by Sophia Gray
“I see you had a change of heart. Can you help me for a moment before you climb in there?”
D was standing shirtless in my room. The stitched arm looking angry and swollen around the wounded area.
“That looks really bad, D. Let’s get it cleaned up and rewrapped.”
“Thanks, Janessa.”
I couldn’t help but note, once again, how much the sadness in his voice came through when he spoke to me. If that weren’t heartbreaking enough, there was a pained look behind his eyes, like a small boy who couldn’t quite find his way after getting lost on an incredible journey.
“Janessa?”
“Oh, sorry.”
I realized I had been just sort of staring at his arm for a moment. I broke free of my thoughts and went over to the cabinet where I had seen peroxide and cotton pads. He had the gauze and tape in his hand already, but the wound needed to be wiped down a bit and coated with antibiotic cream, which I now noted was sticking out of his front pocket. I put peroxide on the cotton pad in my hand and began dabbing at the wound. D winced each time I made contact.
“I’m sorry. I’m being as gentle as I know how to be.”
“It’s okay. I know you are. I appreciate the help. It’s just hard for me to do it with one hand.”
“I imagine so.”
I smiled up at him and went back to work on getting the wound cleaned. When I was done, I pulled the tube of cream from his front pocket and applied it liberally before recovering and taping it.
“There you go. That ought to do you.”
“Thank you, Janessa.”
“You’re welcome.”
His eyes were soft for a moment as he looked down at me. I could smell his cologne, just as intoxicating as usual. I felt sadness wash over me as a flash of us together came and went like still shots infesting my brain. I shook them off and moved away from him. Standing too close to him, feeling his presence, did me no good at all.
“I didn’t mean to disrupt your bath. I hope it’s not gotten cold.”
“I’m sure it will be fine.”
“I’ll leave you alone to soak in peace, then.”
“See you in the morning.”
“Yep.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
After he was gone, I closed the bathroom door, got undressed and slipped beneath bubbles. The water was still hot and felt great. Pouring myself a glass of wine, I sat back and relaxed. It was as calm as I’d felt all day. I had been running on pure adrenaline since the shots had first started and was just numb to all that had happened. The bath felt amazing and the wine didn’t hurt a bit. I had finished almost the whole bottle before I climbed out. I slipped into my robe and poured the rest into my glass.
Slipping into my pajamas and brushing my hair, I sat down in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I could see how tired I looked. A part of me just wanted to go home, and not just my makeshift home here. I wanted to leave all of this and go back to my old life. I didn’t want to know about motorcycle clubs, drugs or get shot at while getting out of cars. I just wanted to forget any of this ever happened.
Mostly, I just wanted to get as far away as possible from D. I wanted to forget that I had met him and the effect he had on me. I wanted to forget the way he smelled, tasted, the sound of his laugh. I could no longer reconcile my need to find my father’s killer with my affection for D. I couldn’t have it both ways and perhaps it was just time to let it all go and walk away while I still could. In time, I’d let the pain of both go. My mind raced with so many thoughts that I couldn’t quite make sense of all of them.
I climbed into bed, my head feeling a bit woozy from the beers and wine aided by the hot water I had been soaking in. If nothing else, at least maybe I could stop thinking so much for a while. I snuggled into the heavy cotton sheets and closed my eyes, looking forward to a bit of oblivion. Sleep came quickly, thankfully.
The following morning, D and I stopped off for breakfast at a little place known simply as Earth Food. It was a bit of a dive, but that was typical. D was making good on his earlier promise to take me to all of the places that only the locals knew about, places where the décor was questionable, but the food was top notch. Unfortunately, the company wasn’t quite as desirable. D was moody, obviously lost in his own thoughts. I was glad when it was time to go, though I had my own concerns about that as well.
The drive from breakfast to the casino seemed endless. I stared out the window, my mind already back on the multi-track thought system with so many thoughts that I wasn’t sure which to focus on for more than thirty seconds at a time. D didn’t speak, instead turning the radio up a bit on an alternative rock station so that there was no need or room for conversation between us. I was glad when we pulled into the parking lot, even if I was still also a bit apprehensive about stepping out of the car since D refused to change his parking habits just because someone shot at us.
We made our way into the casino and went our separate ways. I headed over to the center bar where Knuckles was already working and D retreated to his office within the casino. Neither of us even bothered to say goodbye as we parted company.
Standing behind the bar, it was business as usual for everyone else in the club, but for me, it was nerve jangling. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to ask so many questions of everyone there. I needed answers now more than ever and there were none to be had. The moment I started to ask any, I’d have D to deal with, and I really couldn’t say for certain what that meant. The urge to just run away from it all was getting stronger by the moment. I just didn’t know how much more I could take.
I had to consider the facts of everything. The most important thing being the fact of who D really was. It was easy to overlook the kind of man everyone knew him to be when he was so charming on a personal level, but D had long been known as a monster to many. It was frightening to know I could have feelings for someone who was capable of the things I considered he might do if I crossed him further. I was lucky that I had escaped much of his wrath as it was, and a part of me wondered why that was. Why had he taken it easy on me when he would have taken swift action against anyone else?
“Janessa, shift’s over. Let’s go.”
I looked up to see D passing by, waving toward me like he was calling a family pet, and I found that it both annoyed and hurt me to be treated that way by him. I gathered my things and followed at his heels like a good puppy. Just like on our way in, we didn’t speak on the ride home. I realized that I hadn’t seen him all day and wondered what he had been up to. Looking over at him in the car, I could see that he looked incredibly pale again. He must be in considerable pain.
“Did you take any pain meds today, D?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Janessa. Maybe because I thought it best to be on top of my game with people infiltrating my club, betraying me from the inside and shooting at me when I try to get out of my fucking car.”
“Why are you so angry? It was just a question.”
“It was a stupid question.”
“I’ll try to refrain from asking any more of them then.”
“Do that.”
I could feel tears welling up. I hated that I often cried when I was angry, but this was twofold. Not only did I feel angry, but I was hurt on top of it and it all was just surfacing rapidly amid the stress of all that was going on. I was stuck, D’s prisoner. It might look like I was living like a queen in a mansion, but I was really nothing more than an animal in a cage.
“Nadine made dinner, so we will eat and then we need to talk.”
“Talk about what?”
“After dinner, Janessa.”
“Not like I have a choice but to say okay, is there, D?”
“No, that would pretty much be your only option.”
“Lucky me.”
Ignoring my sarcasm, he parked the car at the house and we made our way inside. Whatever Nadine had prepared smelled wonderful. At least there w
as that to look forward to.
“I’m going to change for dinner.”
“Okay. I’ll pick out a bottle of wine.”
“Special occasion?”
“Just a long day.”
“Have you changed your bandage today?”
“No. I haven’t had time.”
“Let me get changed, and I’ll bring down the stuff to get it cleaned and re-bandaged.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
“I’ll be in the game room.”
When I returned, he was sitting on the sofa, staring into space. There was no television on, no music, just him staring blankly ahead.
“D? Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Okay. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
I watched as he stood and pulled his shirt over his head. He hadn’t worn the sling to the casino and I could tell by the way he moved his arm so slowly that he had paid for it dearly already. I also had a hard time not being enthralled with his bare skin. It was hard not to look at his muscular chest and perfectly defined abs and not want him. Despite everything that had gone on between us, I found it hard to forget the feelings that I had been developing for him. Now, all I could think of was how to get out of this whole mess I was in.
“I’m sorry that I have gotten you into this whole business, Janessa.”
“I’m sorry. What?”
I paused with the pad I was using the clean his wound and looked up at him. He was looking down at me thoughtfully.
“You are here because of me, my club. Your father is dead because of me.”
“What are you saying? You know what happened to my father?”
“No, not yet, but I know that my lack of control over my organization allowed for it to happen. Perhaps I didn’t pull the trigger, but I hold myself responsible just the same.”
“D, you can’t take care of everything. You can only know so much, do so much.”
I went back to cleaning his arm, finishing it up and dabbing on the antibiotic cream before putting the large square of gauze over it and taping it down. I looked up at him as I finished and smiled, pulling the bottle of pain killers from my pocket and fishing two of them out.
“Here, go ahead and take these. They’ll kick in by the time we finish eating.”
“No. I’ve picked us out some wine to have with dinner. Let’s go eat. Nadine already left.”
“Okay.”
I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on with him. He was so distant on the ride home and now he was just being odd in a way that I couldn’t quite understand. I put the bandaging aside and went to wash my hands before we ate. D was getting the wine from the kitchen when I walked into the formal dining room where dinner had been set out on the large, formal table.
I sat down in one of the chairs on the left side where the food had been set out. To my surprise, D sat down beside me rather than across the table as I would have expected. There was definitely something going on with him tonight. After the silent treatment all day, he seemed to be having some sort of guilt trip about things, perhaps my father, perhaps just how he had been treating me. I never had been the best at reading men. I doubted that I was spot on with it now.
“Wine?”
“Yes, please.”
D poured me a glass of wine and then one for himself, settling down into his chair and waiting for me to start helping myself before he began putting his own plate together.
“This looks fantastic!”
“Oh, it is. I asked her to make it because it is one of my favorites and I knew you would enjoy it too. It’s like chicken cordon bleu, but she uses a few alternate ingredients that really kick it up a notch.”
Cutting into my piece, I took a bite, savoring it slowly. It was delicious. The perfectly cooked chicken breast was topped with a thick slice of smoked ham and five pepper cheese, giving it a bold, spicy flavor you didn’t get when you made it with baby Swiss. The sauce she had prepared was simple but elegant, and complimented the flavor well. Accompanied by steamed vegetables and a Mediterranean style couscous, it was one of the best meals I’d eaten in a long time.
“You were right, this is fantastic and the wine goes with it perfectly.”
“I’m glad you like it. I wanted to have her make something you’d really enjoy.”
A dark thought occurred to me and I tried to shut it out, but it loomed large in my brain. Why was he worried about my meal, unless…maybe it was my last one? I chastised myself for thinking like that, but I had once again forgotten just who I was dealing with. It would make sense that I was a liability, in the way. Perhaps he had already found the truth about my father, and now I was just in the way. A part of me had a hard time imagining D doing the things I knew he was capable of, especially when it came to doing them to me. I just couldn’t imagine him doing me any harm, not really. Yet the thoughts persisted.
“What’s wrong? Your face, it looks like you saw a ghost.”
“Why did you have Nadine make this for me? I feel like you are saying goodbye.”
“Goodbye? What? Oh, Janessa. No. This is an apology. I have been thinking about everything and I’ve realized just how much my club has wronged you. I may not have done it directly. I may not have even known about it, but my lack of attention to things around me resulted in it.”
“It’s not your fault, D. I thought we talked about this before. You have a lot on your shoulders. You can’t know everything.”
“I only need to know one thing. One thing only, Janessa. I need to know that I am surrounded by people who have my back. I need to know that when I’m not there to tell them what to do, they are still doing what is in the best interests of the club and its members. Going rogue and taking down innocent people isn’t acceptable, but it’s my fault for getting too comfortable with the wrong people. I’ve got some hard decisions ahead of me. I have to weed out the herd, so to speak, and I am not sure that I can know if I’m doing it right under current circumstances.”
“I know you are burdened with way too much for one man, but I believe you are a good judge of character. I think that when the time comes, you will be able to sort out those who should stay from those who need to go, and I don’t believe there is anyone who could possibly be better at instinctively having the answer they need than you.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I have just lost faith in those innate abilities for the moment. Anyway, let’s finish talking about this after dinner, Janessa. I don’t want to ruin our meal with all of this nonsense.”
“Okay. We can do that, but I do think it warrants further discussion.”
“You are most likely right about that. Good enough for now. Let’s eat our food.”
We ate mostly in silence that felt awkward. It put a huge damper on an otherwise wonderful meal, but I was getting a bit used to that with D. I never knew what one day would bring from the next. He was as moody as they came, but I had to understand that it was something anyone would be in his position. There was no doubt that he was under a lot of pressure, and I certainly hadn’t helped matters with my little revelations.
We cleared away the plates, rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher. When we were done, I wasn’t sure what was supposed to happen next. I turned to him and waited to see what he would say about what we should do next. I expected whatever he had to say to be something I didn’t want to hear after his comment that we should wait until after dinner, instead I found myself completely caught off guard by his next words.
“I have feelings for you, Janessa.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Let me finish.”
“Okay.”
I braced myself for what was to come next. I fully expected there to be a “but,” as in, “I have feelings for you but we just can’t be together after what you’ve done.” Instead, I got a quite unexpected surprise.
“I understand what you did. He was your father and you needed answers. You didn’t know me and to someone
who is looking at my world from the outside, I must seem like a pretty terrible guy. I won’t lie, I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. I’ve done things that you don’t really want to know about. What I haven’t done is ever harm someone who didn’t bring it upon themselves.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
He put his finger up to my lips to hush me and shook his head from side to side as if to say I wasn’t supposed to say anything about it.
“I can’t blame you for what you did. I didn’t expect for it to bother me like it did. Normally, I would have kicked you out of my casino and warned you against any further snooping. I wouldn’t have lost one night’s sleep over it. Instead, I have agonized about it. All I could think about was how you betrayed me after I had begun to trust you. What I’ve realized in these last few days is that you were only doing exactly what I do every day, looking out for your family.”
