by Ashley Munoz
My fingers moved as the sun bounced off the science building to my right and the breeze blew gently passed, mussing my hair and reminding me that winter was on its way. Thinking of winter made me think of Taylor’s baby and whether or not she’d stay with me once she had it. Again, there was some deeper part of me that, if I were being honest, I’d admit wanted her to, even more so after I’d gotten to know her better…but my basic survival instincts wouldn’t let me acknowledge or ever admit that out loud.
Focusing on the cell in front of me, I punched out a text to her.
Me: You never told me the date for the ultrasound.
I waited, seeing the little bouncing dots jump and die down. I looked up, realizing I was too attached to this situation, too attached to my mind wandering, thinking about who Taylor was with, who she was seeing, and if it was Holden fucking Winters. Finally, after several minutes and once I started walking again, her reply came in.
Taylor: About that…Holden said he’d go. No need to come, you’re off the hook.
I froze mid-step in the middle of the walkway with students moving and bustling around me. Someone jostled me from the side and another from the back, but all I could do was stare at the screen. My heart was doing something funny, something strange, like it had beat so hard it had escaped and somehow fallen, swooping into my stomach, forcing it to churn anxiously. I could usually sense when she was pushing me away, but in this…with him, there was no clear way to tell, and I didn’t have enough heart to risk to find out.
Spinning on my heel, I marched toward my car and decided I needed to ruin this, whatever the fuck it was. It had to end, because the tearing sensation happening in my chest couldn’t surface again.
Chapter Fifteen
“This chair is pure magic,” I said wistfully to Fatima. I rocked while she used a scanning gun on specific items.
“You need to be doing this yourself,” she said, and I peeked an eye open to see her shaking her head. It was difficult to tell if she was truly annoyed with me or not. With Mallory it was always easy to tell because she was annoyed with me frequently. I had that way about me, I supposed. Unintentional as it was, sometimes I didn’t pick up on social cues that came easily to others. I’d been raised with monsters most of my life and spoiled for the other half. I was incorrigible, regardless of how frequently I desired to change this about myself.
“You don’t have to do it, Fatima.” I sat up, bracing my hands on the sides of the chair to stand. She made a sound I could only identify as a sassy scoff.
“Girl, I never said I didn’t want to do it, only that you should be, so you know what you’re registering for.” Her dark brow rose as she pivoted toward the stack of diapers next to her. Using the scanning gun in her hand, she began to scan each box.
I scooted out of the chair and knelt down next to the stack.
“Why are there different sizes here? Shouldn’t I be registering for the small ones for when it comes home from the hospital?”
Fatima turned her honey-colored eyes toward me, her mauve lips slung in a disappointed frown. “It? Didn’t you find out the gender, and don’t you have a name picked out?”
Right, that whole thing. I shrugged with indifference, feeling my internal, solidified fortress reinforce with more resolute emotional steel than ever.
“The doctor penciled me in, but not for another week or so.” What I didn’t tell her was I’d canceled twice now because I was too chicken to go by myself. Regardless of what Juan had offered, there was no way I’d endanger him by letting him go with me, especially if my father’s men were watching us. I shouldn’t even have been going to his house, but I was having a hard time not being local throughout the week.
“Look.” My new…or almost friend turned toward me. “The ultrasound is just to make sure the baby is healthy, and you can even request they don’t tell you the gender. There are lots of people who go that route, but you should still go to make sure the baby is okay and there aren’t any concerns that could have been caught early.”
A new kind of panic blossomed in my chest. It was as if someone had just lit a flare gun and shot it in the darkness, which also happened to be my mind. How could I be so naïve? So stupid? I had only been thinking about myself, not the little bean, and because of that there could be something wrong, something I could have prevented.
“Hey…” Fatima put her hand on my knee, and I realized there were tears streaming down my face when she gently swiped one away. “It’s normal to be scared, and it’s normal to avoid specific things…trust me. You’re a good mom—look at all this stuff you’re registering for.”
I sniffed, peeking at the spread in front of us. I’d registered for nearly the entire baby department. My mother had said she’d help with anything, Charlie too. Even Mallory wanted to start spoiling the little bean, but no one knew what to get, so I said I would come in and register for a bunch of things. In the end it had just been Fatima telling me what I would need.
“I’ve been so selfish,” I croaked, swiping at new tears.
“You haven’t,” my new friend reassured me, “and these numbers on the box”—she pointed her finger at the numbers going from the letter N to one and so on until she hit the number four—“the different sizes I mentioned…you want to be prepared because these babies grow so fast and it’s good to have some on hand.”
I nodded, moving past my meltdown and rising off the floor.
“I’ll call the office and see if they can get me in as soon as tomorrow.”
“Good, that will change everything for you. And pick out a boy name and a girl name…or a gender-neutral one.”
I nodded, picking up the things we’d brought out to scan. I wanted to see everything so I knew what to get if I came on my own. Fatima had been sweet enough to accede to my demands.
“Here, text me a picture of your little one when you go, okay?” She handed me a small piece of paper, which forced a knot to form in my throat and a burning to singe the backs of my eyes.
“Okay, I will,” I whispered, not finding my voice. She smiled and sauntered away, likely not aware of how monumental it was that she’d given me her number or helped me today. I wanted to thank her, do something that would pay her back for all her help…but I knew if I flashed money at her, she’d back away and think I was trying to buy her friendship. I wasn’t; I just didn’t know how to be in a normal friendship without those things. Maybe Mal would know.
As I started out of the store, my mind still on Mal and a little bit on food, I nearly missed the two jackets darkening the space near my car. They lounged against the hood of the minivan opposite mine, their collars popped, sunglasses perched on their noses, covering their eyes, all while smoke billowed from their lit cigarettes.
This time I didn’t feel right about approaching or going to my car, and since they hadn’t looked up yet or noticed me, I slunk back inside and headed back toward the baby section where I knew I could sit and be out of anyone’s eyesight.
Once I was there, I tugged my cell free and swallowed my pride. Punching in Juan’s number, I waited for the call to connect, except it never did. I redialed him five times with no success and got no response to any of my text messages, so I waited.
I waited and waited. My fingers shook, and my heart throbbed as the hours passed. I was terrified to leave the store, and I had no idea if Fatima was still working. I had shot her a text asking if she was but got no response, so there was a chance she had other things to attend to, and I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I contemplated calling my stepdad, but I knew he was up in New York with Mallory and Decker at the moment.
I had no one, and the realization of that truly began to sink in for the first time ever. I wanted to melt, break, and shatter, but I had nowhere to do it. I had a feeling I’d be escorted out of the building in the custody of the police, which would be horrible because my father would see that as a sign of weakness, or an attempt to escape him, both of which would be addressed with reminders or l
essons.
Suddenly I heard the sound of thunder rumble softly outside the store and perked up at the chance that rain might accompany it.
Grabbing my bag and water bottle, I started back toward the front doors, only to see the two men making their way inside. Thankfully, I had eyes on them and was able to skirt around their entrance right as a larger family was exiting. I blended until I got to my car, where I crouched and gingerly crawled inside. Rain indeed was coming down in a massive downpour, thankfully covering my exodus from the parking lot.
“After this, we’re getting a massive SUV, little bean,” I muttered out loud, shutting the door. I waited for a blast of thunder to boom to start the car, and then I was pulling out of the lot as fast as lightning. If they saw me leave, I didn’t know. I just knew I had to go, get out, and get away. Instead of driving all the way to my stepdad’s and because I knew he wasn’t there to protect me, I ended up driving past the city.
The rain pelted my windshield as I drove down the road at dangerous speeds. My father had finally come for me, and it was sooner than my twenty-first birthday. I’d known it would happen, but still it felt like a jolt of lightning to my system.
How could I have been so stupid? Why hadn’t I run? Why had I just waited like a rabbit stuck in a trap for the hunter to come and gather me up? What had I done? Even now, I could run…I could drive and drive and never look back. The image of my sister’s face, devastated that she’d never see my daughter, and the gentle way Charlie’s eyes flickered with amusement when he looked at my mother, and…Juan…they all stopped me from keeping my foot on the pedal and my car going straight.
Instead I took a sharp turn at sixty miles per hour. The sign suggested thirty-five, but I had driven this road so many times I knew it like the back of my hand, even drenched in inches of rain.
Houses and buildings began to spread out, more and more sparse the further I got out of the city. I pushed down the gas pedal as anger surged forward, boiling my blood. This hate had simmered under the surface for years as I was forced to do things against my will, forced into this life I never asked for. Now I had this one light, this little gleaming hope, and he would steal it from me.
I couldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t.
Seeing the half-broken sign indicating that trespassers would get shot, I cranked the wheel to the right and pulled into the narrow drive, hidden by dense brush. The tail end of my Beamer jumped and swung but straightened after a few seconds. There was thick mud, but the road itself was mostly gravel, so I stayed straight.
Plowing down about a mile, I finally pulled under a large tree and put my car in park. The sky was dark, but there was enough light for me to do what I needed to. I tugged my collar up, zipped my coat, and pulled up my hood. Grabbing my phone and headphones, I popped the trunk and moved toward the back of the car.
I tugged out the pair of tall rain boots first, slipping off my shoes, then pulled the tall rubber up to my calves and set my shoes in the trunk. Shoving a dark blanket out of the way, I grasped a small black case. Unclipping the latches on either side, I pushed the top open, removed the foam from the top, and took a deep breath.
Black matte metal met me as my fingers wrapped around the handgun. Cradling it in my hand, I adjusted the adapter, twisting the suppressor in place. With me being in my third trimester, I had to be careful with extra noise that might hurt my baby’s hearing, so I had purchased a way to silence the gunfire a while ago, knowing if I wanted to shoot during this time, I’d need it.
The rain finally dissipated, leaving behind a wispy fog. I hadn’t been out to this spot in months, and now, with a much larger stomach, the hike was trying.
Finally making it to the clearing, I checked on my targets.
They seemed to be intact, a little warped and faded, but the circles and coloring were still there. Walking toward the middle of the clearing, I faced a large hill. At the base were my marks, each nailed to a piece of plywood, tilted to stay in place.
I stood in the middle, digging a scratch in the mud. Pulling my earbuds out, I set up my playlist and increased my phone volume then swiped until it was on airplane mode. My fingers flexed, twisting the gun to prep it. First, I pulled the clip out and made sure it was full, then I slammed it back into place and pulled the hammer back until it was ready to go.
Lining up the sight on my gun, keeping both eyes open, I aimed for the center first. Just as the haunting sounds of “Save My Love” rocked through me, I readied my stance and began to shoot.
Wood splintered as the bullets slammed into the colored circles, a few going wide at first, as expected. The small sounds coming from the extra barrel on the gun were still mostly blocked by the music, but the ripple going up my arm always seemed to make a sound. It was always as though I was back in that room as a little girl, my tiny fingers wrapped around the trigger.
I continued on, moving over to the furthest target until I hit the center. I did the same with the far-right board, squeezing the trigger in quick succession until I was nailing the center over and over. Moving to the left, I began to aim at the third target stand, then a flash of something dark darted in front of the stapled paper.
My breath caught as the bullet released from the gun and the dark object that had swooped down at the wrong second fluttered to the ground. I lowered my gun and tugged out my earbuds, my breaths suddenly echoing loud in the silence. My feet were frozen as my eyes roamed the ground, falling on the brown lump near the three stands.
“Oh my god,” I murmured to myself, wishing so badly someone else was with me so I didn’t have to see the animal alone. Not again. I never wanted to do this again.
Tucking the headphones into my jacket pocket, I slowly began to walk toward the fallen animal. My heart thrashed in my chest like a rogue flame consuming a forest.
What had I done?
My knees bent as my free hand came out to cradle the bleeding creature. Bloody feathers caked my hand as I inspected the bird. He had a razor-sharp beak, a long neck, and large, golden eyes. He looked like one of the falcons I had seen at the zoo once, his talons massive and powerful.
“Why did you fly in front of me?” I blubbered, tears streaming down my face.
Once again, I’d gone back there to that room, staring at what my father had done.
“Papa, please don’t make me do this,” I begged.
“Shhh, enough now, Aurelia…this is a lesson. We need those in life sometimes. My hand will cover yours, so you know what to do,” he whispered in my ear as his large arm came around me.
“I don’t want to do this.” I eyed the dark wolf pup stranded in the center of the room. Around his neck was a rope, keeping him locked in place.
“You will do this. You are my daughter, and you won’t argue with me,” my father snapped, forcing my hand up, my tiny finger to the trigger. “Now, Aurelia. Pull back,” he ordered.
“I can’t,” I cried, tears lining my eyes, making it impossible to see.
“You will, and for defying me, you will stay in here with the creature once you’ve killed it.” His finger ghosted over mine, adding pressure, until a loud boom filled my ears. Seconds passed while the overhead lights flickered in and out. The room we were in was used for things I didn’t want to know about. The floor was stained red, and most of the walls too.
Our hands lowered, and all that was left was the puppy, bleeding out in the center of the room.
“You have excellent aim, értékes.”
My father walked out of the room and locked me in, but not before turning off the lights.
I sniffed as rain began to pour in buckets across my back and neck and through my hair. Ensuring the safety on the gun was flicked on, I put it in my jacket pocket and tried to pick up the bird. Maybe I could save him; I knew there were rehabilitation centers for birds who had broken wings and had been hit by cars. Hope fluttered in my chest, but just as fast, it left when the bird’s chest stopped moving.
“No. Please,” I begged with a small cr
y.
I was still that girl who murdered innocent animals.
I carried the bird to where the trees met the hill and buried him under three large rocks. Sobs racked my chest as I did it. At least with this animal, I was able to bury it. With all the others, I was never given the chance.
I partially hated myself for needing this stupid outlet of mine. Long ago, I had wanted to learn how to use a gun to protect myself and not be afraid of them. For so many years, I was afraid because of what my father had forced me to do, but now I just wanted the choice, the freedom to make my own decisions. I had come out here because of my fear, but also because of how I had handled the ultrasound situation, how I had lied to Juan about Holden. Somehow, I knew it must have felt like a slap to his face to tell him I had Holden. Even if Juan didn’t have feelings for me, he was very protective of me.
Swiping the tears from my face with the back of my jacket sleeve, I turned and headed back toward my car.
I was wrapped in a fluffy robe, standing in a dimly lit kitchen when the front door finally opened, and Juan walked in. He was soaked to the bone, his shirt stuck to his chest, and his hair was slicked back, revealing his dim eyes. He drew closer, which revealed dark circles under his eyes, making me pause. Had he not been sleeping?
After I was done walking around the clearing, I had trekked back to the car and driven home in the dark. Once I’d pulled into the driveway, I realized Juan wasn’t home, but once I had taken my phone off airplane mode, there were about thirty-five missed calls from him.
