“I don’t think so.”
“That was an order. I wasn’t asking for your opinion.”
“That doesn’t work on me, love. I’m not your Guardian.”
“Thank God for that.”
I expected a sharp retort, but he just looked at me. “I didn’t come here to fight with you,” he said.
“And I didn’t come here hoping to see you.”
He gave me a patient look. He seemed to tell by my hostility that I wasn’t in the mood for his jokes. At least he was smart. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I know what happened.”
I turned on him, snarling. “You don’t know shit.”
He narrowed his eyes, and fire flashed within them. “Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.”
The harshness in his voice surprised me. I didn’t expect him to say anything like that. Perhaps I deserved it. My gut twisted in a rage at the thought of the demonic reapers gloating behind my back. “Come to rub it in then?”
“I’m not your enemy, Ellie.”
“Aren’t you?”
He was silent.
I ground my teeth. Part of me wanted to fight him for the sake of fighting, but it’d do nothing to get me my revenge. “Why are you really here, then, if you already know what’s made me so upset? Do you want to tell me how sorry you are, or do you have another present from Bastian?”
He flinched and his gaze faltered. “I had nothing to do with that. I didn’t even know about it. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have done something to prevent it. I’m trying to help you.”
“You have nothing to do with everything, don’t you?” I snapped callously.
“I’m not going to take any of your crap, you know.”
I looked over at him, my mouth parting in shock. He had the nerve to talk to me like that?
His eyes were bright and gleaming, honest. “Your guard dog might be okay with getting bossed around and talked down to—”
“I don’t talk down to Will.”
“Oh?” He put his arms up on the back of the bench. “You sure about that?”
I opened my mouth to retort, but I had nothing to say.
“I’m sorry,” Cadan said.
I sighed. I had no right to be upset with him, since he was right, after all. “It’s fine. It’s all my fault anyway.”
“No, it’s not. The blame belongs to those who want to destroy this world and everyone in it.”
“I’ve managed to make Will hate me,” I grumbled. “I’m sure my grandmother thinks I’m a delinquent. Lauren’s petrified of me, and Nathaniel thinks I’m going to snap and kill them all … which I probably will.”
“Nah,” he said. “You’re not crazy.”
I huffed. “You haven’t seen me at my worst.”
“I’d still admire you for exactly what you are.”
“Don’t speak too soon.”
He smiled. “We all have our imperfections.”
“Most people’s imperfections don’t involve going berserk and trying to kill the people they love.”
He was quiet for a moment. “You have a lot more to deal with than most people. Nobody is like you. No one else is what you are, or has ever been what you are. You’re changing, trying to adapt to this world.”
“That’s not an excuse for me to let my power control me. There’s no excuse for me hurting innocent people.”
“True, but we have to try and understand you,” he said thoughtfully. “You are a being of two worlds, Heaven and Earth. What you’re capable of could be limitless. It’s not a question of if you can control your energy. Your body is human and your power is archangel—the most powerful being ever created. Something conflicts. An archangel was never meant to live as a human girl.”
What he said was almost exactly what Michael had told me when I asked him why I lost myself to emotion and to my power. Maybe he and Cadan were right. “There’s something wrong with me.”
“No,” he said softly, reaching forward to slide his fingers along my jaw toward my chin. The gesture was soothing, and in the frigid cold, his hand was surprisingly warm. The cold never affected the reapers. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Through your lifetimes, your humanity has grown stronger. Your human passion is taking over your angelic heritage, and I don’t think it knows how to handle all that divine power. Once you understand and can balance the two sides of yourself, you will be unstoppable.”
I looked away from him. “If Bastian doesn’t find a way to destroy my soul first.”
“I’m sorry for what he has done to you,” Cadan said. “For everything that he’s done to you. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to kill him, but for you, I’d try.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to.”
He let out a long breath. “But I feel responsible. I should’ve done something sooner,” he said earnestly. “I wish I’d known that you aren’t some awful thing who only destroys. Maybe this would all be different.”
“I don’t think Bastian would’ve listened to you if you had tried to reason with him. He’s out to kill me for good. He’s pretty dead set on it, actually, if you’ll pardon my morbid pun. God, I’m making fun of myself dying. I am so screwed up.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”
“I do understand, Ca—”
“He’s my father.”
I stared at him, unsure of what I thought I’d just heard him say. “What?” was all I managed to articulate.
“Bastian,” Cadan said. “He’s my father.”
“Oh.”
He picked up my hand carefully and studied my skin, touching each of my fingers with a gentleness that entranced me. My fingers were feeling less numb from cold by the second. I couldn’t look away, though I knew I shouldn’t have let him touch me so much. But for some reason, he was comforting.
“I should have said something to you sooner,” he said. “I didn’t think if you knew that you’d trust me.”
I didn’t speak for some time and just sat there processing. “He would kill you for helping me?” I asked. “Even though he’s your father?”
“Of course.”
I looked up to meet his gaze. The fiery opal flecks in his eyes danced and glimmered, like sunlight hitting newly fallen snow. I didn’t understand how something so dark and wicked could create something so beautiful and kind. Cadan was by no means harmless, but he was gentle with me. I trusted him.
“I didn’t betray you,” he said. “I’d never betray you.”
“The guys in my life have too many secrets,” I said distantly.
He laughed and touched my cheek with the back of his hand. It seemed that he took any opportunity to touch me, and with the awful way I felt, I ached for any source of comfort. “Maybe you are just terribly imperceptive.”
“That could be it.” I laughed and wiped at a tear beneath my eye. “You boys are always confusing the hell out of me.”
Cadan smiled with the warmth of amusement and fondness. “I never thought you’d be like this.”
“Like what?”
“I hear stories of you,” he said, “of your violence and ruthlessness. But you’re just a girl—a very beautiful, vulnerable girl.”
Being called beautiful was one thing, but I couldn’t afford to be weak. “Thanks, but I’m not vulnerable.”
“You are,” he insisted softly. “And I think it may be part of the reason why I’m so drawn to you. I am utterly enthralled. You’re innocent, so unlike the beast you’re said to be. Ellie, you have this softness about you that I could never dream of damaging. It would be like stomping on a flower. What would be the point?”
I almost laughed. “The point? How about the fact that I kill the demonic? Why would you not want to destroy me?”
“You’ve never once tried to kill me.” His statement was matter-of-fact, as if he were telling me something as mundane as the weather.
“Why did you save me from Ivar?” I asked. “Why did you kill her when you’re supposed to be on the same side?
”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Because she would have gone back to Bastian and told him that I’d been to see you. He’s suspicious enough of me already.”
“But Ivar was in love with you,” I said. “I’m sure she would have stayed quiet if you’d asked her to.”
He shook his head. “No. She would’ve thought nothing of using me to look better in Bastian’s eyes. She never felt love for anything, least of all me.”
“Because she’s demonic?” I asked. “If that’s the reason, then I’d like to know why you’re so good to me.”
He leaned toward me and rested his elbow on the back of the bench. “I’m not wholly what you think I am.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, very aware that we were only inches apart.
His smile then was smooth and warm, like white chocolate melting in my hands. He brushed my hair back over my shoulders. The snowflakes landing in my hair were tangling it. “You’re putting yourself in a dangerous position, being out here without your Guardian.”
“I can take care of myself,” I said, noticing how he’d avoided my question.
“You have to admit, that’s a lot easier to accomplish when he’s with you,” he noted, his eyes on the bare skin exposed after he’d brushed my hair back.
“Why would you say that? You hate Will.”
“I don’t hate him,” Cadan mused, rolling the words around on his tongue as if to taste them. “He’s in love with you, too.”
I froze and stared at him as he continued to look at my neck instead of my face. I didn’t think he breathed for that entire time. His body grew more tense the longer my eyes were glued to him, and at last he swallowed hard and looked into my eyes. The look he gave me was an intense mixture of shame and a desire for approval. He knew that I understood what he’d said, but I didn’t see regret on his face.
“That’s not very smart of you,” I said slowly.
His lips curved sensually, and his fingers trailed along my jaw as he looked down at my lips. “I could do worse.” And with that, his confidence had returned.
I barely noticed the snowflakes falling around us anymore. “What could be worse than being in love with your enemy?”
“Acting on it.”
He was suddenly even closer, though it looked like he hadn’t moved a muscle. His scent and body warmth wrapped around me, and it felt so safe and good here with him on the bench. His mouth couldn’t have been six inches from mine, and my heart pounded harder and harder. His opal eyes were so bright that I almost had to look away. It was strange how these reapers’ eyes gave away their emotions so clearly.
“That’s true,” I breathed, and swallowed. I knew what he wanted to do, and I wasn’t entirely sure that I didn’t want him to do it. “But Cadan …”
His hand brushed my cheek and his fingers slid into my hair. His gaze searched every last inch of my face, maybe looking for a sign in my expression that told him to stop. He leaned so close that I tasted his breath on my lips as my own caught in my chest.
“Cadan, I can’t—” Will’s face flashed in my mind, and the memory of him made my skin burn like acid everywhere that Cadan touched me. I peeled away from Cadan, and he stared at me with broken eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, and it took several tries for the words to come out.
“That was a terrible idea,” he said almost breathlessly. “I am so screwed.”
“Cadan,” I said, having no idea what to say to him. A demonic reaper had just tried to kiss me. I didn’t know him that well, but I trusted him. Something about him reminded me of Will, but at the same time, they were nothing like each other. They were both the opposite of what they were supposed to be: Will was darkness and strength and determination, and Cadan was like sunlight. Refreshing and golden. And right now, I needed anything but more darkness in my life.
He gave me such a sad look that I reached up and touched his cheek and his ear and the silk of his hair, just to make sure the strands weren’t spun from gold. “I can’t have you, can I?” he whispered.
I frowned. “Cadan …”
“If you say my name every day until I die,” he said with a gentle laugh, “then even the worst ending for me will be a joyful one.”
I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. He lowered his head until it rested on my shoulder, and I stroked his hair. Everything about this was so strange, and yet so comforting. But even though I needed some sort of kindness, I had a feeling that he needed it more than I did. I held him, felt his breath on my shoulder beneath my coat, felt his hand lightly on my arm. This is Cadan. The thought ran through my mind a hundred times, and still I couldn’t fully comprehend it. Bastian’s son.
He sat up and looked into my eyes, his gaze deep and drilling. “I’ll do anything for you,” he said, his voice husky and earnest. “I’ll kill Bastian. I’ll even leave you alone if you want me to.”
I exhaled. “I don’t know what I want.”
He smiled. “You and me both.”
I studied his face without speaking for several moments. This time with him was exactly what I needed. “Thank you, Cadan. You saved me tonight.”
“Go back to your Guardian,” Cadan said, his smile faint and longing.
I didn’t want to, but he was right. If I died without ending any of this awful mess, then my parents would have died for nothing. Will’s pain would have been for nothing. And I couldn’t let him or Nana down.
I got up and stood in front of Cadan, looking down into his face. I ran my hand through his hair, and he closed his eyes just for that moment. “Good-bye, Cadan.”
His eyes opened again, that crystalline opal fire bright in the dark. “Good-bye, Ellie.”
I walked slowly back to where I’d parked. Now that I was alone again, I wanted to be anything but. What had happened with Cadan churned my thoughts and my heart. He was the perfect comfort at the perfect moment, and I cared for him, but he wasn’t Will. And Will was the only one I loved, despite everything.
As soon as his name echoed through my head, his voice echoed in my ears.
“Ellie!”
I turned my head and saw him darting across the snow-covered street toward me. He scooped me tightly into his arms and sent my body into flutters of joy and longing. I felt every contour of his familiar, warm body through his wool pullover. I ran my hands up his back and traced every ridge and plane, memorizing every part of him. There were holes in his sweater where his wings had grown through. I slipped my fingers through, touched his skin, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“God, I thought you were gone,” he said hoarsely. “I thought they’d taken you. I couldn’t feel you anywhere. I flew over the city and then I felt you, but it was so small. I thought you were dying. And then I found your car abandoned. Ellie, I thought I’d lost you.”
“I’m fine,” I said, my voice small. “Really. No wounds, I promise.”
He froze suddenly and gave me a strange look. Then the look turned visibly pained. In that moment, I knew he smelled Cadan on me. “Why couldn’t I find you?” he asked. “Were you hiding from me?”
The heartbrokenness in his voice made me feel like the worst person alive. “I’m sorry, Will. I just needed to be alone.”
He didn’t ask about Cadan. He knew, but he stayed silent. He wasn’t going to judge me. He never did. He was perfect, and I loved him so much it hurt.
I started to cry again. “I’m so sorry!” I sobbed, barely comprehensible.
He pulled me closer and made a soft noise into my hair. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be all right. Please don’t cry.”
“Why do you wait for me like this?” I begged, my teeth chattering. “All I do is run away from everything, from you. Why are you so patient and just take all of this pain, no questions asked?”
“Ellie …” He looked down and picked up my hands, examining them. He frowned and rubbed them with his. “You’re frozen. Your hands are like ice.” He lifted my hands and pressed them to his lips, closing his eyes
and exhaling warm air gently against my fingertips. Everything in me melted.
“I’m screwed up,” I said exasperatedly. “And I’m cold.”
Without another word, he scooped me up and cradled me in his arms. We walked toward where my car was parked. I clung tightly to his shirt, shivering, and when we arrived, he set me gently on the cold hood of my car. My fingers shook as I dug through my purse for my keys. When I found them, Will took them and unlocked my car.
“I’ll drive,” he said softly.
I didn’t protest, and he scooped me back into his arms and carried me around to the passenger seat. I watched him, almost amused, as he buckled me in as if I were helpless, but I didn’t mind. Taking care of me was more than just his duty. He loved me as much as I loved him and we’d been through too much together not to have respect for each other. I’d disrespected him tonight by taking off, disrespected his loyalty and selflessness toward me, and still, even though he should have been furious with me, he wasn’t. He’d carried me when I was tired, cradled me to his chest when I was cold, and now he was buckling my seat belt even though I was perfectly capable of doing so myself. He wasn’t reminding me of how much I needed him. That wasn’t in his nature. Never, ever, in a million years would I find anyone who matched him in any way.
Will took me back to Nathaniel’s house instead of Nana’s. He opened the passenger door and began to carry me out, but I stopped him.
“I can walk,” I said, my teeth chattering as I climbed out of the car and into the bitter cold.
He didn’t contradict me, and he reached forward to take my hand and lead me toward the front door. His fingers threaded through mine as if nothing I’d said or done to him in the last several days had ever happened. Lauren appeared in the doorway, her hand over her mouth. She stepped aside so Will could lead me through, and once the heat of the cozy house melted my aching body, she scooped me into a tight hug.
“We were so worried about you,” she said into my hair. “I’m so happy Will found you.”
She pulled away and I watched Nathaniel step out of the kitchen, drying his hands with a towel. His expression was sympathetic and his small smile was genuine. “Hey, Ell. You hungry?”
Wings of the Wicked Page 23
