by Lynn Lorenz
He gave himself a mental kick. He had no control over Edward. Never had. Never would. Edward was not a dog Jack could train to behave. Edward was Edward.
Jack wasn’t sure if he could ever accept all that Edward was, and without that acceptance, Jack could never claim Edward as his. Edward wasn’t going to change, not to suit Jack or anyone else.
And he shouldn’t have to.
“I need to be going.” Jack smiled as everyone turned to him. Sammi’s eyebrows rose, Mitchell looked as if he’d expected it and Brian and Rush appeared pissed.
Edward never moved a muscle.
Jack left the room and headed down the hall to the exit.
Please don’t leave, Jack. Edward’s unspoken words were wasted.
Sammi leaned over to Edward. “Go after him.”
Edward shook his head.
“Tell him.”
“I can’t. It wouldn’t matter anyway.”
“It matters. Tell him you need him.” Sammi nudged Edward with his shoulder.
Edward stood. “I’ll be right back.”
In the hall, Edward jogged toward Jack. He’d almost reached the doors.
“Jack! Wait!”
Jack stopped and turned. For a second, Jack’s face lit up—then wariness descended.
“Yes?”
Edward stopped in front of Jack. “I wanted to thank you. For believing in me.”
Jack nodded, tight-lipped.
Edward didn’t know what else to say. They stared into each other’s eyes, searching for something that would let them reconnect.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be here at the hospital. Can you take Winston for me?”
Jack stared at him.
“He needs to be walked, not cooped up in a small motel room. You know him and he knows you, and you know what he likes and…” Edward rambled.
“Sure.” Thank God, Jack didn’t say ‘baby’. Edward couldn’t take another endearment from Jack.
Edward dug into his back pocket, pulled out the card key to his room and handed it to Jack. “Thanks.”
Jack shoved it into his pocket, turned away and left. He got to the door, paused and spun around.
“For the record, you were right.”
Edward tilted his head, unsure what Jack meant.
“About Winston. He was perfect just the way he was. I had no right to try to change him.”
Their gazes locked and Edward’s heart thudded like a bass drum.
“He was a little…undisciplined,” Edward offered. “A little control’s not so bad.”
“Maybe.” Jack gave him a nod and stepped through the doors.
Edward watched him disappear into the darkness. It was night. He’d been at the hospital most of the day. With everything that had happened, he’d lost track of the time.
He returned to the waiting room.
Sammi stood. “Well?” Everyone else waited for Edward to speak.
“I asked Jack to take care of Winston. Until...things are settled here.” He went to the chair he’d left and sat. Picking up his coffee, he sipped it, not wanting to talk to anyone.
Brian slipped to the door. “I need to make a call.”
Rush glanced up, gave him a wink, pushed his hat back on his head and smiled at Edward. “You did a good thing for Olivia, Edward.”
Edward smiled. He had done a good thing.
He just wished he could have done more.
Brian stalked down the hall, his cell phone pressed to his ear.
“Jack? What the hell?”
“Let’s not get into this.”
Brian ran his hand over his face. “What’s wrong with you? Why did you leave? Edward needs you here.”
He could hear Jack breathing. “I’m going to get Winston.”
“Now you are, but before you were just leaving him here. Alone.”
“Everyone’s there. He doesn’t need me.”
Brian curled his hand into a fist as he fought the urge to deck someone. Preferably Jack. Instead, he shook the phone, then sighed and put it back to his ear. “Of course he does. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but…”
“Nothing is going on.”
“Try that bullshit on someone else. ‘Baby’? I heard you.”
Jack swallowed—the gulp came over the phone loud and clear.
“Please, Brian.” Jack’s voice sounded ragged and tired.
“Jack. I care about you. And about Edward.”
“Thanks. But everything is okay.”
“Bullshit!” A nurse walked past and put her finger to her lips. Brian leaned against the wall in a corner and lowered his voice. “Jack. I don’t know much, but what I do know is this. If you love him, don’t let him go.”
There was a long silence as Brian waited.
Jack exhaled. “It’s too late for that. I blew it.”
“It’s never too late.”
“Let’s just call it irreconcilable differences, huh? Night, Brian.” Jack hung up.
“Shit.” Brian closed his phone and slipped it back into the holster, then returned to the waiting room.
“I’m going home to change and get some sleep. I’m on duty in the morning,” Brian told their little crowd.
Edward tilted his head up, his face haggard. “Thank you, Brian. For everything.”
Brian nodded. “Guys,” he said to Mitchell and Sammi. “You’ve got a key to the house. Come and go as you please.”
“We rode with Rush,” Mitchell replied.
Sammi took Edward’s hand. “I’ll stay with Edward. We’ll call you if anything changes.”
Rush stood. “Mitchell and I will stay a little longer. Hold on.”
Together they walked into the hall. Brian slumped against the wall.
“Darlin’, you look beat.” Leaning in, Rush ran his thumb across Brian’s lips.
“I am. It’s been a long day. I hate when the shift changes, one day working nights, then switching over to days.” He gazed into his lover’s eyes and saw the promise there.
“Can I wake you when I get home?” And hunger. With a surge of pride, Brian saw the hunger that still burned in Rush’s eyes, even after six months.
“You better.” Rush’s heated stare spoke of what he longed to do, but Brian had the good sense to know making out in the hallway of the emergency room wasn’t a good idea and that his acceptance in the small town came with the price of control.
“Later.” Rush pushed off and strolled, slow and sexy, down the hall to the waiting room as Brian savored the sight of his cowboy’s slim hips and perfect ass.
He sighed and left for home.
As he walked to the patrol car, Brian worried about Jack. He might be in denial now, but any fool could see Jack and Edward had deep feelings for each other.
Brian just wished he knew what had happened between them. Not the details, just the events. Maybe Sammi would find out. Sammi and Edward seemed to have made a connection—not sexual, but between fellow similar souls. Both of them appeared fragile, their hurts so transparent, but they both had an inner core of strength far greater than anyone would imagine.
Brian hoped Jack would wake up before it really was too late.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jack opened the door to the hotel room. Winston stood up on the bed and barked, his hindquarters doing a happy dance.
“Hey, buddy!” Jack greeted the little dog.
Woof. Woof. Woof.
“Edward’s tied up right now. You’re coming home with me.” Jack gathered the dog’s food and water bowls and a few cans of dog food that sat on the dresser, and placed them in a pile on the table next to the leash.
He scanned the room, then walked over to the dresser and opened it. Edward’s clothes lay neatly folded in the drawer. He shut it and went into the bathroom.
Maybe he should bring some of Edward’s things to the hospital. Then he thought about how bad Olivia had looked and decided that Edward wouldn’t be there that long. He picked up a bottle of
aftershave, opened it and inhaled.
The scent surrounded him. Close, but not quite Edward. The light musk of the cologne combined with Edward’s own personal scent turned into something heady that left him aroused and aching. Jack could recall it as clear as the smell of turkey on Thanksgiving, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, or the heavy scent of jasmine on the vine that grew on his fence.
Would it haunt him forever? His regrets would, for damn sure.
Jack closed the bottle and put it back in the exact spot where he’d found it. Then he gathered Winston’s things and opened the door.
“Winston. Come.”
The little bulldog trotted out of the door and straight to Jack’s patrol car.
They got in and Jack headed for his house. He needed a hot shower and his bed.
“I think I’m in love with Edward,” Jack mentioned to Winston as they drove.
Winston, hanging out of the window, turned his head to look at Jack.
Woof.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
* * * *
Edward said goodbye to Rush and Mitchell around seven p.m. when they headed back to the ranch. Sammi, true to his word, stayed. He scooted his chair closer to Edward as he peered up from his second cup of coffee, and smiled.
“Are you okay?” Sammi touched Edward’s leg.
Edward shrugged. “You don’t have to stay, you know.”
“Leave you here? Alone? Jack’s the asshole, not me.” Sammi grinned and nudged Edward.
“Jack’s not an—” Edward started, leaping to Jack’s defense, but with a glance at Sammi, he stopped. “He’s just…” He searched for words that wouldn’t sound as bad when said aloud.
Sammi stared at him—then his eyes widened. “Ashamed of you?” He gasped. “Did he say that?” Sammi took Edward’s hand and pulled it to his chest. “You must have been furious.”
“Furious. Hurt.” Edward shrugged. “Jack holds an important position here in Spring Lake. He doesn’t want to be ridiculed, be made fun of, because of me.”
“Why would that happen?”
“Here in Hooterville? Are you joking? No one would blink at him and me together in Atlanta or Houston, but here?” Edward shook his head. “Some of the people here are practically Neanderthal. I can’t blame him.”
“Stop it. Stop making excuses for him.”
“I’m not.” Edward sighed. “Look, I’ll just say it. Jack might want me, but he’s not in love with me. And I want someone who’ll love me, all of me, not just my body.”
“Did you tell him that?”
Edward nodded. “After the party at Brian and Rush’s place. Jack came to my motel room. We had sex,” he confessed.
Sammi’s eyes twinkled. “And it was wonderful. The best sex of your life. Of his life. Right?”
“For me, yeah, it was. For Jack? I don’t know. There were times when I thought… I felt so loved, and then… Sammi, he’d not been with another man in years. Can you imagine that? Not touching anyone or being touched.” He probably shouldn’t have told Jack’s secrets, but Edward needed to talk, needed to share with someone, and it felt so right to talk to Sammi like this.
“I used to dream of a time when my body was my own, Edward. That no one would touch me and that I didn’t have to touch anyone else.” Sammi’s eyes filled with a sorrow Edward hadn’t seen there before.
“Really? Why?”
Sammi sat back. “I was a whore, Edward. A sex slave. Men paid to have sex with me. I met Mitchell when I ran away from my owner, Donovan. Mitchell and I fell in love. He’s my soul mate and he can hear my thoughts as well as I hear his. He helped me escape from Donovan and risked his life to do it. Brian helped him.”
Edward listened as the young man spoke. Would anyone ever love me that much? “I’ve had sex with a lot of men.”
“Did any of them force you? Or pay you? Did you do it just to survive? Were you punished if you refused?”
Edward clamped his lips together and shook his head.
“I can understand wanting control of your life and your body. But I’m not sure that’s what’s driving Jack.” He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “From what I can gather, Jack is afraid, overly so, of being laughed at, like you said. But it comes from something that happened a long time ago. When he was younger.”
“He never said anything about that to me. But then, we didn’t really talk.” Edward rolled his eyes.
“You should. Just talk and find out what’s going on with him. Jack needs you, Edward, and you need Jack.”
Edward laughed. “I think you’re an incurable romantic, Sammi.”
“I am. I was a damsel in distress and Mitchell was my knight in shining armor. He rescued me and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making him glad he did.”
“I wish I had what you and he have. What Rush and Brian have.”
Sammi nodded. “I know. But there’s one thing I’ve learned. Anything you want, anything that’s worth having, is worth fighting for. Fight for him, Edward.”
“Doesn’t he have to want me to fight for him?” Edward asked.
“He does. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
Edward smiled. He stood. “I’m going back to Olivia’s room and sit with her.”
“I’m coming with you.” Sammi rose and followed him back to Olivia’s room.
Edward settled into the chair at Olivia’s side, Sammi in the chair near the door. The quiet noises of the equipment attached to his grandmother were the only sounds in the room. Edward stroked Olivia’s hand, relishing the touch of her skin. Still warm. Still alive.
His eyes filled with tears every time he thought of her dead.
Sammi sighed. “Don’t think like that.”
Edward sniffled and wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve. “Can’t help it.”
“You know, I just met my grandmother for the first time a few months ago.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I never knew my mom and dad. I was raised by a string of foster parents until I couldn’t stand it anymore and ran away from home at sixteen. I understand how important Olivia is to you and why you don’t want to lose her. I think you’re so brave. I’m not sure I could let her go.”
Edward leaned over and rested his head against Olivia’s hand. “Thanks for understanding.”
The nurse entered, checked Olivia’s vitals, took her blood pressure then left. Edward and Sammi returned to their vigil.
Twenty minutes later, a doctor showed up.
“I’m Dr. Franklin, Olivia’s oncologist.”
“Edward Beauregard, her grandson.” They shook hands. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“Well, your grandmother has pancreatic cancer. I suppose you’ve already figured that out. It’s terminal. In case she didn’t tell you, she’s signed a living will. It states that she refuses any efforts, any treatments, to prolong her life. She’s determined to live her life just as she always has, on her own terms.” He chuckled. “She’s one of the most strong-minded people I’ve ever known.”
“I know.”
“She seems to be resting comfortably for now.” He held up the charts he carried. “To put it bluntly, she’s dying.”
“How long?” Edward’s voice managed not to break.
Franklin shrugged. “Hours. Days. Not much more. Her numbers are very bad. Her kidneys are shutting down and her other organs are beginning to fail.”
“I understand.”
“All we can do right now is to be here for her.”
Edward nodded. Sammi stepped up next to him, wrapped his arm around Edward’s shoulders and hugged him tightly.
“We’re not going anywhere,” Sammi said.
“I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Beauregard. I’m glad she has family to sit with her. I was afraid she’d go through this alone.”
“Thank you for following her wishes.” Edward shook Dr. Franklin’s hand.
The doctor left and Edward went back to his chair.
“Here, it’s getting cold.” Sammi found a blanket somewhere and wrapped it around Edward’s shoulders. Edward accepted it and pulled it around him.
Sammi sat, pulled his legs underneath him and rested his chin on his knee.
Edward resumed stroking Olivia’s hand.
Olivia slept.
* * * *
Somewhere around three in the morning, Olivia’s monitors went off. Edward jerked awake and stared at a multitude of red lines and beeping lights. A nurse bustled into the room, checked the frail woman in the bed and turned off the alarm.
She turned a sad smile to Edward. “It might not be long now.”
Sammi came to Edward. “Give me your phone, honey. Let me make some calls.”
Edward nodded and thrust his phone at Sammi, unable to take his eyes off his grandmother. Sammi slipped out of the room to use the phone.
After scooting his chair closer, Edward took Olivia’s hand in his. The temptation to do something, to open the portal between them, to leach away the cancer killing her, built in him along with his anger and helplessness and the slow, sliding certainty of her death.
Panicking, he closed his eyes and focused on the portal. Then stopped.
He’d promised her not to do it. Not to play God.
Edward cried out with the frustration of it all. He had the power. He could do it. She could stay with him a little longer. They could go on more picnics, ride around in his car, top down, the wind in their hair. He would still feel her love and acceptance of him.
Edward rested his forehead on her hand, his sobs choking him.
No one had loved him as she had and it terrified Edward to think that no one ever would and that the only love and acceptance he’d ever known would die with her.
“I love you, Meemaw.” Her hand was wet with his tears, but he dabbed at them with the edge of her sheet. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner. So mad at Mother and Father for keeping us apart. I’m going to miss you so much.”
She lay silent on the bed, the life fading from her.
“I don’t want to be alone, Meemaw,” he whispered to her. “Don’t leave me.”
She didn’t answer, but it didn’t matter. She’d said all she needed to say to him and that would have to be enough.
