“Wow.”
“I think I’d like to try two pieces of gum at once, please.”
“....”
“It’s clearly not right for the Frequent Review, but I’m going to write a personal rejection note in which I say that I personally liked it, and thought it had possibilities, though it was not as yet a finished piece. ”
“Another troubled-collegiate-mind submission?”
“That’s the very strong sense I get, although the kid tried to pass himself off as much older in his cover letter, and included what I have now determined to be a phony bibliography of published material. ”
“Lordy.”
“I’m suddenly monstrously hungry, Lenore.”
“I know for a fact there are sandwiches. Let me buzz Jennifer.”
“....”
“Well, it’s about time somebody wanted something around here.”
“Hi Jennifer. I think Mr. Vigorous would like a sandwich.”
“Well, sure. Sir, what would you like?”
“What sorts of sandwiches do you have, please?”
“We have ham, today, and also turkey.”
“Does the turkey have mayonnaise?”
“I think so, sir.”
“Miracle Whip, or Hellman’s?”
“Sir, I’m afraid I’m not sure. Lenore, I’m sorry.” “That’s OK, Jennifer. Hellman’s makes Rick’s throat itch, is the thing.”
“How perfectly awful!”
“Perhaps I’ll have the ham, provided it’s mayonnaiseless, with the crusts removed from what I’ll naturally assume to be rye bread.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Please, and understandably again given the above it’s vital that there be no mayonnaise, though I would like a smidgeon of mustard, and also a Canadian Club with a spash of distilled water.”
“Lenore?”
“May I please have a ginger ale?”
“I’ll be right back.”
“Thanks, Jennifer.”
“Beautiful girl.”
“Trying to make me jealous?”
“Don’t I wish.”
“....”
“Speaking of which ... I saw Norman, yesterday, Lenore. He asked about you.”
“Really? I think we’re getting close to Bradley Field. I know we’re over New York state, anyway. See the traffic?”
“Norman asked about you.”
“Really.”
“Norman claims to be in love with you.”
“Why that tone, Rick?”
“What tone?”
“An obese, hideous, insane, aspirations-to-be-infinite person, who’s off his rocker, expresses a necessarily-given-his-universe-view temporary interest in someone who made every effort to be explicitly rude to him, and who clearly has no interest in him, and you get that tone.”
“I almost attacked him on the spot. I just had no idea where to begin hitting. He’s much larger than he was a week ago.”
“That seems longer ago than a week, doesn’t it?”
“Besides, his palanquin carriers were all quite burly. Otherwise I really would have lunged.”
“....”
“Norman hasn’t communicated with you directly, has he? Expressed things to you?”
“I’ll handle it, Rick.”
“Handle what?”
“Whatever needs to be handled.”
“....”
“I get to handle things too, you know. I’m a person.”
“What has he said?”
“Nothing even the tiniest bit interesting, and nothing that’s really any of your business.”
“None of my business?”
“....”
“None of my business?” “....”
“Aren’t you my—? Thank you. Thanks.”
“Looks super, Jennifer, thanks. Are we getting close?”
“I know we’re over New York. Captain says about half an hour.”
“Thanks.”
“Just buzz if there’s anything at all, you two.”
“She didn’t take the crusts off.”
“Give me your knife. I’ll do it.”
“We’re her only responsibility, the one thing she has to do, and she doesn’t take the crusts off.”
“....”
“You’re not my business? I’m confused about what’s my business and what isn’t?”
“Got a knife, here, remember.”
“....”
“I’m your friend. Your girlfriend. I’m not your business.”
“My girlfriend?”
“Whatever you want to call it. May I please eat these crusts, or do you want them for some reason?”
“The things I love are my business.”
“That’s just untrue. The things you love and the people you love are the things and people you love. Your business is you.”
“....”
“Just like my business is me.”
“....”
“Which I’ll handle, Rick.”
“My, aren’t we assertive and confident and sure of ourselves all of a sudden.”
“I don’t think this is the place for this. When you start using the plural tense, I sense spasm-potential.”
“This ham is far too salty.”
“You did take your gum out, right?”
“I’m losing you, Lenore. My ears were rumbling ominously at impending loss. That’s what that rumbling really was.”
“Why do you perceive everything in terms of having and losing? Have you ever for about one second thought of how that makes me feel? You haven’t ‘lost me,’ whatever on God’s green earth that means. I’ll handle the people who might happen to be temporarily infatuated with me on my own, is all.”
“People?”
“Sweet shrieking mother of God! Listen to yourself! You’re not even insanely jealous, you’re just ... pathetically jealous.”
“So now I’m pathetic.”
“No more. I’m going to sleep. May I please put my ginger ale on your tray?”
“You may not go to sleep, Lenore.”
“....”
“At least have the decency to give me some gum, to have, for the landing, which I might tell you I’m not looking forward to one bit.”
“Here.”
“....”
“....”
“You are too my business.”
“Fnoof. ”
“Christ.”
/d/
EXCERPT FROM DUTY LOG OF DR. DANIEL JOY, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR FOR EMERGENCY SERVICES, CHICAGO DEPARTMENT OF MENTAL HEALTH, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, FRIDAY, 3 SEPTEMBER 1990.
10:40 a.m. Arrive Lake Lady Medical Center, Chicago.
10:42 Arrive Floor 5. ID check complete. Station log verifies assignment to observe patient “JB, ” Room 573, admitted p.m. of Thursday, 26 August.
10:45 Arrive Room 573. ID check complete. Occupants of 573 as of 10:45: Joy; patient “JB”; Dr. Robert Golden, Supervisor Emotional/Psychological Services, Lake Lady Center; Dr. Daniel Nelm, Staff Physician, /P S, L.L.C. Observe patient “JB.” Patient male, Caucasian, fair, dark hair, height appr. 5’ 9”, weight appr. 100 lbs. Prominent features: eyes. Exceptionally large, black. Condition skin around eyes indicates lack of/difficulties connected with sleep. Patient conscious but sedated. Medication indicated Golden to be 110 Thor. Pcm #7 drip ver. saline x 2 hrs.; increased to 220 Thor. Pcm #7 post shift #3 (11 p.m.-7 a.m.).
Observe filming apparatus on tripod at foot of patient’s bed. Observe director’s chair. Observe sunglasses worn by Drs. Golden, Nelm. N explains patient delusion e.g. admittance, believes he is contestant on television “quiz-” or “game-show, ” refuses/unable to give correct name, refers to himself only as “The Contestant, ” variously under heavy post-#3 sedation “He Who Smites From Afar” (per report Golden, Nelm). Patient “JB” refuses to speak unless believes being filmed, recorded; refuses to acknowledge questions posed by any but those representing selves as “game-show” personnel (per G, N). Food refused 2
7 August, thereafter; Drip Class 7 initiated 27 August, thereafter.
Malnutrition advanced but not sufficient for exhaustive explanation condition (Golden, concurrence Joy).
Nelm explains camera is Motorola home-movie outfit owned by Mrs. Nelm. Patient appears to ignore. Patient stares into camera. Am handed by Nelm pair sunglasses, director’s bullhorn. Am instructed to address patient as “Contestant, Baby. ” Sit in director’s chair. (Here see E/ P S L.L.C. reports 8-28, 8-29, 8-30, 8-31, tag 573, L.L.M.C.) Am introduced as “Mr. Barris of Screen Gems, nc. Patient response noticeable. Difficulty observing patient from behind sunglasses judged acceptable, offset by desirability patient response. Delusion observed. Delusion constant only with respect to television. Patient appears confused as to whether appearing on game show or being interviewed for/about appearance game show. Nelm suggestion (positive impression Nelm, unorthodox vs. highly competent, formally noted 9-3) Mr. ”Barris“ ask ”prospective contestant“ for previous ”game-show experience. “ Patient’s voice exceptionally raw, scratchy; intelligibility inconstant. Hoarseness see admission report JB-L.L.M.C. 8-26, Nelm report 8-27 tag 573. Patient responds request ”experience“ (from tape, N):
“The experience I have had was on
the ... (unintelligible) ... In the Desert? And I was ... where we were I was contestant. I am the contestant. The host opened the showcase and from where / was the audience screamed. It was the most desirable prize imaginable. The prize impossible to conceive of a more desirable prize. The totally desirable prize. And the audience had to be restrained with electrified wire mesh. And where / was I was not restrained. And ... “ (unintelligible). ”And the host in the robe set the clock and shots of Dad and ...“ ” (unintelligible) “and wires affixed. Host in robe says...” (here patient adopts different voice, possibly one of game-show quizmaster [N], pain at vocal effort obvious): “ ‘And the contestant will of course receive in which he receives the most widely desirable prize imaginable, on the condition that he, here we are, not want it, for the next 60 seconds.’
“Contestant, where I was, did not receive prize. Shouts from audience: ‘Don’t think about it. ’ ‘Renounce all desire.’ Shouts from audience behind electrified wire mesh. To receive totally desirable prize by not desiring prize I did not receive prize. Failure occurred at 50 seconds. Per the rules of the game received the electric shocks, on the tip? Every 2 seconds? For the 50? And the audience completely howled, threw water from behind the wire mesh, were thrown back ...”
Patient emits screams, rhythm appr. every 2 seconds, over 20 seconds, throat condition prohibits excessive noise or potential for harm (G, N). Dosage increased Nelm x 1.5; patient now conscious but heavily sedated. Eyes roll white.
Here c. f. formal report Joy CDMH 9-3-90 tag L.L.M.C. #573: identity patient sought via standard police, media procedure. Initials J.B., relative (?) L.B., established by jewelry worn date admittance. Nelm emphasis mention “Dad.” Reference to Desert, together with accent, establishes experience (residence?) in Ohio post-1972. Directive Nelm; proceed through all missing persons reports male Caucasion—Illinois, Ohio—past 30 days. Observation assignment Nelm. Observation continued through 9-10 authorized (see Joy, 9-3 tag 573 L.L.M.C.). Follow-up assignment Nelm authorized. Use of equipment authorized through 9-10. For following refer Joy formal 9-3 tag 573 L.L.M.C.
Overrall impressions none. Parallel/Precedent impression none.
11:30 Leave Lake Lady Medical Center, Chicago. dj/hvs
/e/
“It sure is weird having it be Monday and no telephones. You were awesome with Walinda, Rick. I never would have believed it.”
“My ears still hurt like hell. It was as if the takeoff merely softened my ears up for the landing. It was beyond belief, Lenore.”
“I’m so sorry. What can I do?”
“Oh, Route 9. Here it is. We’re on Route 9. God, the memories I have of Route 9. Good Lord, the Coolidge Bridge.”
“Haven’t you ever been back here, for reunions or stuff like that?”
“You must be joking.”
“....”
“The plane isn’t simply going to idle and wait for us at Bradley Field, Lenore, is it?”
“No way. That’s Stonecipheco’s one jet.”
“How thrifty.”
“I think it took off again almost right away. I think it had to get back home.”
“Places to go and people to see.”
“I’m not even sure. You hustled us into this limo in like four seconds.”
“The law of the East Coast. You see available transportation, you grab it immediately.”
“The plane’s supposed to be back for us by lunchtime tomorrow ... eleven-thirty.”
“Plenty of time to talk to LaVache.”
“Which is obviously going to be a waste of time, in terms of Dad, I predict. There’s no way Lenore’s talking to LaVache if she hasn’t talked to me. LaVache and Lenore hate each other. And he doesn’t even have a phone. And he and John hate each other, too. Or rather at least he hates John.”
“So much hating.”
“Well, it’s just family hating. It’s not like real hating.”
“My God. The Aqua Vitae restaurant. I thought that had been tom down. I haven’t thought of the Aqua Vitae in years. Good God. We used to pile in the car and go on down to the Aqua Vitae for monstrously huge hamburg pizzas.”
“Hamburger.”
“Ah, regional linguistic clash. I love it. It all comes flooding back.”
“....”
“I really do have to pee, though.”
“Should we pull over? We can pull in really quick at this mall, here.”
“God, no, not a mall. We’re nearly there. We’re nearly here. I think perhaps it’s just excitement. Amherst is rife with restroom facilities, anyway. At least it used to be. I knew them all.”
“Hang in there, soldier.”
“At least you can watch the putative future of Stonecipheco in academic action. You can issue a full report to your father, back at his lair.”
“I’m not going to tell Dad anything except what I want to tell him. Dad told me like ninety lies in his office. I’m beginning to think Dad is maybe a compulsive liar. He lies pathologically, even sort of pathetically, when it comes to Miss Malig. And he had this guy who works for him, who I used to go to school with, spying on us. And he didn’t even tell him to come out until it was obvious that I’d seen his shoes under the window curtain.”
“Who is this person you went to school with? Have I been told about him before?”
“Look, an absolute moratorium on spasms is declared, here, Rick, OK? I’m just not in the mood at all.”
“....”
“And you should know I’m not my father’s messenger, or spy.”
“Relax. You’re among friends. You’re with the one person who places your interests above his own. Remember that.”
“Oh Rick.”
“I love you, Lenore.”
“But I have to admit I am sort of anxious to see what LaVache is like at school. He’s really smarter than John, I think. In terms of pure smarts, he’s the one person in the family who’s smarter than John. He never had to work a bit at Shaker School, I know. And at home in the summer he’s just a waste-product. He just sits around all day in the east wing, getting flapped and watching soap operas, and stuff like ‘The Flintstones,’ and carving designs in his leg.”
“ ”
“And at night, every night, he just goes out drinking with his spooky buddies, in their cars where the back is higher off the ground than the front.”
“Jacked-up.”
“Jacked-up cars. And Dad never knows what he’s doing, because Dad’s hardly ever around, or when he is he’s like tiptoeing around ever so discreetly with Miss Malig. Dad thinks LaVache works. He thinks LaVache is another him.”
“We’re almost there. This hill. We’re going to crest this hill, and we’ll be there.”
“I’m sure he must
work, now, in college. I know I sure did.”
“And ... ahh, there it is. Good heavens.”
“Your eyes are misting.”
“Bet your ass. I make no bones about it. I haven’t been back here in exactly twenty years. This is my alma mater.”
“Well, of course it is, you silly.”
“Alma mater.”
“....”
“Shall we just proceed right to Stone, Lenore? That is where LaVache lives, correct?”
“Right.”
“Driver, please take us directly to Stone Dormitory, Amherst College. You are, I’m afraid, on your own in terms of finding it. It’s one of the new ones, with which I’m not familiar, not having—”
“No problem, buddy.”
“How nice. Good heavens. How truly eerie, seeing all this. The trees are just barely hinting at beginning to turn, see? You can see it in some more than in others. Look there, for instance.”
“Pretty, all right.”
“Have you ever been here?”
“I’ve been to Mount Holyoke. I went there once, when Clarice was there.”
“Did you find it pretty?”
“It was March, but it was pretty. The campus was really pretty.”
“I’ve always liked Mount Holyoke, in a general sort of way.”
“What does that mean?”
“God, I really must pee, Lenore.”
“You can pee in LaVache’s room.”
“....”
“Oh, God, no! Rick, those shoes, still.”
“Pardon?”
“Those shoes. See those shoes, on those people? The boat shoes? With the leather shoe and white plastic sole?”
“Well, yes.”
“See those two girls and that guy? God, everybody’s still wearing them out here. Boy do I hate those shoes.”
“They, umm, seem all right to me. They seem harmless enough.”
“I have what I’m sure is this totally irrational hatred for those shoes. I think a big reason is that everyone at school wore them with no socks.”
“....”
“Which meant that they weren’t just wearing sneakers without socks, which would have been plenty repulsive enough, they were wearing nonsneakers without socks. Which is just incredibly ...”
The Broom of the System Page 22
