When the mind sees that there is nothing behind the fear, the protection mechanism stops protecting that nothing. This may come like a shock, but what is the worst thing that can happen to nothing?
Fear is a friend, really. It is protection. It guards from harm. But all those ideas that appear important cannot be harmed. The image of me is made by the mind. It is not something that can be harmed, can disappear, can die, or can be lost; it’s an image created by the mind and protected by fear, as if the mind instructed itself to forget to question the self-made image of identity.
Don’t fear the sensation of fear. Say yes to it the next time it comes up and see what else you notice about this mechanism, about the nature of sensation and what triggers it. Explore it with curiosity, fearlessly.
Nona
Nona was in a rush when we met in a Facebook group. She was ripe and ready for that recognition. Engaging through Facebook was a rare event for me because I usually communicate through the Liberation Unleashed forum or e-mail, mediums in which the pace is slow, like playing chess. With Nona it was different. We spent only a couple of hours talking directly, and she was as ready for change as people get. I went to sleep after we talked, and in the morning I found her laughing out loud. She got the cosmic joke, and she laughed for three days. It was the simple distinction between thinking and looking that got her to look. I still smile when I remember our chat, which happened four years ago.
Nona became a great guide and is one of the dedicated administrators who look after Liberation Unleashed on a day-to-day basis. She is still as passionate as she was on that first day we met. A real gem.
Ilona: Hi Nona, what brings you here?
Nona: I want to experience no self. Outside of my dreams, I mean.
Ilona: Okay, what do you imagine it is like, what do you expect?
Nona: I imagine it is effortless, similar to the way I experience myself in my dreams. Flowing effortlessly.
Ilona: It already is. Effortless. Only one thing is in the way—belief that it is not.
Nona: Yes. I understand that, and I notice that understanding is not the same as living it.
Ilona: Yes, exactly. So is there a “you” living it?
Nona: Yes, it appears so, and I can’t be absolutely sure about that.
Ilona: Aha! So what is it that the word “me” is pointing to?
Nona: A set of beliefs, memories, and a desire for some control over what is experienced. I can question the beliefs and memories, but the desire for control seems implacable.
Ilona: No, no, it points to other thoughts about “me.” Check it.
Nona: Yes. They are all thoughts about me.
Ilona: Right, so what is that “me,” if not just a thought?
Nona: “Me” is only a belief, and it is a very persistent one. It is my most frequent thought.
Ilona: It’s not a belief, it’s just a word that is assumed for an entity. Tell me, where do thoughts come from?
Nona: I don’t know. They just appear.
Ilona: Take a good look, as well as tell me, can you control thoughts at all?
Nona: I can’t find where thoughts come from, and I am not in control of them.
Ilona: So would you say that the thought “me” is appearing by itself?
Nona: I don’t know where it comes from. It feels “located” in Nona. Yet I’ve watched Nona stop being a familiar body and become a ship or a car, exactly identified as the body I feel I currently inhabit.
Ilona: It’s simpler than that, really. Tell me, what is Nona?
Nona: Energy. A collection of electrons.
Ilona: No, it’s not. It’s a character in a story. Can you see Nona as a main character, like Batman, in a fictional story about Nona?
Nona: Yes, I can, yes. It’s all story. Apparently “my” story.
Ilona: Is there an actor playing a role of Nona?
Nona: No.
Ilona: Aha! So how does a character operate? Is there anything that controls the story?
Nona: What a great question! I’m looking.
Ilona: I’ll give you a clue, look at Nona as an organic computer that responds to environment.
Nona: Are you saying that environment creates the story of Nona?
Ilona: Environment greatly influences the story, and shapes it, yes, but is there anything that creates it from outside, like a manager that chooses what happens in the story, that controls events?
Nona: I feel like I almost understand something, but am so dense! The story of Nona appears to be a joint creation between me, my parental units, family, schoolmates. It seems to be added to or impacted on, by all the other stories around this one. The only one choosing what happens in the story of Nona is Nona.
Ilona: It’s the same as saying Batman is choosing what he is going to do next in the story of Batman. Choice is also part of story, and the story is fictional. Take a look at Nona from the point of view of a friend, family member, somebody you never met, a colleague: What can you see?
Nona: I see another story of Nona. Nona as a character in my (the friend’s) story.
Ilona: Is it the same story or just a story about the same character?
Nona: All our stories are fictional. That’s what stories are.
Ilona: Yes. So if I tell you there is no “you” at all, in real life, none as in zero, what comes up right now?
Nona: Neither. My story and your story will be different. Thus the character we call Nona will appear different to each of us. I understand that is true and I notice I don’t then let go of the idea that there is a “me.” I “get” it; but I don’t live it. I ask, then who is typing Nona’s part of the conversation? Is this a conversation Ilona is having with herself?
Ilona: There is no “I” to get it—that’s the fun part. Notice as it is happening and tell me.
Nona: I feel stupid.
Ilona: Look right at the experience as it is. Right now. Tell me what is happening?
Nona: My story of Ilona is conversing with my story of Nona? Someone is typing. Words are appearing on a screen. That is all.
Ilona: None of that. What do you see right now in front of your eyes? Go in deeper into experience. How does it happen?
Nona: I make it up as I go along.
Ilona: Notice. First reading happens, then thought arises as a response, and fingers start to type.
Nona: Nona is experiencing a story of inquiry.
Ilona: Let’s leave Nona for a while and see what is behind the story.
Nona: Okay.
Ilona: What is here now, when you stop thinking about it?
Nona: Breath.
Ilona: Good, good. So look at the breath and see if there is a breather. Do you do the breathing of breath or is it happening by itself?
Nona: Breathing happens by itself.
Ilona: See how language is made: I breathe. I sleep, I walk, I eat. Is there an “I” that does all that?
Nona: No. I am breathed, I am slept. I am walked; it happens and I take credit for it. I incorporate those activities into my story. Much like in my dream, I incorporate noises.
Ilona: Okay, how about dropping that “I” completely: breathing happens, walking happens, taking credit happens.
Nona: Okay. “I” is another piece of language.
Ilona: Is there a doer? Notice as you type the message, notice that it is all happening simultaneously and effortlessly.
Nona: Yes, I see that.
Ilona: Is there an “I” that sees that?
Nona: Understanding happens, and yet there is a persistent sense that understanding is located in a self.
Ilona: That is not a sense, just a thought about it. “Self” is a word.
Nona: It’s all just words. All the parts of my stories are words.
Ilona: Take a look. Focus on “I am feeling”—that open, alive, receptive be-ing. See if it’s personal. See if it needs to be labeled to feel real.
Nona: I name my experiences. No. It’s not personal. And the labels are only
to have a way to communicate about it, which may not be necessary either.
Ilona: Observe the mind as a labeling machine. Look around the room and notice things, see how thoughts label everything automatically.
Nona: Yes.
Ilona: Is there anything that does not happen on automatic?
Nona: No.
Ilona: Do you exist?
Nona: Only as a character in a story.
Ilona: Okay, but do you exist in reality? The story is fiction.
Nona: And yet this character has a sense of self, labels about a self.
Ilona: Let’s see, does Batman exist? Does a unicorn exist? Does the tooth fairy exist?
Nona: No. Those are also fictions. If Nona does not exist in reality, where are these experiences she’s telling herself?
Ilona: Let’s go back to the sense of self. Take a look. What is it? Is it self or aliveness plus a label?
Nona: Aliveness plus a label.
Ilona: Now look at experience. Is there an experiencer?
Nona: No, and the story of Nona is a story of experiences, neatly labeled.
Ilona: Check it—look at experience now, really close. What is behind experience?
Nona: Thought.
Ilona: No, not thought. Thought comes later. Take a look again.
Nona: Sensation.
Ilona: Behind sensation, is there anything that sensation is happening to?
Nona: Something believes it is having sensation, and that’s a thought. Nona doesn’t seem to be getting this.
Ilona: What is that something?
Nona: I don’t know.
Ilona: Take a look.
Nona: Aliveness?
Ilona: Let this settle today. We can talk more tomorrow. Focus on experience, on now, notice how thoughts are also part of experience.
Nona: Thank you.
Ilona: You are welcome.
The next day on Facebook…
Nona: Great belly-laughs! It has constructed an elaborate story of a guide at a gate in order to explain no self to the character Nona. As if Nona existed. Direct experience of feet on tile floor; direct experience of hands in water; reports (thoughts) about washing dishes. No Nona needed.
How amazing to go from a belief that Nona is a character in a story to observing the story being built while it looks. Hilarious! The story gets a chapter about a search for a Nona, complete with explanations and reports concerning its makeup and status. The story has Nona running around looking for no self and not finding it. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Elena: Welcome home, honey. ;)
Nona: Still laughing!
Elena: Ha ha ha ha ha—laughing with you! Ha ha ha! This is really hilarious, to search all life to find this, yes. :) All of this life is for the sake of seeking self, but there is no self out there...
Nona: The simplicity of it. Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ilona said look; not think. D’oh! Ha ha ha ha ha! Looking is amazing. There’s no Nona in looking.
Elena: Yay, honey. Much love.
Nona: Ilona, thank you so much!
Ilona: You are very welcome! Live free, love. How is life feeling today?
Nona: Fantastic! Nothing has changed; everything appears different.
Still Laughing! :-D
Ilona: It’s a cosmic joke! :)
Nona: Can’t believe it’s only day two! I noticed the physical sensations of anger coming up today; but there was no self for it to catch on to and the feelings disappeared. Not at all business as usual for this one!
A couple of days passed and more people came in to the conversation to congratulate Nona…
Jeff: Hi Nona, Congrats on discovering the grand illusion. Happy looking! ;-)
Lisa: Yay, Nona!
Nona: Day three: awaiting developments. Noticing effortlessness where “I” used to snag on thoughts and emotions as they arose. Thoughts and feelings still arise; no assistance or interference from Nona is needed. Not feeling disconnected; on the contrary, feeling quite connected. Now what?
Lisa: Still laughing?
Nona: Oh yes! It’s still so hilarious! Looking and laughing here!
Lisa: Well big fat happy “yay” to that!
Three years later I asked Nona for an update, and here is what she wrote.
Nona: What changed for me?
I suddenly noticed that everything that was happening in my world was truly, genuinely, completely okay, regardless of what thoughts said. It was a lie that I had ever been a “me” in control of “my” life. I actually laughed for three straight days over that!
What were the challenges?
The biggest challenge was not believing that I should somehow now be completely free from stressful thoughts; that without a belief in a “me” as creator of my world, conditioned thoughts and behaviors would simply all drop away.
Habit persists, despite having seen through the illusion of a separate self, and continuing to notice that thought tells stories that may not be supported by direct experience is very important. Checking direct experience for proof of what thoughts say has been a most useful practice.
The key for me to living rooted in the realization of no separate self was knowing that “no self” is not a state that can pass; it’s not a way of being or of thinking or feeling, but a plain fact just like “no Santa.” We don’t expect to “abide in no Santa”; we simply know that Santa is not an entity in reality once we’ve discovered that.
What advice can I offer?
Return to the uninterpreted moment; your truth is there, before the stories. That’s where quiet and peace can invariably be found. All it takes is a shift of focus.
Recognition
Once it’s seen, it cannot be unseen. This statement refers to recognition. In other words, what is recognized will always be recognized, no matter the situation (unless, of course, you have memory problems).
Let’s say you meet someone and ten years later you meet her again—instant recognition happens. It’s underneath the thinking. Recognition is something that operates outside of thoughts. You meet that old friend and recognize her simply because she has a unique face, body structure, voice, and so forth. It’s like learning the colors in childhood; a child is shown the color and is told that it is called “red.” That child then recognizes red at any time in life as being “red.” You hear a song once, and the second time you recognize it—I’ve heard that song before.
When we look at something familiar, recognition takes place—the “aha!” moment. We don’t need to philosophize or make logical connections to simply recognize what is already the case.
It’s difficult to see the illusion of a separate self only because it has never occurred to us to deeply question the assumptions, I am a separate entity, I have an identity. The “I-thought” is assumed to be “me,” the doer and thinker, a subject with free will and choice. When we start digging into these assumptions, it becomes obvious that an “I-entity” cannot be found. When you face this head-on, recognition happens. “There is no separate self” can just be words that raise your eyebrows, or they can be a knowing that is beyond thought.
What is, simply is, without any manager, orchestrator, or puppet master pulling strings. Life is just happening, and everything is happening within it, as it. Nothing is separate from anything else. Everything is dependent upon everything else as one movement, one dance—empty and yet so rich in its fullness.
Recognition is a moment when we know that we know. It’s something familiar showing up; it may have been forgotten, or it may have been denied, but once that recognition happens, it is not possible to unrecognize that pattern. Once the seeing happens, once it becomes clear that the separate self is an illusion, it can never be truly forgotten again. Different situations arise with different levels of intensity, but what has been seen can be seen over and over and over again in every situation. It’s not hidden. When we look at what is obvious, without thinking or referring to a memory, without trying to fit it into models of reality or to match it to the descriptions given b
y teachers, there is an intimate, instant recognition. This is. This is what is happening now; the rest is a story.
No one can convince you that you recognize something. Of course you can pretend and say that you do and make logical explanations, express opinions, have debates, write books, and teach about it. But deep knowing comes from within, from looking for yourself, from wanting to know beyond doubt.
It’s funny how we can stare at the wall of an imaginary prison, feeling stuck, waiting to transcend it, and not recognize that there is no prison, that the wall is imagined. We believe all kinds of stories and try to escape this feeling by resisting, denying, expecting something else, and getting lost in fearful thoughts. All that is needed is recognition—there is nothing here that is bound and limited. There is no prisoner trying to escape; it’s all just a habitual, dull, and painful story in the head.
When we recognize a story to be just a story and not reality, the glue that holds us stuck in the story suddenly starts dissolving. We no longer believe the story is “the truth of how things are.” We recognize it as a description, an interpretation, or an entertaining thought. It becomes easier to step back and notice that there is something else going on besides the thought-story; it becomes possible to notice peace underneath all thoughts.
This, which is happening right now, is not bound to a story; it just is. If a story arises, it is seen as part of what is, within it. Not the driver, not the separate self—just a thought-story about what is happening. Along with the sense perceptions and feelings, it’s happening as thoughts. A sense of self can arise, no problem with that, but it’s also recognized as something that arises and passes away, like all phenomena. The sense of self is no longer seen as something solid, permanent, or existing in and of itself. Sense of self is seen as sensation, a feeling, not the experiencer.
Recognition is not intellectual, philosophical, or a matter of logic. It does not involve thought. It is awareness that something is true, a click when something fits. Like déjà vu, recognition is a sense that this has happened before. Recognition is a click—the aha point, that’s what we are talking about. It’s a moment of cognition about something that we already know. When the last piece of the puzzle falls into place, the image is suddenly finished; it no longer seems to be made of parts, rather you see it as a whole picture.
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