by Lee, Geneva
“I thought we were on the same page.” Now Gavin didn’t look wounded, he looked devastated.
I hadn’t just hurt him, I found the one thing that might destroy us. He’d taken steps during our entire courtship to make sure he wasn’t crossing a line. At every turn he’d given me a chance to say what I wanted and he always made sure it was okay before he took the next step. Had he pursued me? Yes. Had I allowed that? Yes. I was every bit as culpable regarding what had happened between us. But that was the thing about lovers’ quarrels, it was much easier to overlook the facts in favor of wallowing in my feelings.
The door to the office opened and Imogen peeked inside. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to be going. I just wanted to say goodbye.”
She looked between us nervously. Either we weren’t being as quiet as we thought or she’d known this was coming. She’d picked up on my mood when we were in the conference room.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “We were just finishing up here. I had to tell Gavin that I was reconsidering my relationship with NorthWest Investments.”
“Cassie,” Gavin said, taking a step toward me. “Don’t.”
“I’ll finish out my internship,” I said to him before turning to her. “I’ll make certain that whoever takes over the Majestic Theater project is well prepared.”
I strode past both of them, bypassing my desk, and making a beeline for the bathroom. The first tears hit my cheeks as soon as the door swung shut behind me. I locked it, thankful that there was one place where I wouldn’t be interrupted. A few minutes later there was a gentle knock on the door.
“Cassie?” Imogen’s voice called through the door.
I swiped at my tears, but there was no way to hide my blotchy face. I cracked open the door and peered out. That was all she needed. She pushed inside and locked it behind us.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Did he send you?”
She shook her head. “I’m here on my own. No agenda. Although, he is pretty upset. It reminds me of the day our dog died.”
That wasn’t making me feel any better. I couldn’t explain it to her. Imogen and I were the same age. We might have been friends. However, this was something only Gavin and me could work through. “I’m not ready to talk about it.”
“I understand.” She handed me a slip of paper. “That’s my number. I wanted you to have it. Look, Gavin can be a pain in the ass. Believe me, I know. But he loves you.”
“I’m getting really sick of everyone saying that like it makes it okay.” The fact was Gavin hadn’t even said it to me yet. She didn’t know that. But, if it was going to be everyone’s excuse for him acting in my best interest without my consent, that was going to be a problem.
“It doesn’t excuse him,” she agreed, “but you should know it all the same.”
“I do know, but I’m not sure if I can get past this.” That was the truth. I was too close to the anger and hurt to see whatever might be on the other side for us. If there was anything at all.
“Call me if you want to get a drink,” she said with genuine concern.
I finished out the day, able to get away with making small talk with a few people. I refused to cry any time someone made a joke about my relationship with Gavin, even though my heart broke a little more each time.
I had no doubt the news of Gavin’s announcement had filtered down to the receptionist’s desk, so I practically ran out of the building as soon as five o’clock hit. At least, the apartment would be a sanctuary. Lillian would be at work. When I got home, it was blessedly quiet. Olive was batting around her new purple friend and she looked up when I came inside. I shut the door and collapsed against it as the tears began to flow. Other than my cry in the bathroom, I hadn’t given in to this pain inside me. Now it consumed me.
“Cassie? Is that you?” A concerned voice called from the couch and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Walking the few steps into the living room, I found the last person I expected to see and the best friend I needed to talk to the most.
Chapter 23
Jess was home from Mexico, tanned and freckled. She hadn’t told me, thinking it would be a fun surprise, and I’d met her in tears.
“I hope those are happy tears,” she said as I rushed to give her a hug.
“I wish,” I croaked, my throat swollen and raw.
She didn’t push me for details, she just let me cry on her shoulder for who knows how long before I finally sat back, feeling completely drained, and ready to spill my guts.
“Pizza?” she asked, but it wasn’t really a question. She ordered while I went to the bathroom and cleaned up.
Looking into the mirror, I discovered I was a hot mess with raccoon eyes and mascara streaks down my cheeks. My hair had gone flat as though the day’s events had deflated it, too. I washed off all my makeup, put my hair into a bun, and slipped into my bedroom to find something more comfortable to wear. When I reemerged in my pajama pants, Jess had changed into hers.
“Where’s your husband?” I asked her, looking around as though Roman might appear at any moment.
“He headed back to Olympic Falls. I told him I would take the ferry tonight,” she said, quickly tacking on, “or tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” I confirmed. I was going to need a few hours to work through this and I’d rather face it with her.
Of my two best friends, Jess was the reasonable one. It was the reason why it had been such a shock when I found her hooking up with our former professor. She was living proof that love didn’t always make sense. But while she might have taken a gamble on love, she knew how to keep a cool head. She planned to become a doctor, which meant she knew how to listen and then cut to the chase. It was exactly what I needed.
“Tell me what happened.” She settled onto the couch, crossing her legs underneath her, and waited.
The story came out of me in fits and spurts. Some of it she already knew, but I repeated anyway. I needed to remind myself how I had gotten here. The pizza arrived about the time I got to his parents showing up at Friday Harbor. We took a short concessions break, grabbed some plates and she dug into a slice while I dug back into the story. When I got to today and Gavin’s big announcement, she gasped.
“So, he told the entire office that you two were seeing each other?” She tossed her pizza on the plate as though she’d lost her appetite. “I can’t imagine.”
“You mean, you wouldn’t have wanted Roman to announce to the entire faculty that you two were sleeping together?” I asked dryly.
“No, I wouldn’t.” She scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “But both Roman and I were kind of stupid about our relationship. Not being honest almost got us both in trouble. Remember?”
She had a point, one I didn’t want to consider. Not while I wanted to be mad at Gavin.
“When the school found out, the disciplinary committee considered kicking me out. His department head spoke to him. It could’ve been really bad.”
I read between the lines. “So, you’re saying I should understand why he told everyone?”
She was the rational one. I knew she was right. That’s why I was confiding in her now. That didn’t change that I didn’t like her response.
“He should have talked to you about it first,” she conceded, “and he definitely shouldn’t have agreed to keep it a secret and then told everyone anyway.”
“Agreed! What is up with that?” At least we were on the same page there.
“Did you ask him why he chose today to tell everyone?”
She’d made another excellent point. I remembered for a second that she had considered being a lawyer like her sister before settling on medical school. She would’ve made a damn fine attorney. She could really cross examine any situation.
“I didn’t,” I admitted in a small voice.
“So, I guess you didn’t give him a chance to explain why he thought it was really important for everyone to know?” she pressed.
“No.” No
w she really had me.
“Look, I understand why you’re upset. I would be, too. He blindsided you. But I think one of the reasons you’re so angry is that things are just moving really fast. Somewhere deep down, I think you wanted to put the brakes on. You just have to figure out why that is.”
“I love him,” I said in a soft voice. It was the first time I’d said the words out loud.
“I know,” Jess said soothingly. She hugged me close to her. “Don’t freak on me, but I think that scares you.”
“I’m going to say something really stupid now,” I warned her.
“Judgment free zone,” she promised.
“I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love before. There I said it. I, Cassie Hart, the girl who is always in love, didn’t really known what I was talking about for the last, oh, ten years of my life. I’ve been perpetually in love with someone since puberty, building futures in my head, and planning my life with a host of Mr. Wrongs. Why am I so afraid to do that now that I’ve found Mr. Right?”
“Because now you actually have something to lose.” Jess had always been the wise one. Jillian was good for being angry and burning things down with, but Jess was the one you wanted when it was time to face facts. Now that she’d found her own happily ever after, she had more insight than ever.
“Do you think I’ve lost him?”
She shook her head with a smile. “It’s not that easy. Love is actually hard. Love is sacrifices and compromises. Love is work. It’s being angry and storming out of the room and then walking right back into it. So, no, I think that what you two have is real. Right now, things suck between you two. But, in my experience, once you’ve found the one you’d go to hell and back to stay with them.”
“I didn’t find him,” I whispered, “I reached him.”
“It will work out.” There was no doubt in her words.
How had I come this far? How had Gavin come into my life and I’d already tried to ruin things between us. “I’m not ready yet.”
She seemed to understand what I meant. I wasn’t ready to face Gavin. I needed to get a hold of myself. I needed to understand and except that this was frightening and fresh and raw—and I needed to have faith—or learn to have faith—that he would still be there no matter how crazy I got.
Because I might have reached Gavin, but I needed time to accept that I deserved him.
I called in sick to work the next day. It wasn’t the most mature move, but I justified it because Jess had returned. I hadn’t taken a single sick day all summer and I’d worked overtime, I could have one day to clear my head. Gavin called about an hour after I was supposed to be in, but I let it go to voicemail. I would talk to him. Soon. But not yet.
The fact was, that I didn’t trust myself yet. I needed to be clearheaded. While I was ready to accept that our relationship was going to take some work, I needed to find the right words to let him know where my lines were. I had no reason to suspect that he wouldn’t respect them. Yes, he had expressly gone against my wishes. With a good night sleep, I could see why he had done it. I didn’t agree with him, but I understood. That one lapse in judgment didn’t erase all of the times he’d shown an exceptional magnitude for thoughtfulness and respect.
Jess and I stayed in bed until an embarrassingly late hour, only getting up to grab food or go to the bathroom. We watched bad TV and she told me about her summer.
It was hard not to be in a good mood when you were around someone who was so in love. Even that gave me hope. Jess and Roman had faced their own obstacles and they’d found a way around them together. She was right, all of the hard stuff was what made love great.
We’d just begun to debate whether we should go out for take-out or order pizza again, when Jillian called us. The second we answered the video chat, I could see from her face something was really wrong.
“Guys,” she said, her voice cracking.
Like that, all of my problems went out the window. Our best friend was on the other side of the world and I wanted to be there hugging her immediately.
“I finally got to see that specialist,” she said.
Both Jess and I went rigid. Jillian had early onset Parkinson’s. One of the reasons she had gone to Scotland, was to try to see a renowned specialist in Edinburgh. It had been her boyfriend Liam’s idea—and we thought a clever ploy on his part to get her to consider moving there after graduation. The two of them were pretty serious, but nothing had been decided yet—that we knew of. I wondered if that was about to change.
“What did he say?” Jess asked in a clipped tone. If Jillian was going to be upset, she would be all business. Our best friend’s diagnosis had been what pushed her to go for med school. She’d been by Jillian’s side through this whole roller coaster.
“It’s bad,” she said, starting to cry. “I thought I would have a little longer. Maybe Liam and I would have a chance for a normal life. Now, it all feels off the table.”
Jess shook her head. “You should have at least 10 years until --”
“Try five,” she interrupted her. “I wanted to go to grad school. I wanted to have kids. I wanted to have Liam’s kids.”
She was getting increasingly upset. We heard a shuffling behind her and suddenly Liam appeared on screen, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her close. I heard him whisper, “We can still have all those things, chicken.”
We let her cry for a minute, all of us silent, as I held back my own tears. Suddenly, my own relationship issues felt ridiculous. Love was messy and life wasn’t guaranteed. Why was I trying so hard to control both?
“I just needed to tell you,” she said finally. “I knew it wouldn’t feel real until I did, and I need this to be real.”
“When are you coming home?” I asked her, no longer able to keep the question at bay. I’d been avoiding it for months, afraid of her answer.
“I’ll be back before the fall semester starts,” she promised. “It looks like Liam might be able to extend his student visa.”
None of us said what we were thinking. There was a really easy way for Liam to get his visa extended. I’d never made the suggestion before because, well, I suspected we might lose Jillian to Scotland if he ever asked her to marry him. But seeing them together now—having found my own other half—I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if they were separated. He was her rock. She was his light. They needed each other.
Liam promised to look after her and cheer her up until he got her back home in weeks. We promised to be waiting at the airport as soon as she arrived. Then we hung up.
“Wow,” I breathed. “Perspective.”
“Don’t mix up her relationship with yours,” Jess said.
“It just makes me feel a little silly for being so upset.”
“You have a right to your feelings. But you know one thing that Jillian and Liam have learned to do really well?”
I shook my head. “Is it something dirty?”
Jess smirked. “Besides that. They learned to talk. They stopped running away from all the things that scared them. Remember how Jillian used to pretend she wasn’t sick?”
“Yep.” Jess had a point. If those two could face that, then I needed to woman up and confront my own fears. I just had to have faith that Gavin would be there facing them beside me.
Chapter 24
The next day Gavin didn’t come to work. I gave him space. I’d accused him of a lot of things and then I’ve refused to answer his phone calls. If he was going to play hooky, then I could respect that. When he didn’t come to work on Thursday, I began to worry. By Friday, I was a disaster.
Since I hadn’t wanted to be the subject of office gossip, I tried to act like nothing was wrong. I kept up my running jokes with George and got us coffee each day. I chatted with people and endured the good-natured ribbing about my new relationship. I continued my work on the Majestic Theater project.
Now, however, after our big fight, I had to wonder if I wouldn’t be seeing this through. I had b
een the one to say I wouldn’t come back for a job here. I had promised Imogen to leave everything in good hands, though, and I would do that. There was plenty of work to keep me busy, but nothing could keep me from being distracted.
Through it all, I checked my phone religiously. I’d sent Gavin one text. A peace offering of sorts. A digital olive branch that simply read ‘ready to talk’ and nothing else. I left the punctuation off the end on purpose. I figured if he wanted to see it as a command and come running, that was fine. If he needed to see it as a question, then I would give him space to respond when he was ready to talk. The trouble was, that he was taking too long to decide. I was going crazy.
Jess had returned to Olympic Falls and her husband, which gave me a whole lot of time to overanalyze the situation. Because I didn’t want to add to Jillian’s already full emotional plate, we hadn’t been discussing it over text. Jess seemed to feel that’d she helped me as much as she possibly could, even though, she continually offered to listen. I knew this was something I had to do alone. If I continue to analyze it, I’d wind myself so tightly that I might never get myself untangled from this situation.
Instead, I went through the motions. I went to work, I ate, I showered, I slept. Well, I actually didn’t sleep. That was pretty impossible, since the bed was the place I missed having Gavin the most. We’d only spent a couple nights together and somehow my body already saw him as home. Without him next to me, I didn’t feel as safe. I didn’t feel as comfortable. I wanted his warmth. I wanted his arms. I wanted him.
I left work on Friday and headed home, wondering what to do. I was going nuts. So, I did the only thing I could think of, I called his sister.
“Hello?” she answered cautiously, and I realized I probably didn’t show up on her caller ID. Thank God, she’d answered. I wouldn’t have had the nerve to leave a voicemail.
