by Lynn Lorenz
The hopeful expression on his face made Phillip want to puke.
“No, you don’t get it. She never did an honest day’s work in her life. She was always one step ahead of the cops, no matter where we lived. And I was her accomplice. She used me to”—he swallowed—“take advantage of people. Get them to give us money and stuff.”
Estaban broke eye contact and stared at the stars. Phillip’s heart shattered, but he continued. Better get it all out and over and done with. Fuck my life.
He bit his lip. “The cops brought us in for questioning. They let me go. Didn’t have any evidence to hold me on. I decided I could not live this way anymore. So, I didn’t wait for her, I left. Ran home, packed a bag and got the hell out of town. I have no idea what happened to her. She could be in jail for all I know.” He glanced over at Estaban, waiting for him to say something.
Moments passed. Another shooting star burned across the sky then faded in a flash of light, mimicking his destroyed hopes for a life with good man like Estaban.
“How?” Estaban still didn’t make eye contact. “How did she use you to steal from people? Were you a pickpocket?” His brow scrunched up. “A sneak thief, robbing houses? Bust into cars?”
“No. Nothing like that.” Phillip sighed.
Even if he told Estaban about his power, would he believe him? And that didn’t excuse his actions. He’d known he was doing wrong the first time his mom had told him of her plans. And he’d done nothing. What kind of honor did that show? Where were his morals then?
“She just did.” He shrugged.
“Did she beat you?” Estaban’s voice dropped an octave, and the threat in it rocked Phillip. Again, he showed that same aggression as when that guy had showed up at the shop to out him as gay.
“Well, yeah, but that wasn’t it. Can we just drop it? I told you I’m a thief. A crook. And you told me the kind of man you want. It’s plain to see, it’s not me.” Phillip pushed up and climbed out of the sleeping bag. The cold bit into him and he wrapped his arms around himself. “Can you just take me home?” He hopped over the side of the truck and stood by the passenger door.
Estaban narrowed his eyes but didn’t say a word—he just nodded. After he rolled up the bag, he tied it up, climbed out of the bed and opened the driver’s door.
Phillip got in and buckled up, still not looking at Estaban.
“I’m not sure we can hold kids responsible for what their parents make them do.” Estaban started the truck and put it into gear. “It sounds to me like you’ve got a shitload of guilt going on there. Maybe you should be held to account, maybe not. But I know that as long as I’ve know you, you’ve been an honest, hard-working man. I’m not giving up on you so easy.”
Phillip held back a groan. If Estaban knew he’d used his power to get Joe Smith to give him the job and use the trailer…he’d be singing a different tune. When Estaban found out about the power, his feelings of betrayal would come to the surface. He’d toss him out like three-day-old garbage.
“I’m not the man you think I am.” Phillip stared out of the side window, watching the fence posts fly past in the glare of the truck’s headlights.
“I think you don’t think much of yourself. But I do.” Estaban put his hand on Phillip’s leg. “Can you trust me to believe what I see in you?”
He was killing Phillip. Killing him. Those words, the touch. He wanted to believe in Estaban and in how he saw Phillip. But he knew the awful truth of what he’d done.
“Let’s sleep on this, okay? I’m not going to give up on you. You’re the man I want.” He gave Phillip’s leg a brief squeeze. “I know what my heart is telling me.”
Estaban’s touch burned Phillip’s flesh. He wanted to yell “Yes! I’m yours!” but he couldn’t drag Estaban down with him. The only way he could discourage him was to tell him about his power. Hear the whole sordid story.
And what would Estaban think about his power? Like Rush, he’d probably think he’d used it to make Estaban fall for him or something. But it wasn’t that kind of power. It didn’t work that way, it just sort of suggested… Influence was the right name for it.
The highway whined under the wheels of the truck for a few miles as Phillip gathered his courage and locked down his heart. His heart wanted him to never tell, to be the man Estaban saw when he looked at Phillip.
Heartbreak now or later? When he’d fallen so deeply in love with Estaban that losing him would destroy him? Grind him into dust to blow away on the cold winter wind?
Fuck my life. I want this over. I can take the pain now, but I won’t survive it later.
“Okay. You want the truth?” Phillip spit the words out. “Here it is, believe it or not. I’ve got a power. It’s not a super power, not like I can fly or shit. To me, it’s more of a curse. Anyway, I can touch someone and push them to do what I want. So, when my mom found out, she made me ‘influence’ people, usually older folks ’cause their wills are weaker, to give us money, jewelry, even cars. We robbed people using my power and I let her. I was in on it all.” He turned away, crossed his arms over his chest and hung his head. His cheeks burned and tears filled his eyes. If Estaban didn’t hate him now…
Estaban turned down the road to the ranch, driving slowly, staring forward through the windshield.
Damn him. Would he just say something?
“I guess you don’t believe me or think I’m nuts. Fine. You don’t have to, but it’s true. I can’t tell you where the fucking power came from, or why I’m the one who has it. I don’t understand that myself. But I’m not the kind of man you deserve. Not by a long shot.” He put his hand on the handle so he could jump out as soon as the truck stopped.
Estaban exhaled. “I believe you.” He fell silent as he pulled up to the house, turning the truck so he could continue his way out after he dropped off Phillip. He threw it into park and leaned back. “I guess you could say I have a power too. Nothing like yours. Mine’s just simple. I can listen to anything mechanical and I just hear what’s wrong with it. Or see it in my head, like a diagram. It’s why I’m a mechanic.”
Phillip gaped at him. “I don’t believe it.” He shook his head. “No, that’s not much like mine at all. It’s an honest kind of power. Can’t hurt anyone with it, can you?”
“No, not really. But I could cheat someone out of money, if I were that kind of man.”
“Like me, right?” Phillip looked away.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Sure you did. I’m a crook and you’re not. I got it.” Phillip ran his fingers over the chrome door handle.
A long sigh escaped Estaban as he ran his hands over his face. “Holy shit. We both have powers, but they’re not nearly the same thing. Isn’t this a mess?”
“Yeah, well, my life is what it is. No going back.” Phillip opened the door, but Estaban reached over and pulled him back.
“Wait. Let me ask you this. Your power? Have you ever used it here in Spring Lake? On folks here?” He didn’t say what Phillip knew he really wanted to know.
“Did I use it on you? Is that what you’re really asking?” Phillip faced him, his head held high.
“Yeah, I guess it is. You said you touch someone and they do what you want. You’ve touched me a few times…” It came out as a whisper, but Phillip could see the whites of his knuckles as he clutched the steering wheel like a cowboy on the end of a lassoed calf.
No point in lying. There would always be that little piece of doubt, like a stone caught up in your shoe, rolling around, reminding you it was there and always would be.
“I’ll tell you the truth. I used it to get my job at Smith’s. I’ve used it a few times to get Jimmy to back off.” Phillip’s admission tore him open inside. It might not have been illegal, but it sure as hell was wrong.
He didn’t bother to add, I never pushed you. Never.
Estaban wouldn’t make a distinction between using it on him or on someone else, or see the difference in how he’d used it. Like a little white li
e and a big whopper. He’d used his power against people and that was all Estaban needed to know, so why deny it?
“Fuck.” Estaban spit out the curse. “Don’t say another word.” He slumped in his seat, closed his eyes and shook his head. “Go on, Phillip. Best you get out and go inside.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
The sound of Estaban’s truck tires crunching down the drive sounded so loud Phillip wanted to put his hands over his ears to block it out. He’d never forget the sound of him driving away.
He turned toward the house. The lights were on downstairs. Brian’s truck wasn’t parked so it had to be Rush still up, probably waiting for his man to come home.
Phillip took the steps one at a time, dragging his feet as he wrapped his arms around his chest against the cold, not just outside, but inside as well.
He knocked the dust off his boots, killing time, thinking of what he’d say to Rush, because he knew the rancher would ask him about his date and why he was home so early. He’d play it down. Let them think they just hadn’t worked out.
He opened the screen door then entered the house.
“Hey, Phillip!” Rush sat on the couch watching a movie. He held up the remote and paused it. “Home a little early, aren’t you?”
“Well, we had dinner. It was nice. Good food.” He nodded and headed to the stairs to go to his room. He had one foot on the first step when Rush called him back.
“Come sit down. Tell me about it.” Rush patted the seat next to him. “Did you have a good time?”
Phillip gave up trying to get away. He owed Rush everything, so he deserved at least a little conversation. He sat on the other end of the sofa and leaned back.
“It was okay, like I said. We talked. Estaban paid for everything. I told him I’d get the next bill.” That wasn’t lying.
“That was nice of him.” Rush turned off the TV. “So, tell me why you’re home so early and looking like you just lost your—” He gasped. “Shit. It didn’t go well. What happened?”
Phillip leaned his head back on the couch and exhaled. “I started off fine. Then we started talking.”
“And what did you talk about?”
“Well, at first the usual stuff. Movies we like. Music. He lives with his mom ’cause his dad died and she can’t support herself and her house.” He shrugged.
“Then…” Rush motioned with his hand to spill the beans on the rest of it.
“Then, after dinner, he took me to this place where we could watch the stars.”
“Oh, so you went parking.” Rush chuckled. “Sounds romantic.”
“Yeah, it was. We started talking again. He told me the kind of man he’s looking for and it sure as hell wasn’t me.” Phillip ran his hands through his hair and over his face. “That’s when he took me home.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rush sat up. “What kind of man did he say, because I can’t figure out why you wouldn’t be the kind of man any man would want.”
Phillip gave him a smile, but his heart wasn’t in it. “Nice of you to say that, but…”
“But?”
“You know about my power, right? Well, I told him about my life before I hit the road. What my family was like, how my mom used me to…” He choked on his words, because telling Rush, a man he admired and wanted to have him like him, was about near as worse as telling Estaban.
“She what?” Rush’s voice had gentled as he encouraged him to finish the story.
“I was a kid when she found out about my power. She used me to steal from people. Mostly older folks. They’d give her money and valuables.” He hung his head. “I knew it was wrong, sir. I knew it, but if I refused, she’d beat me. And she was my mom!” He broke then and it all came out. “She was supposed to take care of me, teach me right and wrong, keep me safe.” He shook his head, dashing away the tears. “But all she ever did was use me, teach me how to steal. We never stayed in one place for long. We ran away from the cops. She couldn’t cook so most of my meals were peanut butter and white bread.” He sniffed and rubbed his palms against his burning eyes. “I left her when I was sixteen. Never looked back. Don’t care if I ever see her again.”
“A lot of people have hard lives, son. Lots have bad families. But looks to me like you got out of there as soon as you were able. In my book, that says a lot about the kind of man you are.”
“Not to Estaban. He told me he wants a man of honor. An honest man. A man he can be proud to stand next to.” Phillip pointed to himself. “That’s not me.”
Rush leaned over, squeezed his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. “Hey! That was who you were, not who you are. And you were a kid trying to survive in a world he didn’t have any part of creating. If Estaban can’t see that, he’s not the one for you.”
Phillip rubbed his shoulder. “Ouch. You don’t get it. I told him about my power.”
Rush’s eyes widened. “Shit. If he thought the way I thought when you told me…”
“He did. Asked if I’d influenced anyone here in town. I knew he wanted to know if I influenced him into liking me.” Phillip groaned. “I told him the truth.” He cut his gaze to Rush. “I used it to get my job at Smith’s. I was desperate, Rush. I swear, I’ve only used it for little things, like getting Jimmy to go back to work, that sort of thing.”
“I believe you. I think myself a good judge of horses, cattle and men. These powers we have, we all use them. It’s a part of us, of you, and I can’t say don’t ever use it, son. I use mine all the time.” He chuckled. “But mine doesn’t really do much but let me see in the dark. Brian, he has premonitions. He can’t control them.” Rush gave him another shake. “Look, give Estaban some time to digest this. If whatever is between you two is right, it’ll work out. And if not…I won’t lie and tell you it won’t hurt.”
“What won’t hurt?” They both glanced up at the front door. Brian stood with his hand on the doorknob, wearing his Spring Lake department jacket that made him appear bigger than usual. He shrugged out of it.
“Phillip’s got man problems.” Rush strode over to Brian, greeted him with a kiss, took the jacket from him and hung it up.
Brian winced. “Sorry to hear that. Anything I or Rush can help with?”
“Rush has listened to me, that’s enough.” Phillip rose and walked to the stairs. “I’m going to go on up to bed. Morning will come early. Thanks, Rush.” He gave them both a nod and headed to his bedroom.
For tonight, he’d listen to Rush’s advice. Give Estaban some time to take it in.
Maybe Estaban was a man who could forgive.
Because Phillip sure needed some forgiveness in his life.
* * * *
Estaban drove down the road to the highway, the urge to turn around and have it out with Phillip bubbling out of his chest. Goddamn. All he could think of was when, where and how many times Phillip had influenced him.
He replayed every time they’d touched. Had his reactions to Phillip been his, or some sort of implanted demand to do what Phillip wanted? What the hell happened to free will? Was this like when a hypnotist made you cluck like a chicken?
No. It was worse. Phillip had played with his emotions. He’d taken what he thought was good, twisted it like a tangled tumbleweed and blown it down the fucking road.
Estaban stopped at the highway, checked both directions then pulled out, heading back to his house. With a deep sigh, he remembered how excited he’d been driving out to pick Phillip up for their date. How hopeful he’d been to maybe start thinking he’d have a future with someone. I’m a damned fool.
He’d thought they’d get to talk, like normal people, and discuss things they liked and disliked, what drove them nuts. Pet peeves, that sort of thing. He’d even looked forward to talking about politics and religion.
How could he have been so wrong about Phillip? How could he have thought he was the right man, when it was as clear as the Frio River, Phillip wasn’t the man he pretended to be?
He’d admitted to using his power to ge
t the job at the garage. Hell, he’d probably influenced Joe Smith himself into giving him the trailer to live in. And what about his salary? Had he influenced Flynn to pay him more money than he should have?
The man was a thief, by his own admission. Or at least, he’d been a thief when he was younger. People change.
Do they?
Oh, shit. Estaban groaned. Flynn hadn’t tried to pad the books until Phillip had left. What if Flynn and Phillip were in it together? Or maybe he’d just taken over the scam. It sounded like the sort of scam he and his mom had run. Had he gotten it all wrong about Phillip refusing to do such a thing?
He shook his head, trying to clear all the doubts before he exploded.
No. Wait. Hold on.
If they were in cahoots, then why’d Flynn fire Phillip? Phillip would have been able to hold it over Flynn’s head, threatened to tell Smith unless he kept his job. But Flynn had fired him and didn’t look worried at all.
So, no. Phillip wasn’t in on the scam.
Estaban exhaled and a part of him that had been tied up loosened, but only a bit.
Now he wished he’d gone back and asked the one question he needed the answer to—had Phillip influenced him to feel something for him?
He pulled into his driveway and parked. For a moment, he sat there staring through the windshield at nothing. He’d lost…something. And he didn’t know if he’d ever get it back, or the opportunity to have it again.
Phillip. Why the hell did you tell me?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Morning came early for Phillip. His eyes held half the sand in the river bed, his mouth tasted as sour as a dill pickle and his spirit had sunk lower than a water well in west Texas.
He groaned and rolled out of bed. No need to keep lying there—sleep wasn’t going to come to him. He’d spent most of the night replaying the conversation he and Estaban had had, the disastrous ending to the once-hopeful date.
God. This sucks. Relationships were just not worth it. They hurt too damn much.
