Zara Stoneley

by Love Is a Four Letter Word

  I know I should have told you before, it’s yours. Not Sly’s. I’m going away, but not with him. Don’t worry, I don’t want anything from you. I’ll be fine G x’

  He read it again. Twice. Then ripped it into four pieces and watched as it floated slowly down to the ground.

  Then he bent down and collected the pieces and put them back together again. Who the hell did she think she was? Walking in, turning his life upside down and then just waltzing away as though nothing had happened? And did ‘it’s yours’ mean what he thought it did?

  Chapter Eleven

  “Do you think he hates me?”

  “Probably.” Ella squished the mint leaves against the edge of the glass, then stopped at the almost animal-like moan of pain that had jumped from Georgie. “Kidding, honestly.” She peered over the top of the glass which was en-route to her mouth. “You’re serious about him aren’t you?” She put the glass down and stared. “You are. Don’t even try and deny it. Shit, I never thought…” She turned her concentration back to the mojito for a moment. “Are you sure you’re really suited, I mean…”

  “No, we’re not. And he hates me anyway now.”

  “You’ve not heard from him then?”

  “Nope.” Georgie shook her head and tried not to think about how stupid it had been leaving that silly note. “I’m a dork.” She buried her head in her hands, then looked up through her fingers at Ella. “I should have just told him instead of wimping out like that.”

  “I thought you said he wouldn’t listen.”

  “I could have made him. I mean if I’d sat down and refused to move he would have had to listen.” Or he might have just thrown me over his shoulder, then over the gate.

  “So what are you going to do about it, now, you know.”

  “Now I’m not pregnant you mean?”

  “Yeah, shouldn’t you tell him? Do you want another one?” Ella had drained the tall glass and Georgie had hardly taken a sip of hers. “I think I’ll get you one anyway, this is going to be a long night.” The other girl winked at her, picked up her own empty glass and headed for the bar.

  Georgie leaned back with a sigh. She should have been happy, but she felt strangely empty. Exactly on cue, the day after leaving the note for Jake, her period had started. And although it was good, the best thing that could have happened, she had burst into horrible spontaneous tears and babbling incoherently had rung Ella. Who didn’t understand a word, especially as she hadn’t even known Georgie had thought she was ‘with child’ as Ella coyly put it.

  And now she wasn’t with child, and probably never had been. So much for all the knowing looks from Carol and Rowena.

  “Maybe they just thought you looked peaky.” Ella dumped the glasses down abruptly on the table, sending a splosh of sugary cocktail onto the table and breaking into her thoughts. “Carol and that other woman, whatever her name is. They might have just thought you looked a bit off and you jumped to conclusions because you were paranoid.” She patted Georgie’s hand to take the sting of the words away.

  Yeah, she’d jumped to conclusions. “But I was so late and I’m never ever late.”

  “Probably all that extra exercise you’ve been getting.” Ella’s tone was dry. “All the bareback riding. Buggered up your body, doesn’t know whether it’s coming or coming.” She giggled at her own joke.

  “You’re being crude, anyhow now it looks like it’s going, going, gone.”

  “Yup, I am being crude and you’re being defeatist. Drink up. We’ve got evil plans to hatch.”

  “Maybe I should just leave it.”

  “Oh no, girl. One, there is no way you can leave him thinking he’s gonna be a daddy, and you know it. And two.”

  “Two?”

  “Well if you don’t want him you could at least have the decency to introduce him properly to me.”

  “Ella!”

  “Waste not want not, and talking of which drink that mojito before the mint starts growing.”

  Georgie sipped hard through the straw and let the icy liquid fill her mouth, drift down her throat. “He really doesn’t want to get involved with anyone.”

  “So? When did that make any difference?”

  “We’re totally unsuited,” she took another sip, then decided to ditch the straw, “apart from in the sack.”

  “And with the horse stuff.”

  “I suppose.”

  “And he makes you laugh, and chases off the money grabbing jerks that follow you around. And you go all doe eyed when he’s around.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Limp and pathetic?”

  “Sod off.”

  “Soggy with lust?”

  “Eurgh. Now you’re just been yucky. I admit I fancy him, okay? And the things he does to me…”

  “See, you’re going limp and pathetic. That’s probably why Carol was worried about you. Anyway, does he really know why you wanted to buy the land for him?” Ella’s eyes had narrowed to slits, though it didn’t stop her slurping up the rest of her mojito.

  “Which is?”

  “Only you know the full answer to that, honey. Are you drinking that?”

  “No, you have it.” She pushed the glass over.

  “Well at least tell him the reasons why you didn’t do it, like you weren’t trying to tie him down, although that idea does sound nice.”

  “Ella.”

  “And you weren’t doing it because you felt sorry for him, or were buying him off, or you’d just got bored of the idea. Just tell him you’re a silly cow.”

  “Thanks for those words of wisdom.”

  “Well you are. Just tell him you love him.” She downed half of Georgie’s drink and grinned. “Oh, and don’t forget the bit that you’re not preggers.”

  “Who said I,” just say the four letter word, you can say it, she swallowed to clear the lump from her throat, “love him?”

  “You just did. Shall we go and get a pizza? So, what are you going to do now you know you’re not up the duff? I mean you’re not really serious about working with your pa are you? You’d hate it, and you don’t need the security now.”

  “God knows, and he’s not telling. I screwed up didn’t I? But anyhow at least doing that plan did make me think a bit about what I could do. I’m going to look for a place of my own I think, rent something.”

  “You won’t go and work for Alfie though?”

  “No.” She sighed. “I think I said that partly to please him, because we were having a lovely father daughter thing going, and partly to persuade myself I’d done the right thing running away. If I’m honest,” she looked through her eyelashes up at Ella who was sipping at the dregs in the bottom of the glass, “I did want to stay here.”

  “Well, stay.”

  The soft words caught her unawares, caught at something deep inside her, she felt like crying, but it wouldn’t help. “I can’t, he needs this place more than I do. He does Ella, that’s why he has to have it. I thought if I used my trust money and bought it for him then it wasn’t actually tying him down. He could sell it if he wanted and go, I don’t know, wherever. But I think he really wants to be there, whatever he says. Rowena’s clever, she knows he needs that place, she was just trying to force him to see it.”

  “But she was clever enough to know that she couldn’t be seen to be forcing him.”

  “Yeah, and I’m the thick one. She did try and warn me.”

  “Can you afford to just give it to him, I mean it’s a lot of money isn’t it? And I thought you were broke.”

  “When Dad sold it to Rowena he put the money into a trust fund for me, so that if I ever wanted it back…”

  “Shit, no kidding? Wow.”

  “I only found out by accident, he wasn’t going to tell me until I’d sorted myself out. It was like a bonus once I’d proved I knew what I wanted and was going to settle down.”

  “Doesn’t he mind you giving it away?”

  “He doesn’t know. And anyhow Jake doesn’t want it, I
think I’ve just got to leave it to him and Rowena to sort out.”

  “After you’ve told him.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  “Look girl, you’ve got a choice. You can either text him and tell him he it was all a mistake, you’re not up the duff and you’re sorry for scaring the shit out of him. Or,” she fixed Georgie with an assessing glare, “you can admit you messed up, tell him you still fancy him like fuck, and tell him to stop being a wuss and fight you fair and square for that stupid field. Though Christ knows why anyone would be bothered about that.” She shook her head, then threw it back and gave a throaty roar that made half the bar turn round and stare. “Oh for fuck’s sake, I just got it. Neither of you really give a shit about it do you?”

  “You’re losing it.” Georgie kept her head down and hoped everyone would look away.

  “Both of you could just start over somewhere else couldn’t you? I mean, yeah I get the old nostalgia thing when you first went back, but you know it’s not going to change anything don’t you?” She laid a heavy hand on Georgie’s knee. “You need a place and a job, but why here?” She didn’t stop for an answer, Ella was on a roll. Unstoppable. “And he, he’s more pissed off about the fact he thought you were seeing someone else, isn’t he? I reckon he would have forgiven you trying to buy the place for him if you’d been staying, but throwing him the scraps before you wandered off with someone better, well that was a real kick in the balls.”

  “Bollocks.” It would have been easier if she’d been drunk. She could have just ignored it then, safe in the knowledge that it would all be forgotten by tomorrow.

  “Prove it. You go and ask him.”

  “Right now?” She picked up her mobile and Ella laughed.

  “Face to face, honey. I want to see you face to face.”

  “No way am I talking to him in front of you.”

  “You smacked him in the ego and he’s smarting, which is why he’s not talking to you.”

  “Neither of us is talking. And he is bothered, he needs that place. Ella, he’s been hiding behind the fact of looking after Rowena, but he loves it there. He needs it, it’s the only thing he’s ever had.”

  “I thought he didn’t want anything, he’s a gypsy boy at heart.”

  “He does need it, he needs something.” Or someone.

  “Exactly.” Ella picked up her jacket. “That boy certainly need something.”

  Exactly. What was that supposed to mean?

  “Come on, let’s go grab that pizza now we’ve got everything straight.”

  She could have argued, but it was so much easier not to.

  By the time the pizza and another bottle of wine had been polished off Georgie felt like she was caught in the middle of a herd of stampeding elephants. And much as she loved the straight talking Ella she had never been more pleased to see the back of her.

  She sank back into the settee and closed her eyes. And never felt less like going to sleep. It was stupid, so totally irrational, but she’d felt like a bit of her had been dragged away when she’d found out she wasn’t pregnant. She didn’t like babies, didn’t want one, but however much she repeated it in her head, or even out loud, there was a loss inside her that was crying out for someone to listen. A silly, useless part of her that wanted to mourn.

  She hugged a cushion to herself and stared at the blank TV screen. And she missed Jake. Ella was right. It was about him now. She scrunched her eyes up. Last time, when her mum had walked she’d had no control, no say over what had happened. This time she could at least try.

  And even though she was a little bit tipsy, well maybe because she was, she had to do it now.

  She pulled on a worn ripped pair of jeans over her stockings, wrapped a cardigan that had seen better days over the top of the dress she’d worn to go out in, and pushed her feet into old green wellingtons. Pulled a coat from the hook behind the door.

  She’d tell him now. Tell him she missed him, tell him she was only trying to help, tell him she knew he hated her, tell him she’d not been with anyone else since that day she’d bumped into him. Tell him she wasn’t trying to tie him down or make him stay, well maybe she was a bit, but not really, it was up to him, she liked having him there but she was happy just having fun. Like they had been. She just didn’t really want it to end like this. Not yet.

  She pushed her cycle over the gravel driveway, trying to be quiet so no-one would hear her from the house. Used a car to balance herself as she set off wobbling down the road. Swearing under her breath as she weaved herself down the dark, narrow lane, nearly falling off every time a branch moved and the moon sent a weird shadow across her path.

  The barn was bathed in darkness. No sound apart from the mare occasionally shifting about in her stall, the gentle wicker of welcome she’d sent out when the door opened.

  Georgie walked down towards the stall where he kept his motorbike. Empty apart from a half drunk mug of cold coffee. She could go. She should go. She sank down onto one of the bales of hay, slipped from it to sit on the rubber covered floor. If she stayed for just a little while he’d come back, he’d be out drinking, but he’d be back soon. To check on the horse. Oh Lord, what if he had someone with him? She pulled the cardigan tighter around herself, wrapped herself in the old black duffel coat she’d grabbed. Listened to the hypnotic soft munching of the mare eating hay.

  ***

  Jake studied her for a moment, letting her familiar form, her familiar smell settle inside him before he spoke. “Well, hello stranger. Not got a home to go to?”

  She was sat on the floor in the barn, right next to where his bike had been parked earlier. Her knees pulled up, forehead resting on them, and she muttered something which could have been more or less anything ranging from ‘I haven’t’ to ‘I hate you’.

  “Sorry?” He squatted down in front of her. Close up she looked like a tight ball of stress, tension cloaking her from shoulders to curled-up toes. She muttered again, something indistinct, but when he tapped her arm she finally lifted her head. Long hair sticking to her damp face. “How long have you been here?”

  “A while.” She rubbed a forearm across her eyes, sniffed. “I went out with Ella. Then I came to see you. I’m allowed aren’t I?” She shivered involuntarily and he instinctively moved round to her side. Draped his jacket over her tense shoulders. “Or do you hate me so much you never want to see me again?”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “What time is it?” She stared blearily at him.

  “Late.”

  “Where’ve you been?”

  “Well, strangely enough I went to see you.”

  “But I wasn’t in.” She tilted her head on one side, surveyed him through dark eyelashes and a tangle of hair. A whisper from the past that sent an ache of longing deep inside him. He’d wanted that sweet little girl lost a long time ago, and he still wanted her now. Whatever.

  He cleared his throat. “Nope, you weren’t.”

  “Why? Why did you go to see me?”

  “I’m allowed aren’t I? Or do you hate me so much you never want to see me again?”

  She half smiled, relaxed against him. “I don’t hate you.”

  “Loving your get up by the way.”

  “It’s very ‘in’ this season, wellies and stockings.”

  “You’ve got stockings under that get up?”

  “Under the jeans I have, yes. You have just got no idea of fashion at all have you?”

  He could have throttled her for just turning up when he needed her most, crashing back into his world. But instead he was smiling like some simpleton. “And the duffel coat over the,” he lifted a bit of the coat, “moth eaten cardigan over the,” rooted a bit further, “satin type thingy.”

  “It’s a dress.”

  “Thanks. Over the satin dress, that’s in this year is it too?”

  “Very. Just what the party girl who lives in the cold English countryside needs.”

  “Is it what you need?”

  �
��Partly.” She shuffled about a bit, but didn’t go far. “Why were you at my house?”

  “I thought maybe it was time we had a chat.”

  “Ah.”

  “What’s the ahh for?”

  “Jake.” He felt her take a deep breath. Felt her ease away from him like she was about to say something he didn’t want to hear. Forced himself to sit still, listen. “Jake, it was yours. There was no lover boy.” She gave another sniff, wiped across her face with the back of her hand.

  Ahh. The baby. Except he wasn’t sure that was why he’d needed to talk to her, but it was obviously what she wanted. She hadn’t missed him, hadn’t needed to see him. She was just here to sort out the practicalities. “You said. In the note.” He could hear the dry tone, hated himself for it. “Don’t worry, I won’t abandon you, just tell me how you want to play it.”

  “Jake, please listen to me.”

  “I thought I was.” Damn, how could he have all his good intentions blown out of the water with one word from her? He’d wanted to talk, needed to talk. But not this conversation.

  “It,” a long pause, “would have been yours.”

  Would have been. “You haven’t?” Shit. She couldn’t have just gone and got rid of it, even if she didn’t want a baby. Not the sweet, caring Georgie he thought he knew, she couldn’t…

  “I didn’t want a baby, but I didn’t want there not to be one either.” She gave a little wail and crumpled against him. “I’m not pregnant.” The words were muffled, but he heard them. Through his damp shirt straight to his heart.

  “You’re not pregnant? You mean there isn’t a baby? Were you ever…. Did you…?”

  “No.” She wailed again, this time louder. Then started to sob, pressing her face harder into his chest. “But I wanted it.” She was hiccupping. “I wanted your baby.” Shaking.

  Jake could feel himself frown as he wrapped his arms round her. So, she didn’t want babies, hated the thought of having one, but now was torn to shreds because it turned out she wasn’t pregnant? “Shhh.” He hugged her closer.

  “Everyone thought I was. Carol did, Rowena did. But I wasn’t.”

  He rocked her gently, hardly able to make out the words between the hiccups. “They said that?”