by Simon Rich
There are a lot of books to read so when I get back home on Sunday morning I will probably look pretty exhausted and strung out.
Love,
Sarah
Dear Diary,
Something great happened today! I was hanging out with Drake, in a public place, when all of a sudden he said, “Guess what, Sarah? I think I’m going to start applying myself.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I’m going to stop being a delinquent and start having life prospects,” he said. “And I’m going to stop hanging out with those kids who use drugs and then plant them on me sometimes so that I get in trouble even though I never do any drugs.”
“Wow,” I said. “That’s great!”
“That’s not all,” he said. “I’ve decided to go back to high school and get my diploma.”
“Really?” I said. “How come?”
“Simple,” he said. “You can’t become an assistant regional sales manager for Hurwitz Amalgamated Appliances and Machinery without a degree. And that’s what I want to be when I grow up.”
When I told him that my Dad had that exact job he couldn’t believe it!
“Wow,” he said. “Your Dad sounds incredible. The more nice things you tell me about him, the more I respect him. That said, I don’t have time to meet him, because I’m so busy studying all the time. I’ll probably never meet your father and he should definitely stop asking to meet me, but I really look up to him.”
Maybe if my Dad knew about this side of Drake, he wouldn’t say so many mean things about him?
“Even though I’m re-enrolling in high school,” Drake added, “my name won’t be listed in the yearbook or in any of the other official documents given out to parents at the start of each semester. It’s a rule the school has.”
Love,
Sarah
Dear Diary,
Someone framed Drake for drug dealing! The police arrested him in school but everybody knows he’s innocent. He needs $1000 bail or else he’s going to have to spend the night in jail for something he didn’t even do! I hope I can find someone nice enough to help him.
Love,
Sarah
P.S. You want to know something? My Dad is so cool that he’s kind of like my best friend.
Last Supper
JESUS: It has been revealed to me by my Father that before this night is over one of you will betray me. Let us enjoy this final Passover meal, for it will be our last together.
THOMAS: Who’s going to betray you?
JESUS: It will be revealed in time.
MATTHEW: Come on, man, you can’t do that.
THOMAS: Yeah, you can’t just say “Hey, guys, I have this amazing piece of gossip” and then not tell us what it is.
JESUS: You will know the truth soon enough.
JAMES: Damn it. This is going to drive me crazy.
JESUS: This bread is my body. This wine—
BARTHOLOMEW: Why did you bring it up at all if you weren’t going to tell us? I mean seriously, who does that?
THOMAS: If we guess it, will you tell us?
MATTHEW: Is it John? It’s John, isn’ t it!
JESUS: It isn’t John. Friends, please … let’s just enjoy this final meal together.
THOMAS: We can’t enjoy it now!
MATTHEW: Whisper it in my ear. I promise I won’t tell.
JESUS: I can’t, okay? It’s a really big secret.
THOMAS: Okay. Now you have to tell us.
JUDAS: Guys, give him a break. If he doesn’t want to tell, he doesn’t want to tell.
What I want my tombstone to say when I die of encephalitis next week
Here lies Simon Rich, 1984–2016. He died of encephalitis. In the days leading up to his death, his friends made the following comments:
JOSH: Simon, relax, there’s no way you have encephalitis.
ROB: That looks like a regular mosquito bite to me. I really wouldn’t worry if I were you.
KYLE: Just because you saw something on the news about encephalitis, doesn’t mean you have encephalitis. I mean, there have only been, like, five cases in the entire country.
JAKE: Jesus, Simon, will you stop talking about encephalitis?
MONICA: Yeah, it looks swollen, but that’s just because you’ve been poking at it all day, like a crazy person.
AZHAR: Don’t take this the wrong way, Simon, but I think this whole thing might be psychological. You’ve been kind of depressed lately and I think you’re using this encephalitis thing as a way to distract yourself from all of the things that you’re really afraid of. You know what I mean?
BRENT: Don’t look it up on Wikipedia, you’re just going to freak yourself out.
MATT: Dude, it’s two in the morning. I don’t care what Wikipedia said. Listen, if you’re really that scared about it, you should go see a doctor, okay?
DOCTOR MURPHY: Looks like we’ve got a little case of hypochondria on our hands! (Laughs.)
JAKE: You saw a doctor? Good, now we can finally move on.
When the “guess your weight” guy from the carnival got married
– Darling, can I ask you a question?
– Sure.
– Do you think I gained any weight over the holidays?
– I don’t know. I can’t tell.
– We’ve been over this. I know you can tell.
– You look as beautiful as ever!
– I was 119 pounds in October. How much do you think I weigh now?
– Why are you doing this to me?
– Tell me the truth.
– Okay! All right! You gained 11 pounds, give or take 3 pounds! Is that what you wanted to hear? Jesus Christ!
– I knew it. You think I’m fat. That’s why you’ve been flirting with that Debbie girl from work. Even though she’s half your age.
– I wasn’t flirting with her! And she’s not half my age. You can tell just by looking at her that she’s 27, give or take 3 years.
– (Sobbing.)
– Hey, come on! Why are we fighting? I love you. When I’m out there on the midway every night, guessing people’s weights and ages, I’m doing it for you! I’m doing it for our kids!
– I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight. (Kisses him.) Little Tommy sure is growing up, isn’t he?
– 4 foot 4, give or take 3 inches.
– And Suzy! I can’t believe how adult she’s getting.
– 14, give or take 3 years.
– Wait. You don’t know how old our daughter is?
– Jesus Christ, I’m not a computer! (Sighs.) Look, sorry, okay? Here. I got you a giant stuffed animal.
– That’s not going to work this time.
Love coupons
– Brian? What are you doing here?
– I came to redeem some coupons.
– (reading) “Good for one back rub” … “Good for one home-cooked meal” … Brian, I gave these to you while we were still dating.
– There’s no expiration date on the coupons.
– Brian, it’s been four years. I’m married now.
– One home-cooked meal, please. Then sex. Here … here’s the sex one. One of the sex ones.
– Brian, I’m sorry. It’s over between us.
– Coupons are coupons.
– Wow, Brian … you’ve really gained a lot of weight. Is everything okay?
– I’ve got three sex coupons. I’d like to use them all today, then the meal, then the shower. Tomorrow, I’ll come back with the rest of the coupons. They’re all sex.
– Jesus, what happened to your nails! I can’t believe I didn’t notice them when I first opened the door. They’re so long.
– I would like to use a sex one now please.
Stadium proposal
Last night at Cowboys Stadium, Graham Baxter proposed to his girlfriend, Jennifer, in front of forty-one thousand screaming fans.
“Look up,” he said. “There’s something I want you to see.”
There it was, in
ten-foot neon lights:
JENNIFER, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
“Of course!” she squealed. “Of course I will, darling!”
There were two other Jennifers at the game.
Section 26, Row 19
JENNIFER: Of course I will, Michael! Of course!
MICHAEL: Huh? Where are you pointing? … Oh, no! Oh, God!
JENNIFER: I have three children who you’ve never met and two of them have bad problems.
Section 45, Row 11
JENNIFER: Danny, we’ve had some rough patches … but … yes! My answer is yes!
DANNY: What do you mean? Oh – oh, no! (crying) Who did this!?
JENNIFER: God. My magical Druid God.
DANNY: …
JENNIFER: The ceremony has to be Druid.
Sultan of Brunei
The Sultan of Brunei is the richest oil magnate in the world. Servants, yachts, castles – he’s got everything! Everything except true love.
GIRLFRIEND: What’s wrong, honey?
SULTAN: Well … it’s just … sometimes I think you’re only going out with me because of my money.
GIRLFRIEND: Oh, darling! How could you say something like that?
SULTAN: What do you mean? I can say whatever I want. I’m the Sultan of Brunei.
GIRLFRIEND: You’re right, I’m sorry.
SULTAN: Get back into your fortress of rubies.
SULTAN: Honey, if I ask you a question, will you promise to tell me the truth?
CONCUBINE: Of course!
SULTAN: Would you still love me if I were poor? Keep in mind that if you say no, one of my warriors will murder you.
CONCUBINE: Yes, I would love you no matter what!
SULTAN: Okay, good. Now … do you want to see a movie or go bowling? Keep in mind that if you say bowling, one of my warriors will murder you.
CONCUBINE: Let’s see a movie.
SULTAN: I am the Sultan of Brunei!
SULTAN: I’m sorry I missed our anniversary, honey. Things were crazy at the office. I was counting gold bars and—
WIFE: You didn’t even get me a present!
SULTAN: Yes I did! I got you … this … drum of crude oil.
WIFE: That’s not going to work this time.
SULTAN: You’re so unforgiving! What happened to the woman I married?
WIFE: Which one? You have two hundred wives.
SULTAN: The one with the ribbons.
WIFE: She’s downstairs, I think.
SULTAN: Oh. What about Sheila?
WIFE: I’m Sheila.
SULTAN: Oh.
(Pause.)
SULTAN: Bear me a child of solid gold.
First poem
My love is as lovely as one of those things
You know, those things, with all the things on them
They’re next to that thing.
You know, that big thing.
We need more words besides “thing”
So that I can describe my love
And the world can understand.
Daily life
Donors needed
Dear Mrs. Greenbaum,
My name is Count Dracula and I am president of Red Cross. I write letter to ask you to give blood to Red Cross.
Here is how you donate. First, take blood out of neck. Then, put inside bag. Then mail pre-paid envelope to:
RED CROSS HEADQUARTERS
CASTLE DRACULA
DRACULA MOUNTAINS, TRANSYLVANIA 99629
You maybe see other letters for Red Cross, telling you to send blood other places. Better to send blood to headquarters.
You might ask: What happens to my blood when I send in container? I will tell you exactly: your blood will be used for regular human things. It will go inside the bodies of other, regular humans. The blood you send is for the normal humans.
Give the blood. Save life.
Sincerely,
Count Dracula, human President of Red Cross
Inn questionnaire
Dear Guest,
Thank you for staying with us. Please take a moment to fill out the following survey.
How did you hear about the Shady Manor Inn? Check all that apply.
– Saw billboard
– Read about us in guidebook
– Read about us in Journal of Paranormal Activity
– Heard voices telling you to “go to the inn,” that it was “time to go to the inn”
– Ordered to spend one night at the inn in order to receive large inheritance from eccentric relative
– Followed friends into the inn after they went inside to have premarital sex and did not return
– Directed to inn by old man at abandoned gas station, who cryptically laughed when you asked what your stay would “cost”
– Dragged here physically
– Yelp
Jewish Web MD
Welcome to Jewish Web MD, the first online symptom checker operated by and for Jewish people.
Select your symptom from the menu and we will provide an instant diagnosis.
Symptom: Headache
Diagnosis: You have an inoperable brain tumor. There’s no need to see a doctor; he’ll just confirm what you already know.
My God, how could this be happening? Yesterday, everything was fine. You had a good job, you were making decent money, and now this. You’re obviously being punished, but for what?
Symptom: Fatigue
Diagnosis: Remember that hamburger you ate at the office barbecue that tasted a little mushy in the middle? Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because now you have Mad Cow disease.
What kind of God would allow this to happen? Why are we born only to suffer? What kind of sick world is this?
Symptom: Itchy scalp
Diagnosis: So this is how it ends: Morgellon’s Disease. That’s right – the skin disorder you read about on Wikipedia. There’s no hope of survival. All you can do is google search images of “full-blown Morgellon’s,” so you know what to expect.
Symptom: Sore neck
Diagnosis: You have that thing you saw on Discovery Health, the tree bark skin thing. To think, this is probably how you’ll be remembered! This will be your legacy – this nightmarish, dread disease.
Symptom: Runny nose
Diagnosis: You have the disease you saw on House last month, the one that was really crazy, with the face-swelling thing. I know: it’s a bizarre coincidence that you would catch it so soon after having watched an episode on it. And yet, here we are. My God, all of those “concerns” you had last week, about your career and your marriage … how petty they all seem now. If only God would take away this curse, you would do everything differently. You would live for every moment, savor every breath, the cool air, the warm sun, the delicious taste of water. You would stop worrying about the little things and finally start to enjoy yourself.
Moving sale
Where: 112 Ocean Avenue, Amityville
Directions: Take a left at the cemetery and drive past the abandoned mental hospital. We are the dark house at the top of the hill.
Objects for Sale:
Life-sized Victorian doll with black eyes. The doll is stained around the mouth, but otherwise is in excellent condition, due to being preserved in a hidden basement for 100 years which we only discovered last night. Speaks entire sentences, despite lack of batteries.
Price: Free
Antique grandfather clock. This item is also well preserved from being locked for so long in that basement. Clock stops every night on the “13s” (i.e. 1:13, 2:13, etc.) but otherwise is in good working order.
Price: Free
Diary of Helga O’Malley (b. 1632, d. 1638.) A great conversation piece. Book details Helga’s discovery of witchcraft and subsequent persecution. Culminates in lengthy “vengeance oath.” Pages occasionally bleed, but book will “reset” if someone else enters the room while you are holding it.
Price: Free
Monkey’s paw. Grants wishes, but not in the way you would expect. Great conversatio
n piece.
Price: Free.
Antique music box. Self-opening. Contains dancing, porcelain figure with spinning head that bleeds from eyes and mouth. Plays on the “13s.”
Price: Free
Length of rope. Found in basement. Ties itself into a noose every hour (on “13s.”)
Price: Free
Antique mirror. We found this object in the basement. It’s in excellent condition but only produces “aged” reflections (i.e. when you look into it, you will see an image of yourself as an extremely old man/woman.) Occasionally reflects image of Helga O’Malley, standing beside you, with hands outstretched.
Price: Free
George Foreman grill. Grills the fat right off.
Price: $10
Roller coaster guidelines
You must be at least 54 inches tall to ride this coaster
You must be at most 58 inches tall to ride this coaster
You must have amazing reflexes
You must have a high tolerance for pain
You must be a forgiving person
You must be religious in a new-agey sort of way, like an “everything happens for a reason” type of vibe
You must be without legal representation
Spontaneous combustion
Spontaneous combustion sounds like a horrible way to die, but I’d probably be willing to go through with it if I could control when it was going to happen. I would do it in one of the following situations.
At a Chinese restaurant:
Me: Does this dish contain MSG?
Waiter: No.
Me: Are you sure? Because I’m allergic.
Waiter: I’m sure.
Me: Okay. (I take a bite, stare at him with a look of betrayal, then spontaneously combust.)
