by Kiki Archer
“I told her it was a bad idea,” said Melody, suddenly appearing behind Zara’s shoulder.
Zara recognised the voice and spun around. “How long have you been here?”
“Long enough to hear your heartfelt speech,” said Melody.
Andi leaned forwards and kissed Zara’s work colleague on the cheek. “Thank you for coming.”
Melody looked at Andi with sincerity. “I told your wife to book the opera singer.”
“No you didn’t,” spat Zara, suddenly noticing the brown file tucked under Melody’s arm. “Don’t tell me you’ve brought work to a party?”
Melody tapped the file and winked. “Oh no, this is all play!” She looked over her shoulder at the gorgeous redhead making her way towards them with the drinks. “First I want to introduce you to my friend.” She pointed her finger. “Zara, Andi, the sexy redhead approaching is called Jayney.” She glanced at her boss. “Zara, you remember her temping at G-Sterling, don’t you?”
Zara flared up with rage. “She got fired! What are you doing bringing her as your plus one?”
“Shhh,” hushed Andi. “She’s almost here.” She smiled and signalled the pretty lady over. “Hi, I’m Andi, thanks for coming.”
Jayney held the two drinks out to the side of her body and leaned forwards for a kiss. “It’s lovely to meet you. I’m Jayney. I hope it’s okay that I’m here? I’m actually really nervous. I’ve never been to anything like this before.”
Melody tucked the brown folder back under her arm and took one of the drinks. She wrapped her other arm around Jayney’s waist. “Don’t be nervous, honey.” She tilted her head to the side. “You didn’t get fired from G-Sterling, did you?”
Jayney reddened. “No, I left of my own accord.”
Andi sensed the tension. “It’s fine that you’re here, Jayney. Melody can bring whoever she wants.” She turned to look at the busty blonde with her signature face-full of makeup. “I did have you down as a man eater though, Melody.”
“She’s just greedy,” sneered Zara, not even trying to hide her disgust. “Are you two together?”
Andi coughed. “It’s lovely to meet you, Jayney.” She craned her neck. “Please do excuse me. I can see my work colleagues waving at me.”
Zara reached for Andi’s arm. “Ten minutes max. Then we need to start circling, sweetie.”
Andi shook off the hold. “Fine. I’ll be over there.”
****
Pippa saw Andi approaching the bar and raced to meet her. “That’s Jayney! You’ve just been speaking to Jayney! I thought I saw her come in. I can’t believe it? What the hell is she doing here?”
“That’s your Jayney? Your ex?”
Pippa nodded furiously, peering over the crowd and staring at the back of Jayney’s long red hair. “She must have known I’d be here. What a nerve! Who’s that blonde lady she’s with? The one with the make-up and big tits?”
“That’s Melody, she works with Zara.”
Pippa shook her head and exhaled. “Oh my god! At G-Sterling? I guess that’s who she left me for then!”
Andi glanced back around. “No, you must be wrong. Melody’s a man eater.”
Stella joined the two of them and caught the end of Andi’s comment. “That Melody would devour anything standing in her way. She’s a she-beast.”
Andi laughed. “They’re all a bit weird, the G-Sterling crowd, but I guess they’d say the same about us.” She glanced around. “Where are Janet and Elizabeth?”
Stella laughed and pointed to the bar. “Janet’s getting the drinks and Elizabeth disappeared ages ago - said she was going to the loo.”
“Is she okay?” asked Andi with concern.
“I think she’s just a bit overwhelmed.”
Andi laughed. “Oh bless her. Splashed in the pool yesterday, lesbian-fest today; she’ll be handing in her notice soon.”
“How can you be so upbeat after what just happened to you on stage?” Stella stroked her friend’s blonde fringe back into position. “Your wife’s got a warped sense of humour.”
Andi shrugged. “She’s great though, isn’t she?”
“Who?”
“Patty the Pudge.”
Stella laughed. “Yes, if you’re sitting in your own home, watching her on your own television, then yes, she’s hilarious! But Andi, to have her jumping all over you like that! Eugh, I feel sorry for you.”
Andi took another glass of Champagne from a passing waiter. “I’m just going to drink to numb the pain.” She lifted the glass in a toast. “Here’s to getting through it.”
Pippa finally took her eyes away from the group by the stage and raised her glass with gusto. “Here, here!” she said, chinking her tall flute against Andi’s. “Now where’s this friend of yours?”
Andi laughed. “I didn’t know you had such high standards. Jayney’s absolutely gorgeous.”
“Yes, I do have some pulling power, Andi.” Pippa grinned. “What do my standards matter anyway? Is this friend of yours pugly?”
“Pugly?”
“Yes, nice personality, but ugly.” She shrugged. “I don’t mind pugly.”
Andi laughed. “No, Ruth is very, very pretty indeed. I think you’re going to hit it off.”
Pippa stared at Andi, holding her gaze. “Good, because I’m going to need a distraction.”
Andi broke the connection and looked towards the stage at Jayney, who now seemed to be in a rather heated discussion with Zara. “I see what you mean.”
“No, I didn’t mean from her, I meant from-”
“And here she is now!” giggled Andi, spotting her old friend approaching. She stepped forwards and hugged her tightly. Andi pulled away and presented her friend to the group. “Stella, you know Ruth.” Stella nodded and leaned in for a kiss. “Ruth, this is Pippa, my new PA.”
Ruth turned to Pippa and smiled. “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Pippa never knew how to respond to such a statement. She opted for: “Don’t believe any of it!”
“No, it’s all good,” smiled Ruth, with warmth. “You were described as wonderfully intelligent, beautifully pretty, and completely fun-loving.”
Pippa laughed. “Did you read my CV?”
“It’s all true,” said Andi, looking at Pippa. “You’re a real catch.”
Ruth spotted the connection and took a step back. “Can I get anyone a drink?”
Stella grinned. “No, we’re all good thanks. The waiters are passing by every two minutes or so with fresh glasses of Champers, and I can see some more canapés coming round.” She smiled. “You know what it’s like at Andi’s ‘dos’ … you feel like you’re at the Oscars!” Stella turned to the stage as the band started playing once again. “And these guys are brilliant!”
Andi unintentionally turned her back on Pippa and Ruth as she looked at the stage, explaining to Stella how they’d come to choose the band.
Ruth immediately used the opportunity to strike up a conversation. “So what’s it like working for Andi then?”
Pippa exhaled with a smile. “It’s the dream job. She’s the perfect boss and I really love the work. You never quite know how each day is going to pan out. It so exciting and Andi is so inspirational, no matter what’s thrown at her, she’s always smiling.”
“And so are you. You light up when you talk about her.”
Pippa reddened. “Do I? I guess I’m just lucky to have such a great job and such a great boss.” She looked properly at Ruth for the first time, noticing how silky her bobbed brown hair was. “What is it that you do again? Andi did explain it, but it all sounded very technical.”
“No, not really. I’m just a psychologist who specialises in emotion and body language.”
Pippa opened her mouth in shock. “Oh no! I’m not going to ask what you’ve spotted in me then!”
Ruth took a sip of Champagne. “Good because I wouldn’t tell you.”
Pippa laughed. “Oh, I see what you’re doing! Reverse psycholog
y. Now I want to know.”
Andi heard the laughter and turned back around, steadying herself on Stella’s arm. “Ooo, I feel a bit giddy,” she giggled, winking at Pippa and Ruth. “You girls seem to be hitting it off.” She linked Stella’s arm and pretended to whisper. “Did you say you had to go to the bar, Stella? Yes, you did, didn’t you? Let’s leave them to it!”
“No, no, it’s fine.” Pippa was too late. Andi and Stella were already tottering towards another gang of Proud Unity colleagues. Pippa rocked backwards on her high heels and turned to face Ruth. “Sooo…”
“So, indeed,” smiled Ruth. “You don’t need a psychology degree to know that this feels kind of set up and somewhat awkward.”
Pippa laughed. “I’m sorry. My mind’s all over the place this evening.”
“I can tell.” Ruth took another sip of Champagne. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Oh god, no!” laughed Pippa. “I’m not that bad a date!”
“So you think this is a date then?”
Pippa laughed again. “Stop it! No, you’ll give psychologists a bad name.” She studied Ruth’s friendly face, spotting the small crevice in her chin and warming to her kind eyes. “Come on, tell me what you do for fun.”
“Actually I do have a fun hobby. I write random jokey questions, for an online laughter page.”
Pippa raised her eyebrows. “Really? Like what?”
“Like…” Ruth thought about it for a moment. “…Like, what’s another name for thesaurus?”
Pippa smiled. “I like it. Give me another.”
“Okay … How important does a person have to be before they’re considered assassinated instead of just murdered?”
Pippa nodded. “I’m getting the gist of it.”
Ruth carried on. “Or … if there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?”
Pippa nodded. “So, they’re more like random ponderings, than rip-roaring jokes.”
“Oh I don’t know about that. They make me laugh.”
Pippa tried to backtrack. “Yes, yes, you’re right, they’re witty,” she paused, “but they’re not exactly funny, funny, are they? Like…” She thought about it for a moment. “…What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?”
Ruth shrugged.
“A licker cabinet.” Pippa couldn’t help but laugh at herself. “Or, what do you call a man with no shins?” She didn’t wait for a reply. “Tony!”
“Each to their own I guess.” Ruth pulled her brown bob behind her ears and looked around the room. “Shall we go and find Andi?”
Pippa stifled her laughter. “No, no, I’m sorry. Come on, give me your funniest random question.”
Ruth bit her bottom lip. “Okay then … What do people in China call their good plates?”
“I don’t know. What do people in China call their good plates?”
“No, that’s just it. It’s a question.”
Pippa frowned. “Oh, I thought it was a joke?”
“It is.”
“Oh, okay, sorry.” The silence felt uncomfortable.
Ruth shrugged her shoulders. “It’s the same as this: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?”
Pippa tried to laugh, but it ended up sounding awkward and false. “Yes, that’s a good one.”
“No it’s not. You think it’s crap. I can tell.”
“No, it made me laugh.”
“Really?”
Pippa couldn’t lie. “Umm, no.”
Ruth took a deep breath. “Shall we go and find Andi?”
“I think that’s best,” nodded Pippa.
****
Zara stared over to the area near the bar where Andi had been standing, relieved to see that she had moved further away. The band on the stage were playing a noisy number and Zara knew no one was close enough to hear her conversation. She turned her back to the guests who were partying on the dance floor, and snarled at Melody with full force. “You’ve had your fun bringing her here,” she curled her lip at Jayney, “now piss off, the pair of you.”
Melody continued to leisurely sip her Champagne. “I haven’t given Andi her birthday present yet.” She tapped the brown file with a finger.
“Who gives a shit? Just leave. Now!”
“Here, take a look, let me know if you think she’ll like it.” Melody handed over the file.
Zara grabbed it and flung it open. She scanned the first page of dates, times and details, immediately looking up at Jayney. “Do you have one too, or are the details of our underwhelming shags in here too?”
Jayney shrugged. “I don’t know what that is. Look, I think I should be going. I shouldn’t have come.”
“Yes, you should,” said Melody. “She needs to get a taste of her own medicine.” She nodded her head towards Zara. “She needs to know what it feels like to be shown up.”
Zara stared at them both with icy cold eyes. “Do I look like I’m shown up?” She flung the file onto the table by the stage. “Do what you want with your stupid school girl file.”
Melody was thrown. “I’ll show it to Andi.”
“Be my guest.”
Melody frowned. “You really don’t give a shit do you?”
Zara narrowed her eyes and snarled. “Do you think I’d fuck you, with my wife in the house, if I did?”
Jayney took hold of Melody’s arm. “I think we should be going.”
“No, she has to be stopped.”
“And what are you? The marriage police?” snapped Zara.
Melody shook her head. “Your poor, poor wife.”
“ANDI!” The shout was loud, causing Zara, Melody and Jayney to immediately spin around. They peered over the crowd, eyeing the kerfuffle near the bar.
Stella was hauling Andi back up from the floor. “SHE’S FINE, SHE’S FINE,” came the giggling shout.
“Pissed already. Perfect,” sneered Zara dropping back onto her heels. “Now you pair just do one.” She paused and raised her eyebrows. “Unless you think all three of us should just kiss and make up, that is?”
“I’m through with that,” spat Melody.
“Me too,” shrugged Jayney. “Can we go now?”
Zara puffed up. “Just remember who I am and what I can do.” She looked at Jayney. “I meant it when I said I’d blacklist you from every reputable company in the City. I really thought you were smarter than this?” She glared at Melody. “And you … you’d better take your fucking file and thank fuck I don’t fucking fire you.” She turned to leave. “Now both of you, just fuck off.”
Melody watched open mouthed as Zara marched across the dance floor towards her giggling wife. She shook her head. “Zara’s right. What am I thinking? I’ve got a good job. I’ve got great perks. I just have to let this go. It’s just that I hate admitting she’s got a hold on me.”
Jayney shrugged. “I did try and tell you. That’s exactly what I had to do. Let it go and leave it alone. Just be thankful that you still have a job.”
Melody sighed. “I guess so.” She paused, cursing her own stupidity. “Crikey, what have I been thinking? I love my job at G-Sterling. I’m lucky she hasn’t tried to work me out of the firm already.” She turned back around to the table, ready to take the brown file and dispose of it once and for all. Instead, Melody froze, in instant panic. “Where the fuck is that file?”
Jayney turned around. The table was empty.
Chapter Twenty
Zara weaved her way across the star studded dance floor, stopping every so often to exaggerate a smile and a promise to come back and chat once she had tracked down her elusive wife. The response was always the same, false laughter and lots of air kisses. In fact most of Zara’s guest-interactions followed the same format, lots of gushing and mutual back scratching, with one proud of the invite and the other proud of the guest count; but neither actually that interested in the other.
Zara made her exaggerated, over the top excuses, from Rita and Mike, the co-hosts of the ever so popular Six Sh
ow, and walked towards the bar, finally squeezing into the group of Proud Unity folk. She wiggled into the centre of the circle and placed her hands on her hips in mock annoyance. “There you are!” She stretched out her hand to her wife. “Come on, sweetie, our guests need us.”
Andi swung both arms out in presentation. “These are our guests, sweetie.”
“Someone’s been on the Champers,” laughed Zara, trying to make eye contact with Andi’s work colleagues, most of whom she could barely recognise.
There were a few polite titters.
Andi giggled loudly. “I tripped on the hem of this ever so gorgeous dress, didn’t I Stel?!” Andi lifted a high heel and shook her foot, causing the sparkling silver sequins to dance in the light. “Ooo look, I’m shining!”
Zara took a step closer and bent her mouth to Andi’s ear. “We can’t leave John Elton waiting, sweetie.”
Andi stepped backwards, wobbling as she lifted herself onto her tiptoes. “He’s fine. I can see him.” She giggled to Stella, “It looks like he’s singing to old Jerry from the front desk. You never did like his music, did you, Stel?”
Stella linked Andi’s arm to stop her from swaying. “He’s a bit too eighties for me. I bet you like him don’t you, Zara?”
Zara shot Stella an icy look. “I do … and he’s here … and my wife and I need to mingle.” She took hold of Andi’s arm. “Excuse us.”
“Ooo, it looks like we’re off,” giggled Andi, tripping once more, on the sequined hem. She steadied herself on Zara’s waist and hauled up the front of the dress, fully exposing her silver high heels and most of her lower leg. “This’ll do it,” she laughed, striding forwards like a woman on a mission. “Who are we schmoozing first, then?”
Zara rolled her eyes apologetically at the group of Proud Unity folk, most of whom were just pleased to see Andi letting her hair down for once. “Sorry,” she mouthed.
“Who are you apologising for?” asked Andi, catching the gesture.
Zara ushered them away from the group, to a relatively quiet spot at the back of the room, and pulled her wife in closely. “You! I’m apologising for you!” She forced a false smile as the Sapphic Sisters stood up from a corner table and passed by. She waited until they were out of ear shot, then hissed through her teeth. “The evening’s barely begun and you’re pissed as a fart.”
