She’d sent a few back from the festival. And then later, a couple of pics of August, Catalina and Diego swimming in the pool. She’d been swimming too, wearing a crochet black bikini.
And he’d missed it.
Irritation mounted.
The day had gotten away from him. The words he wanted hadn’t come. So he was trying to get some answers by working on repairing the bistro table he’d made her. The swelling of the wood had reduced. He was going to start sanding it, just to see where that got him. Maybe he’d inlay some metal or local stones in with the wood. Make it more Texan. Durable.
Cruz wanted certainty. He couldn’t promise her that. No one could. But he could promise her he’d do his best.
He could only hope that would be good enough.
*
“Hi, Axel.” Cruz had been sitting on the outdoor patio, watching the sunset.
She looked beautiful, bathed in gold. She wore jeans and a soft blue T-shirt that advertised the Last Stand Bluebonnet Festival.
“Looks like you’re settling in,” he said, searching her expression, trying to get a handle on his reception. “I like the shirt.”
“I had to buy one. I spilled a lot of wine today. Thought I’d be pulled over and given a DUI just because of the way I smelled.”
“You always smell good.”
“You’re biased,” she said.
“True.”
“Are you hungry? I saved some dinner for you—spaghetti with meatballs and grilled veggies and bread. I can heat it up.”
He hadn’t eaten because his gut was in knots.
“Maybe later. I want to talk about today—this morning.”
“Yeah. It started out weird. You really shocked me. And the day just got weirder. Remember when I was looking for a house and talked to Hannah?”
“Yes,” he drawled cautiously.
Damn.
“I was talking to my friend Shell—the one I was supposed to live near in the little studio behind their rental? Well, the house is still not done. That’s no surprise to you, I’m sure.” She rolled her eyes and Axel felt his chest fill with dread.
“About that…” She waved her hand and interrupted him. “They found a house they like better and they can pay month to month. It’s Hannah’s house. But she told me…”
“I know,” Axel interrupted, his voice heavy with regret. “I can explain. I asked her for a favor. I asked her to not rent to you.”
Chapter Eleven
For a moment Cruz didn’t react, and his dread drained a little. Perhaps she wouldn’t be as angry as he feared. She’d always been so proud, so independent, so quick to react if she thought she was being treated unfairly or rudely.
“Why?”
Damn. The tone. Glittering eyes. Not good.
“It was wrong. I know it. I knew it was wrong when I did it.”
“But you still blazed in, Axel to the rescue.”
“No. It was more selfish than that.”
She put her wineglass down and crossed her arms.
“You hadn’t seen me in seven years. Seven years you never once tried to contact me. Yet within the span of an hour or two, you were already trying to dictate my life.”
Yes.
“I didn’t dictate your life when we were together.”
Cruz made a face. “You would have, if I’d given you even the slightest opening.”
“I’m not sure where that is coming from,” he finally said. “Or going.”
Except off a cliff.
Cruz waved her hand impatiently. “Proceed. You decided, what, that you wanted one last tumble before you moved on to your perfect wife and two kids? Tell me, was it one boy and a girl or two boys? Oh, I forgot—you never wanted children. Yet within an hour of seeing me again—me with a son—you decided you wanted what, a reunion tumble, so you manipulated me and trapped me on your ranch. Total cowboy move!”
“Yes,” Axel admitted. “A dumb one.”
Although one of his ancestors had actually kidnapped his bride from where she was making tortillas at her family’s small restaurant and had ridden hard for over an hour to the nearest courthouse. It probably wasn’t the best story to share with Cruz right now.
He hadn’t trapped her.
“I wanted time with you,” he confessed.
“Why?”
The why was screamingly obvious. Did she want him to say it? To grovel out here on the patio, while she vibrated with anger and looked so beautiful, his eyes hurt.
“Seriously, Axel.” She took a step toward him. “Why that way? Why not just let me settle in and then ask me out on a date or for coffee or something?”
Her large expressive eyes were like the night sky, and he felt captured.
“I wanted time with you,” he repeated. “A chance.” He felt frustrated. There had to be words he could use that would explain this, that would soothe her so she didn’t walk away. “And I couldn’t stand the thought of you living in such a dump.”
She laughed. “Seriously, I’ve lived in a lot worse.”
“You deserve better.” His hands went to her shoulders to hold her in place. “I didn’t think of it as tricking you—not at first. I wanted to offer you something better. And I didn’t do it so you’d sleep with me.”
“Totally altruistic.”
“I admit it was wrong.”
“Why wait to tell me?”
“I…it was wrong.”
“I know. Tell me why you did it.”
“Does that matter?”
“To me, it does. You gave me a ring, Axel.” She glared at him. “You said it was a sign of commitment. How can I commit to someone I don’t know or who doesn’t know me? If we’re going to be together, then we need to communicate. Not obstruct. And you obstruct. A lot. So, say what you think. Say what you feel. Don’t give everyone the cowboy glower.”
She stared at him, waiting for him to say some magic thing that would make it all better. But he had nothing. He’d tricked her because he wanted her. He still did.
“You gave me a ring. That should mean something.”
“It does,” he said after a long while.
She wasn’t wearing it. She might never wear it. And he’d have to continue on for the next seven years, living them as he had the last.
“I didn’t want to trap you. I wanted you to have a safe place to stay.”
“You wanted another chance, Axel. It was like a game to you.”
He shook his head, refuting that. He felt like he was fighting for his life, for the future he suddenly could see just slipping from his grip.
“You used your knowledge and influence to play us, but you weren’t just dealing with my heart.” Her voice was grim. “You played with Diego’s heart, too. You drew him in, to draw me in.”
“I couldn’t help it. I never thought I could have you. I never thought I could have a son and for a moment, a tiny moment, I thought maybe…just maybe, he was mine. It was like the world opened up. I was on the inside. I shouldn’t have done it. I should have told you. I intended to this morning, but…”
Some of her anger bled away.
“It’s so hard for children to lose an adult,” she said.
He knew that lesson too well.
“I didn’t date because I didn’t want to bring men in and out of his life. I was so focused on school and work and being a mom and getting ahead, but still, I had opportunities. A lot of them. But I dropped my guard with you. Why? Because you are the strongest man I’ve ever met. When you give your word, you mean it. You know what you want, and you figure out how to make it happen. You don’t give up. And now that trust is gone.”
“Gone?” He struggled to keep up. He’d thought what he’d done had been morally muddy at best.
“You treated Diego like an experiment.”
“No.”
“We were a sociological experiment—what was it like to play dad? Could you hack it?”
Her expression was tight, and she shrugged out of his ho
ld and crossed her arms, her expression clearly challenging.
“That’s not what I did.” But maybe he had. “That wasn’t my intention.” He ran his hand through his hair.
“It feels like it.”
“Cruz. I never meant to hurt you or Diego.”
“You can’t play with a child like that, Axel. You can’t play with me like that. But I’m a big girl. It hurt when we broke up, but I got over it. I moved on and made a life for myself and for Diego.”
Every word was like a fist to his sternum—he hadn’t moved on. So many words pinged around in his head, but he rejected them. But he had to be honest with her. Take the risk that he hadn’t before.
“I moved,” he said slowly. “I came home, finished raising Anders and rebuilt the ranch, making it stronger than it had ever been. But I never moved on from you. Other women just felt wrong.”
She cocked her head and studied him. He had never felt so vulnerable in his life, and it took all of his willpower to keep still, to let her see what she’d done, the power she still had over him. Because he’d never told her. Not once. Not even when she’d whispered it to him one June night after they’d made love under a blanket of stars.
“Axel,” she said softly. “You were just killing time with me on the Texas rodeo circuit. I was young and we had fun. We didn’t want the same things.”
“I wanted you, any way I could have you. But I didn’t think I could. The men in my family, they love their wives but something happens—they die or run off or lose a child and can’t cope and the men succumb to addiction. It’s like a curse. I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want to risk you.”
Her eyes searched his. “You can’t possibly believe that,” she said coming toward him. “This is a place of joy and strength and determination. I feel it. Bad things happen to everyone. That’s just life, Axel. Good things also happen. God, I was so envious of you.” She smiled sadly. “You came from a family. You had siblings. You belonged. My dad always made me feel like a burden. I worked hard to try to get him to notice me. To like me. And we moved all the time. I never had a home or a family. Diego’s my home now. I have to protect him. I can’t casually risk his heart while we figure out if there’s anything left of us.”
“There’s definitely an ‘us,’” he said quickly.
“Maybe,” she admitted, but she didn’t sound happy. “But I can’t risk Diego on a maybe.”
“Life’s a maybe.”
“That’s too wobbly for me.”
“Cruz, I’m sorry. I didn’t think…”
She held up her hand. “I know. That’s my job. And I let you swoop in and take over. You’re very good at that. But I don’t want to be selfish. I need to think things through.”
“Understood. I’ll stay down at the bunkhouse. I won’t bother you.”
“That’s not fair to you. This is your home, your ranch. And August is trying his best to repair his relationship with you. You need time with him.”
“He is not trying to repair anything with me,” Axel dismissed.
“You’re wrong, but that’s between you and him. As for me, I need to protect Diego. He’s getting so close to all of you. I can’t stay if it ends up not being the right thing for us.”
“That’s why I didn’t tell you about Hannah and the others.”
“You told other people not to rent to me?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t you think that was overkill?”
“Apparently.”
“Axel.” She sat down again. “I don’t know what to do with you.”
Keep me.
“But until I do, Diego and I will go to a hotel. Maybe we’ll find a short-term rental, unless you are in good with every landowner in town.”
“Cruz, you don’t have to do this.”
“I do. And I will. I’ll be in touch.” She walked toward the house, her steps determined. Then she paused. “Thank you, though, for wanting to look after me. No one ever did that before. But I need to know that I can make a life for myself and Diego on my own. I don’t want to be dependent.”
*
Cruz finished with her patient in the OR after consulting on post-operative care with the surgeon. She peeled off her gloves, tossed them in the biohazard bin and finished charting. She had a few minutes to grab a coffee before she was due to check in with her next patient.
She really loved her job here. It held just enough challenge to keep her on her toes and it was mentally engaging. The work filled her with a sense of purpose. And she loved the sense of camaraderie among the staff. Lots of families surrounded the patients, which hadn’t always been the case at the big city hospital in Denver where she’d worked before.
Today though, she felt sluggish. She hadn’t slept much—her mind kept deliberating about what she was going to do about Axel. Damn the man for being so…so…everything. And the crack in his veneer—the hint of vulnerability she’d seen last night—had nearly had her jumping into his arms and begging for a chance at forever.
She had to keep a clear head.
Axel made it impossible.
And her lack of sleep wasn’t helping.
A ginormous coffee would do the trick, she promised herself. But she knew it wouldn’t.
She needed to pull it together and stop thinking of Axel. She was a PA. People relied on her. She couldn’t be daydreaming about Axel’s very honed, very hot, very ‘should be outlawed and kept under wraps’ body while at work. Her head told her she’d done the right thing putting some distance between them. But her heart and body didn’t necessarily agree.
It would be so easy to go back. She loved Axel, even more than before. They’d both grown, met challenges, endured…knew what they wanted.
But was what she wanted right for Diego?
And would Axel be willing to do the hard work to communicate, to share his dreams and his worries? Or would he always feel that he had to protect her?
She hated that she’d had to move Diego again. He hadn’t been happy when she told him they were going to stay at a hotel. It was small and decent, but at least it had a pool. She’d expected questions. Not a rant. And then Diego had gone silent. Sullen. He hadn’t kissed her goodbye when she’d dropped him off at school, and he’d refused to load his sports bag crammed with clothes into her car. Just seeing his outburst proved she’d let both of them jump in too deep before they were ready to swim.
She mentally shook herself.
Coffee first.
She’d solve her life’s problems and her son’s angst later.
She scanned her badge at the double doors and answered a question from a recovery room nurse on her work phone. Then she went into the main surgical waiting area to make her way to the nurse’s stand. She’d get herself a latte later when she had more time.
“I don’t want to bother her…” She heard the most beautiful and deeply masculine voice in the world, the one that had always had the power to flip her heart into gushy girl-about-to-swoon mode.
“No problem. She’s out of surgery. There you are, Cruz.”
“Axel,” she breathed, not able to see his face behind the beautiful bouquet of colorful blooms. “Hi,” she said stupidly, freezing in place and unable to think of her name, much less something appropriate to say.
God, he looked amazing. Just amazing. Tall, broad, wearing a blue T-shirt that stretched across his chest and hinted at his abs, an unbuttoned red plaid shirt over it. And his jeans hugged his thighs. They were a little bit dusty.
It hadn’t even been a full day since she’d seen him and she was practically drooling.
“Did you bring August for an appointment?” she asked after a moment of both of them staring at each other like an epic moment of awkwardness at a middle school dance.
“No. I wanted to see you.”
“Oh.” He’d said that right out loud, with Lisa and Sharon at reception eyeing them, as well as about ten people waiting in the different chairs and couches scattered around the waiting room
. The guy at the vending machine getting a candy bar had even stopped to watch.
“And to say I’m sorry.” He handed her the flowers.
They were beautiful and fragrant and in a glass vase shaped like a cowboy boot.
“Thank you,” she said, inhaling the sweet fragrance because it was so much easier than looking up into his oh-so-serious face. She clutched the vase, afraid that she’d touch him if she freed up one of her hands.
“I miss you.”
“It’s not even noon.”
“The night was endless without you and the morning longer. I know I screwed up and I’m going to do better. I promise to give you time and space, but be warned, I’m going to do my best to woo you.”
“Woo me?” It was such an old-fashioned word, but it suited Axel. Although at this point, she was pretty much a sure thing.
“I was…I was just going to grab a coffee before my next patient if you…you know…” Why was she being so stupid? She had better lines when she’d been a teen and had fairly stalked him at the rodeos where their competitions overlapped.
His smile lit his whole face, and she swore her heart stopped before galloping into the sunset, dreaming of hearts and flowers and happy-ever-afters, without once acknowledging reality.
Diego.
Axel, it answered back dreamily.
“You can leave those here until you come back,” Sharon said, her blue eyes taking in Axel with total appreciation. Cruz could practically hear her sigh. She couldn’t blame her. Axel was prime. And he’d even taken off his Stetson to talk to her.
They walked toward the latte stand in the hospital lobby. She tried not to bump against him as they walked, but he had the power of a magnet.
“Thank you,” she said. Had she already said that?
“I was remiss before,” he said. “I didn’t give you the attention and the things I should have when we were together.”
A Son for the Texas Cowboy Page 15
