by Grace Martin
The son put his hand on his father’s shoulder in a kind of formal embrace. ‘Send me, my Lord King, and I will go. Ask me, Father, and I will go faster.’ The formal embrace narrowed into a hug. I looked down at the unconscious, beaten and bloody wreck of a man in front of me and felt an envy sharper than poison.
The memory faded from view and the prisoner was taken away.
‘So, where does that leave us?’ I asked the Empress quietly. ‘Who is the man in black?’
‘That is what the next memory will show us,’ the Empress replied. ‘I believe I know who he is, but there is only one way to be sure.’ She stood up, went around the table and sat in the chair.
‘Empress, no!’ Garbhan cried, leaping to his feet. The Empress opened her palm towards the Master Librarian and he rocked back into his chair.
‘I knew him better than any of you,’ the Empress said. ‘My memories will be clearer.’
She turned her face up to the ceiling and opened her memories for us to share.
This time, the images moved much faster. They went so quickly that we couldn’t even hear what was being said. We saw the Empress being presented to a King and a Queen. I recognised the Queen at once as the woman who could only be the mother of Aine and Aoife. And her husband was the man in black.
The silence was shattered when Aine cried, ‘No! I don’t believe it! No!’ She ran from the room. With a quick look at the Empress, slumped in the chair where the others had sat, I followed her.
‘Aine, stop!’ I called.
She halted at a window and bent forwards until her forehead rested against the glass. ‘No,’ she said again, but quieter this time. ‘It just can’t be true.’
‘What can’t be true?’
She turned to face me like I’d just asked the most ridiculous question she’d ever heard. ‘That was my father!’ she cried, pointing back to the council chamber.
‘Yes, Aine, we know you had one, so what?’
‘That was my father last week. My father talking about you. My father talking to that Camiri spy in there. My father, who was once the loyal King of Meistria ‒ he is now the Dark King of the Camiri!’
‘Oh.’
‘Yes, oh!’
It wasn’t just that. Something else just fell into place for me. History was going to take a very unexpected turn for Aine sometime soon. All of a sudden, I wasn’t worried about her marriage to Sir Cai. We would overcome that, because Aine had far more important things to do than marry an obscure knight.
‘I’ve never been more ashamed in my life!’ Aine shouted.
‘Why?’
‘Why?’ She practically shrieked it at me. ‘Why? He is the enemy! His forces have harried the borders of the Thousand Counties for the last twenty years! He has killed more of my people than any other enemy!’
‘Your people?’ I asked. ‘I thought the Camiri did your fighting for you?’
Her benevolent activities forgotten, she cried, ‘Why do you think we needed to breed the Camiri in the first place? If he hadn’t kept pushing at our borders then we wouldn’t have needed an army at all! Honestly, Emer, how can you be so ignorant?’ She turned and stormed off.
I sat back on the edge of the window where it was set deep into the stone. We knew where Umbra was now. All we had to do was enter the very heart of the enemy’s territory and steal his most treasured possession.
Sure. Fine.
Chapter Eighteen
I wasn’t feeling very well disposed towards Aine when she knocked on my door later that afternoon. She was very contrite because she wanted my help, and I despised that even more than I thought I would.
‘I’m sorry I shouted at you,’ she said softly, looking down at the floor again.
‘Uh huh.’ I sat back down where I had been reading a book. Kiaran had brought a dozen books with them that might have information in them about how to use the Portal and I was determined to put my time to good use. I flicked through a few pages. ‘Did you want something else?’
‘Um, I had Gwen do my hair for tonight. We need to have our hair done the same way, so that people will think you’re me when we switch dresses.’
‘I’ll see how I feel when the time comes.’
That brought her eyes up. ‘You wouldn’t,’ she gasped.
I shrugged. ‘Like I said, we’ll see how I feel when the time comes.’
‘But Emer, I need you!’
‘But Aine, I don’t need you. And to tell the truth, I’m kind of sick of your family using me for whatever the hell it is they want. I’m not here to fix all your problems for you. I’m not here to fix all your mother’s problems. I don’t actually care. All I really want to do is get away from here and back to my normal life. So, go back and get ready for your wedding. If I’m not as angry later as I am right now, then I’ll have Gwen do my hair to match yours, OK?’
‘Emer…’ She sounded so damned disappointed in me, but I don’t know where she got the idea that I was any different.
‘I’m not the nice one,’ I replied. ‘My sister is the nice one. I’m the one who gets things done. My sister needs me to get back to her. I’m only here doing things for you and your family because I have to get back to Elisabeth. As soon as I can get back to her, then I’m going to leave here. I don’t care if your business with Sir Cai isn’t finished, if your mother has found Umbra, if Aoife’s been eaten or even if your whole damned civilisation falls into ruin and flames. All I care about is getting back to Elisabeth. The only reason I’m helping you is because you’re right in front of me and you’re so damned pathetic that I can’t stand it.’
Well, well. I saw from the look on her face that every barb was aimed true and I was, indeed, not the nice one. She looked around, trying to keep from crying. ‘I see,’ she said quietly. ‘I do understand. Of course, you will do whatever you see fit.’ She straightened up a little. ‘I don’t know why I found this situation with Sir Cai so difficult. I’ve been preparing for it my entire life. I don’t know what else I expected. I apologise for any inconvenience.’
She swept from the room like… like a princess. I turned back to my book and flicked a few more pages and tried not to think about what a rotten, rotten excuse for a human being I was.
I had Gwen do my hair like Aine’s that night. Gwen had prepared the perfect gown for me for the wedding. It was tradition for all unmarried women to wear white to a wedding, as well as the bride, but that held a certain peril for this particular guest. Aine and I were nearly identical, after all. Aine’s dress, I was told, was extravagant, as befitted the wedding dress of a princess. My dress was very simple, a plain sheath of palest violet silk that clung to my every curve. The colour reminded me of Umbra’s crystal. It was going to shock everyone that I was turning up in the wrong colour, but I’d already had a midwife announce to the whole country that I wasn’t a virgin so they would just have to accept that they had gained themselves a shocking Bach Chwaer.
I didn’t get a chance to speak to Aine before the wedding, but we saw each other from a distance. She noticed my hair and mouthed a thank you across the room, before she was swept up into another round of guests demanding her attention.
‘Ever the individual,’ Caradoc murmured. He was behind me and bent his head low, so his breath stirred the little tendrils of hair against my neck.
‘Do you mean, Emer, the Individual?’ I asked, turning. ‘Because I think I could live with a name like that.’
He smiled. I swooned a little and sighed because he was so handsome. He was freshly-shaven and his hair was pulled back into the most respectable style I’d ever seen him wear. His clothes were rich enough to fit a prince and the way he smiled at me made me feel more like a princess than anyone else calling me Bach Chwaer.
‘You look wonderful,’ I whispered.
He laughed and looked around ‒ we were tucked behind a pillar and for the briefest of moments we had privacy. He kissed me quickly, lightly and then smiled at me so sweetly I swooned a little more. ‘You’re
the one who’s beautiful, Emer,’ he whispered.
A blast of trumpets reminded me where I was ‒ and that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. ‘I’ve got to go,’ I said. ‘I’m supposed to stand next to Aine during the ceremony.’
And stand I did until I thought I just might keel over. I’d never been to a wedding before. There was music and lots of pomp and very little of it seemed to make sense. By the end of it, the only thing I was aware of was the fact that my feet hurt.
Aine was pale, but steadfast. At the end of the ceremony she accepted the knight’s kiss meekly while I saw his fingers dig tightly into her waist. The Empress watched the whole thing calmly. I don’t know why I expected her to cry, but I’d been told that women cry at weddings. I’d wondered why people thought that was normal.
Afterwards there was a banquet and dancing. The Empress watched me like a hawk. I sneaked in one dance with Caradoc and the Empress supervised every correct step and turn. I had never danced at a ball before, but Sparrow and I used to dance, singing to ourselves and pretending it was a night much like this one.
It was very different to be in Caradoc’s arms. He seemed so much taller up close and when he put his arm around me, I just wanted to melt against him. The Empress would never tolerate that, so I stayed upright and proper.
It took me a little while to get the hang of letting him lead, to tell the truth. There was so much to distract me. I’d never been so close to him in public for so long. We were allowed to smile at one another and whisper and laugh softly and it was nearly as good as being alone.
When Caradoc returned me to the main table I was probably flushed. The Empress frowned. ‘Don’t let him get too close, Emer,’ she warned.
‘Why not?’ I asked. ‘He isn’t doing anything wrong. It was just a dance.’
‘I don’t want to see your heart broken, my Bach Chwaer,’ she said. ‘You need to be more careful. I know he seems nice, but they all seem nice on the outside.’ My gaze strayed to Sir Cai, sitting beside Aine, but the Empress didn’t notice. ‘I know your head is full of romantic ideas right now, but believe me, when you are faced with the real thing, it won’t be so romantic.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I know what happened to you when you were a girl in Cairnagorn, Emer. I… I know what it’s like. I thought I was in love once. I thought I could be happy and comfortable on my wedding night, but from the moment he touched me all I could think about was what happened when I was a girl. I was married to a King. I had no more choice in my choice of husband than Aine. I thought he was a good man, a gentle man, but when I was alone with him, I learned that all men only care about their own wants.’
‘I didn’t know you were married.’ I didn’t say that I was going to kill Rhiannon for opening her big mouth the next time I saw her, but the thought was in my mind.
‘I wasn’t married for long,’ the Empress said. ‘I decided that I wasn’t going to be abused again, so I took steps. Unfortunately, that meant I could never have children of my own. I was fortunate, in the twilight of my years, to make a friend who was generous enough to allow me to care for her babies after she died.’ She smiled. ‘And, of course, now I have you, Emer.’
Someone else came up to ask me to dance and I said yes gladly. I was happy to be away from that disturbing conversation. To tell the truth, she had frightened me a little bit. I wasn’t a virgin, but my only experiences of sex were painful and intentionally humiliating. And in a way, she was right.
I had been spinning romantic stories in my head, but I’d never connected those stories to reality. I had shared a handful of sweet kisses with Caradoc. Nothing had happened between us to make me think of what had happened to me in Cairnagorn, but what would I do if our relationship progressed? Essentially, Caradoc wanted to do the same things to me that Maldwyn had done. The mechanics were the same. The thought of Caradoc in that situation made me want to throw up.
Like the Empress, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be intimate with a man in that way. She was right. I enjoyed our few sweet kisses, I liked the way he looked at me and I liked that he desired me. If he ever tried to move beyond those few sweet kisses, I didn’t think I could stand it.
After the dance was over, I went outside. The ballroom was surrounded by balconies, crowded with shrubs and hopeful young lovers. And not so young, I realised, as I walked along, trying to find a quiet place to stop and think. The clouds parted and the moon shone on me for a moment. I looked up and sighed as I felt my magic unfurl. I turned myself into a bird and flew up onto the roof where Caradoc had first given me the dragon seeds.
Another bird followed me and changed into Caradoc, sitting on the tiles and grinning at me. I jumped to my feet. If he reached for me here, away from everyone, I was going to push him off the roof.
His grin faded when he realised I was putting a safe distance between us.
‘Emer?’ he asked.
I turned to look away at the horizon. We were up high and I could only just hear the sound of the music from the ball in the distance.
‘Emer, what’s wrong?’ he asked. He stood up and followed me but didn’t touch me. ‘You aren’t afraid of me anymore, are you? You know I wouldn’t hurt you.’
‘Then don’t touch me.’
‘I’m not touching you.’ He held up his hands, as he had when we were in the grotto after Maldwyn had come looking for me. ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of. Emer, I would never hurt you.’
‘Unless it suited you.’
‘What?’ His hands came down. ‘Emer, you must be joking. What on earth put that idea into your head? I have never, ever been violent to you. I’ve never been rough with any woman, ever ‒ unless she was a soldier and had a weapon pointed towards me but that’s hardly the same thing.’
‘There have been lots of women, have there?’
‘Emer, you’re spoiling for a fight. What’s gotten into you?’
‘No one,’ I snapped and watched his eyes go wide at the nasty sally. He drew in a deep breath and, taking a few steps back from me, he sat down on the tiles. I sat, slowly, with my back against a chimney.
He looked out at the night, but I couldn’t take my eyes from him for fear that he might make a sudden move. Sure, I could push him off the roof, if I got lucky. I’d never been more aware of how much bigger than me he was. He was so much stronger than me and although his magic wasn’t the equal of mine, he was used to using his magic for violence. If he made a move on me, my only option would be to jump off the roof.
‘I saw you talking to the Empress,’ he said eventually.
‘So what?’ I replied nastily. ‘Aren’t I allowed to speak to anyone now?’
‘You know that’s not true, Emer. Haven’t you and I always been able to talk to one another? Haven’t we talked about practically anything until tonight? I think the Empress said something to upset you. If you’re upset, then I’m upset. I’m even a bit angry, because no one has the right to ruin our friendship.’
‘I’m sure ruining our friendship wouldn’t be such a concern if you thought I’d never let you touch me. You’d change your mind soon enough, if you thought you were never going to get close to me.’
‘Ah, Emer, you don’t really believe that. I know you don’t. You know that I value you, that I value your friendship. Yes, I’ll be honest,’ he looked away for a moment and his voice dropped to a low, intimate growl, ‘sometimes I want you so much I can’t think straight.’ He turned back to look at me. ‘That doesn’t make my love for you any less. It’s because I love you that I want you. It’s also because I love you that I won’t do anything to frighten you or hurt you.’
‘And what if it turns out that I’ll never be able to let you touch me? What if loving me means that not only can you never be intimate with me, but I’ll kill you if I ever see you with another woman?’
He looked steadily at me. ‘Was it talking to the Empress that upset you or dancing with me?’ he asked, his voice soft but serious. ‘Emer, if I
did anything to frighten you, I swear to God, I didn’t mean it.’
‘I know that.’ I said it automatically and surprised myself, because it was true. I put my hands up to cover my face. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I knew that I’d thrown some hideous accusations at him tonight and I knew that they weren’t true. He had every right to hate me. And yet, I was still so frightened that I couldn’t leave my place by the chimney.
When I looked at Caradoc again, I saw that he was hiding his face, too. He had drawn his knees up and had buried his face in his folded arms that rested on his knees.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. I wanted to cry, but I’d sworn I’d never cry about this again.
That brought his head up. ‘You have nothing, nothing to be sorry about,’ he said fiercely. ‘It was me, I was moving too fast. I thought, when you kissed me after you killed the dragon… I thought you were ready. I kissed you again tonight. I thought you wanted me to kiss you, but maybe I just wanted to kiss you so much I saw what I wanted to see. I held you close when we danced-’
‘Those aren’t crimes, Caradoc. I wanted you to kiss me. I wanted you to hold me close when we danced. I wanted you so much I was breathless with it.’
‘And yet, here we are and you’re so frightened you won’t come within six feet of me. If you pushed yourself against that chimney any harder you’d knock it over.’ His hands were curled into fists. ‘I don’t know what to do with you, Emer. I want to make you happy, but I’m so afraid that I don’t have the right words or the right actions.’
‘You’re afraid?’ I asked, surprised. It had never occurred to me that he would be afraid of anything.
He looked at me like I was mad. ‘Yes, of course I’m afraid. Don’t you know that you being hurt is the thing that frightens me most in the world? If I was the one who hurt you, I’d never forgive myself.’
I knew that was true. I could see it, not just in his words, but in everything he’d ever done since we met. The Empress’ words faded away. Caradoc wasn’t like that. I may not have had a brutal husband, but I was sure that Caradoc would never force me. It didn’t mean I wasn’t still frightened, but I felt calmer.
