“Just think of all the benefits of joining the Axis Church: You’ll become a superlative performer, undead monsters will fall head over heels for you, and more!”
…One of those things sounded like a potential problem.
The voices I was hearing belonged to two young women. They were shouting at the top of their lungs at everyone they could find, but they didn’t seem to be getting much out of it.
“I guess it’s a tough crowd around here…,” I said to myself, looking out at the city of Arcanletia. Everyone who walked by seemed to be carrying expensive, elaborate equipment, and they all seemed to be rough types. I guess that’s what comes of being in a place that caters to veteran adventurers. I didn’t think there was anyone who would be looking for a newbie like me.
“Oh, you there! The girl who looks like she doesn’t have any friends! You seem to be down on your luck, but join the Axis Church and your luck might change!”
“‘D-down on my luck’…? U-um, you mean I might actually make some friends…? Well… S-sorry, I’m looking for someone right now. Tell me all about it some other time!”
That meant that in order to make the money I needed, I would have to find some menial work somewhere, and…
“…?!”
I sat up with a start. I thought I had just heard a very familiar voice somewhere behind me. I turned around, but I didn’t see any sign of that girl with whom I had spent so many long years arguing. It was just the two Axis followers, trying to get converts.
Maybe I had subconsciously started to rely too much on that girl. I blushed, a little embarrassed.
…Oops, this wouldn’t do. This was no time to be worried about what other people were up to; I had to find a job. I had never succeeded in holding down work in Crimson Magic Village, but I figured the village was a special case. All the jobs in my hometown assumed you could use advanced magic, and that was why I’d had trouble. Harvesting vegetables had involved no magic at all, and I’d been perfectly capable of that. If Funifura and Dodonko hadn’t started the fight at that restaurant, I might even have kept my waitressing job.
There could be but few modes of employment to which the greatest genius of the Crimson Magic Clan was not suited.
Or at least, that was what I kept telling myself as I set off to commence my job search in this new town.
2
“You’re fired.”
“P-please, sir! Don’t fire me—I can explain!”
“Oh? Let’s hear it.”
I was in the staff room of a pub, begging the owner to let me keep my job. This was my tenth place of employment since arriving in Arcanletia. I couldn’t let myself be fired again.
“One of the customers—when he saw me, he thought I was still a minor, and he said, ‘You shouldn’t be here, little girl. Go back to your mommy,’ and tried to chase me out.”
“Hmm, I see.” The owner nodded.
…I might just swing this!
“And then, you see, I said to the customer, ‘Who do you think you’re calling a little girl? I wonder… Just what were you looking at when you made the assumption that I was a child?’ And he said, ‘Well, your height…your bust…and everything else!’ It was so outrageous that I just happened to drop the hot noodles I was holding over him.”
“You’re fired.”
“Sir, pleeeeeease!”
It had been an entire week since I’d been transported to this town. I had been through job after job, and yet, I had hardly done any work. Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for gainful employment. Me—a known genius!
“I-I’m not finished yet… I may have been through every café, bar, and restaurant in town, but there have to be other industries to work in…! Yes, I’ve simply had bad luck so far…!”
I wove my way through the bustling street, trying to psych myself up. Forget the carriage fee. I hadn’t even made enough to feed myself. This would be my second day without a meal. I was scraping the bottom of my money pouch, sleeping in a stable.
This was not the adventurer’s life I’d imagined. I wasn’t even adventuring; I was just striking out at one eatery after another. But when I tried to think of some other work I could do…
“…You certainly seem to be eating every day. Where in the world do you go to get food?” I asked Chomusuke, sweeping her up in my arms and sitting on a street corner. I didn’t know where her meals were coming from, but at least she didn’t seem to be starving. Whatever she was eating, I would have been happy to share it. I wondered if I might be able to beg for a meal at the same place she got hers.
Just as I was thinking these dangerously animalistic thoughts, slumped over with my tummy rumbling, a scream pierced the air…
“Argh! How could you do this to a poor, helpless woman? You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“Wh-why, you…!”
“You dare try to turn this on us? Hurry up and…!”
It sounded like a defenseless young woman in the grip of some lusty young men.
This… This would not stand!
I dove for the commotion, opening my cape with a flourish. “Stop right there!”
“““?!”””
All three of them froze, startled by the unexpected intrusion.
The young woman got her wits about her first. “Help me, please! These men said, ‘Gee, whatta cute face! Is that an invitation? Walkin’ around town with a hot bod like that, can’t be surprised by whatever happens to ya!’ And then they tried to drag me off somewhere!”
““W-we did not say that!”” the men exclaimed instantly, but I took one look at the situation and knew who to believe…!
“My name is Megumin! Greatest genius of the Crimson Magic Clan and wielder of Explosion! Heh, now that I’m here, you won’t get away with your villainy!”
“Wait, you’re from the Crimson Magic Clan?! H-hold on just a minute—there’s been a mistake! We’re the victims here!”
“D-don’t be so hasty! Let’s talk this through!” The men practically jumped out of their skin.
“I think not! Your lies may deceive the average dimwit, but my crimson eyes can see the truth!”
“Your crimson eyes are blind!”
“He’s right! We’re from the local Eris Church, and… Huh?! O-oh, shoot!”
The young woman had taken this opportunity to make her escape.
…Eris Church?
“What’s wrong with you? That woman’s with the Axis Church! She drew graffiti all over our statue of Lady Eris!”
…Uh-oh.
“And she stole the bread we provide to the needy!”
I knew this town was the home base of the Axis Church. I had heard that there were a lot of strange people in that religion, but I had no idea they lived such carefree lives…
“G-g-goodness, I am sorry about that… I-I’m new in town, and…”
As I babbled, the two Eris priests closed in on me…
But then I heard it.
“There, Officer, that’s them!”
I turned toward the shout and saw the woman from the Axis Church. And with her was…
“My God! I normally ignore half of what any Axis follower says, but those Eris priests really are trying to attack a young girl…!”
…a man who appeared to be a police officer.
“Huh?! We don’t know what that Axis lady said to you, but we didn’t do anything!”
“Th-that’s right! We were just trying to get our hands on the Axis priestess who graffitied our statue!”
The priestess turned to the officer. “Did you hear that? That poor, underage girl isn’t enough for them! They want me, too!”
“Listen here, priests! I want to ask you two a few questions!”
““Yiiikes!””
As the police officer went after the Eris priests, the young woman rushed over to me. “You’re safe now! You must have been so frightened. Come on—now’s our chance!”
“Huh? But those priests…?!” Things were happening so fast, I could hard
ly follow what was going on, but the woman reached out a hand to me.
“What?! You there, Axis priestess and the girl, stop! I have to get your statements…!”
The woman kept a firm grip on my hand.
“C’mon—run! We’re getting out of here!”
“B-but there’s nothing I need to run from…!”
The young woman ignored me and the policeman shouting behind us, and she made a break for it.
“Are you all right? You’re not injured? …Phew, looks like I got there just in the nick of time. That was a close call.”
“What are you talking about? Why are you making it sound like I’m the one who got rescued? Why did I even run away? I didn’t do anything!”
The young woman had dragged me off and now, for some reason, we were hiding in an alley.
“Don’t be silly. You can’t imagine what those Eris priests would have done to you. I mean, you’re adorable and just the petite-est little cherub! I saved you from a terrible fate. Would it kill you to thank me? Incidentally, if you do want to thank me, just sign this confession of faith…”
She was about to pull a piece of paper out of her bag, but I grabbed her hand. “Those people couldn’t have been that bad, could they?! And for your information, I’m not joining the Axis Church! Seriously, why should I have to thank—?”
But just as I was laboring to object, there was a long, loud gurgle from my stomach.
That’s right. I hadn’t eaten for two days; I didn’t have time to be hanging around with some random woman.
“Sounds like you’re pretty hungry,” she said. “Well… Just come with Big Sis. Don’t worry—I won’t bite!”
I didn’t have time to be—
“I’m Cecily, a priestess of the Axis Church,” the woman told me. “You can feel free to call me Big Sis Cecily, okay? Let’s get some nice food and have a good, long talk!”
…She gave me the greasiest smile I’d ever seen, but I decided not to argue.
3
“An underdeveloped shorty…?!”
“It’s…a flat-chested angel… We’ve got a real cherub in the church now!”
“If you speak of my figure one more time, I shall be at your throat! Then you will see what happens when a member of the Crimson Magic Clan really gets angry!”
We were at the headquarters of the Axis Church, where I seemed to be very popular…
“Take it easy, Megumin. Our male devotees are prohibited by local statute from getting anywhere near the city’s children. Surely you can understand how they feel.”
“And what exactly did they do to get a law like that passed against them…?” I asked, backing away from the onlookers.
One devotee brought some food at Cecily’s instruction.
“Here you go! Eat up.”
“…You’re not going to wait until I’m done eating and then insist that I’m now a member of the Axis Church or something, are you?”
“O-oh, of course not. No, I swear on the name of Lady Aqua, I would never do something so incorrigible.”
It was clear that she would and had been about to.
I had started on my meal, keeping one cautious eye on what was happening around me, when an older fellow emerged from inside the church. He had streaks of white in his hair and was accompanied by a woman who looked like a secretary. He was smiling affably. There was something about him—it just seemed like he was no ordinary man.
“Well, well, what an absolutely adorable guest we have. Welcome to our church! I am Zesta, an Arch-priest of this religion.” The man who called himself Zesta gave me a big grin.
“Arch-priest… That’s very impressive. I’m told that not many people are suited to becoming priests, let alone the advanced class of Arch-priest…”
Apparently, my intuition had been correct: He was somewhat unusual.
“Heavens, I’m certainly no more impressive than a member of the Crimson Magic Clan, an entire group of people born with the aptitude for becoming Arch-wizards.” He kept smiling. “Incidentally, Miss. I’m told you’re having certain difficulties finding work. If you wish, we would be happy to lend you a room in our church. Please stay here until you find employment.”
What a compassionate, priestly thing to say. I was immensely grateful. “I really appreciate that. I hate to impose, but I am at the end of my rope… If there’s anything I can do in return, just let me know.”
“Did you say…anything?” Zesta smiled even wider.
Shoot, did I speak too soon? Maybe he would try to force me to join his religion.
“W-well, anything is such a strong word…”
“Hmm, what shall I ask for, then…? Perhaps you could call me Big Broth— No, Dadd—! No, no, no, maybe something involving underwear? Hmm, or tying me to a—”
“Excuse me, but I must confess that I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Whatever it was, though, it was starting to scare me.
“O, Lady Aqua, munificent goddess of goddesses! Guide this lost sheep!”
“I’m sorry.” I turned to the woman beside him. “Could you please tell me about this pervert?”
“That’s not a pervert; that’s Lord Zesta. Everyone expects him to be the next high priest of the Axis Church. He bears more responsibility than anyone else in our religion.”
The increasingly disturbing man in front of me continued to clutch his head and try to decide what to ask for.
“He’s the next high priest? Are you guys sure about that?”
“Respectfully, please. This is Lord Zesta. I know how he looks, but he does come through when it counts. Well… I think we’ll be okay, anyway,” the woman said.
“Lord Zesta,” a believer said, handing some papers to the still-agonizing priest. “I’m sorry to interrupt you when you seem to be having such a good time, but…these are the numbers for this quarter’s religious conversions. Those nefarious Eris villains have been undermining us, and we haven’t been seeing much success…”
“Hrm… That is a problem. How can I face Lady Aqua with numbers like these? Well, I’ve got no choice. Today I’ll make another visit to the Eris Church to harass that beautiful priestess. I’ll be able to blow off some steam and cause trouble at the same time…”
“Hang on a second. You mean you do that sort of thing all the time? So wait, when those Eris followers were chasing you earlier…” I hadn’t really meant to butt in, but when I shot a glance at Cecily, she looked away in a hurry.
I knew that, deep down, they probably weren’t terrible people. But I still suspected they had a couple of screws loose.
“What if we were to try some new ways of getting converts? Like, say we were to pretend to be Eris priests, and when the person agrees to convert, we pass them a confession of faith in the Axis Church to sign…”
“No, then they’d just run away. What if we…?”
The Axis believers in the church began a very dubious conference.
I finished my first meal in what felt like ages and let out a satisfied breath. I took a good look at the people around me and said, “…So you seek a more effective way to gain converts?” I wiped my lips. “Perhaps this calls for the services of the famously brilliant Crimson Magic Clan.”
Zesta and everyone else in the building looked at one another.
4
The next morning.
“Are you certain about this, Megumin? Of course it will be a help to us, but…”
“Consider it my payment for room and board. It’s sure better than having anyone come up with any really bizarre requests…,” I replied to Zesta despite my exhaustion.
Last night had been a nightmare. I had gotten in the bath with the young woman called Cecily, but it had led to a great deal of flirting and ultimately to me being attacked in my bed afterward…
I didn’t think that, deep down, she was a terrible person, but let’s say she had some unconventional preferences. I shook my head to clear away the bad memories, then took another look around the alley wher
e Zesta and I were hiding.
To thank him for giving me a meal and a place to stay, I had offered Zesta several possible ways of winning converts.
“Remember the plan. When someone who looks like an easy target comes by, first, I’ll deliberately drop this bag full of apples,” I said. Zesta nodded. “Then this kind person takes pity on me as I scramble to pick up my groceries, and they help me collect the apples. As thanks, I take them to some nearby café. While we have a friendly chat there, you and some other Axis believers ‘just happen’ to walk by. I introduce you as my friends, you surround the table, and then start threatening—er, I mean preaching to them.”
“Wonderful! Absolutely fantastic! How could it not work?”
I put a finger to my lips to quiet the overenthusiastic priest. Then I peeked around the corner and saw a kind-looking young woman walking by. “See, there? A likely target is here already.”
Perfect. All I had to do now was take my “shopping bag” and stumble in front of her…!
But that’s when it happened.
Zesta grabbed the bag of apples out of my arms and dashed in front of the young woman, theatrically dumping the contents of the bag all over the ground.
“Hey!” For a second, I was frozen with surprise; I could only watch Zesta industriously start to gather up the apples. The young woman, frowning a little, knelt down to help.
“Oh, thank you so much, young lady! I must show my gratitude somehow! I know a wonderful little café down the street!” Zesta, no longer even looking at the apples, started thanking the woman with all his might. I guess she must have been his type. So much so that he had decided to carry out the plan himself.
“N-no, it’s quite all right, sir… Your apples…”
“Forget the apples—let me take you to that café to thank you! Come on! Let’s go right now!”
“Oh, no, it’s fine! I don’t need any thanks! You seem to have things under control, so I think I’ll be going!” Thoroughly terrified by the overzealous Zesta, the young woman sprinted away.
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