I am not that elf. I'm not going to hurt the people I love for the sake of an obsession. If that means leaving out some things that are obvious to me, so be it. I observe, I document, and I will be done with this whole thing once we're safely home. Or when I run out of pages. Or die in the darkness. Whichever comes first.
The lovely, flat passage we were on transitioned to narrow and winding almost as soon as we left our night resting place. I had to rely on Shan's physical support more than I wanted, and now he's almost as fatigued as I am. Today is worse than yesterday. I surpassed my limit and now I'm being punished for it. We've only made a couple hours progress, but I think this is it for the day. We're stuck in this little nook at the edge of a narrow ravine while I elevate my leg in an attempt to bring down the swelling.
I'm useless and they're frustrated. I wish I could force myself to heal faster. I wish that I could push through this pain without dealing with the consequences. I wish I could dam the tears that are now dripping from my eyes.
Shan sits on his knees next to me. He dabs my cheek with a handkerchief and says, "It's okay, Mom. You don't have to be tough all the time."
"Sorry. I'm frustrating you by slowing down our escape," I say.
"We're not frustrated with you, not at all," Daelis says as he passes me a ration of water. He sits down and Yana collapses onto his lap. "We're frustrated with our situation, not with you. None of this is your fault."
Is it not? I was the first taken, the first to wake. Maybe I'm the center of this whole thing. Shan's an innocent victim, but I'm not. I did something to wrong someone, but I can't figure out what. I have some ideas, but none are any more logical than my desire to run on a mangled leg.
One step at a time, keep going. Rest often. This nightmare has to end eventually. Right?
Day 31, part 3
My fault. This is my fault. I shouldn't have convinced them to travel a little farther. I shouldn't have told them to go ahead and wait. I shouldn't have...
It's too late for that. Now. There is only now.
And rocks and loneliness and Yana shaking in my arms.
She was with me when the Jarrah brought down the ceiling. Shan and Daelis weren't. They'd gone ahead a little while Yana and I dawdled. We were collecting opals. I thought they might help us buy our way home if we surfaced far from Jadeshire.
We never should have separated. Now Yana and I are alone in the dark with no light except the faint wisps Yana produces from her fingertips using her little magic. It's enough to write by, but we can't use it to navigate.
Don't be dead, please don't be dead. My voice is hoarse. I've been yelling for a while, yelling through the piled rocks and dusty darkness. Silence. Nothing but silence and echoes of my own fear. Were they crushed beneath the rocks? Did they fall into the ravine? It's now filled with heavy debris, so there is no climbing out of there.
"Mom? Daelis? Yana?" Finally, a response. Shan. Shan's alive. He's quiet, but he's there. Where is Daelis? Not with Shan.
"Shan!" Yana shrieks.
"We're here, Shan. Yana and me. We're okay," I say. I scurry close to the rockslide. He's close, just on the other side of the newly-formed wall. "We need to move the rocks, but I'm not sure where to start."
"Mom, I can't find Daelis. He was ahead of me and another slide separated us. I think... I think I'm in the middle. He's not responding. I don't know where he is. I have one lantern and he has the other. Are you in the dark?"
"Yana's little magic is giving us some light right now, but we'll be dark once she gets tired." I study the rocks. There are no gaps to leak Shan's light. The wall is thick and the remaining ceiling is a slab so low we'll have to crawl under it once it's clear. It will take some time and strength to dig my way to Shan. I may be crushed in the process.
I hear the slide of stone across stone. Shan is already moving rocks. "I'm looking at the orientation and I think the slab rock is stable. If we can clear under it, you should be able to get through." A long pause as stones shift. "Mom, I'll keep calling for Daelis, but I don't know if he'll respond. What happened? I heard a voice and then the ceiling caved in and I was alone.”
"One of the Jarrah was here, in the tunnel. We may have been wrong with the matriarchal theory because this one was male. He had a dwarfstone lantern of his own, which he held up near his masked face. He said my name as he paced behind me. 'Katrin Sylleth, you have come too far. We believed you and the others had joined your Raxan abomination in death when the seeing stones went dark, but now you have reappeared. This cavern is the tomb of the tenacious assassin, and the Goldtree line will die along with you.' Then he held up his hands and the stones roared. He vanished in a burst of blue vapor as the ceiling crashed down. It was far enough from us that we weren't hurt, but now we're isolated. At least Yana–"
"Mom, quiet. I think I hear something." A long pause and feet scuffing across stone as Shan moved away from me. I assume he is heading toward the second collapse.
"I want Shan. I want Daelis," Yana whimpers. The light emanating from her fingertips intensifies. "I love Rin. Rin can't die. Shan and Daelis can't die. Home together, all of us."
"Sweet Yana, we are still going home. Do you think you'll be able to keep your magic lights up for a little longer so I can see which stones to pull? I know you used it for a while already when we were looking for the opals, but I need more light time now." I try to offer her a reassuring smile, but dust creeps into my nose and I sneeze.
"I try," Yana says. She's wavering. We'll have to submit to the darkness soon so she can rest.
Shuffling feet and shifting stone. Shan is back. "Mom, he's alive. He said he's okay. His lantern is gone, though. It fell down the ravine when he jumped out of the way of the rock slide. He said to help you get out first, then we can both dig out the rocks on his side. He can't to do it safely."
Intense relief washes over me. There are still four of us. "Good. Tell him not to try anything. Tell him to sit there and wait."
"Mom? One more thing. He said he is on his back looking upward. There is a gap above him. He says he sees stars. Real stars, not glow worms. They are way, way, high up, but they're there. He said the moon even crossed the edge of the gap at one point. We're almost there, Mom. If he can see starlight, we're close."
"Too tired. Can't make magic lights now," Yana says. Her hands shake and her lips are tightly drawn.
I reach for her. "It's okay, Yana. Come cuddle with me and we'll rest in the dark for a bit while Shan moves stones."
Hello there, oblivion.
Day 32
I slept for what felt like only minutes, but I'm certain it was longer. Yana was still asleep in my arms when I woke. I didn't want to disturb her, so I remained quiet and took in my surroundings.
The darkness sharpened my senses. I heard Yana's heartbeat, the grind and groan of rocks both distant and overhead, a water drip somewhere out of reach, the scuttle of arthropod feet. The smell of damp stone and unwashed skin hung both in my nose and on my tongue. I felt the coarseness of Yana's hair against my cheek, the clammy chill of the air, the lingering burn of my healing injuries, a vaguely nauseating tightness deep in my gut. Shan resumed removal of fallen rocks on his side of the barrier, and it echoed as screeching thunder. The rhythm of Yana's tremble matched the rumble of the earth. Centipedes and spiders ventured close to us, then scurried away. My eyes were blind, but I was not.
After a while, I noticed a shift in Yana's breathing pattern. Her fingers twitched and wiggled against my neck. A quiet mewl escaped from her lips.
"Shh, shh, I'm here," I said. I held her tighter and stroked her back. "It's dark, but don't be afraid. I'm here with you."
Stones clinked together not far from me. The sound was muffled, but louder than I expected. "Mom? You awake?" Shan's voice was louder and clearer than it was before I fell asleep.
"I'm awake," I replied. Yana's body tensed. She was nearly awake herself.
"Good. I'm making some progress here. Let me know when you see m
y light."
I stared in the direction of the collapse, but saw only murky black. "Nothing yet, honey. I'll try to help you from this side once Yana can make more light. Won't be able to do it for long. I don't think she can hold it for more than twenty or thirty minutes at a time."
"That's okay. I slept some and I can work on this for a while before I get tired again. You can help more when it's time to dig our way to Dad."
"Oh? You're calling him Dad now?" I asked. Yana's hand crept up my neck and rested on my jaw.
More rocks shifted before Shan said, "I guess. I mean, he is. He gets this look in his eyes like I just slapped him every time I call him Daelis."
"Rin. I have ideas," Yana whispered. She wiggled out of my arms and shifted until she was upright. "I have rocks in pockets. What you name them? Opal. Water rock. Maybe I can... I can make... I can make... watch."
A blinding light consumed the darkness. Three flashes, then the brightness faded to a pleasant white glow. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust. Yana held a large, rough opal in her palm. The light came from deep within the stone and it backlit the colored flecks like a static kaleidoscope.
"Oh, my sweet girl, that is wonderful," I said.
Yana set the stone on the ground and the light quickly faded. She picked it back up before it extinguished and the light returned to its previous level. "Needs less thinking than the wisps so I can keep the light longer. I need to hold it. Can't make it stay. Not like the lantern stones. Maybe soon. Maybe someday."
I kissed her forehead. "You are amazing. We still have a little food and a whole water skein, so let's eat and drink a little before we start helping Shan. I'll dig and you can light the opal and keep me company. Let me know when you start to get tired and we can rest."
Day 32, part 2
Secrets and lies swirl around me in the darkness. They flare into tiny infernos about my shoulders and land as gnats in my ears. They gnaw at my bones and paw at the hollows of my gut. I want to write down what I know, but I can't. There is one secret I can get off my conscience, but I am not willing to write it until I have Daelis back.
We're making slow progress. Shan is still doing most of the work since I'm dependent on Yana's ability to create light within a stone. She's getting better at it and can hold it a little longer after every rest period, but she still tires quickly. That's not her fault and I'm not going to push her beyond her limits. Periodic light is better than no light at all.
Shan's voice slips through the rocks. He's so close, but I still can't see him or his light. "Hey Mom, I was talking to Daelis again. Was getting worried about him because he'd been quiet for a long time. He thinks he was wrong about the stars. He can't see them anymore, or any sign of daylight, so he's convinced he was hallucinating, that his mind was tricking him because of the total darkness. I told him maybe the Jarrah noticed the gap and covered it up. That's possible, right?"
"It's possible." Of course it is. Anything is possible down here, but I won't tell him that it's more likely Daelis was hallucinating.
"Light gone," Yana says.
Her opal fades, but a stream of light remains on my journal. I turn to find the source. Pale blue light breaks through the cracks between stones.
"Shan, I see your lantern light!" I say. Yana giggles and claps her hands together.
"Almost there. I've almost got you, Mom. Is it bright enough that you can help from your side?" Shan's words are clear, as if he is right next to me.
"Yes. I'll pull rocks where I see the light come through." Time to dig now. Time to find the light and embrace my son.
Day 33
I have my Shan back. It took hours to clear a big enough hole for both Yana and I to slip through, but now three of us are together again. It's time to dig our way to our fourth, but we're exhausted. I think Daelis is asleep. He hasn't responded to our calls. We need to get to him, but we have to be careful. The rock slide he's behind is less stable than the first one.
The light in Shan's chamber is low and diffuse, but I'm getting used to it. Before Yana and I crawled through, Shan wrapped a length of fabric around his lantern, the same type of gauzy fabric Daelis used to wrap the dragon eggs. I didn't have to ask why he did it. He wants to obscure the view of the dwarfstone so the Jarrah can't see us clearly. I hope it's enough of a veil that they're uncertain how many of us are still alive. All four. They lost this battle.
At least I hope they did.
I'm reliant on Shan's assertion that Daelis is alive. I've been resting next to the slide for a while and have heard nothing. Shan and Yana are asleep nearby. They were too exhausted to stay awake beyond a series of relieved embraces and a small snack. I won't be able to sleep until I know Daelis is all right. If he dies, he takes a large piece of my heart into the afterlife with him. I'll still fight to get us home and I'll never give up on pursuing an interesting life, but I don't think I'll ever be able to share my heart with another person again. Daelis wasn't my only love, but he was my first and he will be my last.
The chamber I'm in now isn't a dead end. A tunnel rises into darkness to my left, away from the now-filled ravine. Unless a better option presents itself, this is the path we'll take after we free Daelis. It isn't safe to go back the way we came from. I'm not sending Yana or Shan through an unstable breach when there is a safer path available. Safer? That word is irrelevant down here. Nothing is safe, so nothing can be safer. Less likely to collapse is a better phrase.
Pale green eyes blink at me from the tunnel, just beyond the boundary of the lantern light. Where's my sword? I need a moment.
All right, back to my vigil.
Whatever it was, it's dead now. I limped over and sliced it to bits. It barely had time to yip. I don't want to move the lantern and I can't see well enough to examine it in detail, but it appears to be a wolf-sized rat with shaggy black fur and luminous eyes. Another threat averted. Bring on the next.
"Shan? Are you awake?" Daelis calls from behind me. His voice is weak and throaty.
"Daelis? I'm here now. Yana, too. She and Shan are asleep."
"Oh, Rin... I'm so relieved to hear your voice."
"As am I to hear yours. We'll work on getting you out once Shan wakes." I wish I could reach through the wall and pull him through. I can't. We're forced apart and it may take days to rescue him. "How much food and water do you have left?"
"Only a little." The ground beneath me vibrates and Daelis coughs. "Rin, I know there is a clear tunnel over there. Shan told me about it. I want you to take Shan and Yana and leave. Find the way out. I don't think the rocks are going to stay stable long enough for you to safely reach me. I've had a lot of time alone in the dark to think about this, Rin. Go. Please."
No. Not going to happen. "Sweetie, if I was going to leave you to die alone in the dark, I would have done it when I first found you down here. You left me once and you're not doing it again. I'm not letting you go without a fight."
Another cough, followed by a pained wheeze. "Rin... save our children. And yourself. I love you and I need you to live."
He's trying to surrender to a fate I'm not willing to let him meet. I need... I need to tell him one of my secrets. "Daelis, you abandoned one of our children once. I'm not letting you do it to the other. I'm not going to raise another of your children alone."
A long pause is punctuated by distant rumbles. "Yana will be okay. She'll have you and Shan, and then Tessen and the rest of your family when you get home."
I need to tell him. Before the secret returns to the shadows. "Not Yana. This one doesn't have a name yet."
"Rin, what are you implying? We haven’t... oh, we have, haven't we? Waterfall cavern. That was... feels like so long ago. It was much longer ago than your numbers say, anyway. Are you certain?" Daelis's voice is different now. Clearer, less raspy.
"Fairly. When we were in Aes, the healer kept touching my belly and saying, 'Haru.' I had no idea what it meant until we went to the Hycinth party and I heard it everywhere. Baby. Haru is baby. I t
hought it was odd, but then I was lying in the dark and I felt it. Not movement, too early for that. Changes in my body. Fullness and tenderness in the right places. Increased sensitivity to smells, a little bit of nausea that I had attributed to the concussion. I'm a little shocked that it didn't miscarry when I fell, but now I'm remembering something that happened when I was pregnant with Alon. I slipped on an icy walkway and landed hard on my abdomen. I wasn't far along, and I was afraid I'd lose him. The midwife told me that he was so cushioned and well protected in me that chances were good that I wouldn't lose him. And I didn't, not until much later. Ragan and I lost a couple babies early on, but this one... I don't know, I think maybe this one is destined to live. So are you. You're coming home so you can have a second chance to be the father you want to be, right from the beginning."
A shower of pebbles plinks down a nearby wall. I look in the direction of the sound and find Shan staring at me. I wasn't planning on telling him until it was either necessary or we were home, but now he knows.
"Our inhibitions had the worst possible timing," Daelis says with a clipped laugh. I impulsively reach back to grab his hand and find only cold stone. "How can I let you continue to endanger yourself now that you've told me this?"
"I don't need your permission to rescue you. You're coming home with us," I say.
Shan crawls to my side. He embraces me and kisses my cheek. "You need to stop praying to fertility goddesses, Mom. Come on, I'll help you dig." He leans away from me and presses his forehead against the rocks. "Dad? Stop protesting. We're coming to get you."
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