by Shouji Gatou
“Wrenchy-san. Can we get a picture?” Muse asked.
“Hm?”
She snapped the photo. Wrenchy-kun wandered off, muttering to himself about “silly girls.”
“It’s certainly difficult to imagine what Wrenchy-kun would look like as a human...” Isuzu said.
“Really?” Muse answered. “Ah, it’s here, it’s here!”
It was a picture of a tradesman with a crew cut, wearing a twisted headband. He looked to be in his forties or fifties, short, with a toned physique. He wore a tank top that showed off his burly, tanned arms, and baggy knickerbockers bound into tabi socks.
“I see... that does seem just about right,” Isuzu commented.
“He’s serious! Wrenchy-san is so serious!” Muse gushed. “Okay, let’s do someone else.”
They were heading towards the general affairs building when they ran into the weasel-like mascot, Dornell, carrying a small tablet at his side. He was on the way back from a conference and he looked absolutely exhausted.
“Dornell-san,” Muse greeted him. “Could I get a picture?”
“Ahh? Ah, what the nell... But isn’t photography forbidden backstage?”
“Oh, just play along!” She took the photo.
“Sure, whatever. Ahh, I’m hungry, nell...” Dornell left without even looking at the picture.
“I wonder what he’ll look like! Hmm... urk.” Muse fell silent as the picture appeared before her. Isuzu also found herself letting out a groan.
He was a pale, overweight man of about thirty. He had scraggly hair, wore chino pants, and had a checked shirt. There was stubble peppering his considerable double-chins, and he looked exhausted. It was an unflattering appearance overall.
“Well...” Isuzu began, “after all, he was an underground shut-in for ten years...”
“He’s like a poster child for a general health campaign...” Muse observed.
“Should we show this to him?” Isuzu wondered. “It might convince him to lay off the snacks and sweets...”
“I-I’d rather not!” Muse said. “It would probably just depress him!”
“But...”
“Anyway, let’s move on to the next one!”
As they entered the general affairs building, they immediately ran into Tricen, the head of PR. He seemed to be heading home after a day on the job.
“Are you going home?” Isuzu asked.
“Ohh, Isuzu-san, Muse-san! ...No, I have a few business calls to make first. I have two potential sponsors to visit.”
“Tricen-san,” Muse asked, “could I take a picture of you?”
“Oh, I hunch over with delight! Shall we take one together? Perhaps one where you’re hugging me from behind?”
“No, just one of you,” she clarified hastily.
“Oh, I see...”
Muse took the photo. While it processed, she asked if he wanted to see it, but Tricen cast a glance at the clock and panicked. “Ah, my bus is almost here! I’ll look at it later. See you around!” The photo finished processing just as Tricen ran off.
“Let’s have a look...” said Muse.
It was a picture of the quintessential businessman: middling weight, middling height, glasses... He wore a cheap suit, but he was well coiffed, and he smiled a mild smile. For some reason, he was gesturing as if he was shaping pottery on a wheel—a pose often seen in business magazines.
“This is rather dubious in its own way...” Isuzu commented.
“But it is about how I imagined him,” Muse insisted. “Okay... where should we go next?”
“There won’t be many people in the general affairs building now. Kanie-kun is a mortal...” Isuzu pondered. “Sorcerer’s Hill, perhaps?”
“Okay!”
With that, the two moved on to Sorcerer’s Hill. The first person they met was Tiramii, who had just returned backstage after a few rounds with the guests.
“Mii! Mii! Isuzu-chan, Muse-chan! Listen, listen! I saw this real hot mama in the park, mii! She was with this old man and they were the worst couple ever! I bet it was a hostess and her sugar daddy, mii!” They ignored Tiramii’s rambling and took a picture of him.
“What, what? You making a pinup of mii? Hee hee, I’m flattered...”
“Er, not exactly...”
“That’s all we needed. On your way, now.”
They coldly shooed him away.
“Aw, what’s with that? So miin... If you’ve got something fun planned—”
“Tiramii-san!” Just then, Tiramii’s assistant, Bando Biino, called to him from the door. “Sorry to bug you, but a premium pass guest still hasn’t gotten their picture taken! We need you back onstage right now!”
“Ahh. Ain’t that always the way, mii? Duty calls, mii!” Tiramii sighed, then ran back onstage.
“...He’s such a total jerk,” Muse muttered. “I bet he looks hideous.”
“He surely has the face of an absolute lech,” Isuzu agreed. “If he looks like Dornell on top of that, I’ll have nightmares.”
“Ugh, let’s skip it. I don’t even want to thi—”
The processing was complete. The picture appeared. Pictured there was—
“Uh... no way!” Muse objected.
“Huh?” Isuzu was bewildered, too. “Ah... but...”
Pictured there was a blond-haired hottie. He looked to be in his mid-twenties, with mischievous green eyes. A simple but stylish black shirt and cargo pants clung flatteringly to his slender model’s frame (there was something very erotic about the clavicles peeking out from the collar of the V-neck). The handsome man in the picture seemed to be speaking to the viewer with an amiable smile.
Both girls clamped hands over their noses and mouths.
“Er, what? Is it broken? Surely it’s broken...” Isuzu said.
“Oh gosh! He looks like Zac Efron! I love it...” Muse trailed off. “Um... er... I don’t know what to do about this...”
Just what is her problem, exactly? Isuzu wondered. “Get a hold of yourself,” she commanded her friend. “It must... simply be a mistake. Let’s move on to the next one.”
“R-Right...” Muse agreed, “it has to be broken, of course...”
The two recovered from their shock and moved on. They headed to the Music Theater’s backstage area where they ran into Macaron. It seemed that he’d just finished a minor stage show. He’d been performing blues today, so he had a harmonica in one hoof and he looked a bit dejected.
“Ohh... Isuzu and Muse. I really threw myself into today’s performance. I’m exhausted. Go buy me a beer?”
“You’re still on the job, aren’t you?” Isuzu retorted. “Wait until you’re off-duty.”
“Ron... Don’t be that way. One beer doesn’t even count as drinking! Please!”
“I told you, no!”
“Tsk, so stingy, ron...” As he spoke, he stuck a Marlboro in his mouth and lit it. Macaron was in charge of this area, so it was within his rights to allow smoking here. “Whew! Refreshing, ron.”
They took a picture of the reclining Macaron.
“He must be an old man...” Isuzu said under her breath.
“Yeah, definitely an old man!” Muse agreed lowly. “Brimming with old man smell, I bet!”
As they whispered to each other, Macaron cast a glance in their direction. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing...” Muse said innocently.
The image processing completed. The picture was of a moody yet handsome older man. “No way!” she goggled.
“Huh?!” Isuzu was also surprised.
He looked to be in his mid-thirties, tempered by the trials of life, but in a way that just added to his character. He was slender, with long arms and legs, and black hair that fell in thick locks over his eyes. He had a bad boy aura about him, wore a crisp white button-up shirt and simple (but high-end) slacks. His gold necklace and harmonica glinted in the darkness. He had the languid air of a man bathing in the afterglow of a performance, and the smooth plume of smoke from hi
s mouth was unspeakably sexy...
“What’s all the fuss about, ron? Tell me what you want or leave me alone.”
Seen with the naked eye, Macaron was his usual woolly sheep self. There was no resemblance at all to the bad boy in the picture.
“Ah, er?” Muse squawked. “Th-That’s right! Excuse us!”
“P-Please, enjoy your break,” Isuzu stammered. “Goodbye...”
Back in the underground passageway, they stared at the smartphone with renewed disbelief.
“What is with this... ‘popular-among-professionals’ stance?” Isuzu wondered.
“This is bad. I love it, but...” Muse was shaken. “Umm. ...It really is a problem...”
What problem is she having, exactly? Isuzu felt like her friend had been saying ‘I love it’ an awful lot today.
“Th-This confirms... it’s broken, unquestionably,” Muse decided.
“M-Most likely,” Isuzu agreed, “but... hmm...”
They were both standing there, scowling, when they heard a voice behind them.
“Isuzu, Muse. What are you doing here, fumo?”
“Eek?!”
They turned around in shock and saw Moffle standing there. He was holding a croquette from Maple Kitchen and a bottle of black oolong tea.
“M-Moffle-san...” they greeted him.
“You two aren’t looking well, fumo. Did you catch a disturbing image on your phone?”
In a way, that was what had happened... How could he be so insightful?
“Ah... no. It’s just a little girl talk,” Muse told him. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
“Ahh... fine, then. Do either of you know where Seiya is, fumo?”
“I believe... he’s in the general affairs building,” Isuzu answered. “In his usual office.”
“Got it, fumo. See you.”
“Um, Moffle-san!” Muse called to Moffle as he started walking away.
“Fumo? What is it?”
“Um... ah, well... We’re taking pictures of everyone. We were wondering if we could get one of you, too...”
“We’re backstage, remember? No photography permitted, fumo.”
“But it’s for the year-end appreciation party!” Muse protested. “We won’t abuse it! We promise!”
Isuzu was impressed by her ability to come up with excuses on the fly (though she felt she deserved a bit of credit for not contradicting her immediately).
“Moffu... well, all right. Just standing here, fumo?”
“Yes! In that case...” Muse took the picture.
“All done, fumo? I’ll be going, then.”
Moffle squeaked away down the hall. The two watched breathlessly as the app processed the image.
“...Why did you take another picture?” Isuzu asked. “We’d concluded it was broken, hadn’t we?”
“B-But we’ve come so far, we might as well keep taking them, right?!”
“Well, I suppose...”
“What will we do?” Muse wondered anxiously. “What if Moffle-san turns out to be handsome, too?”
“I believe he needs to be ugly to restore the balance,” Isuzu suggested.
“He doesn’t need to be ugly, but I’d feel better if he was more around Wrenchy-kun’s level...”
“Indeed. Just as long as it’s not as bad as Dornell...”
Once the image processing finished, the photo appeared.
“Waaaaaaaaaagh!”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
They were both taken aback.
He looked exactly like *ragorn from L*rd of the R*ngs: tall, brawny, longish black hair with streaks of brown. He had the barest hint of five o’clock shadow, and deep-set features, with almond eyes that communicated a sharp mind and strong will. He was dressed in outdoorsy clothing appropriate to his age. The middle-aged hunk scowled at them, a bottle of oolong tea in one hand and a croquette in the other.
“This is... but... seriously...” Isuzu was taken aback.
“Um... this is really... I love it, I mean, it’s kind of a strike down the plate... it’s trouble. Big trouble. It’s a joke, right? It must be a joke... mgh.” Muse swooned, holding back a nosebleed. Drops of blood spattered on the floor.
“It’s broken,” Isuzu said flatly. “It simply has to be broken.”
“B-But you don’t know that, do you?!” Muse squealed. “Ahh... if this is true... i-it’s big trouble, okay?!”
“I... I agree,” Isuzu told her. “It could undermine relationships in the workplace...”
Especially with the women. That would be extremely bad.
“L-Let’s confirm it.” Isuzu said, steadying her shaking legs. “We should take another round of pictures of Moffle and the others. If they present a different result, we’ll know for certain that the app is fraudulent.”
“I... I see... that’s a good point,” Muse agreed.
Moffle was already gone, but they decided to head to the backstage area nearby and take another of Macaron. They retraced their steps and found Macaron sagged in a folding chair.
“Ron? What is it?”
Muse ignored him and readied her smartphone. “Okay, let’s do it.”
“Okay!”
Muse froze up. There was no “click” this time. Her eyes were locked on the screen.
“What’s wrong?” Isuzu asked.
“I-Isuzu-san... Look...” Muse showed her the screen, looking like she was holding back tears.
《Magic☆Photo Tips! Thank you for using Magic☆Photo (Trial Version)
The app you are using is a trial version, which limits the pictures you can take to eight (8). To unlock the full features of the app, please purchase Magic☆Photo Pro.》
They had to buy the pay version? That was... fiendish!
Gritting her teeth, Muse went to the paid version’s download site. “What...” The price was an incredible 4800 yen. “4800 yen?!” she screamed. “That’s way too high!”
“This is preposterous,” Isuzu agreed. “Utterly preposterous...”
They were seized with a seething anger.
“Y-You’re freaking me out, ron... What’s up with you two?” Macaron waved at them for a while, but he was so intimidated by the girls standing there, gritting their teeth, that he ended up skedaddling.
The two remained there, glaring silently at the “4800 yen” on the smartphone.
Around closing time, it occurred to them that they could just download the trial version to Isuzu’s phone, take one picture, and be done with it.
“...Should we do it?” Isuzu wondered.
“Yes. No,” Muse wavered. “...Hm. I’m not sure...”
Cooler heads prevailed. They realized that if they took another picture that way... they had no guarantee they could stay sane in the face of the truth. They were gripped by a fear of losing something indescribable, yet important. And so, after even more thinking—
“......Let’s not,” Isuzu decided.
“...Good idea,” Muse said with relief.
There was no point in opening Pandora’s box. Better to leave things ambiguous. After a long discussion in great detail, they agreed to forget about the pictures.
Although, the link to the trial version remained on Isuzu’s smartphone...
Not Enough Attendance Days!
“I really am worried about you, Kanie-kun,” Seiya’s homeroom teacher, Ms. Konoike, said to him in the south building’s guidance office. “You’ve only been at school for ten days in April. That’s about half absences, you know? I know you’ve been sick and you’ve had family problems, but enough is enough. You don’t seem to be fitting in with the rest of the class, and on top of that, your grades are sliding. Will you please tell me the real reason for your absences?”
Internally, Kanie Seiya was annoyed. He’d been struggling with the lousy amusement park he’d been put in charge of, trying to find ways to boost attendance. He had things to do, dammit, and he resented having to waste his time sitting here, dealing with some mediocre teacher’s self-sati
sfying show of concern.
Normally he would have loved to tell her off. What the hell do you care? he’d say. The things I’m dealing with would make a pathetic public servant like you piss her pants and cry. The fates of hundreds are riding on my decisions! If you want to play ‘concerned mommy,’ do it on your own time! Idiot!
Ah, I want to say it. I really, really want to say it. But for all of his faults, Seiya had more sense than to talk to his teachers that way.
“...I’m sorry, Sensei,” Seiya said, swallowing his annoyance. “But it’s not like I’ve been lying. I have been going through a difficult time, mentally and physically...” He let out a long sigh.
Ah, well done. A perfect performance, he told himself. Not too strong, not too soft; just the right balance. Now instead of jabbering on, this stupid woman will feel pity for my amazing, handsome self and say, “I see... I’m sorry.”
This, in fact, was what Ms. Konoike said. “I see... I’m sorry, Kanie-kun.”
“It’s all right...” he trailed off, while thinking: Great. That’s right, you backwater desk jockey. Now get your nose out of my business.
But she wasn’t quite done yet. “...But you need to do something about your attendance, at least. You’ll get held back if you don’t, okay?”
“Please...” he implored, “isn’t there something you can do?”
“I’m afraid not,” Ms. Konoike said firmly.
“......” He didn’t know what to say.
“You need to come to class,” she continued. “Understand?”
“Welcome back, Kanie-kun.” As he left the guidance room, Seiya was greeted by his secretary and fellow student Sento Isuzu, who had been waiting for him in the hallway. “I have your evening’s schedule for you. You have an advertising meeting starting at 5:00. At 6:00, you’ll watch rehearsals. You also need to reply to your emails before 6:00, so you’ll need to find time for that somewhere between now and then. You have a meeting with the show director at 6:30, and then, starting at 7:00...”
“Enough. I’m already this close to killing myself,” Seiya said, waving his hand in annoyance.
