by Shouji Gatou
“I’m afraid there’s no room in the schedule for that,” Isuzu said, businesslike to the end. He wished she could indulge him just once, but ah, well... That was just the kind of person she was.
“Anyway, we should head to the park. I’ll explain the details in the car.” Isuzu took Seiya’s hand and began striding towards the entrance. Seiya shook off her hand roughly. He knew the other students would start annoying rumors about them if they saw them like this.
While keeping up his jog, he cast a glance at Isuzu. She didn’t look particularly hurt. “I just don’t get it...” he grumbled.
“Don’t get what?” she asked.
“Never mind,” he told her shortly. “Let’s go.”
They ran out the front door, then back behind the school where the park’s company car was waiting. Isuzu had arranged it in advance to save them a little bit of time. Lately, in addition to his usual bike commute, Seiya had been taking the company car to work more often.
The company car: if it were an expensive sedan like a Benz, it might have been a welcome sight. Unfortunately, it was a Daihatsu K-car, driven by their head of PR and all-around odd-jobber, Tricen. He was a terrible driver, heavy-handed with the brakes and the gas in a way that made Seiya carsick.
Back when he was a child actor, Seiya frequently traveled around the city in a Benz or a Lexus... But ah, well. If it meant that he didn’t have to sit next to his mother, it was an improvement.
“So? What did the teacher have to say?” Isuzu asked once the car was in motion, and after she’d finished explaining his schedule.
“Just what I thought,” he told her. “She got on my case about my attendance.”
“...It’s true that if you continue to take absences at your current rate, you may be locked in to repeating the year before the first term is over,” Isuzu said, as she checked the schedule table on her smartphone.
“She mentioned that, too,” he admitted.
“If such a result is already assured, it might be preferable for you to take a proper furlough,” she advised. “You could devote yourself to office work as early as tomorrow.”
“That’s a pretty heartless thing to say...” Seiya mused. But at the same time, he quickly realized he wasn’t actually angry about it. Maybe Isuzu was right.
He didn’t especially enjoy going to school. He had no friends there; breaks between classes were excruciating; his classes weren’t interesting at all.
“But,” he concluded, “I don’t want to take a furlough.”
“Why not?”
“Because it means I’d have to go back eventually.”
“I see,” said Isuzu.
If he took a furlough, he’d end up never wanting to come back. Most people would rebel at the idea of having to take classes with people a year younger than them at a school they had no real attachment to.
“What if I just quit entirely? Then, once things at the park are straightened out, I could take the high school equivalency test. I’m certainly smart enough to pass it.”
“A common path for those who find high school life unsatisfying,” Isuzu commented. “But isn’t the equivalency test rather difficult?”
“Easier than drawing three million people to a crappy amusement park.”
“......” Isuzu fell silent. Seiya had meant it as a joke, but it may have sounded to her like a recrimination—like he was accusing them of ruining his life.
“Ah... this humble Tricen finds that idea a bit extreme...” the driver Tricen said, speaking up for the first time. “Quitting school, that is. We could never ask you to take so drastic an action.”
Oh-ho? Seiya thought. Is this a way of covering for my misstep? Not bad at all, Tricen.
“We know very well that we cannot afford to rely on you indefinitely. We are working as hard as we can. Ah, yes. I, the humble Tricen, shall work my own fingers to the bone to ensure that you can enjoy a comfortable school life, if you will only be patient for now...”
Ah, never mind.
At first, Seiya thought about not saying anything—maybe this was just the mascot’s way of expressing friendship. But then, this wasn’t really acceptable behavior from his head of PR, so he decided to speak up after all. “Um... look, this isn’t really a problem that can be solved with ‘I’ll do my best’ kind of talk, Tricen. Did you really think I was going to light up and say, ‘Gosh, thanks, I’m counting on you!’? Do you think your fantasy of ‘working my fingers to the bone’ is going to accomplish anything?”
“Oh, well, I—”
“It won’t, idiot!” Seiya fumed. “You’ll ‘work your fingers to the bone’ in stupid ways that will literally grind the park down! There’s nothing worse than a diligent fool. If you want to break your fingers that badly, go put them in a vise!”
“Hmm. What a cruel thing to say. I, the humble Tricen, am in no way diligent... I am simply a fool, so there is no need for concern.”
“That just makes it worse! ...Ah, forget it. Just keep your eyes on the road, you weird reptile!”
“Hmm. Weird reptile, you say? I’ll have you know that I am a dinosaur, which, according to recent studies, are more closely related to birds.”
“I get it, just dri—Did you just cross on a red?!”
The company car plowed through a rather large intersection, ignoring the signal. Tricen had nearly caused a major accident. “Hmm? Oh, forgive me... I hunch over in shame for my inattention...”
Seiya was starting to think seriously about getting his motorcycle license. Stashing a motorcycle near the school and commuting that way would be safer than being driven around like this.
“But if you truly are thinking about quitting school,” Tricen said, after an all-too-brief window of focusing on his driving, “I would advise you to consult with Latifah-sama first. After all, she is the park’s chief executive. Surely you would not make future plans without consulting your employer first.”
“Why are you telling me things that are obvious?” But he understood what he was getting at.
“I agree,” Isuzu chimed in. “I’m sorry that we’ve forced you into such a difficult decision, but you really should speak with the princess first.”
“I will not allow it!” Latifah, chief executive of AmaBri, shouted defiantly from the rooftop of Maple Castle.
Her usually kind, reassuring air was nowhere to be found. Her voice was blunt and harsh. If she hadn’t been blind, she almost surely would have had her eyes locked furiously on Seiya.
It was around midnight. It had been an eventful day, and he had visited her just before she retired. Still, her response had been swift and unflinching.
Incidentally, Seiya was alone with Latifah here; Isuzu had demurred. Latifah had no need to call on her full gravitas as the princess of Maple Land here, but still, her bearing was formidable. It appeared that this was a matter she would not compromise on.
“Although I do not remember choosing you with my revelation, the moment I learned that I had, I swore that I would never ask you for any unreasonable sacrifices—that I would rather see the park die than to destroy your way of life. Why do you think that is?”
“Oh... well... I don’t really know...” Seiya stammered out. For some reason, he could never be his usual cocksure self in front of her.
“Because if we were to destroy a life through our own incompetence, then we would lose all right to gather up dreams. Our happiness must not be built on the unhappiness of another. That... that is one principle on which I shall not waver. Therefore... if staying with us means that you must quit school, then I would sooner remove you from your position here.” Her voice broke. “Of course, that is not what I want. I depend upon you greatly. But, but...” She was on the verge of tears. “Such things are not worth... ruining your life...”
“Okay, I get it. Calm down already,” Seiya patted her shoulders soothingly. He’d normally just use a gesture, but unfortunately, she couldn’t see his body language—This inevitably put them physically closer toge
ther. “I wouldn’t exactly call this ‘ruining my life.’ It’s just high school. It’s not the end of the world.”
“But Kanie-sama, I... I...”
“Things aren’t at that point yet. I just wanted to get your advice.”
“But... but...”
“So don’t get too worked up,” he advised her. “It was an option I was considering, and I wanted to know what you think. That’s all.”
Latifah put a soft hand on his chest and whispered, as downcast as could be: “...You will not quit?”
“No. I won’t quit.”
“Really?” she pressed. “You truly will not?”
“I said I wouldn’t. Quit worrying.” He felt a sudden urge to squeeze her hands. Her fingers were smooth and delicate. If someone with fingers like these was truly wishing for his happiness, then that was something he needed to respect. His happiness was in no way connected to high school, of course... but still, he didn’t want to give her any reason to worry about him.
“...Very well,” Latifah said, finally seeming reassured. “Forgive me. It seems that even my concern is a burden to you.”
“Hmph. The burden is within tolerable levels.”
“Thank you very much.” She smiled a bit sadly. “It is because of moments like these that I find you so wonderful, Kanie-sama.”
“...Oh, come on. Don’t tease me.”
“I am not teasing you. I am merely stating what I feel. Kanie-sama, you are wonderful.”
“Stop it.” He had tried to sound irritated, but his performance had probably failed, because Latifah giggled and showed no sign of being hurt. “I should be going,” he sighed. “I have lots of things to do tomorrow.”
“Very well,” Latifah agreed.
Suddenly feeling restless, Seiya beat a swift retreat from the rooftop garden.
The next day—
“Kanie-kun! Rejoice! We’ve solved your attendance problem, ron!” He was in his office staring at his laptop when Macaron burst in unannounced. Macaron was a woolly sheep-like mascot, a once-divorced Fairy of Music. For some reason, he was carrying a Tsugaru-shamisen.
“Knock, would you?” Seiya asked. “…And where’s my secretary? Why’d she let you through?”
“Isuzu-chan is helping with the morning garbage run, ron.”
That’s not a secretary’s job. What the hell is she thinking? Out loud, Seiya asked: “So, what do you want?”
“I’m telling you, we’ve solved your problem, ron! You need more attendance days, right?”
“Well, yes...” The truth was, Seiya was taking off from school again, the very day after Ms. Konoike scolded him for it. She was probably feeling very disappointed in him right about now.
“Hence the good news! Watch this, ron!”
Isuzu entered the room behind Macaron. She was dressed in her usual park uniform, but there was something strange about her expression. She was smiling brightly.
“...I thought you went to the garbage dump,” Seiya said suspiciously.
“I just returned,” Isuzu responded.
“......Ah-hah.”
“What do you think, Kanie-kun?” she asked. “Don’t I look wonderful?”
“...What are you talking about?”
“Now, don’t you worry your little head about it. Well, Kanie-kun? I’m Isuzu-sa~~n in every way, aren’t I? I’m your secretary, we go to the same school, and you’d know me anywhere, right?”
“...?” Well, it was spring; he’d heard a lot of people went loopy in spring. Even so, that didn’t explain the extent of Isuzu’s bizarre behavior.
“He’s freaking out, ron.”
“He really is.”
Isuzu and Macaron snickered to each other.
“Now, Kanie-kun...” She wiggled her hips as she walked up to Seiya. She unbuttoned her suit jacket and pressed her ample chest against him.
“H-Hey... Mmgh...”
“I can’t bear being only your secretary anymore,” she simpered. “If things get too hard, you’ll let me know, won’t you? I’ll just do anything to help... Because I... I...” Isuzu leaned closer, cheeks flushed. Her breath was hot. Her eyes were dewy. What the hell was going on?!
“W-Wait,” Seiya said, drawing back. “Sento. You know I’m busy now, right? I don’t understand why you’re helping Macaron tease me... you’re not usually this frivolous...”
“Don’t worry about Macaron,” she told him. “Focus on me right now, Kanie-kun.”
“Get a grip, Sento!”
“I’m just as embarrassed as you are, you know. Don’t run anymore, Kanie-kun...” Isuzu’s lips drew nearer.
“H-Hey...”
“Did you think I was Isuzu-chan? Too bad! It was mii!” Isuzu shouted suddenly as she threw off her clothes. Actually, it wasn’t her clothes—she threw off her entire self. There was a strange “zwiiiip” sound, and in a flash, the one standing in front of him had become Tiramii.
“What?!”
“Gwa... Gwahahahahaha!” Tiramii and Macaron both burst out laughing. They held their stomachs and pounded on the desk, waving around the “empty shell” of Isuzu.
“What? Wh-What the...” Seiya was dumbfounded.
Tiramii snickered, then offered him the shriveled shell. “It’s a Gulley Suit, mii!”
“...What the heck is that?”
“What do you think?” the mascot cackled. “It’s a magic item that lets you look like someone else, ron. You saw them at my attraction earlier, remember? The Mogute Clan wore them to become those burly street dudes.”
“Ahh...” That was right. He had seen it in the upgrade to Macaron’s Music Theater. Those tiny Mogutes had been wearing body suits that turned them into macho men.
“It’s a type of costume, mii. They let you disguise as anything, unbound by the physique of the person inside!”
“It used to be that you couldn’t mimic specific individuals, ron. But the Mogute Clan altered the technology to integrate 3D model data. Now you can look exactly like someone else!”
The Mogutes again, eh? They were quite a skilled bunch. Seiya’s choice to hire them was paying off even more than expected.
“But it takes a lot of pricey rare earths, so they can’t mass produce them, mii.”
“This Isuzu-chan suit was a prototype. We used Tiramii’s massive photo gallery to make it, ron. Unfortunately, it only mirrors the parts seen in the photos, so we didn’t have a model for her bare boobs...”
“I just used my imagination to fill in the blanks, mii. I made them just the size I like, too. See?”
“They’re too big, ron. And they’re weirdly shiny, too. Who do you think you are, Shirow Masamune?”
“But the color...”
“Yeah. We’re agreed on the color, ron.”
Restraining a headache—and more or less having caught up to speed—Seiya spoke up. “Um, so... what does this magical suit have to do with getting my attendance up?”
“We have enough material to make about one more prototype, ron. And if we use it to make a Kanie-kun costume...!”
“Ahh...”
“It’ll be the perfect stand-in! Then we just need to get cast members with nothing better to do to attend class disguised as you, mii!”
“Hmm...” Yes, Seiya thought, I get the drift of what they’re saying. But at the moment, the greater issue was the real Sento Isuzu, who was standing behind them with her musket drawn. Ah, she’s mad. Her expression is blank, but I can see the aura of rage around her. Don’t blame me. I’m a victim in all of this.
Finally realizing where Seiya was looking, Macaron and Tiramii turned around. When they saw Isuzu there, they whispered “Oh...” in perfect unison.
“I-Isuzu-chan... how long have you been there, mii?”
“From the part where you used those disgraceful lines to attempt to seduce Kanie-kun.”
“Th-That was pretty far back, mii...”
“Th-That’s a long time to be eavesdropping. Not polite, ron...”
Isuzu snatc
hed away the deflated costume. She then glanced at the chest area, and in a barely audible whisper said, “They’re not that big...”
“H-How’s the color?” Tiramii asked. It was a bold question.
“Shut up,” she snarled. “Anyway, it’s time that I killed you. Ready?”
“...B-Bring it on!” The two mascots faced their deaths resolutely—probably because they knew that running away tended to result in far more tragic outcomes.
Isuzu left the two dead mascots in the infirmary, shut away the costume of herself somewhere or other, then returned to Seiya’s office. Moffle, having overheard the commotion, had come with her.
“...Well, it’s not the worst plan I’ve ever heard, fumo,” said Moffle, folding his arms after hearing the circumstances. “Loath as I am to admit it, the park needs Seiya, but at the same time, he does have to go to school, fumo. And seeing as he doesn’t have any friends, it’d probably be easy for a substitute to get through the day if they kept their head down.”
“Hey!” Seiya objected. “I... I have friends...”
“No, you don’t. Not one,” Isuzu intoned, mercilessly.
“Ugh...”
“Then that’s fine, fumo. I think Macaron and Tiramii’s plan is worth a try, myself. What do you think, fumo?”
“I agree,” Isuzu said, grudgingly. “It’s the best idea we have at the moment. Even if it’s not possible to get a stand-in for all of your days, if we can just get you as many as possible... I think it would work.”
“Hmm...” Well, It was logical enough. It was true that, lately, he’d been talking to people even less frequently than before. If all they had to do was keep their head down and show up for classes, a stand-in could probably work. Pop quizzes might be a problem, but that was a risk worth taking—it wasn’t as if he was trying to get a college referral, so all he needed was enough credits to graduate.
And either way, I’m incredibly smart. It’s trivial for me to keep up with school lessons. ......Although in reality, his grades in a number of his subjects had been slipping lately. It wasn’t unusual to see such “ex-prodigies”—students who were untouchable in middle school that abruptly started to struggle in high school classes. This was because high school material tended to require effort that basic intelligence couldn’t compensate for. Even so, he told himself, he could probably still handle it.
