Zara Stoneley

by Love Is a Four Letter Word

  “Settle?” He laughed, rich and deep, his body reverberating against hers. “You and me might be as different as night and day darling, but the one thing we’ve got in common is we’re never going to say ‘I do’.”

  She felt sick, a real deep down desperation. She had to tell him, explain what was really bothering her, the real reason for running out of the party, but she couldn’t. Telling him would complicate everything even more than the stupid patch of grass was doing. Even if at the back of her mind there’d been that slight wavering doubt, that feeling maybe she could stop one day. Be with one person. By happy. But that man wasn’t Jake. And it wasn’t a real feeling, it was stupid hormones.

  “Maybe it’s the gypsy blood, the need to keep moving. What’s your excuse?” His hand was warm against her leg.

  “I’m just better on my own.” She covered it with her own, suddenly feeling too drained to do anything. Suddenly needing to be on her own, the lust slipping right off the radar. “You’re right. I am tired. Maybe we should call it a day.”

  “Sure.” He was up before she could say another word. “I’ll let myself out, you get some sleep.”

  This wasn’t how the evening should end. She wanted to call him back, tell him she was scared, tell him she had a decision to make but she didn’t even know where to start. She had to bloody tell him.

  “Thanks for coming with me tonight.”

  He raised a hand. “It was an interesting experience.”

  “Not the word I normally use.”

  “Carol wasn’t quite what I expected.” It was the non-judgemental tone that did it. Gave her an out.

  “I don’t think she’s had an easy time with me, has she?”

  “Has anyone?” He laughed.

  Maybe Carol just wanted everything for her that she’d always craved for herself. Stable home, everyone being nice to each other, steady type of job that’s suitable for a girl, and a nice husband to provide. But Georgie had wanted something far different. And been far too stubborn to meet her half way, to try and understand.

  “You were upset and hurting, Georgie.” He ruffled her hair. “Kids and parents sometimes live on different planets.”

  Yeah, but I’m not a kid any longer. She could see that now. “We’re totally different people.”

  “You are, and it doesn’t make either of you bad. Night, Georgina.”

  He took a step towards the door, and she wanted to shout come back, but she couldn’t. What would she say anyway? Stay, I need you, let’s talk babies.

  “Jake. I want to—”

  “You don’t need to explain anything. You’re right, let’s call it a day.”

  “I didn’t mean…” I don’t want to call it a day. I want you to stay. I need to tell you something.

  Chapter Nine

  “You sure you’re up to this?” Jake was holding the reins of a horse and giving her a strange look.

  “I’m fine. Come on, let’s get on with it.”

  “You look shit.”

  “Thanks for that, it’s made me feel much better.” She’d spent all night awake, trying not to think about Jake, trying to work out how to sort out the mess she’d created. He’d lost more than she had, back then when they were on the cusp of growing up. She’d lost her mum, but her dad had still been there. She could see that, even if he’d turned into a man she hardly knew. But he was there, she had someone. And she’d had Carol, except she’d done her damnedest to chase her away, to blame her for everything.

  Jake had been left with nothing, and Rowena had been the one who’d believed in him. Given him a chance. Let him do what he was good at.

  Until she’d walked in like some spoiled kid and demanded the toys.

  She knew she looked crap, she hadn’t even needed a mirror to tell her that. Let alone Jake.

  But she couldn’t tell him about the baby. Not yet. She would do, once she’d worked out how to stop the feeling that she was going to burst into tears. That just had to be the hormones. She didn’t do tears, at least not because of the look on a man’s face. She’d felt closer to him last night than she had with anyone in a long time, even though she hardly knew him. For a brief moment it had been kittens and rainbows, a scary scene of domesticity. Then real life had stuck its oar in. They were totally different. No way did he ever want to settle. This was all about lust and a tenuous shared past.

  She could do something for him though. And she would. She’d knock her crazy dream on the head, tell him calmly what the problem was, then come up with a plan B, or C, or whatever she’d now got up to. Yeah, she’d explain. Sure she would. Soon.

  “Earth to Georgie.”

  “Sorry, just felt a bit dizzy.”

  “We’re not doing this.”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  “One buck and you’ll be in the dirt. Look,” he had his hands on her shoulders, steady eyes gazing straight to her soul. And just like that, she knew. She’d got it worse than she’d imagined. It wasn’t just the shock of the whole pregnancy thing, she’d been falling for him. Falling for a man who was totally allergic to anything that looked like stability, a man who thought she was a spoiled brat. “You don’t have to prove anything here.”

  Oh yeah, sure.

  “You look rough so we’ll do it tomorrow.”

  “I’m fine. Can we just get on with it, please?”

  “And have you puke all over the saddle I just cleaned?”

  “Ah, it’s the saddle you’re bothered about, not me.”

  “Too true.” But he was still staring at her. She glanced down.

  “I didn’t sleep with him, you know.”

  “Whoa, where did that come from?”

  She shrugged. “I just wanted you to know, and the thing with Sly was a five minute wonder, for what it’s worth.” She was babbling, but she just wanted him to see something good in her. Realise, before it ended, that she wasn’t what he thought.

  “Georgina.” His hand was on her chin and she wanted to brush against it like a fawning cat, feel his warmth. Instead she froze. Safer. Less chance of looking an idiot. “That guy was right last night, you deserve someone a lot better than me.” The words were soft, but every one hit her like a splinter of shrapnel. “I’m a bit of rough for you, and you’re too posh for me.”

  “At least you didn’t say posh totty.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “You’re not—”

  “My dad made one big mistake, trying to be someone he wasn’t. And I’m not going to do the same.” Which pretty much made that clear. And he was right. So right. She just fancied him, she didn’t want him. “I’m not a loser, but I’m not a lot of other things either.”

  “Are you going to give me a leg up on this horse or not?”

  “Not.”

  “Fine. I’ll go then if I’m not wanted.”

  “Sure.” He had already stepped away, was walking off, leading the horse with him. Which put her firmly in her place. He paused, turned and studied her, moss green eyes soft with something she couldn’t quite fathom out. “Come back in a couple of hours if you feel up to it.”

  God, she felt like a begging dog being thrown crumbs. Disappointment had been clawing at her stomach one second, followed by a surge of relief the next. Or maybe that was just the early morning coffee that no longer seemed to agree with her.

  “Jake?” He paused, but didn’t turn to look at her. “Did you talk to Rowena, you know about…?”

  “I did.” His voice was soft, steady.

  So, he’d made his bid, just like she had. Was waiting for judgement day. Just like she’d been. Until she’d found out about the baby. And suddenly life had shifted on its axis, turned right into wrong, important into trivial. “You really care about this place don’t you?”

  “I care about Rowena, she was there for me. She’s the only person who’s been there for me.” The horse rubbed her head along his shoulder, but he didn’t flinch.

  “Do you hate me for barging into your life?”
<
br />   He did look at her then. “I don’t hate you, Georgina.” The soft voice crept along her body, under her skin, tugged at something inside her and she felt like crying. Kicking and screaming like some kid that it wasn’t fair.

  “I really missed this place, you know.”

  “Did you miss the place, or the way things were?”

  She rolled the lining of her jeans pocket between thumb and forefinger. “I miss,” she missed her dad, her horse, she missed all the perfect little things that had made up her life. “I miss the life I might have had.”

  “You can make a different one, Georgie. We’re all here to make our own lives.”

  “That’s what I was trying to do.” Hot tears burned her eyes, threatened to spill. She bit down in her bottom lip, waited for the feelings to go.

  “And you don’t have to lie to me about that man. He’s your business.”

  “I haven’t lied to you.”

  “Don’t take me for a fool, Georgie. Call it a partnership, business, whatever you like, but don’t try and pull the wool over my eyes.”

  “I’m not, honestly.”

  “Look, you promised not to bring him here again and I turn my back for one minute and the pair of you are sneaking about.”

  “I—”

  “The day of the party? I mean, how can you think, in this place I wouldn’t find out?”

  “He needed to check a few things, and I thought—”

  “Let’s face it, you didn’t think.”

  “I’m sorry, honestly. He wasn’t here for long.”

  “Long enough for your mates at the party to know about it.”

  “Is that what you’re bothered about?”

  “I’m bothered about you, Georgie. Not them. And all the furtive calls and texts, do you think I’m stupid?”

  “I didn’t want to upset you.” And she hadn’t. But she’d needed to talk to Sly, to sort things out. He’d been enthusiastic, and without him she couldn’t make it work. Except now maybe it didn’t matter. “I’m sorry, Jake. I wasn’t being sneaky, but I know you don’t like him and it just seemed easier…”

  His unsmiling face studied her, and she hadn’t got a clue what was going through his head. Then he clicked at the horse, stepped away. She stared at his back as he headed for the stables, then as soon as she was sure he was out of sight she clambered over the fence and headed over towards Rowena’s cottage.

  ***

  “I don’t want you to tell me why.” Rowena handed her a mug of what looked like dirty dish water but smelled of a garden in summertime and settled herself into the armchair opposite. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. She took a sip of the hot liquid and felt relief as it headed straight down her throat with no sign of a u-turn. “But just be sure you know the real reason before you talk to him.”

  “I do, I—”

  She held a hand up, then indicated the cup. “Drink up, it’ll make you feel better.”

  Georgie cringed inwardly at the assessing look that was directed her way. “I feel—”

  “Fine? Yes, I’m sure you do. Now, dear,” Rowena retreated further into the old armchair which seemed to be engulfing her like an old hairy blanket. “Tell me about your father and the party.”

  Georgie stared, she could have sworn the older woman’s eyes were shining with what looked like devilment. Nope, she had to be losing it. Seriously. Maybe there was more than herbal tea in this cup. She looked down at it suspiciously.

  “What did he have to say about you taking Jake?”

  “Jake?”

  “You did take him along to the party, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t want to go on my own.”

  Rowena chuckled. “I’d be more than happy to have Jake with me if I was twenty years younger.”

  Forty more like, she bit back the retort and wondered where this was going.

  “He always was a bit of a character, even as a child, had his father’s sense of adventure and his mother’s gentle touch. They were such a lovely couple, devoted, so sad. Ah well, I suppose you’ll want to get off then?”

  Georgie stared. No, getting off hadn’t been at the forefront of her mind, but it seemed it had just been promoted to pole position. She’d been hoping her idea would be welcomed with open arms, that her generous gesture would be appreciated for what it was. Instead she felt like she was being given the brush off.

  “I can’t tell you what to do child.” It was like she’d read her mind. Georgie put the cup down with an abrupt clatter and stood up. “But sometimes the obvious way out isn’t the right way.”

  “I thought you’d be pleased, it’s what you want isn’t it?”

  “This isn’t about me, Georgina. I’m sure you mean well, but try seeing it from the other side of the fence.”

  “Well it’s what he wants.”

  “Do you know that? Have you asked him?”

  Just what she needed, wacky tea and cryptic comments. Here she was, about to make a sacrifice and she was being preached at, and she couldn’t understand a bloody word of it.

  “You imagine how you’d feel if the boot was on the other foot. Don’t rush it dear, that’s all I’m saying. Oh, now look at the time, aren’t you supposed to be helping Jake with that horse of his before it goes dark?”

  “Have you been watching us?” That was all she needed right now.

  Rowena grinned. “I keep an eye on the place.”

  Brilliant. Now she had to work out a list of places not to jump him. Not that she’d ever get the chance to do it again the way things were going.

  “You look after yourself dear, give Jake my love and tell him I’ll see him tomorrow.”

  Look after herself, what kind of a thing was that to say? Her hand went instinctively to her stomach and out of the corner of her eye she saw a look that could have been smug satisfaction on the older woman’s face. Great. Everyone knew. Apart from Jake.

  She went back the long way round. All the way down the long driveway until it met the lane, a few steps to the right, then through the next gateway and all the way up a very similar driveway until she was back at Jake’s barn. He wasn’t with the mare. She tracked him down, which wasn’t hard all she had to do was follow the whistle, to an empty loosebox where he was fiddling with his motorbike.

  “Are we working the mare?”

  “Not today.” He glanced up, half smiled, the curls on his forehead damp with perspiration. Curls she wanted to reach out and touch. He was in his leathers, dark and deadly. While she’d been sipping hallucinogenic tea he’d obviously taken the bike out.

  “You’ve been out.”

  “I needed to think.”

  “Oh?”

  “So.” He stopped fiddling and looked at her. “What did you want to talk about?”

  “Who said I came here to talk?”

  “You’re twitching like a horse at the starting gate. Better out than in as they say.”

  Oh, if only he knew. She tipped a bucket over, perched on the edge of it.

  “I’ve been thinking too. It’s just, I thought.” She crossed her arms, stared at the dirt floor and took a deep breath. And she told him. Just like that. About the new plan, Plan B, before she had a chance to think it over, change her mind.

  Silence. Nothing. Not even the sound of his breathing or the cough of a horse. So she had to look up.

  Jake stared at her, then stared some more. And she could see the chasm between them open up, a gulf so deep that no would dare try and jump over. “No.”

  “Don’t just say no like that, think about it, listen to me.”

  “I don’t want to listen, Georgina. I’m done with listening.”

  “But I want you to have it.” She’d been thinking about it all night, about what she was going to do to sort the whole mess. And there was only one answer. She’d buy the land, and give it to Jake. For a brief nanosecond she’d thought maybe they could do this together, then she’d realised she was being stupid. There was no together. He’d made that more than
clear this morning. Which had only left one option.

  “No, I’m sorry, you can’t buy me like that.”

  “I’m not trying to buy you.”

  “I don’t want charity, and I’m not taking this from you.”

  Georgie stared and every answer she’d had prepared in her head shot out. It had been bad when her mother had walked out on her, hurt when she’d realised she had no place in Alfie and Carol’s life. And now he was kicking her in the teeth. This land had been the one thing she had that she could give him. Her sacrifice, and he was throwing it straight back in her face. “It’s not like that.”

  “Well, what is it like then? What are you, Lady Bountiful bestowing gifts? You’ve done a deal with Rowena, then fine. Keep the fucking land and let me run my life my own way.”

  “I haven’t done a deal, it wasn’t like that. I wouldn’t do that to you. But you can’t afford it, and I can.”

  He stood up abruptly, took a step close, over that chasm. He squatted down and she flinched, but when he raised his hands to her face his touch was so gentle it sent a shiver over her skin. Those deep forest eyes were staring straight into hers. “You can’t keep me here that way, Georgie. I’ll only stay if I want to.”

  “I’m not trying to keep you here. I’m going, leaving. If it was about tying you down I’d—” The words froze on her tongue.

  “What? Seduce me?” The tip of his mouth was curled in the cruel semblance of the smile she so wanted to see before she went. “Before you bugger off?”

  “I’d tell you I was pregnant.”

  Chapter Ten

  Now she did feel sick. Really sick and it was nothing to do with the unbalanced hormones which had been sending her haywire the last few days. She hadn’t meant to say that at all. That was later. When everything was sorted. Just before she left.

  “You’re pregnant?” He was on his feet, the angry clatter of his feet against a bucket. His voice so low and incredulous that she could have imagined the gentle tone it had replaced.

  She nodded.

  “And you’re leaving?”