by Simon Rich
ME: Can I use a graphing calculator?
MURDERER: Yes, of course. Oh – and here’s a list of necessary formulas.
ME: Great, thanks. Okay, let’s see … sin2x = 2cosxsinx?
MURDERER: That’s correct. You’re free to go.
2
OLD RICH MAN: Hello, everyone. I’ve gone completely insane. Whoever solves this trigonometry problem fastest gets all of the money in my will.
ME: Can we use graphing calculators?
OLD RICH MAN: Yes – and the necessary formulas are on the second page.
ME: Cool. Is it t = 50?
OLD RICH MAN: I need it expressed to me in radians.
ME: t = 0.28?
OLD RICH MAN: Congratulations, here is all my money.
Ouija board
Oh, thank God … Five young conjurers are trying to communicate with me. Now I can finally reveal the identity of my killer!
Is there a spirit present?
Yes!
(Giggling.)
Girls, listen to me. My name is Craig Swieskowski. I was murdered by a man named Bruce Kobza.
Does Trevor like Janet?
What? How should I know? Listen, Bruce Kobza poisoned me to death! There’s a video recording of the murder in a locked briefcase in his apartment. You need to break into his bedroom, unlock the briefcase and show the tape to the police!
Y … E … S! (Hysterical laughter.) Trevor likes you, Janet!
Okay … that’s … that’s fine. I’m glad we got that out of our system.
But now it’s time to get serious. We might not have another chance to talk like this. I need you girls to go to Mt. Sinai Cemetery and dig up my body. Do an autopsy. You’ll find—
Who likes Sophie?
Jesus, it’s like you’re not even listening to me! Bruce Kobza murdered me! (sighing) Okay … fine, I’ll try to use the damn board. B …
B!
R…
R! Hey, he’s spelling out Brian Pasternak! Brian Pasternak likes Sophie!
No!
Spirit? Are we pretty? Or … do we need to lose a little bit of weight?
You don’t need to lose any weight … You should all be thankful you’re alive and healthy.
L-O-S-E W-E-I-G-H-T. Guess we’ll have to keep dieting, huh?
What? That’s not what I said at all! (Sighs.) It doesn’t matter.
Rebellion
Unfortunately, I started rebelling against my parents at around the same time I developed body odour.
– Son, I strongly suggest that you start wearing deodorant.
– Fuck you, Dad. I’ve got bigger plans.
– Please, son, I’m not the only one who feels strongly about this. Your teachers sent me a letter by messenger. It was signed by some of your classmates.
– Give the Man whatever he wants, right, Dad? Always obey the Man. That’s your great philosophy of life.
– Yes, that’s fine, son. Listen. It’s really bad. The smell is really bad.
– Hey, Dad, guess what? I’m not going to synagogue anymore.
– Okay … Please, son, I bought you these different kinds of deodorant. If you don’t like any of them, I’ll go back to the store and buy you more kinds. Hey, here’s a cool one. It’s for athletes.
– I’m moving out! I’m going to live under the overpass! Some of those people fought in wars, Dad. You didn’t fight in any wars.
– Okay, that’s … All that’s fine. Please put this on, son. You … you carry my name.
Bar mitzvah
After you have your bar mitzvah, you will be a man in the eyes of God.
– my rabbi
June 7, 1997
GOD: Any bar mitzvahs today?
ANGEL: Yes … Simon Rich has prepared twelve lines of Torah for his congregation at Central Synagogue.
GOD: Ah, then he must be very manly!
ANGEL: (hesitating) Yes.
GOD: Has this man started a family?
ANGEL: Um … not yet.
GOD: I assume, though, that he has prospects?
ANGEL: I’m not sure I know how to answer that question.
GOD: I’d like to have a look at this strapping fellow! Where is he?
ANGEL: In his bedroom. (Points.)
GOD: Oh. Well … I must admit he’s not as robust as I would have imagined, given his mastery of Torah. But appearances aren’t everything! What’s that he’s doing?
ANGEL: I believe he’s playing a video game, sir. Shufflepuck.
GOD: Does it … have to do with Torah?
ANGEL: Well, actually, it’s sort of like air hockey. Except … you play against space aliens, on a computer.
GOD: Why is he dancing?
ANGEL: I believe he just beat a challenging level.
GOD: So this dance is a kind of … celebration.
ANGEL: Yes.
GOD: I take it from his enthusiasm that this is the first time he’s beaten this particular level.
ANGEL: Well, actually, he does this dance whenever he beats any level of any video game. See … there. He’s doing it again.
GOD: Yes, I see. It’s the same dance, all right.
ANGEL: It’s usually not as … frenetic … as this. He’s probably nervous about his upcoming bar mitzvah.
GOD: Who is that man, on the poster above his bed?
ANGEL: His name is Weird Al Yankovic.
GOD: I’ve never heard of him. Is he … a Talmudic scholar?
ANGEL: Um … yes.
A fantasy I had in seventh grade
Dear seventh graders,
Congratulations to all of the students who passed the Presidential Fitness Test! In three weeks, you will be engaged in warfare with the enemies of the United States.
I’d like to give special kudos to football co-captains Lance and Trevor, who both scored above the 90th percentile. You’ll be going directly to the front lines.
Unfortunately, those of you who scored beneath the 35th percentile will not be allowed to participate in this war. You will, however, get to help out with strategizing – i.e., deciding which soldiers go on the most dangerous missions.
Also, I have been informed that while some of you lack athletic ability, you are very talented at computer simulation games. I cannot tell you how highly these skills are prized in today’s modern army. Next week, we will be having a Presidential Videogame Fitness Test. Anyone who scores higher than 7,000 points on Crystal Quest will be given control of the entire Western Front. Anyone who scores higher than 8,000 points will become President.
Good luck to you all,
The President
Pen pal
In seventh grade, everyone in my class was assigned a foreign pen pal. Mine was from Bulgaria, and his name was Bojidar. We exchanged letters once a month, and at the end of the year we wrote reports about each other’s countries based on what we had learned. Here is his report:
Life in the USA
By Bojidar
Of all the boys in the United States, Simon is the most popular. Simon is especially very popular with the girls at his school. I am very lucky that I was assigned the pen pal Simon, because it turns out that he is a very important American!
To the American girls, Simon is like a matador. They carry around in their pockets pictures of his face, and they trade the pictures to each other like they are currency. Rebecca, the most beautiful girl in America, wants to be his girlfriend but she does not say anything to him about it because she is afraid he will say no. The girls are impressed with Simon because (i) he does very well at all the videogames, and (2) he knows all the facts about the planets in outer space.
The cool things to wear in America are sweatpants, hand-me-down T-shirts, and big braces on your mouth and head. Another cool thing is to wear Velcro shoes. Here is a photograph of my pen pal. The average height for a thirteen-year-old boy in the United States is four feet five inches tall. So although he is small by the Bulgarian standard, in the United States, Simon is a boy of average size.
In the Uni
ted States, a normal thing for boys is to go to a speech doctor every day after school to learn how to make the l, s, r, and t sounds. This is not something that is weird in the United States. In the United States, a cool thing is to listen to songs from the Disney movies, such as Aladdin, Small Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast. Here is an example about that: One time my pen pal was listening to a tape of Disney songs on a Walkman machine, and Trevor, the leader of the lacrosse team, opened the machine and saw that the tape inside was Small Mermaid. There were a lot of girls from the school standing near them also. When Trevor looked at the tape, he said something like “That is a normal thing for a boy to be listening to, you are a cool guy.” Then Trevor and the girls came over to Simon’s house and they all listened to the Disney songs together and became friends. That is how things work in America.
If life were like middle school
JUDGE: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say in your defense before I sentence you?
CRIMINAL: Nope.
JUDGE: In that case, I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
VICTIM: Wait – what? That doesn’t make any sense! He attacked me!
JUDGE: I don’t care who started it.
Ninth-grade experiments
1
OBSERVATION: None of the girls in my class think that I’m cool.
RESEARCH: My older brother told me that the political hard-core band Rage Against the Machine is cool.
HYPOTHESIS: If I pretend to be really into the political hard-core band Rage Against the Machine, then the girls in my class will think that I’m cool.
MATERIALS:
1 Rage Against the Machine album
1 Rage Against the Machine T-shirt
1 Rage Against the Machine bandanna
METHODS:
Wear the T-shirt and bandanna every single day for an entire month.
Make fun of everybody in the class for listening to bands that are less politically intense than Rage Against the Machine. Especially make fun of the girls who I am trying to impress.
Quote Rage Against the Machine lyrics constantly, regardless of the situation.
If someone asks me what I’m talking about, roll my eyes and say, “You probably wouldn’t get it. It has to do with communism.”
If someone calls my bluff and asks me what communism is, bang my fist against the table and say, “God, stop being such a poser!”
WAS YOUR HYPOTHESIS CORRECT? No.
2
OBSERVATION: None of the girls in my class think that I’m cool.
RESEARCH: Mike Cobalt wears gel in his hair and the girls think he’s cool.
HYPOTHESIS: If I wear gel in my hair, then the girls will think I’m cool.
MATERIAL:
1 large bottle of Dep Shaping Gel (Extra Super Hold)
METHODS:
Wear gel in my hair every day for a week.
When my mom stops me at the elevator every morning and begs to help me use the gel because I “don’t understand how it works,” become so furious with her that I’m almost at the brink of tears.
WAS YOUR HYPOTHESIS CORRECT? No.
3
OBSERVATION: None of the girls in my class think that I’m cool. But one of the girls in my history class has started being nice to me.
RESEARCH: Sometimes when I’m eating lunch alone in the cafeteria, she sits down next to me, voluntarily. One time, when the two of us were alone in an elevator, she said, “God, Saturdays are so boring. I wish someone would take me to a movie or something.”
HYPOTHESIS: If I ask her out, she might say yes – as long as I do it in a super-slick way.
MATERIALS:
3 cans of Jolt cola
METHODS:
Go to the bathroom at lunch and drink all three cans of Jolt to “get pumped.”
Walk around her table in a circle until she motions for me to sit down next to her.
Pretend that I just noticed for the first time that she was sitting in the cafeteria, even though it’s basically empty except for me and her.
Sit down across from her.
When she asks me if everything is okay, because parts of my face are twitching, tell her that I’m fine.
Don’t say anything for ten whole minutes.
Tell her that The Waterboy starring Adam Sandler is opening on Friday.
Wait a little while for that information to sink in.
When she asks me if I’m planning on seeing it, say yes.
When she asks me if I’m going to see it with anyone, say no.
Stare at my tray for a few minutes, until she pokes me on the shoulder and says, “Hey … do you want to ask me to go with you?”
Look up and nod.
WAS YOUR HYPOTHESIS CORRECT? Yes!
What I imagined the people around me were saying when I was …
Eleven
– Oh, man, I can’t believe that kid Simon missed that ground ball! How pathetic!
– Wait … he’s staring at his baseball glove with a confused expression on his face. Maybe there’s something wrong with his glove and that’s why he messed up?
– Yes, that’s probably what happened.
Twelve
– Did that kid sitting behind us on the bus just get an erection?
– I don’t know. For a while, I thought that was the case, but now that he’s holding a book on his lap, it’s impossible to tell.
– I guess we’ll never know what the situation was.
Thirteen
– Hey, look, that thirteen-year-old is walking around with his mom!
– Where?
– There – in front of the supermarket!
– Oh my God! That kid is way too old to be hanging out with his mom. Even though I’ve never met him, I can tell he’s a complete loser.
– Wait a minute … he’s scowling at her and rolling his eyes.
– Oh, yeah … and I think I just heard him curse at her, for no reason.
– I guess he’s cool after all.
Fourteen
– Why does that kid have a black X on the back of his right hand?
– I bet it’s because he went to some kind of cool rock concert last night.
– Wow … he must’ve stayed out pretty late if he didn’t have time to scrub it off.
– Yeah, and that’s probably why his hair is so messy and unwashed. Because he cares more about rocking out than conforming to society.
– Even though he isn’t popular in the traditional sense, I respect him from afar.
Fifteen
– Hey, look, that kid is reading Howl by Allen Ginsberg.
– Wow. He must be some kind of rebel genius.
– I’m impressed by the fact that he isn’t trying to call attention to himself.
– Yeah, he’s just sitting silently in the corner, flipping the pages and nodding, with total comprehension.
– It’s amazing: he’s so absorbed in his book that he isn’t even aware that a party is going on around him, with dancing and fun.
– Why aren’t any girls going over and talking to him?
– I guess they’re probably a little intimidated by his brilliance.
– Well, who wouldn’t be?
– I’m sure the girls will talk to him soon.
– It’s only a matter of time.
Sixteen
– Hey, look, it’s that kid Simon who wrote that scathing poem for the literary magazine.
– You mean the one about how people are phonies? Wow – I loved that poem!
– Me too. Reading it made me realize for the first time that everyone is a phony, including me.
– The only person at this school who isn’t a phony is Simon.
– Yeah. He sees right through us.
My friend’s new girlfriend
M
y friend Jared found a girlfriend this summer, and I am so jealous. We’re the two least popular kids in the ninth grade and we’ve always been best friends. But now Jared’s always bragging about his girlfriend and how awesome she is. It makes me feel so pathetic. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, but this girl sounds incredible. Her name is Tiffany Sparkle. She goes to a different school, a modelling academy in New Brunswick. He showed me some pictures of her from magazines, and believe me, she is hot. He met her over the summer, when he was visiting his grandparents in Canada. He saved her life. She was about to get run over by a double-decker bus when all of a sudden Jared skateboarded through traffic and pushed her out of the way. There was a huge crowd of Canadians standing around, and when Jared saved Tiffany’s life everybody just started cheering like crazy. Then she kissed him on the mouth. When I heard that story, I was like “Give me a break!” because it was just about the coolest thing I had ever heard in my entire life! They spent the rest of the summer having sex all over the place in all of the different sex positions. And now they talk every night on the phone.
The amazing thing about this girl is that she isn’t just hot. She also shares a lot of Jared’s interests. She’s totally into Web design and the game Warcraft. And she’s also really shy. For example, when she visited Jared over spring break, she didn’t want to meet me because she was too embarrassed. When I heard that, I was like “Come on!” because that is so like Jared. It’s kind of amazing that they found each other.
There are other similarities too. Like, he showed me a letter she wrote him last week about how she wanted to try out some new kind of sex position, and at first I thought he had written it himself because their handwritings are so similar. Tiffany also has severe bronchial asthma, which is pretty great for Jared, because now he has someone to talk to about that.
The big ninth grade dance is in four days. I asked Jared to set me up with one of Tiffany’s friends from her modelling academy, but he said that everybody there already has a boyfriend. I asked him for advice on how to find a date, but all of his suggestions involved saving girls’ lives. In the end, I decided to just walk up to this girl I like named Laura and ask her point-blank if she wanted to go with me. I was so nervous that my arms and legs were shaking really fast like they do in gym class when the teacher says it’s my turn to lead stretches. But I asked her anyway and she said yes.
