, watching her face as her expression goes from wide-eyed shock to straight-up cringing. We’re not even making the bed anymore, she’s just standing there with the other pillowcase in her hand, staring at me. When I get to the part where we were confronted by Detective Jansen before our breakfast had arrived, I think she might kill me.
Her mouth drops open and she turns into my mother right before my eyes. Hands on hips, ‘I’m gonna fuck you up’ glare and everything. “Brooklyn Rosemary Lewis.”
I grab the sheet and fluff it out over the bed. “This is why I didn’t tell you. I don’t need a lecture. I know I fucked up. I know how stupid I look right now.”
“I don’t think you look stupid. I think you sound so dick drunk, you left all of your sense at home. How am I supposed to react to this? Like, for real. Put yourself in my shoes. You know exactly how far you’d drag me and for how long.”
I sigh and bite the inside of my lip.
“Okay.” She sits and holds out her hand. “Come here, Brookie. Come sit with me.”
“No. I hate you,” I whine as I come around to her side of the bed. I sit beside her and let out a shuddering breath.
“How can I be more supportive?”
“You’re not being unsupportive. I just—” The tears are welling up in my eyes. I quickly dash them away. “Ugh, I fucking hate this.”
“Why are you crying? Are you crying ’cause you’re a sloppy bitch who got caught being messy as hell with two dudes? God, you slut,” she teases.
“No. That’s not it. Not exactly.”
“Are you crying for Josh? Are you crying because of Vaughn and…”
“Shaw. Chris is his name, but he goes by Shaw.”
“Because of Vaughn and Shaw.”
“I don’t know. I think it’s all of it. I want to be over Josh. I hate thinking about him. I hate that there’s, like, a specter of him behind every decision I make. I hate how every relationship I have from now until forever, I’ll be thinking about what if, what if, what if with Josh. I’ve stopped blaming myself for what happened, but I still think about him way more than I’d like to.”
“And now there’s two more men.”
“Two. More. Men. And they are actually here. Shaw is, oh my god. You’d want to fight him. He’s like Silas and Maya mashed into one person, turned up to eleven. Grouchy and sarcastic.” Liz looks at the wall and I think she’s trying to picture her gruff husband crossed with her hilarious best friend on the farm and coworker in the bakery. “Yeah, I don’t know. That’s a lot.”
“He’s amazing in bed, though,” I
sniffle. “Just the bees knees.”
“Okay,” she laughs. “And what about Vaughn?”
“He’s—Vaughn’s just the best. Liz, he’s like the nicest man I’ve ever met. Sweet, tall, slim. He wears these wire-rim glasses that are always slipping down his nose. It’s cute as fuck. And he really, really wanted to take care of me. He’s so thoughtful.”
“Oh, you know I love a tall-slim. Remember Karick?”
“Yes,” I manage to laugh. Liz’s tall, skinny boyfriend from high school was a lanky, goofy fool who ran into the night with Liz’s virginity and her heart. She probably would have married him if his family hadn’t moved away. “Vaughn reminds of him, a little, but he’s sweeter, if you can believe it. He’s an attorney, too. So, we have that in common. Kinda.”
“Okay. So, a sarcastic ass, which is truly what you deserve, a little taste of your own medicine. And a complete sweetheart who passed the bar.”
“Yup.”
“Okay. It seems like the cops are going to leave you alone. If this wasn’t the messiest of messy situations, would you want to get back together with them?”
“I think that’s the problem. We were all pretending it was just sex. I didn’t let myself think it could be something more.”
“Well, if it could?”
“I’d want to keep them both, like forever, but I don’t know how to do that. People can say they are so open minded, but I don’t want to lose my job ’cause I have two boyfriends. I feel like if I tell them how I feel, I’d just be fucking up all of our lives. Well, mine and Vaughn’s. Shaw’s perfectly fine with his isolationist woodworking.”
“Right, I forgot you actually enjoy your job,” Liz says. She had no problem leaving corporate law to become a baker and marry her farmer man. She’d hated her job and her firm. “Here’s how I see it. If you really have feelings for them, you should tell them and the three of you should give this a real shot. If they aren’t into it, then you have your answer and you can step back. When you’re ready, we’ll help you find someone great. I mean, I never liked Josh.”
HARBOR: Beards & Bondage Page 20
