My thoughts turned to Cindy. She understood emotions and how to cope with them. But I had rebuffed her efforts to visit me and now there was no hope of me communicating with her. The Detention Centre didn't allow the inmates to have cell phones and had regular searches to see that this rule was complied with. But, even if I did get access to a phone I couldn't remember Cindy's cell phone number. Once more the familiar feeling of helplessness enveloped me. I was terrified that if I spoke to someone about my newfound feeling that person would use what I had said to ridicule and belittle me.
It dawned on me that the only person that I knew I could trust was Cindy, even though I still believed that she had betrayed me to the police. But wouldn't I have done the same if I had been in her position? I had no doubt that I would have. Cindy was in deep trouble because she loved me and had wanted to help me. She had tried to talk me out of gambling and crime but when she saw that she couldn't achieve this, in desperation she had gone along with my plans, probably in the hope that she could still change me. And now, because of me, she was very likely going to go to jail.
CHAPTER 15
Although me life was becoming busier and I was settling into a comfortable routine I still missed Garth terribly. So much so that I took no notice of other men my own age. I focused on doing my work diligently and complying with the rules that the Judge had set for me. Having to contact Misses Phillips every day was tedious but I was determined not to let her and the Child Welfare Department down.
Because I still loved Garth dearly, I avoided contact with other young men. This wasn't difficult to do as I spent all my time either at the YWCA or at the pharmacy. The only young man that I had any contact with was Tommy Jackson, a sales representative for one of the country's largest pharmaceutical distributors who visited the pharmacy once a week on a Friday. Tommy was tall and thin with dark brown hair parted in the middle, brown eyes, a thin moustache and a wide mouth with thin lips. He was a confident young man who knew a great deal about the pharmaceutical products that his company distributed. He was always neatly dressed and very polite.
Usually Tommy dealt directly with Mister Cohen but whenever he wasn't available, Mister Cohen would leave the weekly order for pharmaceuticals with me. When Tommy arrived at the pharmacy I would try to give the impression that I was extremely busy and so avoid having to speak to him unnecessarily. This made me feel uncomfortable as it was obvious that Tommy was attracted to me and I could see the disappointment in his expression whenever I hurried away after giving him Mister Cohen's order.
One Friday Tommy arrived at the pharmacy with a small bouquet of flowers which he gave to me before going to see Mister Cohen.
"It's just a small token of my appreciation for being so efficient and having Mister Cohen's order ready whenever I arrive here." Tommy said with a shy smile.
I was too surprised to say anything. Nobody had ever given me flowers before and I was overcome with enchantment at the small gift. Before I could gather my wits and reply, Tommy left my little office and went to see Mister Cohen. I carefully arranged the flowers in a small tumbler of water and placed it on my desk. I still didn't know quite how to react but before I could gather my wits Tommy left the pharmacy.
Throughout the following week I thought deeply about how I would respond to Tommy's gift. I needed to discourage him before he became too enamoured with me but I had to do it in such a way that I didn't offend or embarrass him. I eventually decided to wait for him outside the pharmacy while he was with Mister Cohen and when he left the shop, to speak to him on the pavement. I would have to be very calm and tell him the absolute truth so that he would have no doubt that, although his gift was appreciated, there was no point in attempting to woe me. When he arrived at the pharmacy the following Friday, I waited until he had gone into Mister Cohen's office and quickly left the pharmacy and waited on the pavement for him to leave the shop.
Through the pharmacy window I saw Tommy leave Mister Cohen's office, quickly peer into my office and then walk towards the doorway out of the store, a distinct expression of disappointment on his face. He stepped out onto the side walk and saw me. His expression of relief was painfully obvious.
"Tommy." I said quickly. "I need to speak to you about something very important. Please give me the chance to explain."
Tommy stared at me, a small frown of concern on his forehead. He nodded and waited for me to speak.
"Firstly, I want to thank you most sincerely for the flowers you gave me last week." I said. "I've never been given flowers before and I was overwhelmed. It was very thoughtful of you. However I need to tell you something so that you understand my situation."
"Okay." Tommy said.
"Tommy." I said and took a deep breath to calm myself. "A couple of months ago I was convicted of being an accomplice to two robberies and for harbouring a murder suspect. Right now, I'm out on probation until I turn eighteen when I will be sentenced for my crimes. I'm telling you this so that you will see that your advances are pointless and I must ask you to refrain from attempting to befriend me. We can never have any kind of relationship and I think that we need to terminate any chance of this happening right now.
"I sincerely hope that you'll understand my predicament and not see it as a rebuff. You're a very nice person and I appreciate your friendliness but there really is no future in any relationship between us."
Tommy looked down at the pavement in front of him as he took in what I had just told him. Eventually he looked up at me, a look of admiration in his eyes,
"It's obviously taken a great deal of courage for you to tell me this, Cindy." he said. "I respect your honesty and I also appreciate that you have spoken to me before I tried to further our relationship. I'm not going to pry into your past and I will never speak to anyone about what you've just told me. But I've grown very fond of you ever since I first saw you and I would sincerely like to be your friend regardless of what you've done and what lies in store for you in the future. I understand your predicament and I promise not to attempt to create an embarrassing situation for you.
"I've no doubt that at this time you could do with a little friendship and I'm prepared to maintain our relationship at the level. I won't try to put you under any obligation to me but I would still like to be your friend."
The sincerity in Tommy's voice shook me, as did the expression of concern in his eyes. I looked at him, not knowing what to say.
"I can see that this has been very difficult for you and I won't prolong your discomfit." Tommy said and touched me gently on my arm. "See you next week."
I watched Tommy walk away, a deep feeling of loneliness flooding over me.
***
Each Friday for the next three weeks Tommy stopped at my office after seeing Mister Cohen. He was careful not to appear overfriendly and limited the conversation to the weather and business in the pharmaceutical industry. I was clear to me though that he was very enamoured by me and dearly wanted to cultivate a more personal relationship. I found myself more and more attracted to him and had to constantly remind myself that there could never be any kind of lasting relationship between us.
On the third Friday just as he was about to leave my office he stopped and took a small package out of his pocket.
"I'd like you to have this, Cindy." he said. "It belonged to my mother who was very special to me and I would feel happy if you accepted it because you are also very special to me. Please don't feel embarrassed and don't feel obligated. I understand your situation and accept it and I don't expect anything in return. Simply knowing that you have something of mine that means a great deal to me will help me to live with the fact that a closer relationship with you can never become a reality."
Before I could reply Tommy walked away.
I looked down at the small box carefully wrapped in red paper and with a picture of a rose pasted on top. Very carefully I undid the wrapping and opened the little black box. A small gold ring lay on the red velvet. It wasn't an ornate ornament; simply
a gold band with a small heart engraved on it. I stared at the ring not knowing how to react. My first reaction was to close the box and return it to Tommy when he next visited the pharmacy but something deep inside told me that this would be wrong. The ring obviously wasn't expensive and its real value was the image that it represented.
I became aware of a strange warm feeling within my breast. Someone had given me something that was of great sentimental value to them: something that was more valuable to them that any kind of monetary price. I felt extremely humbled. I was special to someone, even though it was impossible that any kind of close relationship could ever be created with that person. I still loved Garth dearly and constant prayed that he would see the error of his ways and become the person that he really was. I could never betray him.
But what if my prayers were never answered? What if Garth never changed or, if he did change, it was to become even more indifferent, not just to me but to the world around him? Would I be able to handle something like that? Was I being naïve in thinking that Garth could change? People didn't change easily. It needed something momentous to cause people to change. And this could hardly happen to Garth if he was locked away in solitary confinement.
My thoughts went back to Tommy. He was obviously well educated, solid and reliable and very likely to be successful in his chosen career. And above all, he was kind, patient and considerate. He was tall and slim, attractive and always neatly dressed. He clearly took good care of himself both in his appearance and in his lifestyle.
I looked down at the ring in my hand. Slowly I slipped it onto the ring finger of my left hand, ignoring the feeling of guilt that this action created. The fit was perfect. The ring was neither too small nor too large. I stared at the little heart engraved on its surface wondering what Tommy's mother had been like and what had happened to her. But then the doubts came flooding in. If I encouraged a relationship with Tommy would I ever be able to live up to his expectations? Would he compare me to his mother and be disappointed? I shook my head in despair. No. A relationship between me and someone of Tommy's background would never work. I was a convicted child criminal from a lowly background whereas Tommy clearly came from a far more sophisticated background. I would soon become a burden and possibly even an embarrassment to him.
I started to remove the ring and then stopped. It had been given to me by someone who looked upon me as someone special and this meant a great deal to me; more than anything else that anyone else had done for me in my entire life. I felt my eyes tear up and a tear trickled down my cheek. I wiped it away angrily. Why couldn't something work in my favour for a change? I had always longed to be recognized as someone special and now someone had done just that and I there was no way that I could reciprocate.
I put the little box and its wrapping in one of the desk drawers, looked down at the ring and continued with my work.
As I worked a glanced at the ring on my finger and each time I did this I experienced the wonderful feeling of having been recognized by someone. After work I walked back to the YWCA as if I walking on air and that night as I lay in my bed I found myself covering my left hand and the ring with my right hand as if to protect it.
***
By the time Friday arrived I could hardly wait to see Tommy and thank him for the precious gift that he had given me. I wondered though if it was right to wear it on the ring finger of my left hand and eventually decided to move it to my right hand. Wearing it on my left hand would send out a message that I considered myself engaged and I didn't want anyone to think this. Tommy was a friend; not my fiancé.
When Tommy arrived and went to see Mister Cohen I got up from my desk and walked slowly out of the shop and waited on the pavement. Through the front window I saw Tommy leave Mister Cohen's office and glance into my little office. Seeing that the office was empty he walked to the entrance to the pharmacy, an expression of disappointment on his face but his expression changed to one of relief when he saw me waiting on the sidewalk. I showed him my right hand.
"It fits perfectly." I said. "Thank you so much. I have never in my whole life been given something so precious. I'll treasure for the rest of my life."
Tommy smiled and looked at me tenderly.
"I'm glad that you like it." he said. "A precious gift for a precious person. It gave my mother such joy and I sincerely hope that it does the same for you."
We stood on the pavement completely oblivious to the rest of the world and a suddenly realized just how easily I could fall in love with this wonderful man. Then Garth's image floated into my mind and shocked me back to reality.
Tommy must have noticed the change in my expression.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You looked so happy and then your expression changed to such sadness."
"I...I'm fine." I stammered as a shroud of hopelessness fell over me. "I must go back to work. I just wanted to thank you for making me feel so valued."
Tommy smiled, but before he could say anything I hurried into the pharmacy.
***
My feelings towards Tommy as we stood on the pavement worried me. I had to take control of my emotions. A relationship with him was impossible and I needed to remember this at all times. The problem was that the more I tried not to think about him, the more I did think about him. I forced myself to focus on Garth and to try to remember all the good times that we had had together. And there had been many of them. I realized then that it was vital that I made contact with Garth as soon as possible as this would strengthen the bond that had attracted us to each other and still did. But the bond was weakening and I had to strengthen it. But how? He refused to see me and wouldn't accept any messages from me. Once again the familiar feeling of hopelessness crept over me like a shroud.
A few days later, when Tommy still dominated my thoughts, I realized that my past meant very little to him and that he was the type of person who focused on the present and the future. I had no doubt that if I was sentenced to a term in jail, Tommy would be quite prepared to wait for me and support me totally until I was free. I began to experience a vague feeling of hope that perhaps it was possible to enter into a lasting relationship with this wonderful man.
But this feeling quickly vanished when the image of Garth appeared in my mind. The bond between us was far too strong to be severed by another person, especially if the attraction to that person was, in reality, merely a passing infatuation. And it quite possibly was. What did I actually know about Tommy? His gesture of giving me his mother's ring was genuine; I had no doubts about that. But apart from seeing him at the pharmacy I knew nothing about him that would enable me to build a lasting relationship on.
I finally decided that the only way to resolve my dilemma was to try once more to contact Garth. I went to the bank of public telephones in the foyer.
CHAPTER 16
"I'm glad to see that you're changing your attitude, Gilmore." Sergeant Pretorius said. "However, I'm going to keep you in solitary for a while longer until I'm sure that your change isn't an act. People don't usually change as drastically as you appear to have done and I still need to be more convinced that you are genuine about conforming."
The warder had visited my cell on several occasions but this was the first time that he had indicated that he was aware of the change in my attitude.
"We'll give it another two weeks and then, if I'm satisfied that you have genuinely changed I'll arrange for you to be moved to a communal cell." Pretorius said. "I can't put the welfare of the other inmates at risk. I have to be absolutely certain that you aren't a danger to them."
I looked up at the warder.
"You're right, sergeant." I said. "Even I'm not sure of why I've changed."
Pretorius nodded, closed the door and locked it.
I had spent the day trying to understand all the unfamiliar emotions that I had been experiencing over the last week. I too wondered if my transformation was genuine and not a subconscious effort to ease my situation. Could someone change as drastically as I a
ppeared to have done? It didn't seem possible. Change usually happened over a long period of concerted effort. What worried me even more was the possibility that my change of attitude would be used to belittle and ridicule me. In the past, any sign of sentimentality or empathy on my part had led to my being derided and scorned.
This fear had been part of my life for as long as I could remember and it now appeared to still be as strong as ever. This told me that, although I was sure that I wasn't faking it, my change of attitude wasn't deep enough to last. I also wondered if this transformation was a side effect of the psychotropic drugs that I was being treated with. The difference though, was that my emotions such as anger and helplessness were still there but they were counteracted by these strange emotions that I had never experienced before. One of the most persistent new emotions that I experienced was sadness which occurred whenever I thought of the old stallion and the trust that he'd shown even after a lifetime of abuse.
My need to see and speak to Cindy grew more urgent. I was convinced that, if anyone could help me understand what was happening to me, it was her. I realized that I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she had also at some time experienced the metamorphosis that I was now undergoing. And if she had, her help would be invaluable. And just thinking about her made me feel stronger and more able to cope with my new world. Her strength of character and her understanding of other people overawed me. I shook my head in amazement when I realized that I had never been aware of just how strong a person Cindy really was.
Then it dawned on me that it was quite possible that I may have driven Cindy away forever by refusing to speak to her and saying that I never wanted to see her again. If someone had said that to me I would certainly have abandoned that person. These thoughts created a greater need to contact her. If I found out that I really had driven her away I would never forgive myself. I had to do something before it was too late. I shook my head in desperation as it dawned on me that it was probably already too late.
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