by Karin Baine
Bryony’s parents thanked her for her help before setting off back home, leaving Harriet wondering where she could retreat for peace of mind from Charles.
She’d set out early this morning to avoid him. It was silly, really, when she was living in his castle and seeing patients. She couldn’t dodge him, or what was happening between them, for ever. It had crossed her mind to do a moonlit flit and leave in the middle of the night. All because sleeping with him again had made her realise she was still in love with him. In reality there was no escaping that, regardless of her location.
She dropped her head into her hands, taking a moment to reflect on what the hell she was doing with Charles. Once she’d had that space from him to think straight last night she’d convinced herself that by refocusing on the professional aspect of her stay she could get away unscathed. It wasn’t turning out to be that simple, though. There was no way to keep this solely about the baby now they’d slept together again.
It was one thing to tell herself she’d somehow exaggerated how great their last time together had been and she’d read more into it than she should have for a conference hook-up. The reality of being in his home and work life was very different. Those feelings weren’t simply going to be cured by hiding from him.
She’d spent half the morning with Esme, playing with the dogs and discussing the merits of pairing therapy pets with CP patients, safe in the knowledge Charles was on his rounds at the clinic. She’d only come back here when she’d spotted him going back home. It would be childish, not to mention exhausting, to keep this up. He’d catch up with her at some point.
Then what? She couldn’t tell him why she’d run off after their passionate encounter and expect things to carry on as normal. Either he’d try to take advantage of her wasted feelings towards him in order to maintain contact with his child or he could cut off communication altogether. One thing was for sure, he didn’t return the strength of her admiration, he never had.
Harriet was stuck, trapped by her own emotions and bad decisions. The worst of it was she didn’t regret last night, and she’d do it again given the chance. She was a danger to herself.
The quiet elegance of the lounge called to her. A room where patients were able to relax and interact and which had been empty when she’d passed by earlier.
‘Sorry. I didn’t realise anyone was in here.’ She hadn’t expected to see another peace-seeker but there was a man sitting by the fire.
‘No problem. It’s a good place to collect your thoughts.’ Now he’d spoken to her it would be rude to walk out again so Harriet joined him on the opposite side of the fireplace.
‘I’m not sure I should be collecting them. I might be better off throwing them in the bin.’ That prompted a deep laugh and she instantly relaxed in the man’s company.
‘Are you staying here?’
‘I’m visiting with Charles and Esme.’
‘Oh, you’re a friend of the family? You knew Nick, then?’
‘Unfortunately, I never got to meet him. Was he a friend of yours?’
There was a sad nod of the head, which went a long way to explaining the extent to which his death had affected the man. ‘I served with him in Afghanistan. Not an easy thing to get over.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘At least I can talk about it without breaking down now.’ His self-deprecating humour was much appreciated by Harriet when she knew nothing she could say would ease the suffering he’d gone through.
‘They’ve been helping you here, then?’ If he was a friend of Nick’s she knew Charles and Esme would have bent over backwards to assist this man with whatever ailed him.
‘They’ve been life-savers. They literally got me back on my feet and now we’re working on getting me integrated back into society. I’ve still got an issue with loud noises I’m dealing with. You know, with the whole bombs and explosions thing that I can’t seem to get out of my head.’
‘That must be awful but I’m sure you’re making great progress. These things just take time.’ It was great to hear first hand the difference they were making here, and she was sure Charles would puff up with pride when she recounted the conversation to him.
‘I’m very grateful for the help Charles and Esme, and all of the staff here have given me. We’re working up to the ultimate test soon. They’re planning a firework display for Hogmanay, so we’ll see how I go with that.’ He lifted a pair of crutches from the floor and heaved himself into a standing position. Harriet hoped she hadn’t chased him away with her arrival.
‘Good luck.’
‘Thanks. I’m Andy, by the way. Andy Wallace.’
‘Harriet Bell.’ She couldn’t remember the last time she’d shaken so many hands and made so many new friends in such a short time. It was a nice feeling, being part of the community.
‘I hope I see you around again soon, Harriet.’
If the lounge was intended to give the residents here a time out from their stresses and allow them a space to simply relax, it had definitely achieved its goal today. It had helped to take her mind off her own problems to think about someone else’s.
‘I’ve just spoken to Bryony’s parents. They’re very excited.’ Charles’s voice disturbed Harriet’s chance of peace and quiet.
‘So it seems. I’m glad they’ll have something to look forward to.’
‘I wanted to speak to you about that.’ He sat down beside her on the love seat, which was suddenly crowded now he’d wedged his large frame so completely into the space. There was no room for her to edge away from him when they were sitting hip to hip and thigh to thigh. It was ridiculous that in a castle of this size she couldn’t put some distance between them. After all these years apart, suddenly they were drawn together at every turn.
‘About Bryony?’
‘Partly. I take it you’ve heard of selective dorsal rhizotomy?’ They weren’t the words she’d expected to hear from Charles today, but they managed to spark her interest all the same.
‘Yes. It’s a spinal procedure used to improve mobility. I’ve been involved in a few.’ It involved cutting nerves close to the spinal column, which could not only reduce spasticity but give patients back their independence. However, it came with risks. The operation was irreversible and relied on only cutting sensory nerves. If motor nerves were severed it could result in total paralysis. It was a highly specialised surgery, but she had seen some life-changing improvements for patients who’d had it.
‘So you know the difference it could make to someone like Bryony? A lot of CP patients could benefit from it so they’re not relying on hoists for the rest of their lives, or they’re able to do simple tasks for themselves such as feeding and drinking.’
‘Charles, I couldn’t make that decision. There’s a lengthy screening process for those being considered for the procedure. Patients have to be assessed by physical and occupational therapists on their functionality. My involvement is mostly on a post-op basis should any problems arise with joint alignment. Ultimately the final say would be down to the neurosurgeon performing the procedure and there’s no guarantee it would work in her case anyway.’ Everyone was assessed on an individual basis and as much as she wanted to improve life for the little girl and alleviate her pain, it wasn’t up to her.
‘I know I’d have to consult a neurosurgeon too. If I hadn’t had Heatherglen to run I might have gone into surgery myself. There’s a lot of things I would have done differently given the chance but this is about looking forward, not back. I’d like to give families like Bryony’s hope.’
‘One of the problems is that there’s very little funding out there for the procedure. We’re in a Catch-22 situation where they won’t approve it universally until they can see conclusive results that it works. Hospitals only have approval for a limited number who meet certain criteria.’
‘That’s why I want to look into part-funding i
t myself. Perhaps set up a research facility here, with your help, where we can provide the procedure to those who need it and catalogue the results.’
‘Patients need intensive physiotherapy after surgery to help with their mobility too.’ This wasn’t something to be taken on without considering all the implications and the potential benefits had to be deemed greater than the risks.
‘Of course. I’d have to look into extending the physiotherapy department too. I’ll sound Flora out about that. What do you think? Would you be interested in being part of it?’
‘It’s an amazing opportunity, but there would have to be something more concrete in place before I could consider giving up everything in London. You would have to have a neurosurgeon on board or this whole thing is moot.’ They could do so much good for patients across the board and it sounded like an exciting project. Every physician wanted to be part of something revolutionary in the medical world and Harriet was no exception. She simply had to be sure there was something career-wise worth moving for if things didn’t work out for her here on a personal level.
‘I know a few in the field who are interested in taking part if we have the appropriate after care in place, which would include an orthopaedic surgeon. In the meantime, I’ll get a proposal together and get things moving. I’ll make some enquiries with Bryony’s consultant too and see if she could be a possible candidate.’
‘It would be great for her and her family. They’ve been on my mind a lot.’
‘I thought I hadn’t seen much of you since last night.’ He rested his hand on her knee and though it was an innocent touch compared to last night, her body didn’t appear to understand that. Her skittish pulse was reacting as though they were still rolling around naked on the couch. It didn’t help when he was expecting her to say something about the progression of their relationship now it was more than resolving custody of their unborn child.
‘I’ve been busy sussing out the career potential here.’ It wasn’t a total lie. She’d simply been using that research to keep her out of harm’s way. When Charles was close she didn’t give any thought to the consequences of her actions. Knew only that she wanted him.
She’d never had much time for relationships, but it was different with Charles. Yes, she had needs, and goodness knew he increased hers every time she laid eyes on him but being intimate with him was about so much more than meeting her physical needs.
Perhaps it was their history, and now their future as parents, but she hadn’t realised how incomplete she’d felt until she’d come back to Heatherglen and found that missing part of her. A return to London now would only emphasise what she was lacking in her life. If only she could be truly sure she could trust Charles again she would rather stay here in some sort of relationship with him than go back to a world without him in it at all.
‘And? What’s the verdict?’ He lifted his hand as he awaited her response and even that loss was too great for her to bear for too long.
Harriet cleared her throat, but her mind wasn’t proving as easy. She had to work hard to focus on her career prospects rather than on the man beside her. ‘I can see the possibilities Heatherglen has to offer.’
‘Such as?’ His mouth twitched, and it was apparent he knew exactly where her lustful imagination was taking her.
She crossed her legs and attempted to stem the arousal threatening to wreak havoc inside her. ‘The clinic provides a good base for my work. As you said, I can consult and operate at the hospital when I’m needed. Working with Esme at the therapy centre is appealing too. I think it would be mutually beneficial for us to confer about patients. Bryony’s opened my eyes to the possibility of putting patients in touch with Esme and vice versa. We could do so much together.’
This was what he’d planned when he’d pushed her towards his patients, but she would’ve seen the benefits for herself eventually. Heatherglen was offering her the chance to continue her career at the same time as raising a family. The only thing casting a shadow over proceedings was that fear of having her heart ripped out again.
‘And us?’ He took one of her fidgeting hands in his, stroking the inside of her wrist with his thumb and sending shivers of delight across her skin.
A lifetime of denying herself the pleasures he could give her or trying to keep a lid on her feelings was a choice she didn’t want to make but Charles hadn’t voiced any desire to have a proper relationship. They were going to be parents. They’d already been lovers. It was as much commitment as he was liable to make and only Harriet could decide if that would be enough for her.
‘I see no reason why we shouldn’t carry on as we are.’ The thought of sharing his bed regularly emboldened her gaze on him. Knowing if she wavered he’d see through the bravado and realise she wanted more than he was prepared to give.
‘So you’ll stay? We’ll raise the baby here, together?’ The hope and joy she saw on his face should’ve made her decision clear cut, but it caused a wobble in her confidence. He wasn’t declaring his love for her, he was excited about having the baby here.
‘I’ll stay for now, but I still have to go back to London in the new year as planned.’ Despite her unrequited feelings for Charles she knew this was probably a better environment in which to nurture a child than the lonely existence she had in London. As future parents that’s what they both wanted.
‘What about a permanent move?’
‘I’m seriously thinking about it...’
‘You don’t know how happy that makes me.’ To demonstrate, he cupped her face in his hands and planted a kiss on her lips.
If Harriet closed her eyes she could make herself believe this was possible.
When Charles was kissing her, when his hands were on her, she was able to live in the moment. She could move here, raise their child, keep her career, and make love with Charles when the mood took her. The only thing she couldn’t have was his love, but no one had it all. Perhaps she simply had to settle for what she could get.
* * *
‘Morning, sleepyhead.’ Charles nuzzled into Harriet’s hair, tousled from sleep and their other nocturnal activities.
‘Is it that time already?’ she murmured, half-asleep.
This was everything he’d dreamed about. Waking up to a naked Harriet at the start of the day, falling back into bed with her at night was the perfect way to begin and end his days. He had the clinic and now, with Harriet here and a baby on the way, he considered himself the luckiest man on the planet.
‘’Fraid so.’
‘Ugh.’ She snuggled further down under the covers and Charles’s heart swelled because she’d rather be here with him than anywhere else. Long may it last.
These past couple of days with Harriet had been amazing. It wasn’t the traditional start to a relationship, beginning with a pregnancy and working backwards. In time he hoped they could repair their personal issues so she could trust him again and someday they’d be living here as a proper family. Not merely together through circumstances. So far Harriet hadn’t given him any indication she wanted anything other than having her physical needs met. Although he was happy to oblige, he was still in love with her, he always had been. He hoped at some point in the near future she’d feel the same way about him.
‘We do have a bit of time before I have to do my rounds.’ Every part of him was wide awake now.
She blinked her eyes open as he nibbled her ear lobes and brushed his thumb across her nipple. He knew all her weak spots and wasn’t afraid to use that knowledge to his advantage.
‘I look a mess.’
‘You look beautiful.’ She looked so at peace he wouldn’t want her any other way.
‘I...have...morning...breath.’ She giggled in between kisses.
‘I...don’t...care.’ He didn’t. Not that she tasted anything but sweet on Charles’s tongue. All that mattered was that she was here with him.
‘
In that case—’
It was his turn to gasp as Harriet stroked the length of his manhood, making him aware she was up for whatever he had in mind.
His playful growl was answered by her squeal of surprise as he flipped her onto her back. Once he was covering her body with his, all joking was finished. Making love to Harriet was a serious business.
She was so ready for him Charles slipped easily inside her to find that peace he’d only ever found with Harriet. She’d been the only woman he’d ever considered sharing his life with. Although that thought process in the past had been behind the decision to break up, the idea now was akin to winning the lottery. Every touch, every kiss from her was a gift. Someday he hoped they’d both believe he was worthy.
He wanted to say the words, to tell her he loved her, but he didn’t have the right. It would scare her off when she’d been wary enough of this set-up. After that first night together, she’d done her best to avoid him until she’d seemed to come to the conclusion this arrangement would be convenient. His feelings for her were anything but convenient. They’d complicated the life he had at Heatherglen and the one he’d planned with the mother of his child. If he kept them to himself, they couldn’t hurt anyone. It was only thinking of himself that caused pain to those around him.
‘Hey.’ Harriet’s voice broke through his thoughts. She took his head in her hands and forced him to look at her. ‘Where did you go?’
He had to get better at pretending he could be casual about this if he expected her to stick around.
‘I’m right here with you.’ He kissed her long and deep, sufficiently that the tension ebbed away from her limbs again beneath him. Passion enough to distract them both from what was going on in his head.
They rocked together, clinging onto what they had in the moment. As Charles followed Harriet over the edge, his last thought before oblivion hit was that since she had come back, his heart had begun to heal again.
