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Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Why Can't I Be Here?
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ALSO BY CLAUDIA SILVA
Why Can’t I Be Here?
Claudia Silva
Copyright © 2018 Claudia Silva
All rights reserved.
To belonging.
Why Can't I Be Here?
She was probably in her mid-twenties, although it was difficult to say. At noon, new to the neighborhood and walking casually down the block, she reached an old house; it looked abandoned and devoid of life. She knew it wasn’t.
She walked quietly, not wanting to draw too much attention to herself, although it seemed everybody who walked near her had to turn their eyes to stare at her. This made her uncomfortable in an unspeakable way.
She did not know it, but they all knew about The House. She did not know it, but only a few had actually ventured as far as knocking on the door. None were ever invited in. None had ever entered the private circle of people who inhabited the mysterious place. It seemed now they wanted to see if she would.
Her goal, in her pretty blue dress and golden long hair, was indeed to knock on the door. Perhaps if she had known the history of the house she wouldn’t have gone, but she didn’t know… and so she knocked.
What happened next was unavoidable.
The girl without fear, who they knew was named Kerri, waited outside the house for someone to open the door. The neighbors stopped everything they were doing to watch her wait. For some reason, no one doubted the door would open for her. And so they watched and waited until finally, the door opened.
When it did, a girl just as young as Kerri was, appeared from the shady darkness inside. By her appearance, Kerri thought it was as if she had just woken up from the longest slumber. The girl rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands as she spoke to the new visitor who waited patiently to be welcomed in.
“Hi,” was her only word. Kerri smiled at her and studying the one who stood in front of her, noticed how beautiful she looked. Not common beauty, no. Very fragile and delicate were her features, her skin very white and pale. Both her long hair and big eyes were a shiny black. If she was older or younger than her, no one was able to tell.
“I am looking for…” Kerri began. She looked inside her own head trying to remember a name. Someone. Someone she was meant to meet at this place, but who?
“I know,” the young voice in a woman’s body told her. “You’ve come to see them.” Them. Not just one, but many? Kerri frowned as she tried to make sense of it all. That’s when the fragile and pale girl said, “I know who you are.” She had the voice of a child. Soft and thin, nothing at all like you would expect. The girl without a name asked a question next: “What are you calling yourself today?”
It was an odd manner of asking for a name, Kerri though, but decided to ignore that fact and instead, answered the question as she knew she should.
“Kerri.”
“Good. I like it. It’s pretty.” For the first time, there was a hint of a smile on the young pale face who still hesitated to invite her in the house. “I’m Gaby, by the way, come on in.”
Inside, amongst the few pieces of furniture that Kerri could see, about a dozen people slept on the wooden floor. They had fallen asleep everywhere. Some on the sofa, some on a chair. Some slept in sleeping bags or blankets, some barely had any clothes on. Around them, all the curtains were drawn and thick to keep the sun away from their restful place.
Kerri noticed an empty space, deciding it was surely where Gaby had slept before the knock on the door had woken her up.
“This way,” her host interrupted her observations to guide her to one of the rooms down the only hall visible from the living room area. Opening the first door, Gaby moved out of the way, her finger pointing to a small room that housed only a single bed. The bed had a simple white blanket on top. And a pillow. “You can sleep here.”
Kerri went into this room. The drapes were just as thick as the ones in the living room, except these were brown instead of navy blue, and they covered the space from the sun rays almost to perfection. Regardless, the sliver of sun that did manage to slither in was enough to light the room for her to see where she was going.
She sat on the bed, feeling the soft blankets on her palms. It was then that she suddenly remembered why she was there.
“When will he be back?”
“Him? I suppose you mean Brian,” Gaby said.
“Yes. Brian.” Although she could not really be sure he was the one she had come looking for. For some reason, she couldn’t remember his name. Nor his face. It was more like a feeling she had; a feeling this was the place to be to wait for him.
“Forgive me, but I thought you knew,” Gaby started again, confusion in her voice. “I thought you remembered as much, but I guess you don’t. There are rules. I also suppose you will remember them soon enough.” Kerri simply stared at her, puzzled. Then, “They will all be here after sunset. They always are. That’s how it needs to be.”
“Oh, that’s right,” she lied; she had no idea what this girl-like woman was talking about, until suddenly… she just knew.
Their voices woke her up. Her eyes popped open and she sat up so fast she felt dizzy. That’s when she heard her name. It was loud and clear. He had spoken it in a mix of surprise and delight. It was Brian, it had to be. The one she had come so far to see.
“Kerri?” he called once again. Seconds later, his steps became louder as he neared her room. The door opened and she saw him as if she were looking at his features for the first time, “Is that really you?”
Cocking her head to one side, Kerri narrowed her eyes as she studied the one she had come here to see. She saw his green eyes and his dark brown hair. She saw his squared jaw and small ears. She moved her eyes down his broad shoulders to his bare feet. She said, “I almost forgot about you,” but she now remembered, somehow, that it was also part of the rules. It was essential that every time she forgot who he was.
None of that mattered. Not when he ran to take her in his arms. Not when he lifted her and kissed her and held her tight as if he didn’t plan to let her go.
“It has been too long, hasn’t it?” Brian whispered between kisses. He then put her down, she couldn’t get rid of her smile; neither could he. Brian announced, “We need to celebrate!”
Kerri felt happy and excited, but also a bit confused. She could not remember when the last time she had seen Brian had been. In fact, she could not remember seeing his face at all in the past nor why he was so familiar to her. Had she met him before? But it was him. She knew him. Slowly, it was all becoming clearer.
Brian left her arms and, poking his head out of the room, he called for the rest. One by one they came. Each a copy of the other with minor differences that set them apart. Same eyes, same hair, same strong build. They were brothers, she was sure. They had to be. They all resembled each other. She waited for each of them to greet her and kiss her. She received their smiles with her own and paid attention to all of their names. Names she was supposed to remember, she was sure.
Soon, those who had been sleeping in the living room when she had arrived began to wake up. In the background, music started, the chatter grew louder. In less than a minute a plastic cup with an unknown green liquid was in her hand. The party had begun.
She walked out of her room to walk among people singing, dancing, drinking, eating… celebrating! Celebrating her? After a while she found herself standing in the middle of the living room
taking it all in, until… until she saw her. Gaby. Gaby was not singing, dancing, drinking or eating. She wasn’t celebrating. On the contrary. She stood there watching her. Watching Kerri. Her arms limp by her sides, her long black hair frozen.
Kerri felt Gaby’s eyes on her. Her face expressionless. She was like a ghost, haunting her. When Kerri couldn’t take it anymore, she began to look for Brian again. Brian would protect her. He would protect her from the woman with the voice of a child.
In the background, the party didn’t stop.
Kerri woke up with the sun’s warm touch. The drapes now completely open. The warm room gave her comfort. She enjoyed the heat on her skin, the peace of a now silent room. Slowly, she woke up completely. Standing up she walked to look out the window. All she could see was the backyard, its grass unkempt, the fence half broken. To one side, she could see one of the neighbors staring at her from his own window. Another neighbor looked from hers.
They were watching her.
It was then that she felt a presence behind her.
“Sleep well?” It was Gaby. Startled, Kerri turned to meet her face. The girl stood by the door, one hand on the wall. Her expression just like the day before. Blank. Vacant.
“What time is it?” Kerri asked without hesitation.
“Time? We don’t count time here. We don’t need to. We just sleep when the sun comes and wake when it leaves. That’s when they come and that’s why we’re here. It’s our reason for living.”
“That can’t be why you’re here?” Kerri questioned. “I don’t understand.” No. She had another question. A more important question. “Why must they leave?”
Gaby curled her lips into a smile and said, “I can imagine why you choose not to remember. Unless you pretend.”
“I’m not pretending and I am not choosing to forget anything.” Kerri raised her voice. She asked again, “Where did they go? Tell me! Why?”
Gaby rolled her eyes. “Listen, I’m going to go to bed. Brian himself asked me to take care of you, but I don’t think you need a babysitter. So, feel free to wander around the house all you want. I also suggest you sleep - if you even need sleep. Either way, we’ll see you tonight.”
“Why tonight?” But Gaby would not answer the question. “What if I leave?” It felt like a forbidden question to her.
“You are not a prisoner here. I’m sure Brian and the others will be disappointed if you are not here by the time they get back, although maybe it would be for the best,” she added. “I would be back before dusk if I were you. Unless,” she prompted, “unless you finally learn not to return.”
Kerri didn’t know what to reply to that. Gaby simply walked out of the room leaving her with more questions than answers.
Kerri started down the street and away from The House as soon as she made sure Gaby’s breathing had slowed down to signal she was asleep.
Deciding she was hungry, she started looking for a place to eat. She had found money inside a dresser’s drawer next to the front door. She didn’t know a lot, but she knew what money was and how to use it. Taking a couple of bills, she folded them keeping them in a closed fist since her dress didn’t have any pockets.
It took her about half an hour of walking in the same direction to find a place where they sold food. The diner was small and looked old, but the smell of bacon and eggs, combined with the scent of fresh-brewed coffee, attracted her like a magnet.
She finished her breakfast, all the time ignoring the prying eyes of a man sitting at the bar. As much as she pretended to ignore him, she knew she would have to confront him sooner than later.
It turned out just by making eye contact the stranger thought she was ready to have a conversation. Kerri tensed when the man began to approach her.
“You entered The House, didn’t you?” he asked, his voice sounded almost crazy, desperate. “I saw you. Yesterday. You spent the night.”
“The House?” She knew what he was talking about, but asked anyway.
“Yes,” the man continued, annoyed at her pretend ignorance. “I saw you knocking yesterday…and when the door opened they let you in.”
Not fully understanding why this seemed to be so important, she tried to pay little attention to the man’s interest. “Yes, that’s right.”
The stranger, who had been standing a few feet from her table keeping his distance, finished crossing the dinner to sit across from her. Kerri felt anxious at the clear violation of privacy. “So? Tell me. What’s inside?”
Afraid of angering the crazed man and troubled by the nature of the questioning, Kerri tried to act relaxed when she asked what was so special about The House.
“It has been around for years,” the man started. “Years, like, ever since this town was founded. That’s how old it is.” Even when Kerri was impressed, she wasn’t that impressed. The man, after seeing her lack of enthusiasm, continued, “What’s weird is people who live here knock on that door and no one is let in.”
“Many people live there,” Kerri felt the need to tell him, suddenly.
With interest, the man leaned on the table. “Do they?”
“Yes.” She didn’t understand exactly what she was trying to explain. It was just a house. The only weird thing about it was how everyone slept in the one room. All day. Apart from that, it was just a house.
Taking advantage of her openness, the man continued, “Then, there’re the cloaked guys.” Kerri knew exactly who he meant. “They go out all together every day before dawn and then they come back after sunset.” The man breached her space even further as he kept leaning over the table to say, “Isn’t that peculiar?”
“Maybe they go to work.”
Hearing that answer disappointed the man. Leaning back, he took a deep breath as if that could stop him from losing his temper. “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “They do it every day. Every. Single. Day.”
Kerri lost eye contact. “Okay.”
“So, why were you let in that house?” the stranger stressed again.
Why? The truth was Kerri didn’t know. She had no idea why she had arrived at that particular town in the first place. She had even less idea why she had gone to that house. She just… got there. That’s all. She now realized she had no idea where she had come from. She just… didn’t know. “Well, I knocked, the door opened and…”
“But, why did they let you in? They don’t let anyone in…” His hands had begun to tremble.
“I-I don’t know.”
The man now rubbed his hair in frustration, making it stand up everywhere after he was done.
“Who are you?” he asked with both hands turned into fists on the table, there was desperation in his voice now.
“My name is Kerri,” she answered quickly, “and I came because I wanted to visit a friend and…”
“A friend? You mean one of the six men in cloaks is your friend?”
“… I just came and—” She was so confused. She didn’t even know why she was still listening to the lunatic who had invaded her table. More than anything, she was ready to leave. She looked around for a waiter, but it seemed every living being had left her alone with this stranger.
The man calmed down, as if realizing he was looking as crazy as he sounded. “Could you tell me what’s inside?” He sounded almost hopeful as he forced a smile.
Kerri shrugged. “It’s just a house.” That was the truth. There wasn’t anything extraordinary about it. Not that she could think of. “I need to go.” The diner looked otherwise empty now, so she left a bill near the cashier and stepped out.
For a moment she thought the man would stop her. Instead, he simply sat there watching her leave as if something in him had shut down. As if he had lost all hope.
Thoughtfully, she began walking back in the direction of the house. She didn’t even dare take a glance at the diner where she had left the strange man. She walked in silence, the whole time going over the conversation she had just had.
“Why am I here?” she asked herself out
loud. Then she tried to remember her past. She tried to remember where she had come from, who she really was. Finally, she reached the end of the road. Across the street was The House, but if she kept going, she would reach a park.
She did not want to go back to The House. Not yet. The House was only there for her to see him. In her mind, that was The House’s only reason for existing. The park, on the other hand, meant freedom. She felt at ease just by stepping on the cool grass with her bare feet. She felt at home sitting down with her back to a tree, the chirp of birds, the climbing of squirrels, the rustle of leaves. This was where she wanted to be. She would be a part of nature only until he came back, because she would go see him again. That’s why she had come all the way to this town, all the way to that house.
Kerri sat there thinking. Thinking about her past; a past she could not clearly see. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she remember what had been? Why had Gaby said she always chose to forget? How can someone willingly choose to forget?
The minutes passed. Then they became hours. Soon, the sun reached the middle of the sky. Kerri closed her eyes just for a moment to rest and when she opened them up again, the sun could barely be seen on the horizon. Dusk. Night was coming and with it, so was he. It was time.
Her fist stopped a few inches from the door and she tried to open it without knocking. There was no need to knock, the door was unlocked. She didn’t really expect them to keep her outside. On the contrary, she understood how important she was even if she didn’t quite know why.
There was a low humming in the room as everybody waited in silence. Brian, who Kerri could tell had been walking from one side of the living room to the other, stopped abruptly as she appeared under the door’s frame.
“Kerri!” He most definitely sounded worried, but at no time did she feel he would scold her for not being there when he had arrived. On the contrary, he held her and kissed her; behind him, the house came back to life with chatter again. “Did you have a nice day today?” he asked when he finally put enough distance between them to ask the question.
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