by Monica James
We move in harmony, his yang to my yin. We are connected, and death won’t change that. “I love you.” I gasp, threading my hands through his hair.
“And I you,” he pants, dominating my body with his powerful strokes.
My release is close, it always is, but something about this feels different. We’ve finally accepted that this is our future. No matter how short it may be, we will never let go. I would rather live a day being loved by Roman, than live a lifetime without him by my side.
That thought is my undoing, and I explode with an earth-shattering scream.
He moves deeply within me, whispering into my ear. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. Know that my heart will forever be yours.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, sobbing from pleasure and pain.
Quickening his pace, he follows suit soon after, speaking tragically beautiful words.
We lie in one another’s arms for hours, naked and spent. Nothing has ever been more perfect.
Just as I’m on the cusp of sleep, Roman settles beneath the covers, tucking me into his chest. “What is one thing you’ve always wanted to do?”
“Sleep,” I groggily reply.
He chuckles, his breath warming my cheeks. “I plan on making you the happiest girl alive.”
“You already have.”
As we’re both about to fall into a peaceful slumber, I realize this is really happening, and I’m ready for whatever life throws my way. Whatever is coming, I will never give up. And I mean that in every way possible.
Six Weeks Later
I’ve beaten all odds, but there really is no surprise there. Each day I grow weaker, but funnily enough, that doesn’t make me sad. I know I don’t have long, but each day spent with Roman over these past few weeks has made me appreciate life in ways I never thought possible.
We traveled, we laughed, we loved, and we cried. Nothing stood in our way. Nothing was too far or too much. We embraced life with both hands.
My health has not only deteriorated but so has Roman’s. He struggles to do simple chores such as climbing a staircase or taking Freud for a walk. I know he hates it, but we’re locked in a silent agreement not to discuss “it.” He’s still stubborn, headstrong, and as infuriating as usual about the subject, but so am I.
I let it rest, though, because I wanted to live out our final days in peace. And we have. No talk of dying or doom or gloom has been allowed.
But that’s about to change.
I believe everything happens for a reason, so my return to Strawberry Fields was inevitable. If miracles can happen, then tonight is the night. It seems fitting it ends where it all started because Roman has no idea what’s about to happen.
June has organized a party for the kids and their families. It’s quite a lavish affair. But there’s a reason we’re all here.
I knew once I left here, I would be a changed woman, but I just never knew how much. I’ve grown into the woman I’ve always wanted to become, and I’ve achieved everything I’ve wanted, regardless of the fact I had a deadline. We all want more time, but I wouldn’t give up my life, even as it is.
“Sit still,” Zoe admonishes playfully, tugging at a curl in my hair.
Clutching at the locket between my breasts, I meet Zoe’s gaze in the mirror in her room. “Thank you.” And I mean that in every literal way.
She nods, a nostalgic smile tugging at her lips.
Facing death hasn’t turned me into some superhero. It’s made me human. I never knew the reason I was drawn here, but now I do.
“Ready?” Zoe asks, placing her hands on my shoulder.
She knows me too well. I will never give up on Roman. I will fight for him with my last dying breath.
“Yes. I was born ready.”
She laughs, and the sound is one I will truly miss.
It takes me three attempts, but I eventually stand.
“You look so beautiful.” Zoe brushes a curl behind my ear.
Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I come to appreciate that I don’t look beautiful; I look alive, which is an oxymoron, considering I’m embracing the end of my days. I’ve opted for contacts, and my eyes are swathed in a gray shimmer. My mascara lashes are long and full, and my cheeks are tinted with a rosy glow. One could almost mistake me for healthy—almost.
She offers me her arm, always my pillar of strength.
My jeweled flats scuff along the carpet, but Zoe doesn’t rush me. She is with me every slow step of the way.
It takes about twenty minutes, but we eventually arrive at the outdoor pavilion. An eighties love song catches on the cool breeze, and a flurry of butterflies suddenly fills my belly.
“I’m nervous,” I confess, wiping my hands on my ballooned dress.
“Don’t be.” Zoe is right. What I have planned will make all this worthwhile.
Taking a deep breath, I appreciate the glorious sight before us. The night sky glows bright with hundreds of tea light candles sprinkled around the grounds. Tables as far as the eye can see are scattered around the lawn.
I make out many familiar faces, most of whom I invited. Teddy and Dr. Carter are sitting by the small bar. Dr. Carter’s hoarse voice booms loudly, no doubt subjected to Teddy’s infamous charm.
Tamara and my peers sit at a table, chatting and smiling happily. She must feel me watching her because she turns and meets my eyes. There are no hard feelings between us. For her to move on, Roman told her everything. His actions were explained, and she soon realized it wasn’t her. If things were different, she would be a perfect mate, but life doesn’t work that way. I should know.
She nods, a knowing smile passing over her lips. I’ll miss her.
My parents are on the makeshift dance floor, embraced tight as they whisper sweet nothings to each other. They look happy. My mother’s health scare changed both their lives for the better. Sometimes, we need to lose something to appreciate its worth.
I observe the sea of familiar faces, thankful I got the chance to meet them.
Suddenly, someone with a head of luscious long brown hair catches my eye. I blink, certain I’m seeing things, but when she turns, I know I’m not.
My Georgia wouldn’t miss this for the world.
She stops twirling around the dance floor, standing still. There was always an air of tranquility surrounding her, and now is no exception. She looks healthy. She looks happy. She’s welcoming me home.
She raises her hand in a still wave, a gentle gesture that she’s ready whenever I am. I raise my hand, feeling her familiar warmth against my skin. The world is spinning around her, but time would stand still to save her.
“Who are you waving to?” Zoe asks, peering overhead to catch a glimpse of who has captured my attention. But she won’t see anyone.
“No one,” I reply dreamily.
Georgia nods with a conscious smile. She knows it’s not time, not yet anyway. Her feet glide along the floor, ghost-like, as she sways to the haunting music. She’s weightless. She dances to the beat of her own drum. She always has.
My fatigued legs tremble, begging for a reprieve, but we’re not done yet. There is only one person my heart seeks out. It will, until the end of time, always search for him in a crowd.
The low hanging branches of a tall tree shadow my Prince Charming. But eternal darkness can never shun his light. His tuxedo sets off his true masculine beauty; he looks rugged, and commanding, and he’s all mine.
A lopsided smirk tugs at his lips as he curls his finger, beckoning me over to the dark side. I don’t stand a chance.
I begin my slow descent down the star-sprinkled carpet, stopping beneath the arch and admiring its splendor. Tresses of diamonds fall from the summit, and small stars hang from the ends. It truly feels like I’m dancing under the stars.
Roman watches me with nothing but patience as he waits for me. No one, nothing exists but us. I keep my eyes locked on his, unbelieving this man is truly mine. He has taught me so many things, but most
of all, we’ve taught one another how to live.
He steps out from under the tree, the full moon illuminating his radiance. Nothing has been more perfect. It gives me the strength to continue.
We come to a stop a few feet away, both appreciating the sight before us. His hair is slicked back, and his beard is full. He looks nothing like when we first met, but I suppose I don’t either. We’ve both grown and learned, and those life lessons have turned us into the people we were always destined to become.
My heart instantly recognizes him and begins the familiar dance of wanting to become one. But Roman has another dance in mind.
“May I have this dance?” He extends his hand, and just like that, I’m in heaven.
I slip my palm into his and allow him to escort me to the dance floor. My gown trails behind me, leaving footprints of magic in its wake. My parents beam as Roman draws me into his arms, appearing happy I’ve finally found my forever.
I melt into his arms, resting my head against his chest as we sway gently to the music. Our bodies move in sync. I’m engulfed in his fragrance and his warmth, and I only wish it could always be this way between us. But this moment, the memories we’ve made are more than enough. I will never forget.
“Are you having fun?” he whispers into my ear.
“Yes.” I snuggle closer, not wanting to talk because I’m afraid of what I’ll say. Roman’s life is about to change in minutes. Keeping this a secret from him wasn’t an easy thing to do.
I wanted to tell him so many times, but that unspoken promise stood in the way. I’ve held off for as long as I could, but time isn’t on our side, and I can no longer wait. I hope this doesn’t backfire. I hope he understands why I’ve done what I have.
I allow one final heartbeat of comfort before I seek out my prize.
Erin stands by a table, waiting for my cue. I nod with a gentle smile.
She tosses back her beer, appearing to need the Dutch courage. I know the feeling too well. She steps out onto the dance floor, headed our way. I clutch Roman tighter, imprinting him to memory, but my memories will always pale compared to the real thing.
“May I cut in?” Erin asks. Roman doesn’t hide his surprise at seeing her here. I answer for him as I step from his arms. He frowns, missing the connection. I can’t help but love him even more.
I kiss his cheek, wondering if he knows what’s coming. I don’t look back.
I seek out Zoe, who is chatting with Tamara. Everything is where it should be.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Zoe asks, her eyes focused on Erin and Roman, watching my plan unfold.
“Yes.”
“He’s going to be so mad,” Tamara says, a touch of humor to her tone.
I shrug, playfully. “That’s nothing new.”
She chuckles but turns serious. “Do you think it’ll work?”
Watching the change in Roman’s bearing due to Erin’s tears, I know the answer is yes. It has to. “It will work. I’ve made sure of it.”
Both girls are quiet, not questioning my confidence because they know I never give up on what I want.
Tonight is about Roman. It always has been. I may not have spoken about the unspoken, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t plotting. I didn’t want to taint our last moments with sadness, but now, I’ve got nothing left to lose.
Looking at the guest list, they all have one thing in common—Roman. Each person was touched by him, or they saw how he touched me. This entire time, Roman doubted his worth. I’m here to show him just how valuable he truly is.
The song ends, and Erin wipes away her tears. She kisses Roman on the cheek before leaving the dance floor, needing a moment alone. Teddy is next in line. Just as Roman makes a move to where I’m standing, Teddy grabs him by the arm and leads him toward the bar. Dr. Carter and Gus are also there.
For the next forty-five minutes, they talk to Roman, detailing how he not only touched their lives but also changed the lives of so many others. His work as a doctor has saved countless lives. If he leaves this world, then who will fill his shoes?
Teddy turns serious before pulling Roman in for a hug. And that’s my next cue.
The kids Roman cared for circle him, all sharing their personal experiences with him. He slumps onto the barstool, running a hand down his face. I stand in clear view, not wanting to hide.
Tamara strokes my shoulder before joining the band of advocates.
I know she loves Roman, and although nothing is worse than loving someone who doesn’t feel that way in return, she still wants to help save him because he’s someone worth saving.
Both she and Roman sit huddled, her sobbing into his chest. He comforts her, his face in tatters with each word she speaks. Zoe is next. She speaks on behalf of Sadie. My parents take over from her when she’s done.
They didn’t detail what they planned to tell Roman, but I know they respect and accept my decision. It took them a while because coming to terms with the fact their daughter wants to donate her heart to the man she loves isn’t something you hear every day. But they’ve seen the change in me, and if that change is thanks to Roman, then they were more than happy to help save his life.
As my parents leave, the long list of people I found who were more than happy to vouch for Roman’s kindness step up to the plate—doctors, nurses, patients, volunteers, old teachers, and strangers he met for a mere moment…the list is endless.
Roman has touched so many lives, and the thought that he will end his is a reality I will never accept. I know he said no, but I’m a Van Allen. I don’t take no for an answer.
My mother’s tears are ugly as she turns over her shoulder, her love for me swimming in her gaze. I have no idea what she said to him, but whatever it is, he finally lifts his heavy eyes and meets mine.
This entire time, he’s kept his cards close to his chest. I have no doubt he’s furious with me, but deep down, I know he’s amazed that I did all this for him. He may not be able to see his worth, but I can. I always have.
The world needs Roman. He just needs to see why.
I hold back my tears as I see it—a glimmer of hope. Beneath the layers of anger and stubbornness is a smidgeon of acceptance. He arches a brow, extending his arms out, asking if this was my doing. I shake my head slowly and gesture to the people around us—it was ours.
Each person who leaves Roman has tears in their eyes. They’ve unburdened their souls, and I can only hope he’s done the same.
A gentle touch has me smiling. She’s my ace in a hole. She’s the reason I was able to pull this off. “I’m pretty sure I can hear him curse your name from here.”
“That’s nothing new, June.” I turn to look at her with a smile.
When I informed her of my plan, she wanted nothing to do with it at first. Her relationship with Roman was still strained.
But her support shone through when it mattered the most. She can never make up for the years lost, but she can reset their history and try again.
“I knew you came here for a reason,” she confesses. Now that I know she and Roman are mother and son, I can’t help but compare the compassion they share. “You came here to save my son. And you came here to save me. Thank you, Lola.” She wraps her arms around me, kissing my cheek. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”
Hugging her tightly, I whisper, “You already have. Look after him,” I cry into her shoulder, knowing that it’s almost time. “Please give it to him once I’m gone.”
“I will.” She promises to deliver my last parting gift to Roman.
We break apart. She wipes away my tears. With one final smile, she turns and walks toward her son. The moment she simply enfolds him into her arms and he goes willingly, I know he’s going to be okay. I can go now.
Taking one final look around me, I catalog every moment I spent here and file it deep within my heart. I now understand why I came here. And that was to live.
My exit isn’t grand or memorable. I merely slip into the darkness; every part
of me filled with love. I hobble to the only place I belong.
“I’m proud of you, kiddo.”
Closing my eyes, I walk on autopilot, my body slowing down. “Thanks, G. I c-couldn’t h-have done i-it without you.”
The sweet smell guides me. It’s not far now. “No, that’s where you’re wrong. You were always the strong one. You just needed to see that yourself.”
I smile, happy that I’ve finally uncovered why I’m here.
“I’ll be waiting. Whenever you’re ready, know that I’m here. We all are.”
I burst into happy tears, my shoulders shuddering with bittersweet bliss. I come to a stop, slowly opening my eyes.
The perpetual rows of roses have always taken my breath away, and now is no exception. I feel at peace here. Like I belong. I slump to the ground, my beautiful dress pooling around me, blanketed in the dirt.
I fist the ground, the energy vibrating up my arm. Everything is heightened. This is not the end…it’s only the beginning. I once wished I was somebody else, but not anymore. I’m proud to be me. How can I not? Look at all I’ve experienced. Look at the amazing, extraordinary life I’ve led.
I may have only known Roman for a minuscule space in time, but I wouldn’t change that for the world. I can wish I was somebody else, but if I were, I would never have met Roman, and I’d rather die with his memory than live without it.
“You know I’m not okay with this.”
His voice breaks through the silence and warms my trembling form. “I k-know.”
“And you know I would rather give up my life to save yours.”
“I know.” There is nothing more I can say.
He stands above me, his bow tie unraveled, and his top button undone. “But you’re going to make me do this, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” I risk meeting his eyes, hoping his fight has gone.
“You are the most infuriating woman I have ever met.” He begins pacing, tearing at his hair.
“Thank you.”
He turns on his heel, pointing an accusing finger my way. “When did you plan all this?” He’s trying to make sense of how he missed it. “How?”
