He held Steve’s face in his hands, his heart pounding as he saw the face, the one from the drawing. Devotion, trust, and most of all, love. “I want to deserve you.”
“Let me show you that you do.”
As soon as he let him go, Steve went back to task, though it wasn’t like a chore for him. Each pantleg was slowly brought up the leg, and he stood, watching and feeling the gentle way in which Steve pulled the pants over his hips.
It was the same with the T-shirt, a plain black cotton shirt, but the way Steve pulled it on him, so softly, it could have been made of silk. Steve left and came back with a brush, sitting behind Matt on the back of the couch, running the bristles through his drying hair, caressing his neck as he held him in place.
The feel of Steve’s breath as he touched his lips to the side of his neck, hypnotizing Matt with the intimacy of every act. Steve’s hands kneaded the tense muscles of his shoulders while he lay kisses there.
He did the same for Matt’s feet, rubbing them until Matt moaned with the feeling before Steve moved the socks over them. What nearly floored Matt the most, however, was when the socks were in place and Steve placed a kiss on the top of each of his feet.
The quiet that surrounded the whole experience reminded him of a ritual, one that was culminating in a pact that stayed unspoken. All the dark fantasies he’d had didn’t seem so dirty. He’d wanted things he didn’t understand and in one moment of Steve’s submission, he understood everything he’d felt for so long.
“Come here,” Matt said, pulling him up to sit beside him on the sofa. Steve waited, not rushing him as he tried to find the words to express how grateful he was. “I…I said I don’t want to hurt you and I mean that. I don’t want to take advantage of this. I don’t want to be like those men, like my father and the others. I don’t understand a lot of this, and you’ll have to teach me how to do it right.”
Steve didn’t say a word, but he did nod once, his eyes soft.
He sought the words, but he wasn’t sure himself of what he wanted to say, so instead, he explained, “Where and how I was raised, it’s hard enough for me to know that I’m gay and the way that’s wrong. I mean, I know, it’s not something I picked or anything, but it’s hard for me to be gay and feel what I feel and not wonder if that is wrong. That, coupled with what I’ve been told about my virginity, how important it is to save that until it’s with someone I’m married to…I don’t know if you understand, but I can’t just jump into this with you, not with the way I feel about you, and not worry that I’m being just like all the other men I’ve seen that only think of their own sexual needs.”
“You know this isn’t a choice for us, Matt. I know that rationally you know that. Being gay and two men loving one another isn’t wrong. No matter what our respective churches tried to teach.”
“I know, at least I think I know that. Still, gay or not, sex isn’t something I consider to be a casual thing. I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be ruled by my body. I want my heart and mind to have the first say.”
Steve caressed his cheek, nodding to his words, then added his own. “I don’t want you to think that I have to rush into that. I respect your feelings and what you need more than you can know.”
“Until…until I get it, and I figure out what the heck I’m supposed to do, or what I’m supposed to be, I don’t want to feel dirty. I don’t want you to think that’s all I want, and I don’t want to think that about myself. I know I’m not explaining this right, but I hope you know what I mean. I mean, I do want to make love to you. I want it very much, but if I start this like that, it’ll feel wrong to me. I need to know you’re mine and I’m yours and in a lot of ways besides that. So…I guess what I mean is…can we wait for that? Will you wait?”
“Yes, Matt. I will wait for as long as you need.”
Chapter Thirteen
Matt’s lips were softly placed on his, Steve feeling how unsure Matt was about everything. Everything except that he wanted Steve. That was relayed perfectly in the kiss that lasted no more than a moment.
“Do you know what courting is?”
His heart pounded harder, if that was possible. Such an innocent question, given with such hope and fear at once. “I do. It’s like dating, only there’s no sexual component, and the end goal isn’t so much to enjoy each other’s company, but to see if the two courting are compatible for marriage.”
He saw Matt’s surprise, but he loved that he smiled after that wore off. “Yeah. Exactly. I know it’s probably old fashioned to you, and I get it from the compound and my former religion, but…”
“I’d be honored to be courted by you, Matt. You set the rules, and I’ll happily follow them.”
“Rules. Okay, well, we already agreed not to jump into…sex. We have a live-in chaperone.”
Somewhere between a groan and laugh came from him as he thought about Stacy’s possible reaction. “She’s going to have a field day with this, you realize that, don’t you?”
His laughter joined in as he agreed, “She’s going to torture us.”
When they left the room to find her, she was in the kitchen, her hair pulled back in a short and messy ponytail, the makeup she’d been wearing was gone, leaving her a bit pale looking, and she was busy scrubbing the kitchen counter.
“Stacy, what the heck?” Steve was amazed watching her as she barely glanced up before sinking to her knees, scrubbing the front of the cabinet.
“I’m cleaning.”
“We can see that,” Matt said, heading around the island to take the sponge from her and help her back to her feet. “What happened?”
Avoiding his stare, she leaned on the sink and confessed, “I clean when I’m stressing, okay?”
“Why are you stressing?”
Steve squirmed as he answered for her. “Charlie is being replaced on this case. Well, replaced isn’t right, there wasn’t actually a case, not officially. Being nothing is going on with it for now, and Charlie’s specialty isn’t…” The word cult had such bad connotations, and he was, after all, speaking about Matt’s family, he didn’t want to say it.
“Cult. Charlie already said it, you have, Stacy has, don’t shy away from it now just because we’re courting.”
Stacy’s head whipped from one side to the other as she stared at them in turn. “Courting? So you guys…?”
Matt smiled quickly and announced, “We’re courting. That’s what we were coming to talk to you about, but this is more important for now. What’s going on?” He glared at Steve, angry. “And don’t try to hide stuff from me because we’re together now.”
All he’d been taught about being with a dominant man came to him, and he realized he should have told Matt head on, from the start. Lowering his eyes in shame, he explained, “Charlie is on another case and they’re sending someone else. I’m not sure who or when.”
“And you didn’t think you should tell me?”
Stacy soothed, “Matt, don’t be angry at him, you weren’t going to be left in the dark over it. How could you be? The agent, whoever that is, is coming here to speak to you and Dean. Where is Dean, anyway? Have you heard from him?”
“Not for a couple of days, but he’s working. He couldn’t miss more work,” he said, and Steve could see that his anger was waning in favor of fear over having a new person, a person in law enforcement, in on it. “Stacy, if it’s not Charlie…”
“Charlie assured me that his superiors are every bit as concerned as we are about not rolling through there like a steam engine. Everything will be done with discretion and respect to those not involved. At this point, Matt, the children won’t be taken, the compound is not being raided. I think what they want to do is quietly arrest only those involved, but that can’t happen until they have the proof.”
Steve grabbed his hand and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Matt. I should have told you right away.”
He was happily surprised when he was brought close, so Matt could embrace him, wrapping his arms around his
shoulders. Steve felt so loved and wanted in that moment, that Matt could place his personal worry aside to assure him…
“It’s not your fault.”
Stacy piped in as the embrace ended, “Wait, so you two are finally…?”
Steve ducked his head as he admitted, “Like he said, we’re courting.”
“Courting? Like the old timey thing?”
Matt growled playfully at her and asked, “Got a problem with that?”
“Not a bit,” she said, laughing nervously. “Cool?”
“It is cool,” Steve told her. “And we needed to ask you a favor, to be our…our chaperone.”
“Chaperone? Like not let you two bone?”
Groaning, Matt went to the fridge to grab a soda and let Steve explain it to her. “Yeah, though I don’t think you need to be so crude about it. We decided to wait on being intimate in that way. Matt wants, and I agree, that we need to establish a relationship before we…”
“Bone,” she finished, not hesitating a bit. “Wow. That’s weird, but kinda cool, I guess. Sure, I would love to be your chaperone. What are the perimeters? No kissing? Holding hands okay? Mutual masturbation okay?”
“Stacy!” Matt was blushing wildly, and Steve couldn’t do anything but laugh.
“Sorry, but I need to know my assignment. And, by the way, I’m charging your cousin extra for this.”
Matt whispered, “Shoot. Mac. I should call him.”
He left the room to do just that and Stacy started throwing out whispered questions to him, her cleaning spree forgotten. “What the hell is courting exactly and what the hell am I supposed to do? Tackle you guys if you get to close? Where the hell did this even come from?”
“It was his idea. He was raised with religion, like I was. When a person is told from the minute they are born that sex is a horrible, dirty thing until they’re married, it leaves a mark. He doesn’t want me to think that’s all he wants from me, and I want the same. I want to prove to him that I want him, not his dick, okay?”
Shaking her head, she replied, “That’s amazing. I couldn’t do it.”
“Yeah, you could. If Charlie asked it of you, you could. I know you love him.”
“You really love Matt, don’t you?”
He hadn’t told Matt yet, so admitting it to her wouldn’t be right. “The way I feel about him, Stacy, I just…”
“No words, huh? Wow. I’m really glad Charlie sent us here. If anyone can get him through all this, I think no one could better than you.”
He hoped that to be true. He wanted to do whatever it took for Matt to know his feelings. Submitting or not, Matt was the one he wanted to give himself to, heart and soul…and body, eventually.
“I ask again, what do I have to do?”
That was the thing, he wasn’t sure. “I guess don’t leave us alone for too long? Um…keep us from having sex? I don’t know, Stacy. It’s not like I’ve ever done this before. I date, which means two people spending time alone or at dinner or dancing or movie and it generally ends in sex.”
“You fuck on the first date, don’t you?” She was laughing, but Steve wanted to swallow his tongue, looking over his shoulder to make sure Matt hadn’t heard that, and he stared at her with his eyes bugging out.
“Shut up! Will you?”
“Oh, right, sorry. Anyway, okay. I’ll keep you two chaste and charge Mac and Leo a ton for it. Sounds like fun, actually. I love being a pain in the ass.”
“Really? I would have never guessed,” he told her, his words coated heavily in sarcasm. She tweaked his nose and gave him a wink, laughing at his grumpy face.
Matt came in, telling the both of them, “Mac said he’s seen a few cars driving by that he didn’t know, but he can’t be sure it’s anything bad. He’s keeping an eye out and he’s told his guests to be careful too.”
“That can’t be good for business,” Stacy said. “But they’re safe. That’s all that matters for now.”
Matt asked Steve, “Did you two talk about her chaperoning?”
“Yes. She’s fine with it, only she’s not sure of what to do exactly, and I’m in the dark as to what to tell her. Maybe the two of you should go over the rules.”
He shrugged and listed, “Don’t leave us alone for long, and if it looks like we’re getting too close to anything overly sexual, you stop us.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
Matt turned to Steve, asking him for his first date. “I know we can’t really go anywhere, like a movie or anything, but I was thinking of taking you to where I’ve been walking. There’s a little creek and some nice shade trees.”
“A picnic,” Stacy suggested.
“Yeah! If you’d like.”
Steve was melting over the mere thought of it. “I’d love that. I’ve never been on a picnic with a date, or anything like that. My parents would take me to Central Park sometimes for one, though.”
His hand was taken, Matt’s eyes narrowed as he said, “Our first date.”
“Matt, you’re making me crazy.”
He squeezed Matt’s hand, wishing for nothing more than to kiss him, to be held tight for the rest of the day. The moment between them stretched on, their eyes meeting, then cutting away, shy smiles. He hadn’t gotten this when he was a kid, that shy, sweet young love that every teenager dreams about. He’d laid in bed every night, thinking on the moment he’d hold another boy’s hand, making plans for dates, having someone who wanted his attention as much as he wanted theirs.
Thinking those days were long gone, he felt as if he’d gone back in time, to right all the wrongs. He could only hope he was doing the same for Matt, who needed this more than he ever could.
“Hey, hello! Remember me?”
Stacy was smirking at the two of them, and Matt released his hand. “Sorry, Stacy. What’s for dinner?”
“I’m not cooking! Steve is the cook around here.”
Jumping into action, he asked the two, “What are you guys in the mood for?”
Matt didn’t say a thing, but Stacy, of course, chimed in with, “Steak.”
He laughed because she was with him when he’d found the three sirloins at the store. “Right. How about steak, scalloped potatoes, and asparagus?”
Stacy mumbled, “Jesus, I’m going to get fat.”
Matt ignored her, and leaned over the island. “It sounds perfect.”
There was that feeling again, the jittering in his stomach, his heart pounding, head spinning. Love sick, yeah, that was it. It felt like the best flu, keeping him off-balance, dizzy and happier than he remembered ever being.
When he made dinner that evening, he put extra love into it. He wanted it to be absolutely perfect. He cut cherry tomatoes into roses and added an extra bit of butter to the potatoes, heavy cream with flecks of parsley and basil. The steaks were a perfect medium rare and he made fresh lemonade, squeezing the entire bowl of lemons while the steaks broiled.
The two at the table moaned like they were in heaven throughout the meal, and Matt thanked him over and over, then tried to help him clean up afterward, but he begged, “Please, go sit. You’re doing the courting, but I’m doing my thing. I want to do this kind of thing for you. Okay?”
“I don’t want to be lazy.”
“You’re not. I swear. You have a lot on your mind, and you need time to relax.”
Matt kissed him quickly and went off to find a movie for the three of them to watch. Steve, on the other hand, hummed as he cleaned the kitchen, wiping each plate in circles as he let his thoughts run crazily about what the future may hold for him and Matt. All the wonderful possibilities that were there for them.
Then, he thought about the night, and Matt having to go to that small room with the uncomfortable pull-out bed. Before he joined them in the living room, he rushed to take care of that. He moved Matt’s things into the master bedroom and moved what he’d need out of there. He emptied three drawers for Matt, set his clothes in them, then stared up at the picture of the two men by the dress
er, the one Matt had been staring at when he’d found him.
Envious of the man on his knees, that was how Steve had felt every time he’d look at it, but not anymore. On his knees, by his side, in the same room or house with Matt, that took his former envy. Matt was going to be his, going to be there for him and with him. It was a dream.
Stacy sat between them, thinking she was being funny, but it somehow worked. Not being able to sit together made them want one another all the more. Matt would peek his head behind Stacy, smiling over at him with his eyes twinkling. Steve was floored with each time he did that. There was no one in the world as beautiful as the man. They’d purposely dive into the bowl of popcorn Stacy held on her lap at the same time. Twice, she smacked their hands when they took too long, touching fingers through the puffs.
She teased them a little, but even she was getting a kick out of them. There was more laughter and celebration that night than he could remember, like one long giggle.
When they were ready for bed, Stacy escorted Matt to the room he’d been using, but Steve stopped them in the hall. “I moved your stuff into my room, Matt.”
“Uh, no,” Stacy said. “No sleeping together! I’m not sleeping in there with you two while you play grab-ass!”
“I’m taking the spare room, Stacy. Matt should have the big bed. He’s hurt still, and the mattress will be better for his ribs and back.”
Matt started to argue, but Stacy cut him off. “It’s true. Plus, he’s doing it to be sweet, so don’t hurt his feelings. Just go in and enjoy it.”
“Fine,” he huffed. “Can I kiss him goodnight?”
“Hug,” she said. “Save the kissing for later.”
Steve scowled at her, but that annoyance was forgotten when Matt’s arms wrapped around his neck and he grinned sweetly at him, telling him in a breathless voice, “Goodnight, honey.”
“Goodnight.”
Though their lips didn’t touch, when Matt pulled him closer, nuzzling his face in Steve’s neck, it was better than if they’d been able to make out, his warm breathing promising to send him into some very nice dreams.
The next day, after breakfast, they made their plans to have lunch outside in the fresh spring air for their picnic. Steve made fried chicken and potato salad, while Matt tried again to call Dean, with no luck. “He’s still not answering. I know he doesn’t work this early.”
The Principle (Legacy Book 2) Page 12
