by Shouji Gatou
“Oh, yeah. I have a special physique,” said Macaron dismissively. “It used to get me on ‘Believe it or Not’ type shows all the time... I’m fine. It’s really just a party trick.”
“Oh, I... I see.” Tsuchida-san seemed to calm down.
He couldn’t believe she had accepted that explanation; she seemed to be a little less than “all there.”
“But, um... I’m sorry for getting you mixed up in this,” she apologized nervously. “You haven’t done anything wrong...”
“Hey, no big deal. We all make mistakes, ron.”
“But...”
“But if I can give you a word of advice...” He pulled out a Marlboro and lit it with a snap of his 100 yen lighter. He must have made it look so natural that Tsuchida-san didn’t even try to scold him. “For things like this, ron, sometimes it pays to get a mediator involved. When you’ve just got the aggrieved shouting at each other, it’s always going to come down to emotional arguments. You’ll end up going around and around on problems when you could be solving them. So... Terano-san, was it? Get a third party to join you and talk it out at a cafe or something. Choosing a place with lots of people around will help you to stay calm.”
“R-Right...”
“No, I mean it,” said Macaron. “Before my ex and I divorced, we’d ask our best friend to join us, ron. ...Well, we weren’t able to reach a compromise over child custody, so we had to get lawyers involved, but still.”
“What?” asked Tsuchida, obviously shocked. “Divorce? Child custody?”
“Life’s complicated, ron. Forget I said that. ...Well, goodbye.” He rubbed out his cigarette in his pocket ash tray and turned to leave.
“Um, Kanie-kun!” she called.
Macaron stopped. “What?”
“Th-This has been... alarming in a lot of ways, but... thank you. Because I really wasn’t sure... what to do before. Thank you very much.” Tsuchida-san bowed deeply in gratitude.
Feeling a bit embarrassed, Macaron waved her away like he was swatting flies. “Stop that. You’ll devalue yourself, bowing like that.”
“R-Right!” Tsuchida-san straightened up, her eyes shining like a maiden in love.
Macaron quickly strode away, wondering if he had made a terrible mistake. Well, whatever, ron. It’s out of my hands after today...
That night, in the park after closing—
“And that’s all for your report?” Isuzu asked, standing in front of Macaron and Tiramii. Macaron had been that day’s fill-in, and Tiramii would be tomorrow’s, which was why they were both present. “You tried to go to the nurse’s office in fourth period and the gym teacher chewed you out in the guidance office. That’s the main point I’m concerned about, but you’re saying there weren’t any other problems?”
“That’s what I’m saying, ron.”
“Really?” she sounded doubtful. “That was really the only problem you had?”
Macaron (back in his two-heads-tall form by now) gazed at Isuzu carefully.
“...What?” she asked.
“...Nothing,” Macaron said. “I had absolutely no problems regarding anything you told me in your report yesterday.”
“......” She sensed a slight edge to his tone, but she didn’t feel like pursuing it.
“Anyway, Tiramii. Good luck tomorrow, ron.”
“Sure! Leave it to mii!” Tiramii said, patting his cute little pouch.
His confidence, though, just made Isuzu nervous. “You appear to be looking forward to this,” she said.
“Yeah. High school, huh... That really takes me back, mii,” Tiramii whispered, gazing into the distance. “You know Hoppy-Popple Garden High in Maple Land, mii? That’s my alma mater.”
“Ohh? That’s a famous prep school, ron. I’m surprised you came out of such a reputable institution. ...Wait a minute. Wasn’t that place on the news because it burned down, ron?”
Now that Macaron mentioned it, Isuzu had heard of that school too. “I was too young at the time to understand all the details, but I believe I recall hearing about it.”
“Yeah,” Tiramii admitted, “that was mii.”
“......” Isuzu didn’t know what to say.
“See, growing pot was all the rage in the horticulture club back then, mii. But the teachers were about to sniff out our stash, so I rushed to burn it all behind the school building, mii. But the fire jumped to some nearby fertilizer... it really freaked everyone out! I mean, I was really, really sorry...” Tiramii reminisced, his already adorable eyes growing bigger and rounder than usual.
“Not even I went that far, ron... And what kind of Fairy of Flowers grows pot?”
“Pot’s not that big a deal, mii. I hear certain creators take frequent trips to the Netherlands to indulge, mii.”
“Well, it’s legal to smoke it over there... but bear in mind that I’m still a member of the royal guard,” Isuzu whispered to herself as she listened to their conversation, eyes unfocused. The royal guard was part of Maple Land’s law enforcement body, which meant she had the authority to arrest criminals.
“If you’re talking about the arson, the statute of limitations expired, mii. Plus nobody was injured, and it let them rebuild the old school that was falling apart, so all’s well that ends well, mii.”
“Please do not burn down Kanie-kun’s school,” Isuzu requested.
“Don’t worry, mii! I’ll have a totally normal, unremarkable day!” Tiramii declared, slapping his plush hand against his chest.
“I hope this will be all right...” she muttered.
Despite Isuzu’s concerns, Tiramii was keeping a surprisingly low profile. He spent his time in class messing around on his smartphone, sending flirty texts to married women. Most of the women didn’t text back, sadly, but he was still having fun.
Even Tiramii knew that Kanie Seiya was important to the park. He wouldn’t dream of using Seiya’s body to hit on girls at school. Well... Actually, he was kind of struggling not to. This was high school, after all. It was full of high school girls, and Tiramii liked his women anywhere from three to ninety-nine.
Moffle had once called him the “Sexual Area 51,” a reference to the size of the field Ichiro used to play during his time with the Mariners in jersey 51. (Of course, that didn’t guarantee that anyone would send hits in his direction.)
So about halfway through the school day, he’d started getting a little restless.
“Mii... Mii... Mii...” he whispered. It was lunch break at the moment. He was in a corner of the courtyard, watching the girls come and go, moaning in his mind.
She’s cute, mii. She’s got a nice ass, mii. So does she, and so does she! Maybe we could all engage in some ‘extracurricular activities’ together... Hmm. Puffin’ good in the neighborhood...
Just then, his smartphone vibrated. It was an email from Isuzu. 《I expect you’re getting restless around now. I just want to remind you that if you cause any trouble (especially regarding women), I will kill you. Not just that; I will bring you back to life, then shoot you dead again. Over and over, repeatedly. (^0^)/》 As usual, Isuzu had attached a strange emoji to her text. Did she actually even know what those were for? Well, that aside...
“Isuzu-chan... impressive, mii.” She really knew how his mind worked. While feeling a slight chill down his spine, Tiramii typed his response. 《It’s okay, mii. I’ll be good and warmed up by the time you come by, mii》
Drat. The auto-correct had kicked in. He meant to send “I’ll be good all day, mii” but he had ended up sending “I’ll be good and warmed up by the time you come by, mii.”
Isuzu’s reply came instantly. 《Is that supposed to be a joke? Or is it a threat?》
No, that’s not right. That’s not what I—《I made a mistake, mii. Just relax and give my naughty tail a tickle.》 Ahhh. Another unintended message. He had meant to type “Just relax and leave everything to mii,” but the auto-correct had terrible lag, which meant it didn’t change the words until just before he sent the message. Puff!
Another reply from Isuzu. 《Even if you don’t cause trouble, I may have to shoot you dead anyway.(`;ω;’)ﾌﾞｸッ》 Ahhh. She really was mad. And what was with that emoji?
Tiramii sent another email, desperately trying to correct the misunderstanding. 《I didn’t mean that! My smartphone’s auto-erotic asphyxiation is never off the table, mii.》 No! Why did that happen when he tried to type “auto-correct”? 《Anyway, it’s a misunderstanding, mii. I’ll explain afterwards I’ll puff you on the table, too.》 No! He was trying to type “I’ll explain after I get back, okay?”
“Mii... mii! Oh, darn it. I just need to reboot the thing, mii...” he muttered to himself. He was about to hit the phone’s power button when he was interrupted by a voice from nearby.
“Um, Kanie-kun?”
“Mii?!” He shrieked as he jumped off the bench (looking like Seiya).
The person addressing him was a girl he’d never seen before. She was a second year, but she wasn’t in Seiya’s class, at least.
She was cute. Totally cute. From top to bottom... sizes 80-60-83 or so. Of course... all women are great, no matter what they look like, mii.
“C-Can I help you?” he asked. Deciding he’d worry about his email problem later, he tried to focus on smoothing things over here.
The girl seemed baffled by Tiramii(Seiya)’s odd behavior, but quickly snapped out of it and spoke again, hesitantly. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I’ve really been at my wits’ end... And... um, it might be a strange thing to ask, but I was hoping we could talk for a little bit...”
“Ah, sure. I don’t mind if you don’t...” Tiramii said after clearing his throat. He felt like Seiya didn’t quite speak that way, but no need to sweat the details. Just roll with it, he thought.
“Can we talk here?” she asked.
“Sure, go right ahead.” Tiramii was sitting on a weatherworn bench next to a flowerbed in the courtyard. He slid over to make room, and the girl sat down right next to him. “Okay. You’re, um...”
“Yes?” she asked.
“Um, your name,” Tiramii bleated. “What was it again?”
An expression of clear disappointment appeared on her face. “Tsuchida Kanae. Did you forget it already?”
Hmm, maybe I was too blunt. Well, no helping it. You can still recover, mii. Stay positive! “Of course not. I could never forget you.” He leaned in close to her. His usual move was to say it teasingly with his cute Pomeranian face. But since he had Kanie Seiya’s face right now, he decided not to do that. Instead, he thought, he should say it more like a host club server. Yes. “I just like hearing you say your own name.”
“Huh?” Tsuchida was perplexed.
“Hey, say it one more time,” Tiramii coaxed. “What’s your name?”
“Tsu... Tsuchida... Kanae,” she said, blushing.
“Mm... it really is wonderful. The vowels. The consonants. I could listen to you say it all day.” He whispered it into her ear, and her cheeks turned red.
“P-Please don’t tease me...” she requested.
“Heh... I can’t help it,” Tiramii told her. “After all, you’re such a little cutie. How can I not tease and bully you?”
“Um, um, um...”
“There are so many people here. Shall we move somewhere else?” He put his arm smoothly around her shoulders. She twitched, then silently nodded.
Yes! I don’t know what’s going on, exactly, but it looks like Kanie-kun is a man of sin too, mii. He’d said he didn’t have any friends, but I guess that bastard’s got them where it counts! So if I’m going to keep up my mission to do things like “normal Kanie-kun” would, I’ve got to satisfy this woman, mii!
He took her hand and started to walk, but she still seemed a bit disoriented.
“U-Um... where are we going?” she asked.
“Heh heh... I told you, didn’t I?” Tiramii leered. “A place where we can have a little fun.”
“Huh?! But... but...”
“No need to fear. I’ll teach you everything you need to know, mii.”
“M-Mii?” she questioned.
“I said... I’ll teach you everything you need to know. Okay?”
“U-Um... r-right...”
Wow, she’s coming along! I didn’t peg her for such a phore, mii. I’ll really have to give her the works! But where was he going to take her? They were in high school, right? His immediate thoughts were the gym warehouse or the nurse’s office... But in real life, those places would probably be locked up tight.
Hmm? Just then, he remembered the door to the roof. This school didn’t allow access to the roof, so they used the landing at the top of the staircase to store unused desks and chairs. Which meant people generally didn’t ever go there. I could probably get some puffin’ good private time with her there, mii...
“Um... Kanie-kun... You...”
“What?”
“You seem kind of... different from yesterday. I...”
“You’re nervous?”
She hesitated for a moment, then nodded.
Ah, of course. It was Macaron yesterday. Knowing that guy, he’d probably given her some nonsense lecture that reeked of old man. “That was me yesterday. This is me today. There’s nothing strange about it, mii.”
“B-But you’re so... aggressive,” she protested. “It just doesn’t feel like you...”
“Heh...” he breathed. “But don’t you want to know the real me?”
“Um, ah...”
“Don’t worry. Just come along. I’ll show you some great sights, mii.” He put his arm around her waist and massaged her lightly with his fingers. She trembled, and her expression melted. Whispering things like “You’re so cute” and “My little kitten,” Tiramii led her up the stairs. It’s so easy, mii! It’s never been this easy before! Appearances really are everything, huh? Maybe I’ll borrow this suit again, mii!
Eventually they arrived on the landing just before the door to the roof (in practice, a store room). But there was already someone else there. “K-Kanie-senpai?” It was Chujo Shiina, who had been eating lunch by herself. She had started working part-time in the park in April. She was a shrimpy little thing who looked like she was in elementary school, but she was actually a first year here. She seemed shocked by the sight of Tiramii (Seiya) with a girl—and holding her so close, at that.
“Hey, Shiina-chan,” Tiramii greeted her.
“Y-You’re coming to school again today?” Shiina asked. “...And who is that girl?”
“Hah. Don’t ask such insensitive questions, mii. We’re gonna have some fun here, so give us a little space, okay?”
“K-Kanie-kun...” As she dithered, he breathed onto her ear. She looked like she might faint right there.
“Ah...” Shiina didn’t know what to do.
“You know, that kind of thing,” Tiramii purred. “It’s okay. I’ll make time for you later, Shiina-chan.”
Shiina started trembling violently, then threw her lunch box at Tiramii (Seiya)’s face.
“Mii?!”
“So forward! I mean... so humiliating!” she shouted, then bolted down the stairs. Soon enough, Shiina was out of sight.
Tiramii muttered while picking rice off his chest, “Mii... That was an unusual reaction. I figured she’d just say ‘um, sorry!’ and run off.”
“Kanie-kun... who was that girl?” the girl with him asked. Her tone had changed; now it was neutral and chilly.
“Hmm? Oh, never mind that. Right now, this world is for the two of us alone. We’re about to cross a lot of dangerous bridges, mii...”
“You know, that ‘mii’ thing has been bothering me this whole time,” she said accusatorally.
“Don’t sweat the copula! Now, are you ready? I’ve got a technique that will send you to heaven...” He tried to pull her tightly to him. But she remained immovable, and shoved aside Tiramii(Seiya)’s lips as they drew near.
“Excuse me,” she said firmly. “This doesn’t make any sense. That first year... Shiina?
Just what kind of relationship do you have with her?”
“She’s just a co-worker,” Tiramii tried to explain. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Don’t tell me not to worry about it! What’s going on here? She was mad at you, wasn’t she? Are you two-timing her? I don’t want to be a part of this!”
“No, no! You’re the only girl for mii right now. C’mon, close your eyes. Do you see the ray of light in the darkness? That’s me. Relax, and I’ll handle everything...”
“Huh? But...”
Just then, he heard a buzzing sound. The smartphone in his pocket was vibrating. He took it out to glance at it, and the girl snatched it away.
“Let me see that,” she demanded.
“Ah.”
Tiramii had his phone set to display the text of incoming emails. As a result, this was what the girl saw: 《Sento Isuzu: We’re going to have a nice, long talk tonight. Be ready. (*`▽’*)》
What’s with that emoji, mii?!
“...What does she mean, ‘tonight’?” the girl asked suspiciously.
“Mmm. She means I need to make my report for work...”
“And Sento Isuzu? Isn’t that the girl they’ve been spreading rumors about with you? Are you with her as well as that Shiina girl?”
“Hmm... That’s not really... look, it’s a complicated situation, mii.” Puff. Things are going south fast!
“I think I had the wrong idea about you,” she concluded. “I thought you were a more honorable person than this...”
“H-Honorable? Talk about getting the wrong idea, mii...”
“But, Kanie-kun, I think you’re actually a playboy. And I’m not the kind of girl to mess around with someone like that.”
“It’s not messing around! I’m serious about you, way serious! I’ll treasure you!”
“Then tell me. What’s my name?”
“Er.” After all that, she still remembered their initial interaction? Never let your guard down around women, mii! Let’s see, Tsu... da? It started with tsu, right? Or was it chi? And her first name... Hanae? Honae? There’s a ‘na’ in the middle, right? “O-Of course I remember, mii. Um... Tsu... Tsu...”
