He looked like he wanted to crawl back into bed, but she thought he was well enough now to start putting pressure on him to get back. She turned around and faced him, dressed in her knickers and corset, and put her arms around him, leaning against his chest, just happy to hear his heartbeat.
“We need to get home,” she sighed, looking up at him, about to bat her eyelashes.
“Don’t you do it, madame,” he said, but his mouth quirked up in a half grin. “I did miss you terribly. All the little things, like the way you chew your lip while doing your needlework. The way your hair falls across your cheek and you brush it away with an annoyed look. Let’s not fight again.”
“I suppose we’ll fight again,” she said forlornly. “But I’ll just run up to Happenham instead of trying to get back to the twenty-first century to see my mother.”
“Do you miss her that much?”
“Sometimes, of course. But I missed you more, especially when I thought I might never see you again. And Dex told me we visit, so I think it’ll be all right.”
“I wonder how we manage to visit?” he mused. “Certainly not my spell.” He swallowed hard and looked past her, lost in bad memories.
“About that. We have to get to it. Thomas is raring to get back, he misses his family. And Farrah made her decision and says she’s ready to withstand the pain to come with us.”
He set her back from him, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking deeply into her eyes. “I’m afraid for you, Matilda, and for them. What if it was pure luck that kept the spell from killing me? What if none of us make it back alive? And if we survive, I don’t think you can imagine how bad it was. The burning, the sickness. I can’t describe it.”
She pushed down a lump in her throat. “Yet you kept doing it. To find me.”
“I’d do it again if you hadn’t been here. Nothing could be worse than a life without you.”
“Well then, let’s get a little cottage here, or whatever we can afford. You obviously can’t be Lord Ashford anymore, but at least I have some skills. I can get that job I wanted so badly and support the both of us. Thomas and Farrah will have to adjust or find someone else to help them.”
“Ah, bugger, Matilda.”
“I wasn’t being sarcastic,” she said innocently. “I’d be perfectly happy and you know it.”
“I do know it, damn it.” He sat down on the edge of the lumpy mattress they’d been sharing and shifted his weight uncomfortably. She had a feeling it was the mattress that sealed the deal. “Tell the others to get ready. We’ll go after the sot has left for his nightly carousing.”
Chapter 30
Serena slipped into Ashford’s study, not caring that it was the middle of the day and the halls were practically swarming with servants. She felt invincible since he’d left, finding more and more time to study the book. At first she’d been content to just look at the pages, run her fingers over the long ago written words and painted pictures, and let the information absorb into her. It was intoxicating. But now she wanted to try something, and the baby seemed to agree with her, kicking excitedly whenever she got the thought in her head to do it.
She wanted to start small, move something without touching it. It seemed such a useful thing to be able to do, and didn’t require any items that might cast suspicion on her. However, whenever she turned to that page, she felt a gnawing discomfort in her belly and ache in her lower back which caused her to have to get up and stretch or walk around a bit. Every time she returned to the chair, every time, the book was set to a different page, showing a spell that made something disappear.
“What could be the use of that?” she said aloud, patting her belly. The first time this strange phenomenon happened, she’d been afraid, not sure if it was the baby or the book itself that was doing it. “And where does the object go?”
The thought of sending something to another place, without knowing where it went made her uncomfortable to say the least. If used improperly, or worse, against a person, it seemed unaccountably dangerous.
The baby kicked again, and she could have sworn it seemed an angry kick this time. Her vision faded in and out and her hands tingled as if they were falling asleep. She got angry herself and forcefully turned the pages until she happened upon a spell that was supposed to wring the truth from someone. She’d seen it before and had lingered over it, but it was supposed to cause the person pain, and as much as she wanted to know everything from Kostya, she couldn’t imagine hurting him.
Until now. Now her anger at being coerced by the thing inside her, at not being able to sleep, at constantly being worried, made her think twice about using it. He’d recover after all, and she’d get what she wanted.
She pushed herself away from the desk, horrified at the thoughts that had just gone through her mind. Had she actually considered harming her husband? And had she really thought of her baby as a thing? Something she feared and despised? More fear coursed through her at the thought that it might know her feelings and punish her. She was overcome by a cold chill and started to shiver.
If only she could get some sleep, that might make things better. She regretted ever looking at that damnable book, regretted not listening to Kostya. He knew what terrors it held, that was why he stayed well away from it. He considered it wholly evil and wouldn’t use magic even to help his oldest friend.
Was she evil now as well? Had it tainted her past the point of redemption? Even with these thoughts, she couldn’t turn away from the thing. It had become a compulsion to look at it, mindlessly turn its pages.
Kostya burst into the room. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you—” he stopped, shocked to see her shaking over the book.
She hurriedly stood up, trying to find words to explain what she’d been doing, find an excuse or a lie he might believe.
He shook his head abruptly. “They’re back. They’ve made it back but something went wrong. Come with me quickly if you have anything to say to Ashford. It may already be too late.”
***
Tilly hit the floor as if she’d been dropped from the roof. Ashford hadn’t exaggerated, what she felt was pure torment. Not a single thought could form in her brain, every cell in her body was on fire, she was positive every bone must be broken and she felt like heaving up her guts, all at the same time. And then, like that, it was over. She lay panting, drenched in cold sweat, staring up at her grandmother. Exhausted, she closed her eyes, sure she must be hallucinating, or possibly dead.
“Tilly, dear, are you all right?” a familiar voice asked. Was it really her grandmother? “It’s all over now. Wake up, sweetie.”
Yes, it was definitely her grandmother’s voice. The comforting sound made it past her shock and she pried open her lids once more. Helen was still there, dressed in Regency garb, and looking quite good in it, her hair neatly tucked up with blue ribbons and a lacy kerchief tucked into her neckline.
“Gran?” she rasped, her throat sore. “What’s happening?”
“You made it back,” she explained.
Tilly’s mind snapped together and she sat up, ignoring the wave of dizziness. She recognized the sparsely furnished room, but where were the others? How could it be possible that she was the only one who’d gone through? She heard a retching sound and crawled around to the other side of the bed to find Thomas losing Mrs. Hedley’s farewell meal. Farrah sat in the corner, shaken and also dripping with sweat, but awake and alive.
“Where’s Ashford?” Tilly demanded, trying to stand. Her gran helped her with an arm around her waist, but didn’t answer. She repeated the question, much more shrilly.
“Come along, dear,” she said. “I’ll take you to him. Let’s try to hurry, if you can.”
“What happened to him?” she cried, unable to go as fast as she wanted.
Helen led her down the hall to one of the bedrooms, and she burst through the door to find Liam standing over Ashford, stretched out on the bed, pale except for the red streaks of blood that stained his face and sh
irt. She collapsed to her knees at the side of the bed, barely acknowledging Liam’s presence, and grabbed Ashford’s hand.
“Make him better,” she demanded. “Please.”
“How many times did he do that cockamamy spell?” Liam growled, moving his arms back and forth a few inches above Ashford’s inert form.
Tilly struggled to think. “This was four,” she told him. “No, five.”
He hissed angrily through his teeth. “The damn fool should never have done it once. You’re all lucky to be alive.”
Kostya pushed into the room, Serena close at his heels. Tilly was surprised to see how big her belly had become, and any other time would have been delighted to see them both, but all she felt was terror for Ashford. If she lost him now, all because she’d pressured him to hurry them back, she’d never be able to live with herself.
Something else she noticed about Serena was that she looked ill. Her normally luminescent, rosy cheeks were pale and almost sunken, and her eyes looked blank and listless, ringed with dark shadows. Her hands shook at her sides, but that might have been worry over them being missing. Tilly pushed aside her guilt to concentrate on Ashford. If she could only make him better by sheer force of her will, he would have popped out of bed by now, right as rain.
Serena leaned over the opposite side of the bed, tears streaming down her face, and Tilly forced herself not to look at her, not wanting to cry herself. Liam continued to mutter angrily under his breath as he did his incantations, interspersed with wishing they had access to a modern hospital. Kostya stood beside Serena and put his arm around her, but she stood stiffly at his side, not accepting his comfort. After a few more minutes passed with no improvement, Thomas and Farrah staggered into the room and stood anxiously at the foot of the bed. Tilly wanted to scream.
“I don’t know what else to do,” Liam said, clutching the bedpost and breathing heavily. “I’ll try again in a second.”
Tilly realized her gran had knelt down beside her, and had taken her hand. She glanced at her to see her eyes were riveted on Ashford.
“He’ll be all right, dear,” she said, not blinking. “We’ll all of us make him be all right.”
No sooner had she said the words, Ashford opened his eyes. “Bloody hell,” he mumbled. “Why is everyone gaping at me? Why not call in the servants as well? Or run out and grab some passersby.”
Tilly threw herself on him and quickly flinched away at his agonized moan. “We were worried about you, you oaf.”
Serena sobbed and ran from the room. Kostya gripped Ashford’s shoulder before going after her.
“Ah, well, now I feel bad,” Ashford said. “Or rather, worse. Please tell me we made it to the right time?”
“You’re back,” Liam said gruffly. “Damn fool.”
“But it worked, didn’t it?” Ashford answered, smug even through his pain.
“Don’t argue with a sick person,” Helen said, standing up and resting her palm on Liam’s arm. “Let’s leave them be for now.” She turned and herded Liam, Thomas, and Farrah out of the room.
“If you got me back here and then died, I would have found a way to bring you back so I could kill you myself,” Tilly said, swallowing hard against relieved tears.
“I’ll be fine as soon as I get some tea in me,” he told her. “Oh, did you notice your grandmother and Liam decided to drop in?”
She laughed and rested her head lightly on his chest. “And Kostya and Serena are here as well. A full house. I like it. I’m so happy to see Gran.”
“There are dogs too,” Ashford said, eyes drifting closed. His chest rose and fell peacefully under her cheek and she got all the way on the bed to lie with him while he rested. “Loads and loads of dogs. Terrible little mongrels…”
She smiled contentedly as she listened to him complain, falling asleep soon after he did.
Chapter 31
Thomas recovered enough to go to his own home, and Farrah was overcome with an uncharacteristic burst of shyness and begged off socializing with anyone until she was fully recovered. Cook had her tucked up in a room in no time, having taken an instant liking to the odd girl.
Shortly after Tilly woke up from her nap, Helen stuck her head in the door, a gentle, questioning smile on her face. Tilly knew it was time to talk and couldn’t help feeling like she was ten years old and in trouble. She shook off the annoying feeling, and prepared herself to take responsibility for her actions, knowing she truly was ready to face whatever future was headed toward her.
They settled into one of the cozier sitting rooms and Helen sighed deeply, pulling a thick shawl around her shoulders. Before she could say anything, Tilly plowed ahead.
“I’m sorry, Gran. I didn’t mean to worry you and take you away from your travels with Liam.”
She wondered if she should give her grandma a heads up on her new boyfriend’s fate, maybe get him to eat more salads, but didn’t think she’d like living with such a dark cloud over her head. Dexter had said they’d shared nine wonderful years together. She didn’t want to ruin that for them. And knowing one’s fate didn’t mean it couldn’t be changed somehow, she reminded herself, thinking of Ariana, determined to change that fate no matter what it took.
Helen frowned. “I’m more worried about you now, dear,” she said. “If you want to go home, Liam and I will take you. We can go tomorrow if you like.”
Tilly was stunned, and shook her head. “No, no. I figured everything out while I was bouncing around in time. Really,” she assured at her gran’s fierce look. “I was upset, and still thinking like a twenty-first century person. I wanted to talk to mom, and you— I didn’t know you’d be visiting so soon or I’d never have flown off the handle.”
“But still, Matilda, you don’t think you’ll feel the same again? This isn’t like moving to England in your own time. It’s much, much more difficult to visit.” She raised her eyebrow and gave a glance toward the ceiling, indicating Ashford’s rough condition after chasing after her. “Though, at least I’m convinced of that man’s feelings for you now,” she said begrudgingly.
“I’m convinced too,” Tilly said with a smile, feeling her face get warm. “And I’m convinced of my feelings, too. I’ve come to terms with things being different than what I’m used to, and I love it here enough to work through the difficulties.”
“Well, we’re going to visit once a month until we’re certain,” she said stubbornly.
Tilly hugged her. “Good, but only because I’ll be glad to see you, not because you need to rescue me. Try and get mom to come with you, if she can.”
The thought of possibly never seeing her mother again still tore at her insides, but she’d hope for the best. If Liam’s spell worked for her, she’d be able to see her again, show off all the kids she was going to have. And Dexter had said she’d somehow made it back for holidays, so she’d hold onto that as well.
Liam came to drag Helen away, clearly exhausted from his efforts to heal Ashford. Tilly promised her gran she’d spend the entire next day with her, showing off what she knew of Regency London, and doing the rounds of visits. Liam groaned, knowing he was included in all that activity, and Tilly shooed them off to bed, grateful to have a few moments alone. She was happier still when Serena and Kostya joined her, but concerned once again to see Serena looked as sickly as before.
After a bracing spot of tea and some hearty soup, Ashford felt well enough to hobble downstairs, to make sure Liam wasn’t denigrating him too badly, he said, but Tilly could see he was disappointed to find he had already retired. She knew he was as glad to be home as she was, and they both wanted to be surrounded by loved ones.
In the cozy sitting room, with the curtains drawn and the fire blazing, Tilly saw that it was later than she thought. Serena had moved to a small settee by herself, and Tilly asked if she could sit with her, worried about her friend’s uncharacteristically sad countenance.
She jumped as if startled out of a deep revery and nodded. “Of course. I’m so grateful y
ou’re all right.” She gave Tilly a weak hug and seemed to collapse back into the cushions.
“And what about you?” Tilly asked. She knew Kostya loved Serena with everything he had in him, but men could never be trusted to see when someone didn’t feel well, or in Serena’s case, was downright infirm. “I want to say you’re glowing, but you’re the opposite.”
Serena patted her dull cheeks and smiled even more dully. “I’ve become quite the vampire. Can’t sleep at all these days.”
Tilly slipped her arm through Serena’s, feeling awful. “I’m so sorry. Was it because of my stupidity?”
Serena sniffled. “No, though of course I was afraid for you and Ashford. This is all because of my own stupidity.” She turned away so that Ashford and Kostya wouldn’t see her crying. “Oh Tilly, I fear you’ll hate me if I tell you.”
“That’s crazy talk,” she assured her. “You’re my best friend in this time.” She paused, thinking about it. “In any time, really. I thought I might hate you in the beginning because Ashford dotes on you so much, and you’re so ridiculously pretty, but you’re far too nice of a person, so it never took.”
Serena gave a half-hearted laugh through her tears, then swiped at them, a desperate look taking over her face. She pulled Tilly closer and clutched at her hands.
“You were in France, you know what happened there. I saw the letter from Ashford saying Camilla was still alive, but when Kostya finally returned, he said it was nonsense. And Moldavia? Do you know what happened there? He’s not the same since he came back. Something’s wrong with him.”
Tilly was utterly stunned. She swiveled her head around to gape at Kostya, cluelessly speaking with Ashford, probably about sheep or something, and wanted to wring his neck.
“Is that what has you so worried?” she asked carefully. Yes, she could tell Serena most of what had happened, but she didn’t think it was her place.
“It was at first, but then the baby started kicking—”
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