Beth didn’t know what to say. The two of them hugged and Polly asked her to give Max a message from her – not to give up hope and that she would make sure Susan was back with him soon.
Beth’s drive home was full of hope that everything would work out. When she got home, she went upstairs to see Max, but he wasn’t in his room. She headed down to the beach, knowing that this was where he went to think. She saw his silhouette on the beach and headed towards him.
“Why did she do it, mum? Why did she go?” His voice was tired and croaky.
Beth put a hand on her son’s arm. “Max, her friend rang me, and I went to meet her…” before she could carry on Max interrupted her.
“What do you mean? Where is she? I’ll go and get her. I need to speak to her?” Max was ready to go. He didn’t care how far away she was, he just wanted her back. “Max, listen, Polly said she’s in a bad way; she said she would be able to help her. However, we need to leave her to it for a while. She told me to tell you not to give up. She hopes she will have Susan back with us soon. We just need to give her space for a while.”
Max was angry; he could have helped her, he wanted to be the one to take care of her, not someone else. “What? So, I’m meant to just sit and wait? I don’t think so mum. I only just found her I’m not losing her again. I’m not the kid anymore.” He was already walking back to the house and Beth trailed behind him. She understood her son’s desire to fix Susan – she felt it herself, but he needed to realize that Susan was fragile, and his needs didn’t come into it – he risked damaging her further.
“Listen to me, we need to let Polly get through to her first; leave it a few days, please, for me. I want her back just as much as you do, but she needs to deal with her problems first. If you go over there now you will only push her further away.” Max knew she was right; his mother most often was.
He jumped in the car and headed for Jessop’s snooker house and bar for a beer. He spent most of his weekends playing snooker with his friends, before he met Susan that was. He felt the need to have a few drinks and see if any of the lads wanted a game.
The minute Polly had left the house, Susan hit the bottle of wine. She spent all afternoon on the sofa with her glass, listening to music. It was the only way she knew how to numb the pain. She kept checking her phone but there was nothing, only another empty glass. Just then the door opened, and Polly walked in. She grabbed the glass from Susan’s hand.
“Oh no you don’t – we’re not going through all that again. It didn’t work the first time and it’s not going to work now.” She stomped into the kitchen and poured the remains of the bottle down the drain, more for effect than purpose. She put the kettle on. “You need to drink some coffee and start explaining.”
The only thing Susan wanted to do was drink and sleep. Polly handed her a cup of coffee and sat down next to her.
“We need to sort this, Susan. You’re not going to find the answer at the bottom of the bottle, and you know that. Only you can put this right.” She stroked Susan’s hair away from her face. “Talk to me, please.”
Susan took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to fix it Poll. How can I put it right? I thought I could walk away from him; I thought it was the right thing to do, but I was wrong. Am I being selfish wanting him to give up the chance of a family for me?”
Polly knew the answer, “Of course you’re not selfish. What would give you that idea? I know he loves you, and you deserve to be loved, but if you keep thinking like this you will never be able to let him into your life. You need to get rid of this stupid idea that a child would make you both happy and somehow love each other more. It isn’t the answer. I know you want to be a mum, but he wants to love you for a lifetime. Which is more important to you?”
Susan knew Polly was right. She had so badly wanted to be a mother that she had convinced herself it was what he wanted too. Did he secretly know her suffering?
“You’re right, Polly but it’s too late, I have smashed everything to pieces and I can’t put it back together. I have taken the best thing to happen to me and thrown it away. How do I fix that?”
Max headed to bed, heavy hearted that it would be alone. Before switching off the light, he checked his phone and noticed a missed call from Susan. He wanted to call her back straight away but reminded himself that she needed time, he couldn’t help her in the way she needed. He looked at the picture of her on his phone. It was taken in Paris on the hotel balcony. She looked so happy and peaceful. It had been the night he had given her the necklace. All along she had been planning on ending it. How could he not have seen it?
Polly sat on the sofa with a very serious look on her face. “I need to ask you something and I don’t want you to go of the rails. I know you’re not going to like it.” Susan nodded. She trusted Polly with her life – literally.
“I’ve been thinking about things – a lot, and I’ve got some questions that I think we need to explore, but it means that we are going to have to go back over some painful memories. Are you in a place to do that?
Susan nodded her head tentatively, thinking that she hurt so badly already that surely nothing else could hurt more.
Polly paused, selecting her question carefully. “When you lost the baby, who told you that you wouldn’t be able to have children?
Susan jumped from the sofa. “Why? Why do you need to know that?”
“Susan, calm down and listen to me. Did any of the doctors actually tell you, in exact terms that you wouldn’t be able to have children in the future?”
Susan went to say something but lost her words. She was angry and upset. In the end she shrugged her shoulder violently and fought off tears.
Polly hesitated, “… or was it him? Did he tell you that?”
Susan’s memory flashed back to that afternoon in the hospital and the image of him leaning in close to her ear, hissing threats and telling her that she deserved everything that had happened to her. He told her God was punishing her for her sins and that he would never let a little slut like her be a mother.
She felt the beginnings of a panic attack. It was all too much; she couldn’t think about all that now.
CHAPTER 6
Polly knocked on the door several times throughout the day, but each time Susan told her to go away and leave her alone. She hadn’t eaten or drank all day. Every inch of her body ached for Max. He still hadn’t returned her call. The move had meant to be a fresh start but instead she’d just ended up back at the start; here in Polly’s apartment, depressed, hurt, and alone. She picked up her phone and tried ringing him, but no one picked up. She sent him another message. She waited for a couple of hours. She desperately needed a drink. She needed to lose herself. She found herself sat at the bar in a sleazy club. “Allow me,” the man next to her said. “I’m Dean.” “Susan,” She answered, “Fancy a dance?” he asked leaning over to her and placing his hand on her knee. Susan nodded and let him lead her onto the dance floor. His hands were tight around her waist, and he was kissing the nape of her neck. The drink, the lights and the movement all created a dizzying effect. He spoke into her ear, “Do you want to get out of here?” Susan nodded. Alcohol had taken over her rational mind. “I don’t usually do this you know,” Susan said shyly. As the entered Dean’s flat, he was all over her, kissing the nape of her neck, stroking his hands over her breasts, unzipping her skirt. There was no time to think. She kissed him back, hard. Undid the buttons of his shirt. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. There was no tenderness, no love. It was a drunken fumble with no pleasure, just a series of sensations. As Dean slept, she went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Guilt overwhelmed her. How could she do this to him? She had let him down in every way possible. Her head was pounding from the drink and her heart was breaking over the thought of Max at home alone. She rushed into the bedroom, threw on her clothes, and headed out the door, grabbing a half-filled bottle of Vodka from the kitchen top as she went.
Before she knew what was happening,
she was sitting in the park having succeeded in losing herself.
CHAPTER 7
The morning sun poured through the curtains. Susan struggled to open her eyes. She could not remember how she got home but she could remember her night being full of dreams of Max. She remembered storming out on Polly and then everything went blank.
Wrapping the cover around herself she headed into the kitchen. That was when she saw him standing in Polly’s kitchen with a cup of coffee in hand and the other held in greeting.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” she replied, still not certain that she wasn’t dreaming.
“You gave us all a real scare last night you know.”
She blushed and pulled at the cover. Max handed her his cup of coffee, and she took it smiling.
He reached out and pushed a tangle of hair away from her face.
“Polly phoned me,” he offered as way of explanation.
“Oh,” she said.
Polly walked in through the front door, carrying a loaf of bread. “Oh, you’re up.”
Susan looked at them both. They’d gone to so much trouble to make sure she was safe. It was at that moment she realized what family really meant. This was the only family Susan needed. With them around she knew they would get her through anything.
Polly ran Susan a bath and walked her to the bathroom. Susan’s legs still felt like jelly from all the shock. “Please don’t leave me,” she said grabbing Polly’s arm. She shut the door and helped Susan get out of her clothes before helping her into the bath.
“Susan, last night, we were so worried, what happened?” she said washing Susan’s back.
Susan tucked her legs under her chin and cried. “I don’t know, I felt like I couldn’t think straight anymore.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I wish I could take it all away for you.”
“I want Max to take me home – do you think he’ll do that?”
Polly gave a smile as she helped Susan out the bath. Go and get dressed and I’ll talk to him. As they came out the bathroom, they could hear Max on the phone to Beth. “I think Susan should see a doctor. I’m really not sure I give her the help she needs.” Susan’s face crumpled in pain. She let go of Polly’s hand and ran back into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. The sound of the door slamming caused Max to look up the stairs and see Polly standing open mouthed. She shook her head and Max came bounding up the stairs. He knocked on the door.
“Go away,” Susan shouted. “I’m sorry I’m such a burden on you, Max. You can leave now, you have done your hero bit.”
“Susan, please, listen, I didn’t mean that how it sounded. Please, just open the door and let me in.” Max felt helpless. “Please, we have been here before and neither of us wants to make the same mistake again.”
There was a moment of silence and then the sound of the lock sliding open.
He found her sitting on the floor all curled up, tears streamed down her face. He sat down on the floor next to her.
“I searched for hours for you. When I found you in the park, I was worried sick, you looked so ill. I never want to feel like that again, I never want to feel like I’m too late, but I don’t know how to help you deal with this. I’m not sure that I’m strong enough – and that isn’t your fault, it’s mine. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you.”
Susan lifted her head and looked at him. She could see in his eyes that he must have spent the whole night awake, making sure she was okay. How could she have got things so wrong? She had let fear takeover her life.
He held out his hands and folded hers in his. “Baby, I promise you I will never turn my back on you.”
“This is all my fault. I thought it would be better, but I just ended it but I…”
“Ssh, don’t worry about any of that now. Come home, Susan. We’ll get help and we’ll get through it together.” He moved closer, teasing her lips with his before kissing her long and deep.
She breathed in every part of Max’s body and ran her fingers up his chest their eyes locked as he pushed her hair behind her, his fingers ran through her curls.
“I guess you too have made up then,” Polly said from the door. “Sorry to interrupt but your mum is on my phone for you.”
Whilst Max spoke to Beth, updating her on the situation, Polly followed Susan through to the guest room and watched her pack.
“If you’re going back, I’m coming with you. Max has said it’s okay.”
“What do you mean you’re coming too?”
“Well I hate my job, I live in a tiny apartment that I rent at vast expense and I keep bumping into my shitty ex, so I mean I am coming with you and renting out Beth’s spare room for a few months.”
“I can’t ask you to do that. I can’t expect you to give up your life here to babysit me again.” Susan knew that wasn’t the only reason Polly was doing it, but she couldn’t expect her to drop everything for her – not again.
Polly laughed, “Oh please, honey, I won’t be doing any babysitting that’s what you have Max for. It’s just that I want to be around to help, and besides, I missed you when you were gone.” They shared a long hug.
Susan went to the door and checked the hallway, making sure Max wasn’t around. She closed it and turned up the radio just to make sure she wouldn’t be overheard. “I wanted to talk to you to before I spoke to Max,” she said in a low voice.
“What is it?” Polly asked.
“Don’t look so worried, it’s nothing bad. I want your advice.” “Okay,” she said nervously.
“Well I’ve decided that I don’t want to see anyone about children; I don’t want to know what my options would be. I don’t want to know how damaged, or not damaged
I am. I don’t want to be poked and prodded and gawped at.”
“But being informed would be really positive, Susan.”
Susan shook her head. “Look, I don’t want to go and be told it’s true or not true. I’m going to try, and if it doesn’t happen, then we’ll deal with it.” She twiddled her hair nervously.
“If you are you sure that’s what you want?” Polly smiled tightly. “And if it doesn’t work, can you really cope with that?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Max will be with me. All I can do is try.”
They returned home and went to bed where they made love slowly and tenderly. As she lay next to Max, she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
She wanted to be his wife.
“I have something to ask you,”
He stroked her arm, “Anything – you can ask me anything.”
“How would you feel about us giving this whole marriage thing a go?”
He sprang up onto his elbow and grinned. “Whoa, where did that come from?” he asked laughing.
“I don’t know, I was just thinking that maybe we could give being husband and wife a go – see how it goes for a while – check that we like it, and then… then maybe we might think about trying to make a little family.”
He kissed her on the forehead. “I like that idea very much,” he hesitated, and
Susan felt a knot in her stomach. “But we’ve still got a long way to go, Susan.”
She nodded. “I know. I do know that.”
“But it’s just the goal that we need. It’s hopes.”
“Yes,” she agreed, “it’s hope.”
He reached out his hand and searched for hers. He loved the idea of making a family with her someday, but it was complicated.
“Tea?” she asked, swinging her legs out of bed.
“Please.” He giggled. “Look at us being all rock ‘n roll!”
“Yeah, well it’s about as rock ‘n roll as it’s going to be from now on.” “I like that.”
By the time she returned with the tea, Max was fast asleep. She put the tea down and crept back out of the room and downstairs to the lounge where her bag was still packed from her stay at Polly’s. She searched down to the bottom of the bag and found the tiny box. She held it in her hand
and allowed a few tears.
“What’s that?”
The sound of Max’s voice made her jump. “I thought you were asleep.” He shrugged and looked at the box.
“I kept these all this time, it’s the only thing I have of her.” She carefully lifted the lid of the box. “The day I found out I was pregnant I bought these. I’ve carried them with me ever since. I don’t think I can let them go.”
Max enveloped her in his arms. “Then don’t; don’t let them go. It doesn’t mean you’re going to forget her or replace her. They’re part of you.”
“Yeah, you’re right – but they are part of me that needs closure. I think it’s time to open up the attic and store a few things.” She smiled weakly.
“That’s a great idea, there are a few things I could do with storing alongside yours. Now why don’t I make us something to eat?”
Max cooked while Susan sat and watched him twirling her hair around the fingers, she could picture this back home the two of them living together spending every moment of every day together.
The only thing spoiling this little moment of perfection was the thought of tomorrow’s counselling appointment. Beth had a contact that she knew from her old university days and had managed to get her on her books; offering to help with the fees. Secretly, Beth had reservations about the relationship between Susan and her son. Her mother’s instinct fretted about the damage that had been done to Susan, and how that might in the end impact on her son; but he was a grown man, and a strong one at that. She had to accept his choices in life, and Susan deserved a chance at happiness. Susan had asked Beth to accompany her to the appointment, and she’d reluctantly agreed, telling her that she’d be happy to drive her there and pick her up, go for lunch afterwards, but she wouldn’t come into the session – Susan had to start facing things by herself if there was ever a chance of her healing.
Something Missing (The True Love Series Book 1) Page 5
