My tears threaten to pour over, the static buzzing in my head at his words. This is what’s best. And he’s right. Letting Cash go is what’s best. I hold my chin up, trying to be strong while it feels like shards of glass are cutting away at my heart. I need to grasp the reality of this and accept that this is for the best.
It’s for the best.
“You’re right.” Breathe, Luna. “I wish things were different. I wish I was good enough for him. I wish we met in a different life where things weren’t so fucked up. But hey, I guess my fairy godmother took a lunch break and never returned.” Shit, I’m losing it. I wipe away a tear. “I just want him to be happy. To be safe. I love him enough to give him that.”
“I know.” There’s conflict in Beckett’s eyes, like he’s not sure he believes this route is the best for either of us. But there’s no other option. The silence slices through the room. “He’s going to lose it and come after you when he finds out you’re gone.”
I inhale a deep breath, fighting back more tears. “I know. But he’ll understand. He has his whole career ahead of him. I can’t ruin that. This way, he can continue being great.”
“He’d still be great if you stuck around.” That’s not an option for me anymore. Agent Prescott made that clear.
“Yeah, but I can’t be the one to blame for his failures. For my past tainting his future. This is for the best.” Becks stares at me for a long moment, then nods. He stands with uncertainty. A dark void consumes me. The reality that I will never see Cash again is quickly setting in. Emptiness resonates deep in my soul, leaving me hollow.
He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. “I was quickly briefed on what happens from here. I’m sure you’re scared, but it’ll be okay.” He slides the paper across the table, but I don’t accept it. “It’s my number… if you ever need anything. I respect what you’re doing for Cash, and that goes along way with me. I mean it. anything…” His smile is sad, guilt creasing his brows, but this is for the best. He knows it and I know it. When he finally offers me his back to leave, I call out. “Can you…give him a message from me? Tell him I said thank you. And goodbye.” He nods again, and he’s gone.
Agent Prescott returns, and after feeling like I sign my life away, he offers me a breakdown of what happens next. Hospital. Exam. Ohio.
We’re both quiet on the way, until I start needing my own answers.
“What happens with Jade? I mean…his body?” He deserves better than what he got.
“He’s being transported back to Ohio. He has a sister in Akron who’s being contacted. We will make arrangements from there.”
I remember Jade telling me his only family was his sister. Someone he’d been estranged from for years. The last time they spoke, it was a fight over his life choices. She kicked him out, telling him to stay gone. She couldn’t have his troubled life in any way fall back on her family and kids. And now she’ll be getting a call that her brother is dead.
I stare out the window, hiding the tears that fall. I’m so selfish. My careless choices have ruined so many lives. I deserve what’s coming to me and much, much worse.
“We’ll be there shortly. When we arrive, we’ll be met by a physician. I requested a female in case you felt more comfortable sharing…”
My body stiffens. “Sharing what?”
He eyes me warily. “Luna, I’ve been in this business for a very long time. I know trauma when I see it.”
I make the mistake of making eye contact with him, and shame floods my insides, causing me to turn away. “You have the wrong idea. They didn’t…do that.”
“You don’t have to tell me, but it’s best you get properly looked over—”
“They didn’t! Whatever it is you’re insinuating, you’re wrong. They…he tried, but he didn’t have the chance.” My hands shake. I want to open the door and throw myself out of the moving car to end this nightmare. The images of that disgusting man and the things he did…I shake my head and close my eyes, pretending I’ve fallen asleep so he stops talking to me. Eventually, I do pass out, because when I open my eyes again, we’re parked outside a hospital.
Agent Prescott is outside of the car speaking with a doctor and another man. His jerk-off outfit tells me he’s another cop or detective. Behind them is a woman in a lab coat, ready to check to see if they raped me. I want to crawl out of my skin and hide away. My eyes catch the keys still in the ignition and I debate on flooring it, taking them all out, and driving off into the sunset, possibly off a cliff.
Agent Prescott turns to look at me. As if reading my mind, he puts his finger up to his cop bud and comes for me. “Don’t even think about it. Let’s go.”
“About what? Paranoid much?” I grumble and get out of the car. He introduces me to his pal, Agent Who Cares and the female doctor, who actually seems nice. We’re escorted into a hospital room, and he is asked to stand outside while she begins her examination.
I refuse to let her examine me, swearing I wasn’t raped. But I do allow her to look over my other wounds. Being so exposed, it makes me vulnerable, and I make the mistake of showing my cards. “It’s okay, Luna. You can talk to me.”
I can? To a complete stranger who’s only here to analyze me? I think not. “Again, like I said, I’m fine. Just do what you need to do. I’d like to shower. Can I do that?” She assesses me a few seconds more and grants my request, giving me some long overdue privacy. She excuses herself, and I step into the shower, allowing the hot spray to wash away all the horror and memories, leaving me with the reality that I’m about to walk away from the best thing that will ever happen to me. My legs buckle, and I collapse, allowing the hole in my heart to fill with lead, and cry until the water runs cold. A nurse finds me, wraps me in a towel, and nestles me in the warm hospital bed where it takes me under three seconds to fall asleep.
Agent Prescott shows up shortly after I wake up. I’m released and we hit the road to a small patch of airspace, taking a small plane to Ohio. Our conversations are limited to what’s about to happen next. When we arrive, I’ll be placed in custody. I will give a proper statement, which will be entered for testimony. He guarantees my face and name won’t be public knowledge and tells me not to worry. Then I start to worry about why I shouldn’t worry. I guess having a hand in taking down a big-time drug cartel can have some backlash. I’ll sign a bunch more documents, then face a judge for my own crimes.
I’m nervous and afraid. Whatever the future holds is what I deserve, but it doesn’t make the situation any less scary. When I’m put in front of a judge, Agent Prescott sets me up with a defense attorney who argues the shit out of my case. When my sentence is thrown at me, I almost fall out of my seat. I grab his arm. “Wait. That’s it?”
The man smiles and pats me on the shoulder. “That’s it. Your testimony goes a long way here. Without that, you’d be seeing a long life behind bars. You got lucky. Do your time, then live free and hopefully legally.”
I’m still frozen, mouth hanging open as he walks away.
Twenty-one days in the Ohio Reformatory for Women.
Three years probation.
That’s it. No lifelong jail sentence and being someone’s lesbian girlfriend. I stare at the man’s back until someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn to find another man in a uniform, holding up handcuffs.
“You need to come with me.”
Oh yeah.
Shit. I inhale a deep breath, wishing I was at least able to see a familiar face like Agent Prescott before being dragged away. I lamely smile at the guard and stick my hands out. “After you, handsome.”
Why do I pick the worst times to joke?
Luna
One week later…
Second place.
Everything he worked so hard for was ripped away by a weather cancellation. The news reported he was twelve seconds away from first place when they called the race. My heart broke listening to the reports, then completely shattered when his face appeared on the screen. His lip was split
, but healing. There was a slight bruise under his right eye, and his arm was in a sling. But the smile he wore for the camera had my stomach in knots. He was still breathtaking.
The news is what kept me informed. Lilly sure worked magic because the media ate up the press release they put out. Cash Huntington, shortly after the race, was viciously attacked by a crazed fan. Thank God for the angel who found him and called the police. The assailant was arrested, and no names are being released, but Mr. Huntington is in good spirits and thankful to be alive. If there was any shred of my heart left, it just exploded into a million pieces. I’m so sorry, Cash. When will this pain in my chest go away?
I wish I could call him. Hear his voice. I’ve been glued to the TV since I’ve been in here, watching any interview that offers a sliver of how he’s doing. His face. That smile. Even if I wanted to call, I wouldn’t have a way. I left without my things. My phone, which had been in my pocket, was never retrieved, and when Agent Prescott called in to see how I was settling in, he said he’d see what he could do about my backpack. I only wanted my photo of Henry and me—the only thing I have left that proves someone out there still loves me…or did, once upon a time.
The newscaster finishes her segment on the weather and it returns back to motor sports, my eyes once again glued to the television. “Thanks, Grant. We’re here with racecar extraordinaire, Cash Huntington, discussing wins, losses, and what’s next for the hot, up-and-coming racecar driver. Cash, tell us, what’s your take of the race? Do you think you would have won if the weather hadn’t become a factor?”
She places her mic to his lips, and his smile extends to his eyes. “Cara, that’s a question I’d love to answer, but sometimes we can’t control outside factors. I did my best out there, and next year, I’ll do even better. We have Firestone’s Grand Prix in St. Petersburg soon, so my team is hard at work training for that. Make sure to stay tuned. It’s gonna be a hot one out there.” He winks and excuses himself, walking away with Jimmy and Beckett by his side. I wipe away the tears, unsure why I do this to myself—torture myself and watch him from afar, pretending he’s still mine.
The bell rings, signaling dinner, and I do what I do every night: stand in line, eat my dinner, and cry myself to sleep.
“You ready for this?” Sharon, my bunkmate and not-turned-lesbian-lover, asks as I make my bed. Sharon is here for trying to kill her husband. From the horrid stories she’s shared, I probably would have attempted to as well. Abuse can take a toll on anyone, even the kindest people, like Sharon, who was a kindergarten teacher and advocate for her local church.
“Probably not. I have no idea where to go from here.” My twenty-one days are up. I’ve officially done my time and am free to go, minus the three-year probation where I have to be a good girl. Agent Prescott didn’t turn out to be that much of a jerk, setting me up with a stipend and a contact for a job, making it very clear it was a loan and I would pay him back when I got back on my feet. He got my best eyeroll and a laugh, knowing he turned soft on me.
“Well, you know you can always stay with my sister, Beth. I told her all about you. She’d be happy to take you in.”
I’m going to miss Sharon. She’s been there for me since I entered this place. She’s been like the mother I never had. When she gets out of here, I’m making it my mission to visit her. Her kids are with her sister, and I’d love to get to know them. “Thanks, but South Carolina is kinda far for me. Thinking about staying local until I can earn enough money to find a place. Head somewhere warmer than shithole Ohio.”
She gazes back at me with sincerity and sadness. “You have anyone coming for you? Pickin’ you up?”
I wave the piece of paper Agent Prescott gave me. “Good ol’ Pace Bus. Agent Prescott gave me the schedule. One stops just outside in a couple hours, so I’ll wait for that.”
A storm of emotions settle in her eyes and we hug, both shedding tears at the wonderful friendship we’ve made. “You’re gonna be just fine, Luna. You’re resilient. Life will accept you no matter where you end up.”
I nod. “Thanks. I gotta get going.” I break away, catching the guard waiting for me. I’m discharged and checked out, getting back the things I came in with: just the clothes on my back. Not that they were my clothes since Agent Prescott bought them to replace the shredded ones I was found in. I head out, flicking off an asshole guard who thinks it’s okay to get touchy-feely with some of the women, and throw the door open, letting the sun warm my face. This place wasn’t nearly as bad as a prison, but it still feels good to breathe free air. I start walking down the long driveway, a hurricane of thoughts threatening to drown me. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I don’t have a plan. I can’t go back to Cleveland. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. There’s nothing left there for me, not that there ever was to begin with.
I have a list of halfway houses crumbled in my back pocket. Another dig in my chest. Another sign that life isn’t fair. I imagine Sharon’s life before the beating began. Living in a home. Warm and inviting with family and friends. Filled with the laughter of children and the smell of homemade pies and roasts. As I pull the list out of my back pocket, I know I won’t ever have that.
I hate that I let my emotions have so much control over me and swipe an angry tear off my face. I can’t be mad at anyone but myself. I put myself here. This is the life I’ve chosen—
“You look in deep thought. Watcha thinkin’ about?” My eyes lift from the ground to the street a few feet away. Time stops as I blink away the hallucination of him standing there, his easy-going smile fresh on his face, his arms crossed over his thick chest as he leans against his car. “If I’m not mistaken, you were thinking about how great it would be if someone, say the man of your dreams, rescued you and drove off into the sunset to a quiet place on a hilltop that serves burgers and milkshakes.”
I’m speechless. The inside of my chest expands in a deep inhale. The hand holding the piece of paper becomes clammy. I can’t seem to move.
“Okay, maybe we skip on the milkshakes and he takes her for the ride of her life. All bedroom appropriate of course. Then she confesses again how much she loves him, and they make sweet, passionate love until they no longer feel their legs, and spend the remainder of the night watching Fast Five because she refuses to make it through the movie without humping her dream guy’s bones.”
My lips open and close. My eyes swell with tears. “Are…why are you here?”
“Well…” he kicks off from his car and takes two steps toward me, shoving his hands in his front jeans’ pockets. “I was hoping to rescue you.” Two more steps. “Convince you we should spend eternity being us.” One more step, until our toes are touching and I’m forced to raise my chin to keep eye contact. “And tell you I’ve missed the ever-loving shit out of you. I told you once and I’ll keep telling you, if you leave me, I’ll find you. I’m faster.”
Tears roll down my cheeks. He lifts his arm, using his thumb to wipe away the wetness. “Was my speech that bad? I’ve been practicing it for weeks now. I thought it sounded pretty convincing. Even I convinced myself to run away with me. But then again, I can’t really run away with myself. It’s the creepiness in me. It doesn’t do it for you anymore, does it? You’re going to give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech, but really it is me, ’cause…well, I’m creepy—”
“Cash,” I cut him off.
“Yes?”
God, he’s so damn cute when he’s nervous. “I’ll never stop thinking you’re creepy,” I start, watching his nervous smile falter. “But it’s what I love about you.”
“You still love me? That’s good. Phew. I was worried—”
“What? That I changed my mind?” I laugh. “I think it’s the other way around. I was worried you didn’t want to see me. I never expected to ever see you again.” Just saying those words sends a pang to my chest. “I thought you hated me?”
He reaches for me, wrapping me tightly in his arms, his scent surrounding me. I secure my arms ar
ound him and indulge in his strength and comfort. “Oh, Luna, why would you think that? Fuck, I’ve been going crazy since they tore us apart. Everything happened so fast. I didn’t know what to do. Becks came back and told me what you were doing. I went ballistic. You shouldn’t have taken the blame for it all. I took that race.”
I pull back. “For me. If it wasn’t for me, you would have never been in that mess.”
His hands cup my face. “I would do a lot worse in order to keep you safe, do you understand? And I’m not talking eating a whole plate of Brussels sprouts or some shit, even though that’s high up on my list of insane things to show my devotion.” I can’t help but laugh as his nose scrunches.
“I just thought since I hadn’t heard from you…I’ve watched the news. You seemed—”
“Like the biggest fraud? Because that’s what it’s been like. Putting on a fake smile for the media. It’s what was asked of me. Some Fed guy, Agent Prescott, told me to stay clear until the dust settled. It was best for everyone. It was to keep us both safe. Trust me. If he didn’t say that shit, I would have been camped out here until they let you free.”
In the darkness of all my fears, I’m finally seeing light. Hope blooms in my chest. “I’m so sorry, Cash. I wish I was truthful with you from the beginning. I wish I had told you who I was. Let you judge me for who I really am.”
Junkie: A Driven World Novel (The Driven World) Page 22
