by Kiki Archer
Zara kept her eyes fixed on the action. “Look, here comes the other woman.”
Andi laughed in frustration, “Yes! With a giant, king kong, strap on, on!” She narrowed her eyes and winced. “Eugh, that looks painful!”
“She seems to be enjoying it,” moaned Zara with wide eyes.
“Lesbians don’t even do that.”
Zara bit back. “And how would you know? You’re hardly an experienced lady lover.”
Andi swallowed the insult and tried a different tack. “Because, my darling, lesbians...” She straddled her wife and pinned her arms to the side, “...do this.” She kissed her gently and hoped for a response.
Zara tilted her head out of the embrace. “At least take your top off so I can see your tits.”
Andi pulled up her vest top and dropped it to the floor. She leaned backwards and displayed her breasts. “Better?”
“Getting there,” smirked Zara. “Now spread my legs and kiss me roughly.”
Andi watched as Zara’s eyes lifted over her shoulder and back onto the screen. “You are so demanding, aren’t you?”
“Yes I am, but you love me, sweetie.”
Andi shuffled down the bed and parted her wife’s legs. “For some strange reason, I do.”
“Show me then,” said Zara, wrapping her legs around Andi’s back and pulling her head in close.
Andi glanced up and got one final look at Zara’s eyes, fixed in arousal on the television, before feeling her face pressed into position by her wife’s impatient fingers.
Chapter Seven
Andi was sitting at her desk in the Proud Unity offices, going over her carefully selected interview questions and trying to imagine how she might answer them if they were ever put to her. She smiled. Today wasn’t about knowledge, or intelligence or aptitude for work. Elizabeth Burns and Pippa Rose had beaten over two hundred other applicants to this morning’s final round, having already demonstrated all three. Today was about creativity. It was about their ability to think on their feet and react to the unexpected. Their ability to remain calm and considered. Their ability to approach everything with a smile. Andi smiled to herself. She had to like them.
Tapping her papers into a neat pile on the desk in front of her, Andi glanced at her office clock. Almost nine. She was actually feeling quite nervous herself. Stella would be such a hard person to replace, but it had to be done. Stella had made it perfectly clear that she would not be returning to work until all of her children were in formal education. This baby was the first of a planned three, so Andi had advertised the job as full time and permanent. She glanced at the clock once more. Two minutes to go. Janet would bring them in and make the proper introductions, whereupon she would explain the format of the day. She pulled the small pocket mirror from her desk drawer and checked her reflection, quickly wiping a fallen eyelash from her cheek. She nodded at herself, fully aware that the candidates had to like her too.
The knock was loud and the door was opened with gusto. Janet strode into the office and threw her arms out in presentation. “So here we have it. Andi Armstrong’s office and the wonderful woman herself. May I introduce you to the Chief Executive here at Proud Unity, Mrs Andi Armstrong.”
Andi stood from her seat and made her way around to the other side of the desk, slightly embarrassed by the fanfare. “Not quite necessary, Janet, but thank you, all the same.” She looked at both candidates, suddenly taken aback by Pippa Rose’s natural beauty. She glanced away, feeling short of breath. “I’m really nothing special.”
Janet clapped her hands. “Ladies, if you get the job, that’s your first task.”
Andi frowned.
“Improve your boss’s perceived level of self-importance. She’s a real mover and shaker is our Andi.”
Andi noticed Elizabeth Burns nodding in sombre agreement, so she smiled in response. She then looked at Pippa Rose who seemed to be distracted by the purring coffee machine.
Janet continued. “Proud Unity is now the largest LGBT campaigning organisation in the UK, thanks primarily to the work that Andi has done lobbying-”
“Janet! That’s quite enough, thank you! I’m sure Elizabeth and Pippa are fully aware of what we’ve all accomplished here at Proud Unity over the past few years.”
Elizabeth nodded again.
“She’s self-deprecating as well,” smiled Janet, “not to mention kind, and caring. She’s basically the best boss you’ll ever work for.”
Andi finally caught Pippa’s attention and smiled. “Please, let’s take a seat and have a coffee. I’ll explain the format of the day, and as you can probably gather from Janet’s informal manner this morning, today is no longer about the formalities.” Andi signalled towards the cluster of soft chairs next to the large office window. “I’ve been told that you both excelled in the first two rounds of interviews and proved that you’re more than capable of doing the job itself.” She smiled at Elizabeth who had taken a seat and was now nodding with her hands clasped together in her lap. “One of you might even be over qualified for the post.” Andi quickly looked back at Pippa. “But both of you showed a real aptitude for problem solving, organising, communicating-”
Janet chimed in from the coffee station. “Brilliant computer skills, both of them.”
“Thank you, Janet. So I’m confident that you can both do this job with your eyes closed. But what I want, is for you to enjoy this job, and the only way that’s going to happen is if we work well together.”
Janet joined them with a tray of freshly poured coffees and placed them on the table next to the milk, sugar, and plate of cream filled biscuits. “There she goes again! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t get along with Andi!”
“Yes, thank you, Janet.” Andi signalled for the women to help themselves. “What I mean, is that today is probably more of a mutual assessment. Can we see each other working in a very close proximity, for a very high proportion of each working day? I want to understand your personality. What makes you tick? What motivates you? How you handle difficult situations? How you handle difficult questions? How we would potentially rub along together?” Andi noticed an immediate glint in Pippa’s eye and an immediate shift in Elizabeth’s body weight, suddenly realising how that might have sounded to two women of opposing sexual orientations. She felt her cheeks redden and tried to avoid Janet’s raised eyebrows and cheeky grin.
****
Andi had eaten her lunch at her desk, pleased for the half hour’s reprieve. Janet had taken the two candidates down to the canteen for a small buffet, giving her time to mull over the events of the morning and adjust her afternoon questions accordingly. Both women had performed well in the group sessions, showing co-operation, flexibility, support, and leadership. There was hardly anything between them. Her only niggling concern was Elizabeth’s slight stuffiness and Pippa’s slight over familiarity; neither of which would actually impair their ability as her PA. She took one final look at her question sheet and glanced at the clock. One thirty.
The knock was immediate.
Andi watched for any movement of the door handle. It stayed still. “Come in,” she shouted.
Elizabeth Burns walked into the office with her brown leather handbag still fixed to her side, clutching onto the strap like a form of life support. “Hello again,” she said.
Andi stood from her desk and indicated to the hard backed chair positioned opposite her, in front of the imposing desk. “How was lunch?”
Elizabeth took a seat and slid the handle of her handbag down her shoulder, pulling it tightly into her feet. “Wonderful, wonderful. Yes, very nice.”
“Great, well let’s get started because you still have the final written assessment to do this afternoon and I don’t want to keep you too late.”
“No problem. I’m looking forward to it.”
“The written assessment?”
Elizabeth nodded. “I’m a SPAG fanatic and I pride myself on producing high quality pieces of work.”
&n
bsp; Andi couldn’t help but notice the wiry orange hair that had started to ping free from the tight bun, giving Elizabeth the look of an electric shock patient. She smiled to herself, aware of the nerves and hoping the next half hour would actually put Elizabeth Burns more at ease.
“So,” said Andi. “If someone wrote a book about you, what do you think the title should be?”
“About me?”
Andi nodded. “Yes.”
“Why would someone write a book about me?”
“Hypothetically. What would the title be?”
Elizabeth frowned as if not quite comprehending the question. “I’ve always liked Wuthering Heights.”
Andi decided to go with it. “Okay, why?”
Elizabeth shrugged, as if slightly embarrassed. “I guess it’s the love story. The passion between Heathcliff and Catherine.”
A vision of Stella at the karaoke warbling the words to Kate Bush’s classic came to mind and she smiled, tempted to sing the brilliant lyrics. ‘Heathcliff, it’s me, I’m Cathy, I’ve come home again.’
“But I detest that dreadful Kate Bush song.”
Andi coughed, glad she had only hummed it in her head. “Oh right, okay. Well I have a related question here.” She paused and met Elizabeth’s eyes. “What makes you angry?”
Elizabeth started to tap the palm of her hand with a long, thin finger. “Lying. Deceit. Pretence. Adultery. Cheating.” She paused as if conscious of her sudden outburst. “I just get angry when people don’t behave as they should.”
Andi smiled, trying to relax her. “That’s fine. I asked the question and that was a great answer.”
Elizabeth nodded and returned her hands to her lap.
“Okay, if you could trade places with any other person for a week, famous or not, living or dead, who would it be and why?”
“It has to be Jesus, doesn’t it?”
“Does it?”
Elizabeth nodded. “Of course. You’ll find most people say Jesus.”
“Do they?”
“Yes, who wouldn’t want all of the answers in an instant?”
Andi paused. This session was meant to be a light hearted insight into the candidate’s true personality, but she didn’t fancy being drawn into a deep and meaningful debate with Elizabeth Burns. “Anyone else?”
“My dog, Mimi. She’s a beautiful long haired Shih Tzu. She knows exactly what’s going on and she can read me perfectly. I’d like to swap places with her so I could silence the critics.”
Andi knew she should have extended the question and asked which critics Elizabeth was referring to, but she tapped her pen on the question sheet and decided to stick to the more upbeat of question, instead. “Right, okay, what is your favourite quote?”
“Good things happen to good people.”
“I like that one,” smiled Andi.
Elizabeth nodded and waited for the next cue.
“Who do you admire the most?”
“My father.”
Andi left a gap for an expansion on her response but when there wasn’t any, she continued. “When is it okay to lie?”
Elizabeth shook her head. “Never.”
Andi noticed another wiry orange hair ping out of place. “Never?”
“Never.” Elizabeth tightened her feet at the ankles.
“Okay. Next question. Does life fascinate you?”
Elizabeth straightened in her seat. “Immensely and I challenge anyone who says otherwise.”
Andi was impressed with the confidence. “Such as?”
“Well, these youngsters who have no regard for the world, or the wondrous opportunities they’ve been given.”
“Are all children fortunate?”
“Of course.”
“What about those whose parents disown them because of their sexuality.”
Elizabeth coughed and glanced at the huge Proud Unity poster behind Andi’s desk. “They’re fortunate to have you.”
“Nice recovery,” smiled Andi.
“What I meant to say is that good can be found in every situation. You just have to look hard enough.”
Andi felt responsible for Elizabeth’s flushed cheeks. “It’s okay. There are no right or wrong answers. It’s the way you handle the questions that I’m interested in.” She smiled. “And on that note I was wondering if you’d be able to entertain me for the next five minutes. I’m not going to talk.” She lifted her hands in presentation. “Just entertain me.”
Elizabeth nodded. “Ah, ha. I see. You’re putting me on the spot and seeing if I panic.”
Andi shrugged and raised her eyebrows.
Elizabeth stood up. “Well I won’t. I’m actually thrilled to have a chance to talk to you about my vision as your PA.” She started to pace. “I believe you could take Proud Unity in a whole new direction, with me at your side.”
Andi almost broke her self-enforced silence.
“Instead of focusing solely on LGBT issues, you could look to gain the moral vote. You could clean up this country and tackle other problems such as drug abuse or prostitution. Both of which actually affect a disproportionately high percentage of LGBT people. Government figures may appear to show that drug abuse is on the decline, but it’s not. Figures are being manipulated, especially figures amongst the youth of this country.”
Andi wasn’t sure if it was the off kilter subject matter or uninspiring tone of voice, but she stopped listening and found herself instead thinking of Pippa and wondering how she’d respond to the same task.
Elizabeth sat herself back down. “I think that’s been five minutes.”
Andi checked the clock. It had been more like ten. “Yes, great.” She paused. “Thank you very much for answering my questions, I have just one last request before you leave me for your written assessment.”
“Yes?”
“Could you turn your chair around so that it’s facing the door?”
Elizabeth frowned in confusion, but did as instructed.
“Right, now if you could sit down please, and without looking over your shoulder, could you describe to me what I’m wearing?”
Elizabeth sat down and straightened her back in her seat. She thought for a moment and then spoke. “I’m very sorry, but I don’t have the foggiest idea.”
****
Andi took a quick sip of water and waited for the knock. Pippa would be sent in straight away and she wished she had requested a minute or so to recover between candidates. That’s what it felt like, she decided; a need to recover from Elizabeth’s formal, yet intense, persona. She’d probably be a brilliant PA, structured, efficient, loyal; but possibly not a brilliant friend. Andi paused in thought. She’d been spoiled with Stella. It was ridiculous to think she could ever replicate their bond.
The knock was loud and the door opened before Andi had chance to shout come in.
“Hello again. Shall I sit down?” Pippa was smiling widely, deepening the crevice caused by the dimple in her right cheek.
The beam was infectious and Andi found herself smiling in response. “Yes, please, take a seat. Are you ready?”
Pippa nodded. “Born ready.”
Andi swept her short blonde fringe across her forehead and glanced at the question sheet. “Good. Okay I’m slightly conscious of the time because you’ve got your final written assessment after this, so let’s start.” She smiled. “Right, if someone wrote a book about you, what would the title be and why?”
Pippa leaned forwards in her chair. “How to tame wild hair.”
Andi laughed.
“It’s taken me years to figure out the best combination of shampoos, conditioners and smoothing creams.”
Andi studied the mass of bouncy brown hair with clearly defined ringlets and limited sign of frizz. “Sounds like a bestseller.”
“There’s a definite market for it.”
Andi held Pippa’s eyes; aware of the insinuation. It took a great deal of effort not to acknowledge the glint. “I’m sure there is,” she said, thinking of E
lizabeth and her electric shock treatment. She coughed lightly and returned her eyes to the questions. “Okay, what makes you angry?”
“Frizzy hair.”
Andi couldn’t help but laugh. “Anything else?”
Pippa paused and thought carefully. “The only people who really make me angry are bigots.”
“Okay.”
“Just the idea that there are people out there who think they’re better than others. People who think they have more right, or more entitlement, or more of a moral high ground than others. I guess it’s just people who judge. They make me cross.”
“Good answer. I like that.”
Pippa smiled. “Better than my frizzy haired one?”
“Miles,” laughed Andi, dropping her eyes back down to her questions and trying to hide her enjoyment of the chat. She took a moment and composed herself. She was finding it quite difficult to ask such informal questions so formally, but she nodded and continued. “Okay, if you could trade places with one other person for a week, famous or not, living or dead, who would it be and why?”
“Your wife.” Pippa gasped at herself. “Sorry, that was too much! I’m just having too much fun. I love questions like this. Argh! What a faux pas.”
Andi felt her cheeks redden.
Pippa was running her fingers through her curly hair. “Please, let me retract that. Sometimes I speak before I think!” She bent her head into her hands. “Cringe! I can’t believe I said that. Right, let me focus.” She lifted her face back up and tried to look serious. “I would change places with-”
“You’re going to say Jesus, right?”
“I wasn’t, no. Should I?”
Andi shook her head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have prompted you.” She thought for a second, feeling her pulse quicken at her own flirtation. “Let’s go back to your original answer. Why would you want to swap places with my wife?”
Pippa stared at Andi. “So I know what it feels like to be an actual success. She’s the boss of a FTSE 100 company. What more could anyone with ambition hope for?”
