After minutes of Bobby holding me in his arms in silence, I finally raised my eyes to meet his. I didn't say anything, but my red eyes said it all.
He pressed his forehead against mine and sighed. “I know, Lil. I know.”
“I don't want to go back,” I said. “But . . .”
“Rory couldn't take it,” he said. “And I just came back. It wouldn't be fair.”
“I know.”
Despite it all, I loved Rory. Not as a lover, but as someone I had known my entire life. As a partner. There was a time where things weren't so bad. I couldn't just walk away on a whim, but I knew he and I couldn't go on like this. At that moment though, I didn't have any answers. There was no way this equation could be arranged without one person being an unsolvable variable.
“I don't want to think about anything except you in front of me right now,” Bobby said as he gently pulled the straps of my dress back onto my shoulders. “You know how in the club tonight, you were my girl?”
“Yes.”
“Can we just let that stay for the night? And then tomorrow we can talk about the things we need to talk about? I just want to have it be us for once and no one else.”
“I'd like that.” I smiled, giving myself permission, like I did the night Bobby and I first made love, to forget the rest of the world existed.
I thought of the Lightly lake house as a mausoleum, a place where the most important parts of me had died. But they hadn’t. Bobby had just taken them with him, and now he had brought them back. This lake house was our safe place, by the gentle waters and under the too-big moon, amongst the chirping of the cicadas.
Bobby looked at me longingly as we tried to take in every second with each other.
Sometimes when I would be out to dinner or at the park, and I'd see couples together, I wondered how many of them loved each other the way Bobby and I did. And I wondered if they understood how lucky they were to have the privilege of getting to wake up next to that person, eat breakfast with them, listen to the radio, dance, argue, or take care of the other while they were sick. Bobby and I had to steal every moment of our love in the dark.
“I have an idea,” he said, sliding me off of his lap. He stood up, his jeans still unbuttoned and hanging off his hips. “Let's wash off in the lake, then we can set up a nest. I have some blankets in the truck if we need them.”
“That's a great idea,” I beamed.
We pulled off our clothes, leaving them in a heap on the living room floor and ran down to the lake. Same rules as always: no clothes, no light, just the moon. We laughed. We teased. Bobby tossed me around as I splashed. I had forgotten I could still do those things. Or I had convinced myself those were the games of a child, not a woman.
Though the night was warm, the lake always lent a gentle breeze and the water was frigid, so we ran back to the house shivering.
“Are the linens still here?” Bobby asked.
“We left everything as is.” I wrapped my arms around my trembling body as he ran upstairs to a closet and came back with some towels.
“Here you go. A little musty, but they’ll have to do.” He wrapped one around my shoulders. Just as he did this, his eyes focused with realization as he gently reached for my hair and pulled out a pin, then another, until my damp hair, curled and pinned up, was now cascading down my back and shoulders.
“That's how you looked that night,” he said. “How I always remembered you. No makeup. Long, wet hair. The prettiest girl I had ever seen.”
I wiped at my eyes to clean off what I imagined was smudged mascara from the swim, but the way he looked at me indicated he saw none of it. Bobby wrapped a towel around his waist and walked over to the record collection.
“Surprised you left this here.”
“I guess we kept telling ourselves we'd come back.” I shrugged.
Bobby gave me his button-down shirt to wear and slid his jeans back on, still leaving the fly unbuttoned and slouchy. His long torso extended out from those pants, the body of someone who wasn't afraid to use it for hard labor. Apexes and valleys along his abdomen. Cords of muscles along his neck, arms and back.
His naked feet pattered against the floor as he set up a place in front of the fireplace to sleep. Something about that sound soothed me.
We left on a single lamp, just enough light to cast a candle-like glow on the space. Bobby made it back to the record player, flipping through the albums until he stopped at one.
“Billie Holiday,” he muttered, flipping the cover to skim the tracks. He lowered himself to the floor and sat crossed legged. “You know, I remember when I was little, one night while we were here in the summer, my parents sent me and Rory to bed a little early. We were annoyed, of course. You know how rambunctious we were,” he chuckled.
I walked over to Bobby and stood behind him, fiddling my fingers through his damp hair as he spoke.
“Rory fell asleep eventually, but I snuck out of the bedroom. I thought my parents would be asleep and I would sneak outside, and do whatever the hell a nine or ten-year-old might do.”
“Being you, I am sure it would have been bad news,” I chided.
He chuckled. “Anyway, I noticed the light was on down here and I heard music playing softly. So I crept to the top of the staircase to peek through the bannister, and I caught my mom and dad slow dancing. That's why they sent us to bed, so they could just be alone.”
“That's lovely,” I said.
“Yeah. It stuck because I was young and I didn't understand adult relationships, but I felt really safe watching it. Like, I knew because they loved each other, me and Rory were okay. And then my next thought was who I would want to dance with, and the person who came to mind, without hesitation, was you.”
I took a deep breath and sighed. Sometimes it hurt to hear these things. It only reminded me of how I had been so blind and naive to miss Bobby's feelings for me.
“I didn't understand what that meant at the time. I didn't for a long time,” he added.
I sat down behind him and opened my legs to wrap myself around his much larger frame, resting my cheek on his bare upper back and hooking my arms around his torso.
“Your parents were so in love, weren't they?” I asked. It was something I remembered from childhood, how I always saw them laughing together, stealing glances that they thought we were too young to comprehend. But like Bobby said, even when you didn't understand it, you felt it.
“Yeah, they were.”
“Do you miss them?”
“All the time.” He looked up at the ceiling, drawing a deep breath. “I didn't find out until after the funeral. I was out of range for a while. And it's hard to explain, but during that time, I thought they were still alive when they weren't and the world felt right. The only thing that had changed is that I knew they had died. So I chose to believe they are still out there together and I just can't see them.”
“That's a nice way to think of it.”
“It's good they died together. I don't think either one would have survived the pain of losing the other.”
“As sad as that sounds, you're probably right,” I replied.
Bobby bowed his head for a moment, then shook it wildly as if trying to expel the pain of the loss. He stood up sharply, leaving me sitting on the floor with my legs spread.
He put the Billie record on the player, bending to find the track before dropping the needle. Billie began to sing “All of Me,” filled with the soul and pain that her voice had a magical way of summoning.
Bobby turned around and offered me his hand. “I don't think we've danced enough tonight.”
I extended my hand to meet his. “I think you're right.”
He wrapped his hand around my waist, the other interlinked with mine, as we swayed side to side. He stepped in broad circles, leading me around the open space.
“This is the song,” he murmured in my ear.
I shook my head softly and looked down with a shy smile. “So, I guess you do get to dance with
me to it after all.”
We both sang the lyrics softly, our bodies swinging together like tall grass in the breeze. I rested my head against his chest as he rested his chin on the top of my head. The song came to a close, and we stopped, but we just stood there for a while, not letting go.
“Can I ask you something?” Bobby asked me as we lay intertwined of the floor of the lake house.
“Sure.”
“Children.”
“That's not a question,” I teased, resting my chin on Bobby's chest to gaze up at him.
“You said you had been trying. Did you want them with Rory?”
“It was part of the plan. I guess I did at some point, but it's just not happening.” As soon as I answered, I wondered if Bobby might see me as faulty. A barren woman. “Honestly, as time went on and it didn't happen, I was grateful. I know that sounds horrible, but right now Rory's in no condition.”
“But that issue might be the reason why.”
“I suppose.”
I couldn't help but think that this happened for a reason. Like the close call Bobby had in the war. Maybe Rory and I didn't have children because I wasn't meant to be with him. Maybe I was meant to have children with someone else. Maybe the universe was telling us all something.
“I think it's him, Bobby.”
“What?”
“I went to the doctor to get looked at. We did a bunch of tests and he says he sees no reasons why I shouldn't be 'popping out a brood,’ were his exact words.”
“That's great news.”
“But Rory refuses to get checked. He got so upset when I first mentioned it. I never told him I was looked at. I thought I could soften it by saying we could both go together. That way it didn't seem like I was already blaming him.”
He sighed. “He's going through a lot, isn't he?”
“I think so Bobby. I don't know. You're the only person he would really talk to, and you left.”
“Yeah. I hurt a lot of people.”
“I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry.”
“No, it's okay. It's the truth. I left you all to deal with repercussions because I couldn't.”
It was true. As happy as I was to have Bobby back, a tiny black speck of fear lived in my heart, thinking if things got too painful again, he would vanish.
“I thought we weren't going to talk about these things tonight. I thought this was just us.”
His chest rose and fell with a gentle laugh. “You're right. Just us, Lil.”
“But, I do have a question for you,” I mentioned meekly.
His chest undulated with a small laugh. “Oh you do? And what’s that?”
“Seven years is a long time.” I ran a finger between the small mounds of his abdomen. “Was there ever someone else?”
His chest sunk with a deep breath. “I guess it depends what you mean by that. You’re right. Seven years is a long time. And I’m only human—”
“Of course, Bobby and there’s no reason to be apologetic. But I meant, was there ever someone special?”
He pondered for a moment and then shook his head. “Just you, Lil.” He brushed against the tip of my nose with his knuckle. “Just you.”
I offered a sad smile and kissed his chest.
“Why did you ask then? If it doesn’t bother you?”
“I wouldn’t say the thought of you with another woman doesn’t bother me. Heck, I’ve always been jealous of you and other girls. Just that you don’t have to apologize for it. I guess...I just wanted to know that you weren’t alone. That at least sometimes you had someone there. That even if it wasn’t me, you had someone to make you feel this way or something like it.” I locked my eyes on his earnestly.
He smiled wistfully, tenderly caressing the top of my head. “Just you,” he repeated throatily.
“Just you,” I echoed gently. I rested my head back down on his chest and listened to the beat of his heart, letting it drift me into the deepest sleep I’d had since the summer heat had stolen it from me.
I woke up feeling more refreshed in as long as I could remember. It could have been the clean country air, being back at the lake house or being with Bobby. Maybe it was all of those things.
But when I opened my eyes, Bobby wasn't there.
I sat up, scanning the area to spot his presence, but I saw nothing. Had Bobby left again? Had he panicked, realizing we had just repeated the great sin of our past, and ran? I stood up just as the front door opened. Bobby paraded in shirtless and smiling.
“There's no food here, so I was going to try and surprise you, but,” he pointed at me, “you're wearing my shirt.”
I looked down and felt at myself, remembering every little detail about the night before. “You mean you won't go into town shirtless?” I asked sarcastically.
“Only if you go bottomless, just like that,” he pointed.
I sucked my teeth. “Fine, you can have it back. Good morning by the way,” I sassed.
“And a fine morning to you,” he sassed back.
I made the choice to stay there in front of him as I slowly unbuttoned each button, tauntingly gliding the shirt down my shoulders as I stood there, fresh sunlight pouring in, illuminating my bare skin.
His eyes roved over me. “Well,” he huffed. “That's a sight to behold.”
But today we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, we were back to Lilly, his brother's wife, and Bobby, my brother in law. At least that's what I thought. We chose not to talk about it the night before and that made for unclear rules this morning.
I snatched my dress from the sofa and slid it on.
“I'm coming with,” I said.
He smiled. “Good. It's about time you did something around here.” He winked, feigning the disgruntled husband. Oh, I had lived plenty of that reality.
“But first, where are my shoes?” I asked.
“I believe I may have spotted one outside.” His smirk made my stomach tingle with recollections of the night we had just shared.
We hopped in the pickup and headed towards the one general store in town. The bells chimed as we stepped in, but no one was to be found.
“So, what are you thinking for breakfast?” I asked.
“You decide. Whatever you want.”
“I'm hungry. Starved.” I reached for a bag of potatoes. “Home fries.” I grabbed a loaf of bread. “French toast.” I walked up and down the aisles. “Where's the bacon?” I muttered.
“Sure you're not expecting?” he asked, peeking his head through an opening on the shelf.
I sneered at him, reaching through the shelves for a love tap, but he ducked. I ran around the aisle to catch him, but he was gone. Then I felt arms scoop around me from behind and I yelped as he lifted me off the floor.
I cackled as I wrestled from his grip. “If you keep this up, I'm going to make you my meatloaf!” I shouted, self-deprecatingly.
“Oh no, not the meatloaf.”
He put me to my feet and I spun around. “You said you LOVED my meatloaf,” I poked at his chest.
He put his hands up. “I do. I did. I swear. I'm just messing with you. You were the one who insulted your own loaf.”
“That's when you were supposed to then compliment it! I made it so easy for you to win me over. Take this loaf!” I hurled my loaf of bread a him, and he caught it, then he grabbed my forearm and pulled me in for a kiss. I guess I didn't quite understand what today's rules were. As our lips locked, footsteps marched in from the back of the store. An older man plopped a box on the counter and we hastily pulled away from each other.
“Good morning,” he called out. “Let me know if you need any help.”
“Thank you,” I answered. “Actually, we just need some eggs and bacon and we'll be on our way.”
“Let me just grab that for you. Meet me up at the counter.”
I recognized the man as soon as he placed the eggs and bacon on the counter alongside our other things. He had owned this store, I think since it had opened. He began to tally the items
, when he squinted at Bobby.
“Heeeey, aren't you the Lightlys' boy?”
“Yes I am.” He smiled.
“Ooooh, my goodness, I haven't seen a Lightly in these parts, what has it been, five . . . six years?”
“Sounds about right,” he replied.
The man looked over at me. “And you, you used to be in these parts all the time as well. One of the Gales' daughters.”
“Yes, I spent summers with the Lightlys. My family would stay in one of the cabins on their property.”
“Ooooh,” he murmured. “Well you two look so grown.” He bagged a few items before acknowledging Bobby. “By the way, I am so sorry about your parents. They were just the finest people.”
“Thank you,” Bobby replied somberly.
“You know, I could have sworn you married Rory,” the man chuckled. “I went to your wedding, but maybe my age is showing.”
I grew nauseous with shame. Even here. Our place. Our escape. We could not escape the wrong we had committed. We could not escape the ever present cloud of our loyalties.
“I, uh, I'm going to go wait in the truck,” I said with a thin smile.
I felt Bobby's concerned stare, but I didn't look back as the bells on the door signaled my exit.
Bobby came to the truck with two bags full of the essentials we had bought. My aura had grown tense and silent. What exactly were we doing here? Was this an affair? Would we go back home and pretend this never happened? Or was this the start of something more frightening—the thing I had longed for for seven painful years?
I ripped through the tense silence. “I should head home.”
“What about breakfast?”
“I forgot Rory might call and he'll be concerned if we don't answer.” It was a half-truth. Rory wouldn't panic for a few days. I often missed his calls while running errands, but it sounded like a good enough excuse.
“Is this because of what Mr. Cooper said in there? He was just an old man making small talk.”
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